I love you, I still very much do.
I miss you, and it hurts so much to miss you.
I will take you back in a heartbeat.
But please..
Don't make me think that you're just like every other boy.
You hurt someone and you get over it.
I know you're different because I know you.
But it seems that until recently, I just THOUGHT I knew you.
Don't make me say "You're just like them."
Don't make me say "You're no different that all these guys you say you're different from."
Don't make me say "You are like every other guy out there."
Don't make me say "There's nothing special about you."
I am hurt.
I want you to hurt.
Then I will know life is fair.
14 December 2009
08 December 2009
Missing Us.
"I love you without knowing how, why or even from where." - Patch Adams.
I miss being loved.
And hugged.
And kissed.
And my hand being held.
My hair being tucked behind my ear.
My skin being caressed.
My cheek being touched.
I miss being loved.
How hard it is to fall asleep without that feeling that someone from afar is thinking about you as ~they~ go to sleep.
How hard it is to wake up without that feeling that someone from afar is thinking about you as ~they~ wake up.
How hard it is to let you go, my dude, when all I've ever known is to be yours. And that you were always mine.
How hard it is to go through each day missing you, and loving you, without letting you know.
They say that you should tell the person you love how you feel about them before it's too late.
I love you. So much still.
I miss being loved.
And hugged.
And kissed.
And my hand being held.
My hair being tucked behind my ear.
My skin being caressed.
My cheek being touched.
I miss being loved.
How hard it is to fall asleep without that feeling that someone from afar is thinking about you as ~they~ go to sleep.
How hard it is to wake up without that feeling that someone from afar is thinking about you as ~they~ wake up.
How hard it is to let you go, my dude, when all I've ever known is to be yours. And that you were always mine.
How hard it is to go through each day missing you, and loving you, without letting you know.
They say that you should tell the person you love how you feel about them before it's too late.
I love you. So much still.
22 November 2009
Oh, the pain lives on.
I thought I was going to be okay. I thought I can crawl back in my happy place and be strong. But I guess no one told me it’s going to take time. I literally cannot breathe right now, coz it hurts too much.
“But you’re Danny and Janis!”
“I know.”
21 November 2009
i am.
i'm tired of having to defend myself and having to protect myself. i'm tired of giving people the benefit of the doubt and end up screwing me over for their own personal gain and benefit. i'm tired.
i'm tired of being a pushover. and giving my trust to people who don't need it. and letting people in without questioning their motives. if i need to, the wall is coming back up. it's the only way to protect the rest of my broken self. if i'm going to rebuild myself, i'm going to need sturdier nails, stronger foundations, more reliable helpers. none of this artificial and superficial shiznits.
i'm going back to the beginning. back before i became damaged. back when i can stand on my own two feet, back when my stubbornness was my drive for success, back when i didn't give a feck to what other people think, and back when i saw my future and anyone who crosses me and me dreams get crossed a thousand times.
i'm going back to the stronger, and better jaja.
likable.
untouchable.
intimidating.
individual.
independent.
crazysexycool.
and i hope my old happy song helps me remember what i've lost.
"Unwritten"
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, oh, oh
I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, yeah, yeah
For you, my bestfriend.
If friends came with a price tag, I wouldn't be able to afford someone like you. I thank God we got the chance to cross paths and become the best of friends. If happiness truly outweighs the pain, then I believe we can get past this mountain. I dedicate this song to you, because I want you to know that as you have become my pillar of strength, it is now my turn to return the favor.
This is my favorite quote on friendship: A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
We may have forgotten the words, but it's in there somewhere.
LEAN ON ME
Sometime in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise we know that there's
Always tomorrow
Lean on me when you're not strong and
I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
Please swallow your pride if I have things
You need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
that you won't let show
Just call on me brother when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on
Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long till 'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
Just call on me brother when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on
If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road, I'll share your load
if you just call me
Just call me when you need a friend
Just call me when you need a friend..
Irony
Wanna know something really ironic? For days and days, i had put off writing my 100th blog because I wanted to save it for something special. Something that's worth celebrating the turn of the century (so to speak). So when I found the perfect thing to write about, I'm like "Go, go, go!" Hence, I wrote about my indefatigable patience and unconditional love for my dude and his stress with nursing school. I wrote about my promise to be a better, more loving, more understanding, and definitely more patient and supportive girlfriend. I wrote about how I would miss our sweetnothingness and whatnot, and yet every minute I will have will him will be amazing. Because I love him, and that's all there is to it.
Oh, the irony of life, I tell you.
How ironic is it that the next blog I'm writing is about my broken heart, as he had broken up with me. It's been three weeks since it happened, and while others tell me to move on and get over it, I can't. You can't have loved a person and had a hard time getting over and then tell another person suffering the same fate to just let it go. Everyone deserves the right to wallow, to bask in the pain, to drown in their sorrow. Everyone's bound to come up for air sometime, right?
I'm slowly coming up for air, but I can't promise I won't sink again. But right now, I've come to be at peace with myself. And be at peace with him. We have an understanding that in time, we will be friends. And I'm counting on that day. Because even though I know I will always love him, I know that I will always want to be his bestfriend more than anything.
Some people try to get in the way. All this time, just waiting in the shadows, lurking. Waiting for the right time to pounce. What a shame. Where's the dignity, people?
Danny and I had a story. I was a girl inside the house, and he was the boy on the ledge. And there were three vandals who are trying to ruin my fence.. or ledge. Whatever. That's how our story started. Funny how, this might be how it's going to end.
Opportunists. I have always believed in the goodness of man. People are not born evil. But I guess, along the way some things happen and they become bad. Is experience an excuse to go bad? I have issues, I have baggage. And I am damaged good. "Dark and Twisty", like Meredith in Grey's Anatomy, who doesn't think she deserves the good things in life, that misery is company. Yes, I am damaged good. But I never aspired for perfection. Try as I may to get as close as possible, I know I will never be. At least I tried. And I am the biggest pushover, ever. I let people get the best of me. I trust, I let them in. I play by the rules. But it seems that I am the only one who follows the rules. I guess, I am the posterchild for "Good girls finish last." I can't help it. I am a traditionalist when it comes to relationships. I may not be the most religious in the lot, but I am born and raised Catholic in a traditional and conservative Filipino culture. I believe in love, in unconditional love. I believe in trust, and doing good things. I don't believe in "All's fair in love and war." I don't believe in "Free for all unless you're already married." I don't believe in kissing or doing IT outside the umbrellas of relationships. I think that kissing and holding hands in itself is sacred. I don't believe in flirting. I believe in love. In it's purest and most powerful essence. And yet opportunists are everywhere and they take advantage of my goodness.
I love my Danny. Forever. I pray that time is on my side. I will wait. I will love unconditionally. And I will do all these without having to step on people's toes. I will do all these without being deceitful, dishonest, treacherous, vengeful. I will give him my love in it's purest and most powerful essence. Because I love him.
JD.DE.011207.
Oh, the irony of life, I tell you.
How ironic is it that the next blog I'm writing is about my broken heart, as he had broken up with me. It's been three weeks since it happened, and while others tell me to move on and get over it, I can't. You can't have loved a person and had a hard time getting over and then tell another person suffering the same fate to just let it go. Everyone deserves the right to wallow, to bask in the pain, to drown in their sorrow. Everyone's bound to come up for air sometime, right?
I'm slowly coming up for air, but I can't promise I won't sink again. But right now, I've come to be at peace with myself. And be at peace with him. We have an understanding that in time, we will be friends. And I'm counting on that day. Because even though I know I will always love him, I know that I will always want to be his bestfriend more than anything.
Some people try to get in the way. All this time, just waiting in the shadows, lurking. Waiting for the right time to pounce. What a shame. Where's the dignity, people?
Danny and I had a story. I was a girl inside the house, and he was the boy on the ledge. And there were three vandals who are trying to ruin my fence.. or ledge. Whatever. That's how our story started. Funny how, this might be how it's going to end.
Opportunists. I have always believed in the goodness of man. People are not born evil. But I guess, along the way some things happen and they become bad. Is experience an excuse to go bad? I have issues, I have baggage. And I am damaged good. "Dark and Twisty", like Meredith in Grey's Anatomy, who doesn't think she deserves the good things in life, that misery is company. Yes, I am damaged good. But I never aspired for perfection. Try as I may to get as close as possible, I know I will never be. At least I tried. And I am the biggest pushover, ever. I let people get the best of me. I trust, I let them in. I play by the rules. But it seems that I am the only one who follows the rules. I guess, I am the posterchild for "Good girls finish last." I can't help it. I am a traditionalist when it comes to relationships. I may not be the most religious in the lot, but I am born and raised Catholic in a traditional and conservative Filipino culture. I believe in love, in unconditional love. I believe in trust, and doing good things. I don't believe in "All's fair in love and war." I don't believe in "Free for all unless you're already married." I don't believe in kissing or doing IT outside the umbrellas of relationships. I think that kissing and holding hands in itself is sacred. I don't believe in flirting. I believe in love. In it's purest and most powerful essence. And yet opportunists are everywhere and they take advantage of my goodness.
I love my Danny. Forever. I pray that time is on my side. I will wait. I will love unconditionally. And I will do all these without having to step on people's toes. I will do all these without being deceitful, dishonest, treacherous, vengeful. I will give him my love in it's purest and most powerful essence. Because I love him.
JD.DE.011207.
11 October 2009
patience really is a virtue
For the past month and something days, Danny has been busy with nursing school and work, and studying for nursing school. Gone are the days of going out to lunch or dinner or sleeping over or sweetnothingness. Each minute is accounted for. And each weekend, I look forward to seeing him, sans the stress (although I've soon enough come to see that it's unavoidable.)
Anyhoo, I have already prepared myself for the stress and and hardwork of nursing school. That's why I promised him that "I will TRY to be the best girlfriend a nursing school boyfriend will ever have." I've faltered one time. But I got it together and it didn't even become an argument. But lately, I've been really missing him. Like, really REALLY missing him. Maybe it's the weather, but I just miss the days of cuddling and not getting out of bed and just sleeping all day next to him. And we're waaaaay too broke to afford our "mini vacations".
Anyhoo, yet again, last night we celebrated our 33rd month together, early. It was supposed to be this monday (12th) but I'ma be working the whole day. So we're just gonna see each other and say hi. But last night was our date night. And we went to see Zombieland. After the movie, I kinda wanted to do something else but we have no money to afford the good things and too tired to go clubbing. So I suggested we go eat at Chinatown because that's something we don't do very often. He said no at first because he was just there earlier that day, but I guess something made him change his mind and I cried and gave him a big hug. Tears of joy of course. But still. And the thing that surprised me the most was that when I looked up to look at him, I saw tears. From him. And I know we weren't fighting and no one was upset so I know those tears were not bad but it broke my heart anyway so I asked him why, and he just said, "You're right. We are celebrating our special day and we won't ever get a lot of chances to do stuff like this, so let's just go." And my heart was ready to explode with all the love that I feel for him.
He is awesome and he is mine. And I love him.
Anyhoo, I have already prepared myself for the stress and and hardwork of nursing school. That's why I promised him that "I will TRY to be the best girlfriend a nursing school boyfriend will ever have." I've faltered one time. But I got it together and it didn't even become an argument. But lately, I've been really missing him. Like, really REALLY missing him. Maybe it's the weather, but I just miss the days of cuddling and not getting out of bed and just sleeping all day next to him. And we're waaaaay too broke to afford our "mini vacations".
Anyhoo, yet again, last night we celebrated our 33rd month together, early. It was supposed to be this monday (12th) but I'ma be working the whole day. So we're just gonna see each other and say hi. But last night was our date night. And we went to see Zombieland. After the movie, I kinda wanted to do something else but we have no money to afford the good things and too tired to go clubbing. So I suggested we go eat at Chinatown because that's something we don't do very often. He said no at first because he was just there earlier that day, but I guess something made him change his mind and I cried and gave him a big hug. Tears of joy of course. But still. And the thing that surprised me the most was that when I looked up to look at him, I saw tears. From him. And I know we weren't fighting and no one was upset so I know those tears were not bad but it broke my heart anyway so I asked him why, and he just said, "You're right. We are celebrating our special day and we won't ever get a lot of chances to do stuff like this, so let's just go." And my heart was ready to explode with all the love that I feel for him.
He is awesome and he is mine. And I love him.
24 August 2009
Day Twenty Four: Still A Little Gypsied.
Yes, I'm still alive. And thank God for that! The past couple of weeks I've been so busy I totally forgot to blog! But of course, I'm glad I've found a way to be busy and not have a handful of my time revolve around blogging, as much as I love it.
Lately, I've been working of course, YAY!! And two jobs at that! One is of course at Feeny Chrysler-Jeep-Dodge in Elgin and Garage Experts in East Dundee. So far so good, and I can't wait to actually get a full time job. Unfortunately though, I don't think I'll be able to go to school this semester. With two part time jobs that total to 24 hours a week, a car payment and waist-deep in debt, I don't I'm moving out of Maria's house anytime soon. Although of course, that's the plan. But of course I'm also concerned about Maria's family because they're under some family/financial situation and I don't want to be just another mouth to feed. I need ANOTHER job just so I can contribute a decent amount to them. 'Coz I really feel bad.
And of course, there's still my social life. We had our last summer movie night at Maria's house last Thursday. Maria, Danny and I saw The Haunting In Connecticut. I swear this summer was something else. I've seen more horror/scary movies this summer that the last five years combined!
And speaking of summer, where did it go?? I wake up a few days ago and suddenly, school's around the corner? I feel unjustified this summer. Not enough trips, not enough hang outs, not enough parties, not enough Everything! And that includes not even seeing a Glimpse of the Beach, the Lake, or whatever. -gah- We have four months before '09 ends. I haven't even finished my '08 flashback blog (It's still inside my Documents folder). Seems like I was just writing down my New Year's Resolution.. Is this a grown-up thing? Blinking and realizing the year flew by? I hope not. But then again there was also my CPB devotion and job-hunting desperation. Oh, life. It's going by so fast I'm just always struggling to catch up.
And of course on my relationship aspect, everything's going well. There's still the occasional LQs (Lovers' Quarrel.. haha!) but I think we're both handling it a little bit better than usual. How? Don't know. All I know is that the arguments are getting shorter and shorter. It was so funny 'coz last night we had an argument and it went like this: me. him. me. him. raise voice. raise voice. tears. talk. talk. kiss. Literally.
But I gotta rant real quick: WHY THE EFF DID THEY START A ROAD CONSTRUCTION ON THE DAY SCHOOL STARTS? -eff. eff. eff.-
Jaja
Lately, I've been working of course, YAY!! And two jobs at that! One is of course at Feeny Chrysler-Jeep-Dodge in Elgin and Garage Experts in East Dundee. So far so good, and I can't wait to actually get a full time job. Unfortunately though, I don't think I'll be able to go to school this semester. With two part time jobs that total to 24 hours a week, a car payment and waist-deep in debt, I don't I'm moving out of Maria's house anytime soon. Although of course, that's the plan. But of course I'm also concerned about Maria's family because they're under some family/financial situation and I don't want to be just another mouth to feed. I need ANOTHER job just so I can contribute a decent amount to them. 'Coz I really feel bad.
And of course, there's still my social life. We had our last summer movie night at Maria's house last Thursday. Maria, Danny and I saw The Haunting In Connecticut. I swear this summer was something else. I've seen more horror/scary movies this summer that the last five years combined!
And speaking of summer, where did it go?? I wake up a few days ago and suddenly, school's around the corner? I feel unjustified this summer. Not enough trips, not enough hang outs, not enough parties, not enough Everything! And that includes not even seeing a Glimpse of the Beach, the Lake, or whatever. -gah- We have four months before '09 ends. I haven't even finished my '08 flashback blog (It's still inside my Documents folder). Seems like I was just writing down my New Year's Resolution.. Is this a grown-up thing? Blinking and realizing the year flew by? I hope not. But then again there was also my CPB devotion and job-hunting desperation. Oh, life. It's going by so fast I'm just always struggling to catch up.
And of course on my relationship aspect, everything's going well. There's still the occasional LQs (Lovers' Quarrel.. haha!) but I think we're both handling it a little bit better than usual. How? Don't know. All I know is that the arguments are getting shorter and shorter. It was so funny 'coz last night we had an argument and it went like this: me. him. me. him. raise voice. raise voice. tears. talk. talk. kiss. Literally.
But I gotta rant real quick: WHY THE EFF DID THEY START A ROAD CONSTRUCTION ON THE DAY SCHOOL STARTS? -eff. eff. eff.-
Jaja
10 August 2009
Day Nine & Ten: Back To Normal.
Seems that summer is flying by so fast, I'm starting to think that past few months have all been just a dream. Today's Monday and yet I felt like I didn't even experience the weekend.
Yesterday, Sunday, I felt like my whole day was thrown off. I took a nap three times with the feeling like I was jet-lagged. Pssh. Yeah right, from South Elgin to Elgin to East Dundee to McHenry to Elgin?
Last night, a friend's band played in Just For Fun Roller Rink in McHenry (read: Shy Town Kill). And then, afterparty at their house which was ultra-fun. We played this one version of memory/charades game. We won, woo hoo!
And then today, I worked from 8a until 2p. It was fn, I'm getting the hang of it. I even did a few transactions and quick receipts and all that stuff, all by myself. Haha. Hopefully, I didn't mess up.
And now I'm just chilling. I wanna take a nap. Maybe after this blog. Can you tell I kinda don't feel like blogging today? The whole weekend threw me off the loop. And.. I'm playing dress-up dolls online. Haha. (read: my guilty pleasure.)
Anyhoo, my dude made me really, really happy today I teared up a little, and I couldn't wipe the stupid smile off my face for a very long time. I'll tell you tomorrow. Dress-up awaits.
Jaja
Yesterday, Sunday, I felt like my whole day was thrown off. I took a nap three times with the feeling like I was jet-lagged. Pssh. Yeah right, from South Elgin to Elgin to East Dundee to McHenry to Elgin?
Last night, a friend's band played in Just For Fun Roller Rink in McHenry (read: Shy Town Kill). And then, afterparty at their house which was ultra-fun. We played this one version of memory/charades game. We won, woo hoo!
And then today, I worked from 8a until 2p. It was fn, I'm getting the hang of it. I even did a few transactions and quick receipts and all that stuff, all by myself. Haha. Hopefully, I didn't mess up.
And now I'm just chilling. I wanna take a nap. Maybe after this blog. Can you tell I kinda don't feel like blogging today? The whole weekend threw me off the loop. And.. I'm playing dress-up dolls online. Haha. (read: my guilty pleasure.)
Anyhoo, my dude made me really, really happy today I teared up a little, and I couldn't wipe the stupid smile off my face for a very long time. I'll tell you tomorrow. Dress-up awaits.
Jaja
08 August 2009
Day Eight: With My Feet Up and My Hair Down.
Life is back to normal again. Or maybe I shouldn't say normal, I should say improving. Danny and I are okay again, we're still together, and I thank God for that. Yesterday, we met in the EVC parking lot and talked it out and sorted out all our differences. Conclusion: Maturity. Not that we lacked it or anything, it was more like, we've decided we're both ready to move on the the next phase of our life, and we're doing it together. Because while we've had our shares of childish-fun-and-carelessness-slash-throw-caution-to-the-wind kind of life, we're ready to move now. We're growing up together. And while the whole "growing old together" phrase means getting married and whatnot (fyi, we both have not tackled that part of our lives yet), I told him, "How can we grow old together when we can't even grow up together?" And now, we're working it out.
At first, we were laying down the rules for this whole maturity thing, but in the end, our compromise was that, we just need to see the bigger picture and we'll just learn the ropes together. And now we're both happier than ever, and thankfully enough, happier together.
And the job thing is going along just fine too. I get 20 hours this coming week, and I start the receptionist job next Monday. And I will hear from Fedex next Monday too. I pray and pray and pray that I get the Fedex job because a.) it's full time, meaning there's awesome benefits, and b.) with a solid background and solid pay, it sounds like a solid job. And while I know that's three jobs (with a total of 56 hours a week) on top of school come fall semester, I know I need to do this. I should do this. And I can do this. I can't sleep on Maria's bedroom floor forever. And this is my fresh start. All this I thank the Lord because when I didn't fully listen to my grandparents, I was always told to go to church and pray and never forget to call on God. And I'm just starting over again. I'm slowly finding my way back. And now He's making everything possible for me again. Not that I ever questioned, or doubted. I just forgot. And I'm that person that needed to be reminded.
That is why I am here inside the Gail Borden Library facing the Fox River with my feet up and blogging and reading Twilight. Life is beautiful again, and I have God and my family and friends to thank for.
Jaja
At first, we were laying down the rules for this whole maturity thing, but in the end, our compromise was that, we just need to see the bigger picture and we'll just learn the ropes together. And now we're both happier than ever, and thankfully enough, happier together.
And the job thing is going along just fine too. I get 20 hours this coming week, and I start the receptionist job next Monday. And I will hear from Fedex next Monday too. I pray and pray and pray that I get the Fedex job because a.) it's full time, meaning there's awesome benefits, and b.) with a solid background and solid pay, it sounds like a solid job. And while I know that's three jobs (with a total of 56 hours a week) on top of school come fall semester, I know I need to do this. I should do this. And I can do this. I can't sleep on Maria's bedroom floor forever. And this is my fresh start. All this I thank the Lord because when I didn't fully listen to my grandparents, I was always told to go to church and pray and never forget to call on God. And I'm just starting over again. I'm slowly finding my way back. And now He's making everything possible for me again. Not that I ever questioned, or doubted. I just forgot. And I'm that person that needed to be reminded.
That is why I am here inside the Gail Borden Library facing the Fox River with my feet up and blogging and reading Twilight. Life is beautiful again, and I have God and my family and friends to thank for.
Jaja
07 August 2009
Update: Day Seven.
This just in.
- I asked him to meet me in VPAC today at 11a and he never showed up. I'm hurt, I'm deeply hurt. I there is such a thing as "more broken" then I'm definitely that. I've been trying to reach him but efforts are futile. Did I mention I miss him?
- I went to my Fedex second interview and it was fine. It wasn't outstanding, just fine. Unlike my first interview, which I thought I did well, this one was just fine. But I hope and pray that I get it because it's full-time. Yay!
- It has been raining pretty much since 10am. I figured the weather was joining me in my sadness. Honestly, it felt like I have no more tears to cry. Maybe that's why it rained. But I look outside and it's not raining anymore. Hope, maybe?
- I decided to continue reading Twilight before I went back to Maria's house. Where? Awesomest place ever. I seriously am starting to fall in love with Lords Park here in Elgin. I parked my car and facing the lake and just sat there while I read Twilight. Hey, that made my day bearable, at least.
- Now I'm back here in Maria's house. Patiently waiting.
I need a distraction from that phone. I need to stop calling. I'm broken.
Jaja
Day Seven: Day Off.
Haha! I have not had that kind of day since, I don't know, six months ago I guess. And I am not scheduled today. And better yet, It's payday! Well, granted it's payday every Friday but, oh well. Only I have to double-check if I'm already part of the payroll. Otherwise, I'm stuck until next Friday. Oh, that reminds me, I have to see when I'm scheduled next week.
And then, and then, and then. I have my second interview with Fedex today at 1p! Yay, yay, yay! Please pray for me and wish me luck okay? I'll update later tonight. I guess.
On a more sour note, it's been 38something hours since our spat and I still haven't heard from him. I've been calling and texting and just short of stalking him out, but of course I didn't, because I want to konw if he's okay. My mind's a halohalo of "what's going ons" and what's wrongs" and "are we still okays" and everything else in between. It's a win-lose situation I have going right here. I got a job, a family who has put a roof above my head, and a possible second job. But I might be losing the one most important person in my life. I pray as hard as I can and I wish with all my heart that that's not true. I'd like a winning streak please.
I admit, I have been selfish in some of my ways, and I would like to ask a second chance. I may not deserve it but I would like to prove that I can get over myself and become a more mature person. The one person who has taught me to be mature and kindhearted and unselfish is once again teaching me to be so. I hope that God grants him the patience that has faltered when it came to dealing with me. I feel that the person that I love is slowly slipping through my fingertips and I can barely hold on as he might be trying to let go. My heart breaks with just the thought of it happening so. I believe, and had always believed, that we have grown together as individuals and as a couple. I wish it doesn't stop now. I love him, and it breaks my heart to remember that the last memory I have of him was a stoic face, a cold kiss, and a healfhearted hug. I love him, and always have. I will not stop now. I will not give up now.
Jaja
And then, and then, and then. I have my second interview with Fedex today at 1p! Yay, yay, yay! Please pray for me and wish me luck okay? I'll update later tonight. I guess.
On a more sour note, it's been 38something hours since our spat and I still haven't heard from him. I've been calling and texting and just short of stalking him out, but of course I didn't, because I want to konw if he's okay. My mind's a halohalo of "what's going ons" and what's wrongs" and "are we still okays" and everything else in between. It's a win-lose situation I have going right here. I got a job, a family who has put a roof above my head, and a possible second job. But I might be losing the one most important person in my life. I pray as hard as I can and I wish with all my heart that that's not true. I'd like a winning streak please.
I admit, I have been selfish in some of my ways, and I would like to ask a second chance. I may not deserve it but I would like to prove that I can get over myself and become a more mature person. The one person who has taught me to be mature and kindhearted and unselfish is once again teaching me to be so. I hope that God grants him the patience that has faltered when it came to dealing with me. I feel that the person that I love is slowly slipping through my fingertips and I can barely hold on as he might be trying to let go. My heart breaks with just the thought of it happening so. I believe, and had always believed, that we have grown together as individuals and as a couple. I wish it doesn't stop now. I love him, and it breaks my heart to remember that the last memory I have of him was a stoic face, a cold kiss, and a healfhearted hug. I love him, and always have. I will not stop now. I will not give up now.
Jaja
06 August 2009
Day Six: Hope Reigns. <3
It's been more than 24 hours since our spat, and I still haven't heard from him. I'm just waiting, and hoping, and wishing, and hoping. I'm just giving it time, and space, because I know that's what he wants.
But I miss him. Which is funny, if you think about it, because that is why this whole thing started anyway. Because I missed him.
"It doesn't matter who yells. It doesn't matter if you yell, or I yell. I will always say sorry."
-Dr. Derek Shepherd, aka McDreamy, with a bouquet of red roses, on his fight with Meredith. Grey's Anatomy.
I hope this is just a phase. That everything will be okay. I love him. I miss him. I hope he's doing okay.
Jaja
inxs:
Yes, I am doing fine with my new job. I learned a lot in one day with cashiering today with Melva. Awesomeness, definitely. And tomorrow, it's payday! Hopefully, I'm already included in the payroll, haha! And I made a new friend of course. And she even offered that maybe we can be roommates when we can both afford it. Oh, economy. Oh, and I already scheduled my second interview with Fedex for tomorrow at 1pm. Hopefully, everything goes well.
And I just want to point out that I drank a large cup of frozen cappucinio from Dunkin Donuts before i went to work today, at noon, and the lady made it super-duper strong. I am now hungry, dizzy, and pretty much jittery and high from the caffeine. My hands are shaking, and I can barely think straight. Never again!
Jaja
But I miss him. Which is funny, if you think about it, because that is why this whole thing started anyway. Because I missed him.
"It doesn't matter who yells. It doesn't matter if you yell, or I yell. I will always say sorry."
-Dr. Derek Shepherd, aka McDreamy, with a bouquet of red roses, on his fight with Meredith. Grey's Anatomy.
I hope this is just a phase. That everything will be okay. I love him. I miss him. I hope he's doing okay.
Jaja
inxs:
Yes, I am doing fine with my new job. I learned a lot in one day with cashiering today with Melva. Awesomeness, definitely. And tomorrow, it's payday! Hopefully, I'm already included in the payroll, haha! And I made a new friend of course. And she even offered that maybe we can be roommates when we can both afford it. Oh, economy. Oh, and I already scheduled my second interview with Fedex for tomorrow at 1pm. Hopefully, everything goes well.
And I just want to point out that I drank a large cup of frozen cappucinio from Dunkin Donuts before i went to work today, at noon, and the lady made it super-duper strong. I am now hungry, dizzy, and pretty much jittery and high from the caffeine. My hands are shaking, and I can barely think straight. Never again!
Jaja
Anticipation.
These are just some stuff I need to unload my brain with. A.K.A., brainfarts.
- Sometimes, you never, ever what to sleep because you are right next to the person that makes you feel alive. The thought of closing your eyes make you not want to fall asleep at all because staring at his eyes is enough.
- Sometimes, you never, ever want to wake up because your dreams are filled with wonderful memories that you two have shared. And that waking up would mean going back to the reality that it's a new day filled with new trials to overcome and new memories to make, that if you stop and think about it, might not be as good as those in your dreams.
- Sometimes, you never, ever want to wake up because him sleeping next to you with his arms around you is the most wonderful feeling in the world. It's the one place you know you will always be the safest. And the one place that you are the happiest: Right beside him.
- Sometimes, you never, ever want to sleep because the day has been so perfect and so right that you don't want your happiness to stop. You want to continue sharing the world as yo see is right: Next to him, holding hands, and looking outward into the world.
- Sometimes, you never, ever want to look away because you know that world is a wonderful place to live in because you look at him and you see the world. that the thought of looking somewhere else is a shame because you have the epitome of life in front of you, and you just want to share it with the world.
- Sometimes, you never, ever want to stop smiling because you are scared of the other side. That the smile you emulate is his love, and that if you stop smiling you might feel all the hurt, and pain, and cruelty that the world has to offer.
- Sometimes, you never, ever want to stop crying because when no words appear, there are tears. And in he understands your tears, regardless of the words exchanged, he will wipe those tears away to mean he understands.
- Sometimes, you never, ever want to walk, to run, to jump, to do anything at all because moving makes you realize the earth moves, and with the moving of the earth means the continuance of life, and where you are is where you want to be for the rest of your life, and his life.
- Sometimes, you never, ever want to left go because the fear of space between you is unbearable. That the mere thought of another human being coming between you and the love that is him is too painful to bear, too confusing to understand, and to surreal to realize. That the phrase "I must have done something right.." was made just for you and him.
- Sometimes, you never, ever want to blink because the fear that this may all just be a dream is unthinkable. That how you see the world now, next to him may be different from what it really is. That how you see the world now while you're standing next to him is as close to perfection as you can achieve. And that there's no such thing as reality or imagination. Only the reality that you share together.
This Just In.
I got a callback for a second interview, yay! Yesterday, in the midst of fighting and tears and whatnot, some random number called and left a message. And when I retrieved my voicemail a couple of hours later, it was someone from Fedex calling to let me know that I should call back to schedule a second interview with Fedex! Yay, yay, yay!! I can't wait. I'll let you guys know what happens tomorrow night or something.
Jaja
Jaja
05 August 2009
Day Five: Love Reigns (I Hope).
This is my Big Bang Theory: If it's something small, it is still bound to explode. And if it hasn't exploded yet, it will.
What started off as an okay day ended up being a really terrible day. Like, really terrible day.
I woke up really really early to get ready for work. Maria dropped me off so that she and Danny can pick me up and listen to my pages at work. I don't know, maybe because I'm cranky because I haven't eaten breakfast or lunch. Maybe, it was hot. Or maybe, just 'coz. But I knew that they worked out today and hung out at the park and then I guess they ate too before picking me up, but after getting gas and then finally getting back to Maria's house, I was like "Let's go to White Pearl! I'm hungry." This was without him asking, "Hey, did you eat yet? Coz I already ate but maybe you're still hungry," that sort of thing. But no. No quips or concerns as to how I am, or whatever. So when I asked if we can go to White Pearl, he's all like "I already ate." And I go, "Well, I haven't. But you can still come with me. We can just chill." And he goes, "What am I gonna do? Just watch you eat?" And to which I answer, "It's the companionship."
But whatever. Apparently, I was begging him to come with me that he finally gave in but only after twisting his arm for forever. I even texted him "Lunch?" in that same way that Marilou texted him yesterday. [side note: aside from how to get in to Americare, I really don't think they have any business communicating with each other. Really.]
So off we went, but we were arguing. Argued through the drive to get food. Argued through me eating Wendy's (I guess White Pearl's too expensive.). Argues through the drive to school. Argued through the parking lot when I wanted to "fix it". AND argued through the drive back to Maria's house.
As a result, so close to breaking up. AGAINagainAGAINagain. Only this time it kinda supersucks. Why?
Me: Are we broken up?
Him: What do you think?
Me: Well, I'd like to think not.
Him: Okay then.
Me: So we're still together? Say it.
Him: We're still together.
Me: Do you still want me?
Him: We're still together.
[insert the sound of a heart breaking right here.]
What started off as an okay day ended up being a really terrible day. Like, really terrible day.
I woke up really really early to get ready for work. Maria dropped me off so that she and Danny can pick me up and listen to my pages at work. I don't know, maybe because I'm cranky because I haven't eaten breakfast or lunch. Maybe, it was hot. Or maybe, just 'coz. But I knew that they worked out today and hung out at the park and then I guess they ate too before picking me up, but after getting gas and then finally getting back to Maria's house, I was like "Let's go to White Pearl! I'm hungry." This was without him asking, "Hey, did you eat yet? Coz I already ate but maybe you're still hungry," that sort of thing. But no. No quips or concerns as to how I am, or whatever. So when I asked if we can go to White Pearl, he's all like "I already ate." And I go, "Well, I haven't. But you can still come with me. We can just chill." And he goes, "What am I gonna do? Just watch you eat?" And to which I answer, "It's the companionship."
But whatever. Apparently, I was begging him to come with me that he finally gave in but only after twisting his arm for forever. I even texted him "Lunch?" in that same way that Marilou texted him yesterday. [side note: aside from how to get in to Americare, I really don't think they have any business communicating with each other. Really.]
So off we went, but we were arguing. Argued through the drive to get food. Argued through me eating Wendy's (I guess White Pearl's too expensive.). Argues through the drive to school. Argued through the parking lot when I wanted to "fix it". AND argued through the drive back to Maria's house.
As a result, so close to breaking up. AGAINagainAGAINagain. Only this time it kinda supersucks. Why?
Me: Are we broken up?
Him: What do you think?
Me: Well, I'd like to think not.
Him: Okay then.
Me: So we're still together? Say it.
Him: We're still together.
Me: Do you still want me?
Him: We're still together.
[insert the sound of a heart breaking right here.]
04 August 2009
Day Four: Newbie.
Today was my first day at work! "Thank you for calling Feeny Chrysler-Jeep-Dodge. How may I direct your call?" Yep, that was me! I have to admit it was kinda weird being back on the workforce, but I know I'll have to get used to it. It was kind of scary and overwhelming at first because I have to use the overhead and page people, meaning I have to be able to speak loud and clear so that people can hear me on both lots.
And I came home and there was awesome food! It was tostadas with refried beans, meat, salsa, sour cream, lettuce, and cheese. Oh, and I had it with soy meat too! Plus, I ate two so I'm stuffed like hizzle for the rest of the day. But now Maria's in the kitchen making them again and now I'm tempted to eat again, but with real meat this time.
I took a picture too! Coming up soon!
Jaja
And I came home and there was awesome food! It was tostadas with refried beans, meat, salsa, sour cream, lettuce, and cheese. Oh, and I had it with soy meat too! Plus, I ate two so I'm stuffed like hizzle for the rest of the day. But now Maria's in the kitchen making them again and now I'm tempted to eat again, but with real meat this time.
I took a picture too! Coming up soon!
Jaja
03 August 2009
Extreme.
Oh, money. The things that go in people's heads when money's involved. Or when it's not.
I don't want to be a hypocrite, but sometimes money does make life easier, if not happier, for the most part.. or for a short part. I have these weird tendencies that go on and on in my head when money's involved.
I don't want to be a hypocrite, but sometimes money does make life easier, if not happier, for the most part.. or for a short part. I have these weird tendencies that go on and on in my head when money's involved.
- I stay away from any form or sort of shopping (i.e., online, window, etc.) when I have no money at all. Or even if I did, I couldn't afford to leave a store without buying anything.
- And yet, when there is money that I can spend, my mind is a jumble of all material items of sorts (clothes, gadgets, food, trips, supplies, etc.)
- When I receive my bills, I hold off opening it for as long as I can, maybe in the hopes that all those numbers will disappear. Sad thought: That sounded like what Rebecca Brandon nee Bloomwood would say (which is short of saying that yes, I have some form of shopping addiction.)
But anyway, that is not entirely the point of my story. My point is that, after learning a couple of hours ago that I have a job, I have just made a mental action of pulling out my shopping wish list and the stuff I would want (not need, as I am not that delirious about spending, aka blowing off, my income..) to purchase. May it be long- or short-term goals.
Here's my shopping cart wishlist:
- Converse Chuck Taylors in: black, red, white, green, light blue.
- Laptop fan.
- iTrip.
- Scrubs Season 2.
- Grey's Anatomy Season 3.
- Puma trainers in: black.
- Adidas sneakers in: white.
- Sims 3.
to be cont.
Jaja
Day Three: One More Chance.
I have a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen. For those of you who have been anticipating my return in the job industry for the last 6 months, I finally landed a job!
Special thanks to Karrrla who recommended me to her employer. I now have a source of income and no more will I be a burden to the people around me! Well, it's a part time job, but still.
Well, actually let me pull my excitement backa little.
My first special thanks goes to Nikki for recommending me a receptionist job at her dad's construction/cement factory company. But that job doesn't really start until the 17th. But I'm still really grateful.
My second special thanks goes to Karrrla, because of well, I already mentioned it above.
And my third special thanks are for the people closest to me who support me and back me up and help me in my times of need: my boyfriend Danny, my friend Maria, my mom, my uncle, grandparents, and my sister Punky. You guys rock!
Now to set my alarm and plan what to wear. Wish me luck guys!
Jaja
Yes, ladies and gentlemen. For those of you who have been anticipating my return in the job industry for the last 6 months, I finally landed a job!
Special thanks to Karrrla who recommended me to her employer. I now have a source of income and no more will I be a burden to the people around me! Well, it's a part time job, but still.
Well, actually let me pull my excitement backa little.
My first special thanks goes to Nikki for recommending me a receptionist job at her dad's construction/cement factory company. But that job doesn't really start until the 17th. But I'm still really grateful.
My second special thanks goes to Karrrla, because of well, I already mentioned it above.
And my third special thanks are for the people closest to me who support me and back me up and help me in my times of need: my boyfriend Danny, my friend Maria, my mom, my uncle, grandparents, and my sister Punky. You guys rock!
Now to set my alarm and plan what to wear. Wish me luck guys!
Jaja
EE.
Everyone Else.
So I just saw the movie The Knowing, by Nicholas Cage and this one lady from 28 Weeks Later. Anyway, I thought the movie started out good. Conspiracy and all that. I guess I overlooked the Sci-Fi part of the movie. So I was pretty much "Wait, what?" in the end.
The movie started off with a class drawing pictures to be placed in a time capsule and to be opened 50 years later. Anyhoo, I guess the main person was this little girl named Lucinda something or the other. She started writing a bunch of numbers on her piece of paper. 50 years later, the school had a ceremony to open the time capsule. Lucinda's envelope ended up with Caleb, Nicholas Cage's character's son. And then the story takes off from there.
The numbers were apparently Lucinda's predictions from the past fifty years. The numbers were the dates casualty numbers and locations. For example: 05147772141723445 would be 05/14/77 with casualties of 771 and location of 41.72 lat and 34.45 long.
And it somehow ended up in Cage's hands and he started figuring out and stuff.
Long story short, the last numbers of the paper were 101909EE########. (I forgot the numbers last.) Read: 10/19/09 casualties of Everyone Else [who have not been killed in the past 50 years] and go to the location of ##.## lat and ##.## long. The disaster? Sun flares were going to reach the Earth at such a high speed/temperature whatever that no one can be saved. I mean, how can you prevent that in less than 24 hours?
In the end, Caleb and this other girl were "saved" from the impending extinction by.. dun dun dun.. ALIENS! These blond guys in trench coats that have been appearing out of thin air were actually aliens coming to save those "who heard the call."
Scenario: New planet, yellow antler-like grass covering a huge meadow with alien spaceships dropping off the pairs of children carrying pairs of animals in the middle of the meadow. Result? New World.
Bye, technology.
Jaja
So I just saw the movie The Knowing, by Nicholas Cage and this one lady from 28 Weeks Later. Anyway, I thought the movie started out good. Conspiracy and all that. I guess I overlooked the Sci-Fi part of the movie. So I was pretty much "Wait, what?" in the end.
The movie started off with a class drawing pictures to be placed in a time capsule and to be opened 50 years later. Anyhoo, I guess the main person was this little girl named Lucinda something or the other. She started writing a bunch of numbers on her piece of paper. 50 years later, the school had a ceremony to open the time capsule. Lucinda's envelope ended up with Caleb, Nicholas Cage's character's son. And then the story takes off from there.
The numbers were apparently Lucinda's predictions from the past fifty years. The numbers were the dates casualty numbers and locations. For example: 05147772141723445 would be 05/14/77 with casualties of 771 and location of 41.72 lat and 34.45 long.
And it somehow ended up in Cage's hands and he started figuring out and stuff.
Long story short, the last numbers of the paper were 101909EE########. (I forgot the numbers last.) Read: 10/19/09 casualties of Everyone Else [who have not been killed in the past 50 years] and go to the location of ##.## lat and ##.## long. The disaster? Sun flares were going to reach the Earth at such a high speed/temperature whatever that no one can be saved. I mean, how can you prevent that in less than 24 hours?
In the end, Caleb and this other girl were "saved" from the impending extinction by.. dun dun dun.. ALIENS! These blond guys in trench coats that have been appearing out of thin air were actually aliens coming to save those "who heard the call."
Scenario: New planet, yellow antler-like grass covering a huge meadow with alien spaceships dropping off the pairs of children carrying pairs of animals in the middle of the meadow. Result? New World.
Bye, technology.
Jaja
02 August 2009
Home Depot Product Placement.
a.k.a. The Collector.
I just got home from watching The Collector with Andrea, Jarrod, Danny, and Dany. It was an option between The Orphan or The Collector. -ugh- It was like the goriest movie I've seen in forever! Granted that I've only seen one Saw movie.
And here are some thoughts I'd like to ponder about.
I just got home from watching The Collector with Andrea, Jarrod, Danny, and Dany. It was an option between The Orphan or The Collector. -ugh- It was like the goriest movie I've seen in forever! Granted that I've only seen one Saw movie.
And here are some thoughts I'd like to ponder about.
- Who was the guy inside the box?
- Why was Arkin's wife (girlfriend?) borrowing money from loan sharks and expecting Arkin to pay it off?
- Where was the little girl hiding all that time?
- How did the Collector booby-trap that house that fast?
- Why didn't Arkin see all those booby traps?
- Why does the Collector collect people and what does he do with them?
- Why didn't the mom and dad even wonder what Arkin, their handyman, was doing inside their house late at night when the family's supposed to be on vacation?
- Did Home Depot sponsor this movie?
Sorry for some disclaimers but yeah. I need to absorb what I just saw. Oh, and the movie was from the makers of the last few Saw movies.
Oh, and Collector = 1. Arkin = 0.
Jaja
Day Two: Food Adventure.
Since I'm going to be living here at Maria's house for some time, I know I'm going to be experiencing some of her mom's great cooking. Yes, she's an awesome cook -just as Maria- and she also makes these most amazing cakes and desserts. .:yum:. I guess that means actually enlisting my boyfriend to actually, really work out with me. Because if not, at the end of my stay here, I'll be little miss fatty mcfatfat.
Anyhoo, this morning, I ate this scrambled egg thing with tortillas actually scrambled with it. The tortillas were chopped up and cooked together with the eggs, and then squirt a quarter slice of lime in it. For breakfast! Yummy.
And then for lunch, I had posole, which is almost quite similar to the Filipinos' version of sinigang. Only difference is that, you cook the vegetables with sinigang. Since Maria's sister is vegetarian, they mom made two versions of posole, the one with meat in in, and the other one with mushrooms. The food had skin with fat or whatever you call it and some white round things that remind me of corn but bigger than corn.. I don't know what it's called.
Anyway, I grabbed a bowl and mixed up the vegetarian and meatitarian (?) version because I love mushrooms, and then I added some shredded lettuce (cabbage? I can never tell..), fresh slices of onions, chopped oregano leaves, powdered red pepper, and avocado slices. And I added a couple of tostadas and refried beans as a side. Yummy, yummy, yummy. I should've taken photos. Hmm. I'll do it next time for sure.
Oh, and I forgot to add. You squeeze lime into it, too. :D
Jaja
Anyhoo, this morning, I ate this scrambled egg thing with tortillas actually scrambled with it. The tortillas were chopped up and cooked together with the eggs, and then squirt a quarter slice of lime in it. For breakfast! Yummy.
And then for lunch, I had posole, which is almost quite similar to the Filipinos' version of sinigang. Only difference is that, you cook the vegetables with sinigang. Since Maria's sister is vegetarian, they mom made two versions of posole, the one with meat in in, and the other one with mushrooms. The food had skin with fat or whatever you call it and some white round things that remind me of corn but bigger than corn.. I don't know what it's called.
Anyway, I grabbed a bowl and mixed up the vegetarian and meatitarian (?) version because I love mushrooms, and then I added some shredded lettuce (cabbage? I can never tell..), fresh slices of onions, chopped oregano leaves, powdered red pepper, and avocado slices. And I added a couple of tostadas and refried beans as a side. Yummy, yummy, yummy. I should've taken photos. Hmm. I'll do it next time for sure.
Oh, and I forgot to add. You squeeze lime into it, too. :D
Jaja
A New Leaf.
Surprise, surprise!
After actually not going to a catholic church for many, many, MANY months, I decided last night that I am going to church today. And I actually did! I mean, granted I was supposed to go the the 9am one, but I overslept and ended up hearing the 12noon mass, I still went. Without anyone telling me to do so, or twisting my arm, or the promise of free food or whatnot. I don't know, I just felt like I really need this now. I need to fill this void in my life, before I totally forget.
So after searching for a decent catholic church with good parking, hours that I actually know, and an English service, I went with St. Thomas Moore in Elgin. I guess a lot of Filipinos go there to hear mass, and I thought it was cool that it was a Filipino priest too. Anyhoo, I've known about this church for some time but I never really went. But a few weeks ago, my friend's second kid was baptized in that church and my boyfriend was godfather so we were invited to go. I liked the place, and the parking space, etc. So today I finally went.
It was kinda weird and awkward at first because I have already gotten used to my boyfriend's church's informal way of conducting service that I kinda felt detached to the catholic church's formal, structured ways. But nevertheless, I stayed and paid attention and shared "Peace be with you"s to everyone around me. If I just keep this up, I'm pretty sure I'll get back to the hang of it.
Maybe I'll even volunteer my time. =D
Jaja
After actually not going to a catholic church for many, many, MANY months, I decided last night that I am going to church today. And I actually did! I mean, granted I was supposed to go the the 9am one, but I overslept and ended up hearing the 12noon mass, I still went. Without anyone telling me to do so, or twisting my arm, or the promise of free food or whatnot. I don't know, I just felt like I really need this now. I need to fill this void in my life, before I totally forget.
So after searching for a decent catholic church with good parking, hours that I actually know, and an English service, I went with St. Thomas Moore in Elgin. I guess a lot of Filipinos go there to hear mass, and I thought it was cool that it was a Filipino priest too. Anyhoo, I've known about this church for some time but I never really went. But a few weeks ago, my friend's second kid was baptized in that church and my boyfriend was godfather so we were invited to go. I liked the place, and the parking space, etc. So today I finally went.
It was kinda weird and awkward at first because I have already gotten used to my boyfriend's church's informal way of conducting service that I kinda felt detached to the catholic church's formal, structured ways. But nevertheless, I stayed and paid attention and shared "Peace be with you"s to everyone around me. If I just keep this up, I'm pretty sure I'll get back to the hang of it.
Maybe I'll even volunteer my time. =D
Jaja
Day Two: Learning The Ropes.
So this is how it is to be living under someone else's roof. Yesterday, after I came home from the library, I went back to Maria's house to chill for a little bit before going to Diana's house for our weekly chillage. So I had to go through the front door and ask Maria's sister to buzz me in. And then, we just hung out and talked and watched Gilmore Girls with my boyfriend before I go and pick up Maria from her work.
And then when it was time for me and my boyfriend to leave to go to Diana's place, Maria's sister gave me her set of keys because she'll be going to a party with Maria tonight also.
And even though I have my own keys and can let myself in when I go home later that night, I still told Maria to let me know when they're coming home from their party so that we'll all go in together. I just thought it'd be too weird to be there before them and then see that their parents are already home. Awkward.
And then my boyfriend and I left the party a little later than Maria did at hers that I just asked her to go inside and let me in because I'll get home a few minutes after she will. When I got there, I saw that Maria already set my beddings on the floor, which I thought was a really, really nice gesture but I also kinda felt bad because I'm not really their guest. In fact, they're just doing me a favor.
Anyhoo, this morning when I woke up, I felt bad -again- because even though I planned on waking up at 7am to get ready to go to church by 9, I must have snoozed because I woke up at 938am! And not only that, everybody was already awake too! Even Maria's sister already left to go to her daily Herbalife meeting at 8am, or somewhere around that time.
Then I went to get ready because I can still catch up to the noon mass, which was also the last mass of the day. Only it took me more than an hour to take a shower, get dressed, blowdry and iron my hair, and everything else in between. .:gah:.
When I went to the kitchen to mingle a little bit, as soon as I sat down on the dining room chair, Maria offered me some breakfast! I feel really bad because I'm not a guest at the house really. And they're being really, really nice to me.
After I ate the food, and washed some of the dishes, I put my laptop away and then said goodbye so that I can go to church and then head on the library for the rest of the day.
Now I'm in the library, doing my usual online stuff. Plus I decided to watch the Gilmore Girls season 2 DVD here instead of back at Maria' house because I don't want to be just laying there watching movies and stuff and ignore her sister. That's why I'm here.
And since it's a weekend, I'm most likely going to have plans. And hopefully that will include Maria. I mean, she still has her own group of friends and I have mine. And I just think it'd be really awkward if I go out everyday with my group of friends while she doesn't have any plans. That means we both need to make plans together so we can both be out of the house doing the same thing instead of separately.
I hope I adjust with this situation soon enough so I don't have to keep feeling awkward towards their family and stuff. Hopefully, everything gets better soon enough.
Jaja
And then when it was time for me and my boyfriend to leave to go to Diana's place, Maria's sister gave me her set of keys because she'll be going to a party with Maria tonight also.
And even though I have my own keys and can let myself in when I go home later that night, I still told Maria to let me know when they're coming home from their party so that we'll all go in together. I just thought it'd be too weird to be there before them and then see that their parents are already home. Awkward.
And then my boyfriend and I left the party a little later than Maria did at hers that I just asked her to go inside and let me in because I'll get home a few minutes after she will. When I got there, I saw that Maria already set my beddings on the floor, which I thought was a really, really nice gesture but I also kinda felt bad because I'm not really their guest. In fact, they're just doing me a favor.
Anyhoo, this morning when I woke up, I felt bad -again- because even though I planned on waking up at 7am to get ready to go to church by 9, I must have snoozed because I woke up at 938am! And not only that, everybody was already awake too! Even Maria's sister already left to go to her daily Herbalife meeting at 8am, or somewhere around that time.
Then I went to get ready because I can still catch up to the noon mass, which was also the last mass of the day. Only it took me more than an hour to take a shower, get dressed, blowdry and iron my hair, and everything else in between. .:gah:.
When I went to the kitchen to mingle a little bit, as soon as I sat down on the dining room chair, Maria offered me some breakfast! I feel really bad because I'm not a guest at the house really. And they're being really, really nice to me.
After I ate the food, and washed some of the dishes, I put my laptop away and then said goodbye so that I can go to church and then head on the library for the rest of the day.
Now I'm in the library, doing my usual online stuff. Plus I decided to watch the Gilmore Girls season 2 DVD here instead of back at Maria' house because I don't want to be just laying there watching movies and stuff and ignore her sister. That's why I'm here.
And since it's a weekend, I'm most likely going to have plans. And hopefully that will include Maria. I mean, she still has her own group of friends and I have mine. And I just think it'd be really awkward if I go out everyday with my group of friends while she doesn't have any plans. That means we both need to make plans together so we can both be out of the house doing the same thing instead of separately.
I hope I adjust with this situation soon enough so I don't have to keep feeling awkward towards their family and stuff. Hopefully, everything gets better soon enough.
Jaja
01 August 2009
Day One: Virgin Gypsy.
As of 11am this morning, I am officially homeless. I gave up my apartment and put the last of my stuff in storage with the help of my boyfriend. And as of 230pm, this homeless 24-year old Filipina has no home, no job, no money -but blogging inside the Gail Borden Library.
If you are my friend and you're reading this, don't worry. It's not as bad as it sounds. My friend Maria offered for me to stay in her apartment with her sister and parents. And I am giving myself 30 days to move back out. Hopefully, with a decent paying job, and a decent living condition I can call "my place". And that includes everything in between: my bills, my legal problems, and my education.
If not for these people (my mom, my sister, my uncle and grandparents, my boyfriend, and my friend Maria) I wouldn't know where I'd be right now. Their patience and understanding and love for me keeps me going. At around 2am, I broke into tears, one of my handful of breakdowns. I cried myself to sleep because it broke my heart that I am at the lowest point of my life right now. I cried myself to sleep while my boyfriend's arms are wrapped around me comforting me and protecting me with the best that he can. "I want to sleep and never open my eyes again," was the only thought that ran through my mind before I fell asleep. But today, before my boyfriend said bye to go to his karate class, he told me, "Everything will be okay. Just trust and have faith in God. And don't forget to pray." It filled my with hope, and the longing that in a few weeks, it will all get better.
So now, here I am, the virgin gypsy, and I don't know what to do. But people that I know that care about me are surrounding me and right now, that's all I need.
We'll see what tomorrow brings me.
Jaja
If you are my friend and you're reading this, don't worry. It's not as bad as it sounds. My friend Maria offered for me to stay in her apartment with her sister and parents. And I am giving myself 30 days to move back out. Hopefully, with a decent paying job, and a decent living condition I can call "my place". And that includes everything in between: my bills, my legal problems, and my education.
If not for these people (my mom, my sister, my uncle and grandparents, my boyfriend, and my friend Maria) I wouldn't know where I'd be right now. Their patience and understanding and love for me keeps me going. At around 2am, I broke into tears, one of my handful of breakdowns. I cried myself to sleep because it broke my heart that I am at the lowest point of my life right now. I cried myself to sleep while my boyfriend's arms are wrapped around me comforting me and protecting me with the best that he can. "I want to sleep and never open my eyes again," was the only thought that ran through my mind before I fell asleep. But today, before my boyfriend said bye to go to his karate class, he told me, "Everything will be okay. Just trust and have faith in God. And don't forget to pray." It filled my with hope, and the longing that in a few weeks, it will all get better.
So now, here I am, the virgin gypsy, and I don't know what to do. But people that I know that care about me are surrounding me and right now, that's all I need.
We'll see what tomorrow brings me.
Jaja
31 July 2009
Jobmonger.
Fedex. UPS. US Postal Service. Walnut Speak Easy. Kohl’s. TJ Maxx. Victoria’s Secret. Abercrombie. PacSun. New York and Company. Deb. Kid Access. JC Penny. Michael’s. Joann Fabrics. Hobby Lobby. Yankee Candle. Froots. Steak N Shake. Target. Walmart. Meijer. Home Goods. Sam’s Club. JJR Distributing. OfficeMax. Provena St. Joseph’s . Lexington. Alexian Brothers. St. Alexius. Friendship Village. House of Brides. Toys R Us. Babies R Us. Ulta. Kinder Care. Menard’s. Picture People. Olan Mills. Eda Liquor. Woodhouse Day Spa. Plato’s Closet. Feeny. Chiropractic offices. Medical offices. Dental offices. Warehouses.
You name it, my resume went out there. And these are just “some” of the places I applied to this summer alone. Craigslist, Yahoo Jobs, Career Builder, Monster. I was a regular in all those sites. I can probably teach you a thing or two on how to write your resume, how to fix it, how to conduct yourself in an interview, what to say, what to do, what to wear.
And yet, I am still jobless.
Can anybody tell me why?
Jaja
You name it, my resume went out there. And these are just “some” of the places I applied to this summer alone. Craigslist, Yahoo Jobs, Career Builder, Monster. I was a regular in all those sites. I can probably teach you a thing or two on how to write your resume, how to fix it, how to conduct yourself in an interview, what to say, what to do, what to wear.
And yet, I am still jobless.
Can anybody tell me why?
Jaja
28 July 2009
square one. blank canvas. clean slate. ground zero.
i always have the habit of making a new blog when i feel like i need a reorganization in my life. like a hair cut. cut off that weighing burden. but not this time. i'm going to stick it out. from this blog forward. it's all new. jaja reinvented ver. 2.0
11 June 2009
give me until after this weekend..
and i'm all yours!!!!!!!!!!!!
between cpb, jobhunting, relay for life, and having a life.. i am everywhere!!!!!!!
i can't help but wish i'd pass out and wake up on sunday. definitely after relay.
ta ta!
jaja
between cpb, jobhunting, relay for life, and having a life.. i am everywhere!!!!!!!
i can't help but wish i'd pass out and wake up on sunday. definitely after relay.
ta ta!
jaja
28 May 2009
The L.A. Fitness Gimmick
Last month, L.A. Fitness opened up their brand new location in South Elgin. And prior to that, the marketing and sales department of said fitness center has been working triple time to promote their opening and sell memberships. And of course, they wasted no time in promoting themselves inside the halls of Elgin Community College. The gimmick? Hand out free passes to students to get their attention and convince them to sign up for memberships. The offer? A membership fit for your budget with a one time set up fee and no yearly contracts to manage, only a month to month membership. The price? Not cheap, but reasonable. A fully equipped gym with machines, weights, studios, work out classes in big air conditioned dance/exercise studios, three racquetball courts, a basketball court, a lap pool, Jacuzzi, and a spacious locker/shower room with a sauna for less than fifty dollars a month.
So how do we get these people to voluntarily walk through the doors of L.A. Fitness and sell them memberships instead of our sales team walking around and all over town in search of a clientele? Free passes. Or more specifically a 3 on 3 free work out pass: Three people can work out for free for three consecutive days at the gym. Who would want to try a new gym by themselves anyway? You need someone to exchange opinions with. So you bring two of your friends and explore the place. Work out and talk and whatnot. Sounds just about right. So you walk in with your two buddies with the golden free gym pass at a three week old fitness center. And right off the bat, a sales person will give you a “tour” of the place. Basically selling the gym to you, when the only thing you want to do anyway is just get your workout of the way. After the tour, they sit you down and bam, a sales pitch ensues. Now, I may not be an expert at selling stuff (trust me, I did it once and never doing it again.), but I am a Marketing and Retail Management major. So I know that the rule of thumb is not to sell something to a client, but “help them buy”. Meaning you stand at the client’s side, not be on the opposite side of the table (not literally of course.) They even went as far as calling upper management to see if they can “extend” a more appropriate offer. Something that is between you and them alone, a la customized membership fees. So you show the sales person your golden ticket to three free days at the gym and he tells you that you cannot possibly achieve results in three days, that it takes 21 days to form a habit, and instead of using it to work out for three days, you can cash it in for a discounted one time set up fee and a reduced price for a membership fee. So the regular $149 one time fee and 39.99 monthly fee is now $99 and $35, respectively. But you tell them you have nothing on you right now and it’s not the right time to set up a membership, maybe down the line, but for now you just wanna check the place out. Mr. Upper Management even “went there”, when he asked me and my friend “Not even $60 between the two of you?” And I’m just thinking, really? Seriously?
The one big thing that bothered me when I was sitting there with my friend and my boyfriend was that, as frank as we were that we were not interested in purchasing a membership, the sales person right off the bat showed no interest in doing his job knowing full well he will not be getting our signatures at the end of his spiel. It felt like he was just forcing himself to do his script and go through S.O.P., all the while you can tell by his body language, tone, and facial expressions that he just want to get this over with. And I even had this weird feeling that had I been able to literally read the tip of his tongue, it would have said that we can’t work out. So pretty much that whole 15 something minutes we were sitting there felt like a drag, a waste of time. He had no charm, no conviction, no sincerity.
Of course we still managed to work out and tried out their facility short of jumping into the lap pool and steaming our butts away inside the sauna.
But does this really bad marketing/sales training stop there? No. The gimmick actually doesn’t even start there. That was just the icing on the cake. A sneak preview, a peep show. The real gimmick, which leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth, starts the following day.
So my boyfriend and my friend ended up going back the next day to stake their claim on the second of three days of free gym pass. As if they purposely wrote our names down “just in case”, as soon as they walk into the gym and straight into the front desk, one sales person came up to them and said something along these words, “The 3 on 3 passes can only be used by people who want to purchase a membership in here.” Yes, ladies and gentlemen, these two future potential clients were denied access to the facility because they are not interested in purchasing a membership at that time. So my boyfriend tells them about what he thought about their cunning advertising. About how that’s false advertising right there because, as whoever handed out those passes to ECC certainly did not include or bother to say that those passes are only for people who are sure to purchase a membership. My boyfriend even went to say that he should then tell the students of ECC about their bogus promotion and that it’s not fair at all. And what did the guy do? He just shrugged his shoulders as if to say, “What can I do? I just work here. I don’t make the rules.” Too bad my boyfriend didn’t get his name, or it would have been here in my rant, in bold, underlined, italic and highlighted letters, font size 50.
I understand the concept of their promotion, I really do. I think it’s genius. Why give away one week passes to individuals (Fitness 19) when you can get 1 person to come in with two of his friends. That’s three times the chance to sell memberships and reach your daily goal. But I believe that everyone is a potential client. Not today, but somewhere down the line. And if these sales people have just taken a sales class, word of mouth is the strongest publicity one can have.
Here’s Sales 101 for you L.A. Fitness employees:
1.) People rarely talk about the good customer service they got. They are more inclined to go on a rant rampage because of bad customer service, bad quality, bad service, etc. Have you heard anyone ever say, “I had a good experience today at [insert business or store here]. They really filled up my cup of drink with just the right amount of ice.” Granted, maybe that person will say it once. But find me a person who will talk to anyone they come across ranting and venting about how he told the server “no ice, please” but ended up with an cup full of ice? People remember the bad stuff and will talk about it ten years from now even. So that window of opportunity you have to make an impression to a customer? Make it a good one. Because to that person, you will only have your fifteen minutes of fame one time.
2.) It is six times harder and more costly to gain a customer than to keep one. Confuzzled? Let me rephrase. It only takes 1/6 the effort to keep a customer than to gain one.
3.) Here is the Pareto Principle, also known as the 80/20 rule: 80% of your income will come from 20% of your customers. Meaning you better make nice with everyone that walks in your gym, aka potential clients. Because the 20% that walk through those electronic doors will give you 80% of the funds you will need to maintain your facility, your equipments, and your employees.
4.) AIDA: attention, interest, desire, action. You got my attention, now I’m showing interest. How will I establish desire when you’re action is to disqualify me as a potential client?
5.) Sell the sizzle, not the steak. A car is just a box with wheels until you make me realize that the world is too big to discover it on foot. A school is just a brick building with books until you make me see I need an education. A gym is just a museum of gadgetry until you make me experience it.
6.) Don’t focus on the price, but on the value. And you’re telling me that my access to the facility is denied unless I come into terms of payment with the price of your membership.
My final thoughts on this proud representation of bad advertising is this: When you go down the food court of your local mall and you see “Free Taste” on one of the food chains, it doesn’t come with the watermark of “Only When You Buy It Afterwards”.
So here’s a little something for you, Mr. L.A. Fitness Sales Person: Fitness 19 is just down the street, and they certainly don’t twist your arm before/during/after you use up your free pass. Because everyone knows you just have to “make nice.”
Jaja
20 May 2009
to be or not to be.
so, i've been thinking lately. well, more like been thinking about it for the past year something. and there's this fact that i've come across and is kinda ignoring slash denying myself of its truth: i don't think my boyfriend's family likes me.
i mean, it been 859days/28months/2years and 4months. that's a number of birthdays, christmasses, new years, mothers days, fathers days, halloweens, masses, karates, dinners, lunches, movies, etc., etc., etc. yet i don't honestly feel like i'm any closer to being a part of their family. not in the "married to your son" kind of way. but the "we like you a lot" kind of way. how many times have i shared awkward hugs and smiles and greetings with danny's family? countless of times. how many times have i dreaded seeing them at church or their house or danny's play? quite a handful, i must say. and that's not just his mom, dad, and sister. it's his relatives as well. hey, at least i'm "kind of" friends with his cousins. -gah-
and the funny thing? i think danny's family as cool as hell. i have super high respect to his cousins and relatives. i think his mom is the bomb because she's cool, understanding, and just plain awesome. i think his dad's funny as hell and reminds me of an uncle of some sort, also because he talks to me in filipino. i used to think of the world of christine too. i mean seriously, his mom invited me to celebrate christmas one time at their house coz my family wasn't celebrating that year (but then again, that was a couple of weeks before we started dating). his sister even said i was her hero coz she thought i was cool. heck, she even pulled a "i'm gonna show you something but don't tell my brother" thing which danny almost got mad at me for.
the even funnier part? whenever i'm in their relatives' house, i have this strange feeling where they want to talk about me but too bad they can't coz i can understand both english AND filipino. that only leaves them with ilocano, but then again, that's a close call they shouldn't risk.
i thought that his family liked me. apparently, i believe they just don't have anything bad to say. which, i understand, are two different things.
of course, they're gonna be protective of him. he's the youngest boy in the family (cousins and all), he's a good kid, he loves his family, and he's the favorite. the only person they've ever approved for him? this girl kendra. who's kendra? she was danny's dream girl in highschool. they dated for a couple of months and she pretty much dumped him. but why did/do they liked/like her? coz she goes to church, and obviously that includes of them being the same religion.
and then, there was this one other girl rachel, that they wanted him to go out with, since i think it's pretty convenient that she's already best friends with his cousins and all. but it never happened coz of -- baggage issues?
the really sucky "stab the heart, twist, pull, and repeat" part of it? danny's mom thinks that i love/need his son more than his son does for me. ouch.
all i can say is that i have been nothing but nice to them. it hurts to think that i love his family and that i imagined myself part of their family (like i said not the "married to your son" way but the "adopted daughter" kind of way). i still wish about that from time to time, hoping that they'll change their mind about me. accept me, and trust me. and not see me as "that girl who wants to take their beloved son/nephew/brother/cousin away from them."
the really, really, REALLY sucky part? since my family's moving to california, i was really, really, REALLY wishing to be closer to them, so that i can still have a family.
and of course, who's gonna want to marry a girl that the family disapproves right?
i really wish, they'd like me more but -
i can only try for so long. i don't want to insist myself upon people who already made up their mind about me.
jaja
maybe when pigs fly?
i mean, it been 859days/28months/2years and 4months. that's a number of birthdays, christmasses, new years, mothers days, fathers days, halloweens, masses, karates, dinners, lunches, movies, etc., etc., etc. yet i don't honestly feel like i'm any closer to being a part of their family. not in the "married to your son" kind of way. but the "we like you a lot" kind of way. how many times have i shared awkward hugs and smiles and greetings with danny's family? countless of times. how many times have i dreaded seeing them at church or their house or danny's play? quite a handful, i must say. and that's not just his mom, dad, and sister. it's his relatives as well. hey, at least i'm "kind of" friends with his cousins. -gah-
and the funny thing? i think danny's family as cool as hell. i have super high respect to his cousins and relatives. i think his mom is the bomb because she's cool, understanding, and just plain awesome. i think his dad's funny as hell and reminds me of an uncle of some sort, also because he talks to me in filipino. i used to think of the world of christine too. i mean seriously, his mom invited me to celebrate christmas one time at their house coz my family wasn't celebrating that year (but then again, that was a couple of weeks before we started dating). his sister even said i was her hero coz she thought i was cool. heck, she even pulled a "i'm gonna show you something but don't tell my brother" thing which danny almost got mad at me for.
the even funnier part? whenever i'm in their relatives' house, i have this strange feeling where they want to talk about me but too bad they can't coz i can understand both english AND filipino. that only leaves them with ilocano, but then again, that's a close call they shouldn't risk.
i thought that his family liked me. apparently, i believe they just don't have anything bad to say. which, i understand, are two different things.
of course, they're gonna be protective of him. he's the youngest boy in the family (cousins and all), he's a good kid, he loves his family, and he's the favorite. the only person they've ever approved for him? this girl kendra. who's kendra? she was danny's dream girl in highschool. they dated for a couple of months and she pretty much dumped him. but why did/do they liked/like her? coz she goes to church, and obviously that includes of them being the same religion.
and then, there was this one other girl rachel, that they wanted him to go out with, since i think it's pretty convenient that she's already best friends with his cousins and all. but it never happened coz of -- baggage issues?
the really sucky "stab the heart, twist, pull, and repeat" part of it? danny's mom thinks that i love/need his son more than his son does for me. ouch.
all i can say is that i have been nothing but nice to them. it hurts to think that i love his family and that i imagined myself part of their family (like i said not the "married to your son" way but the "adopted daughter" kind of way). i still wish about that from time to time, hoping that they'll change their mind about me. accept me, and trust me. and not see me as "that girl who wants to take their beloved son/nephew/brother/cousin away from them."
the really, really, REALLY sucky part? since my family's moving to california, i was really, really, REALLY wishing to be closer to them, so that i can still have a family.
and of course, who's gonna want to marry a girl that the family disapproves right?
i really wish, they'd like me more but -
i can only try for so long. i don't want to insist myself upon people who already made up their mind about me.
jaja
maybe when pigs fly?
19 May 2009
leadership banquet
2005-2006 leadership banquet: red carpet
asian filipino club: best event on a shoestring budget,
2006-2007 leadership banquet: sock hop
asian filipino club: distinguished member award, outstanding president award
2007-2008 leadership banquet: broadway
asian filipino club: most creative marketing plan, distinguished officer award, distinguished club award.
2008-2009 leadership banquet: awesome 80's
college programming board: distinguished member award, best event on a shoestring budget, distinguished club award.
i have been to four leadership banquets, with four different themes. four outfits. four pairs of shoes. two clubs. 9+ awards. i finally got my own. an award with my name on it. but that's not my biggest celebration. my biggest celebration is that i've proven to myself, and others, that wherever you put me, i have something to bring. that i can bring something to the table. and that i am not a nobody. i give myself 100% to a cause that i believe in and i cross that finish line with my head help up high. because even if there's twelve more awards down the line, i don't see my name in any of those recognitions, my work reflects my heart and those awards reflect my passion.
thank you, college programming board, for letting me make a difference.
congratulations! we all deserve it. don't stop rockin'!
jaja
asian filipino club: best event on a shoestring budget,
2006-2007 leadership banquet: sock hop
asian filipino club: distinguished member award, outstanding president award
2007-2008 leadership banquet: broadway
asian filipino club: most creative marketing plan, distinguished officer award, distinguished club award.
2008-2009 leadership banquet: awesome 80's
college programming board: distinguished member award, best event on a shoestring budget, distinguished club award.
i have been to four leadership banquets, with four different themes. four outfits. four pairs of shoes. two clubs. 9+ awards. i finally got my own. an award with my name on it. but that's not my biggest celebration. my biggest celebration is that i've proven to myself, and others, that wherever you put me, i have something to bring. that i can bring something to the table. and that i am not a nobody. i give myself 100% to a cause that i believe in and i cross that finish line with my head help up high. because even if there's twelve more awards down the line, i don't see my name in any of those recognitions, my work reflects my heart and those awards reflect my passion.
thank you, college programming board, for letting me make a difference.
congratulations! we all deserve it. don't stop rockin'!
jaja
04 May 2009
after-after-parties
Gah.
I need to get a job. Soon! Because all of a sudden I partying after an after party. Or hanging out after a hang out. Aaahh! It's like taking a vacation after coming back from a vacation. I can't afford this recent discovery of a lifestyle if I don't get a job. Soon.
Last friday was ECC's Best Dance Crew hosted by the Spartan Sweethearts. And Noah, Nikki, and Danny formed a crew and called themselves Devil's Persuasion, or DP for short. Haha, I know, I know.
And seriously, with all the competition, it was like their crew was made to win. Haha. Well, plus they were just osang (ooh I missed using that word). And they were the only crew who had special effects. Fog light and spot lights. So the effect was very silhouette-ish. But yea, DP won!!
So yea, basically, after the dance competition there was supposed to be an after party. But then it was moved to the next day. But DP and their close friends and family went to afterparty at Nick's Pizza. Special thanks to our sponsor, Nikki's dad Angelo. Hehe. And then we were supposed to afterafterparty at jHo's house but we stayed at Nick's for way too long and it was already late to go to jHo's house.
I need to get a job. Soon! Because all of a sudden I partying after an after party. Or hanging out after a hang out. Aaahh! It's like taking a vacation after coming back from a vacation. I can't afford this recent discovery of a lifestyle if I don't get a job. Soon.
Last friday was ECC's Best Dance Crew hosted by the Spartan Sweethearts. And Noah, Nikki, and Danny formed a crew and called themselves Devil's Persuasion, or DP for short. Haha, I know, I know.
And seriously, with all the competition, it was like their crew was made to win. Haha. Well, plus they were just osang (ooh I missed using that word). And they were the only crew who had special effects. Fog light and spot lights. So the effect was very silhouette-ish. But yea, DP won!!
So yea, basically, after the dance competition there was supposed to be an after party. But then it was moved to the next day. But DP and their close friends and family went to afterparty at Nick's Pizza. Special thanks to our sponsor, Nikki's dad Angelo. Hehe. And then we were supposed to afterafterparty at jHo's house but we stayed at Nick's for way too long and it was already late to go to jHo's house.
30 April 2009
screw you okay??
Okay. This really should not be a big deal to me, but it is, and so I need to vent. Big time.
Yesterday, I was reading some congressman's letter on this website I found and Molly and Nick were to my right doing Molly's paper on something. Out of nowhere, FrickinDavid walks in yelling "Shatner! Shatner! Shatner!", like he's cheering or something. They told him to be quiet because they're doing a paper and then I turned to him and made the "SSHH" sign. After a few seconds, he walked up behind Nick and started yelling "Shatner!" again. And then I turned around and gave him the "SSHH" sigh again, then Nick told him to be quiet. AND-frickin-THEN, FrickinDavid looks straight at me and says squarely, "Make me, Janis." All serious and shiznit.
That was it. I snapped. I snapped hardcore AND bigtime. I turned back around and started yelling my head off and wagging my finger and whatnot at FrickinDavid. I was all like, "How dare you talk to me like that. You have no right to speak to me that way. Here I am being nice to you and you're telling me I'm being rude by telling you to shut up when I never did. I am done. Make me? Make me, David? Go find yourself another friend coz I'm done." or something to that effect. And then I turned back around. And ignored him. And I plan on ignoring him for the rest of my life. Ugh.
He just exed himself on my list.
Screw you FrickinDavid.
jaja
Yesterday, I was reading some congressman's letter on this website I found and Molly and Nick were to my right doing Molly's paper on something. Out of nowhere, FrickinDavid walks in yelling "Shatner! Shatner! Shatner!", like he's cheering or something. They told him to be quiet because they're doing a paper and then I turned to him and made the "SSHH" sign. After a few seconds, he walked up behind Nick and started yelling "Shatner!" again. And then I turned around and gave him the "SSHH" sigh again, then Nick told him to be quiet. AND-frickin-THEN, FrickinDavid looks straight at me and says squarely, "Make me, Janis." All serious and shiznit.
That was it. I snapped. I snapped hardcore AND bigtime. I turned back around and started yelling my head off and wagging my finger and whatnot at FrickinDavid. I was all like, "How dare you talk to me like that. You have no right to speak to me that way. Here I am being nice to you and you're telling me I'm being rude by telling you to shut up when I never did. I am done. Make me? Make me, David? Go find yourself another friend coz I'm done." or something to that effect. And then I turned back around. And ignored him. And I plan on ignoring him for the rest of my life. Ugh.
He just exed himself on my list.
Screw you FrickinDavid.
jaja
28 April 2009
is it selfish?
my sister is getting married. supposedly, it was for march 2010. but since she's so "excited" to get married, she insisted on having it sooner. so now, it was pushed for november of this year. four whole months early.
my mom and her family is moving to california at the end of may. that's pretty much the main reason why i got an apartment in the first place. they're moving because my mom can't pay for the mortgage anymore. my mom can't pay for the mortgage anymore because my stepdad decided to quit his job because he was treated unfairly when he requested for an emergency leave. YOU don't quit YOUR job because you were treated unfairly, because YOU have three mouths to feed, my mom just gave birth, AND you have mortgages, property taxes, and bills to pay.
i got into this huge mess some time in february. now i'm in big trouble. like, unimaginable deep shit. and because of this, i don't have a job. i have an apartment, utility bills, school, a lawyer, a car, and a cellphone. i don't have a job because i was fired. i was fired because of the stpupid thing that happened with stupid people that i thought were my friends. now, i have to pay my rent, my bills, tuition fees, lawyer fees, car payments, insurances, cellphone bill. and unless i have a friend with a trustfund and can throw at least 10 grand, i'm royally screwed.
a month ago, my grandma (my mom's mother) was hospitalized. now she has to do two dialysis sessions a week. and she keeps going back and forth in the hospital. now my mom has to send her at least $200 a week for her treatments.
oh, and did i mention my sister's getting married?
so now, my mom can't help me because she's the only provider in her family, her mother's sick, they have to go to the philippines, move to california AND help my sister with her wedding. and then there's me, her embarrassment of a daughter.
my sister can't help me because she's getting married, she has bills to pay, a luxury car to maintain, travel between her and matthew, and her shopping here and there. and then there's me, her embarrassment of a sister.
my other relatives can't help me because they have their hands full with helping my dad. and their other finances too. and the fact that i've come so close to cutting ties with them. and then there's me, their embarrassment of a cousin/niece/granddaughter.
my boyfriend can't help me because his hours were cut back, he's been applying for a CNA job, he doesn't have a lot of personal training clients, and he's already spent WAY too much money on me that i feel like i'm getting expensive for him and i don't want to do that to him because it's not fair for him because i'm not his burden (i shouldn't be anybody's burden), and he already helps me out with little stuff here and there like food, and gas, and emotional support that i just can't ask him for anything more. and then there's me, his embarrassment and failure of a girlfriend.
none of my friends can help me because they don't know what's going on. a.) i just can't tell anyone because it's embarrassing and i don't want them to lose respect for me. b.) i am not their burden or responsibility. c.) i'm not really supposed to tell anyone. and then there's me, they don't really know it, but i'm an embarrassment of a friend/leader/role model.
how did my life become such a failure? greed and mistrust of so-called friends. i let myself believe that there is "magic", that there is a quick solution to problems. and now, i have become the failure that i have always tried to avoid. i wish i can undo these mistakes, but it's too late. and no one can help me. however soft or loud my cries for help go, no one can help me. i want to turn my life around, to improve my life. but i can't. before i improve it, i have to go through this shit and fucked up life that is mine.
just shoot me now please.
jaja
my mom and her family is moving to california at the end of may. that's pretty much the main reason why i got an apartment in the first place. they're moving because my mom can't pay for the mortgage anymore. my mom can't pay for the mortgage anymore because my stepdad decided to quit his job because he was treated unfairly when he requested for an emergency leave. YOU don't quit YOUR job because you were treated unfairly, because YOU have three mouths to feed, my mom just gave birth, AND you have mortgages, property taxes, and bills to pay.
i got into this huge mess some time in february. now i'm in big trouble. like, unimaginable deep shit. and because of this, i don't have a job. i have an apartment, utility bills, school, a lawyer, a car, and a cellphone. i don't have a job because i was fired. i was fired because of the stpupid thing that happened with stupid people that i thought were my friends. now, i have to pay my rent, my bills, tuition fees, lawyer fees, car payments, insurances, cellphone bill. and unless i have a friend with a trustfund and can throw at least 10 grand, i'm royally screwed.
a month ago, my grandma (my mom's mother) was hospitalized. now she has to do two dialysis sessions a week. and she keeps going back and forth in the hospital. now my mom has to send her at least $200 a week for her treatments.
oh, and did i mention my sister's getting married?
so now, my mom can't help me because she's the only provider in her family, her mother's sick, they have to go to the philippines, move to california AND help my sister with her wedding. and then there's me, her embarrassment of a daughter.
my sister can't help me because she's getting married, she has bills to pay, a luxury car to maintain, travel between her and matthew, and her shopping here and there. and then there's me, her embarrassment of a sister.
my other relatives can't help me because they have their hands full with helping my dad. and their other finances too. and the fact that i've come so close to cutting ties with them. and then there's me, their embarrassment of a cousin/niece/granddaughter.
my boyfriend can't help me because his hours were cut back, he's been applying for a CNA job, he doesn't have a lot of personal training clients, and he's already spent WAY too much money on me that i feel like i'm getting expensive for him and i don't want to do that to him because it's not fair for him because i'm not his burden (i shouldn't be anybody's burden), and he already helps me out with little stuff here and there like food, and gas, and emotional support that i just can't ask him for anything more. and then there's me, his embarrassment and failure of a girlfriend.
none of my friends can help me because they don't know what's going on. a.) i just can't tell anyone because it's embarrassing and i don't want them to lose respect for me. b.) i am not their burden or responsibility. c.) i'm not really supposed to tell anyone. and then there's me, they don't really know it, but i'm an embarrassment of a friend/leader/role model.
how did my life become such a failure? greed and mistrust of so-called friends. i let myself believe that there is "magic", that there is a quick solution to problems. and now, i have become the failure that i have always tried to avoid. i wish i can undo these mistakes, but it's too late. and no one can help me. however soft or loud my cries for help go, no one can help me. i want to turn my life around, to improve my life. but i can't. before i improve it, i have to go through this shit and fucked up life that is mine.
just shoot me now please.
jaja
tuesday
hmm.. it's only 11.51a and here's what's happened so far..
jaja
- i woke up way too early [read: before 8] and i decided to get ready for the day, even though i don't have anything BIG planned. ugh.
- after going through all that stuff, i decided i need not rush. so.. i went to finish my book.
- and off i go to school.. with nothing to do. so now i'm selling shirts. as usual.
- and i got 2 weeks free gym time from fitness 19. YAY-YUH! well, it's actually 2 1-week ones. so yeah. and hopefully i win the one month free gym time >> for being danny's girlfriend. HAHA!!
jaja
27 April 2009
Recently, I’ve been having this feeling that my brain is getting duller. I don’t know. Like, school is just not doing it for me anymore. I mean, I love going to school. For the most part, being surrounded by people and learning. But learning inside a classroom? No. Learning about life? Yes. I don’t want to learn how to dissect a frog, or to point out where the medulla oblongata is. I don’t want to differentiate mission from vision to core values. I don’t want to dive 5,205 by 243.4 and subtract that from 54 raised to 3. The answer is 157402.62 by the way. Although those things can be interesting, I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. I know people who are younger than me who already graduated college, who already have careers. I know people who are the same age as me who finished school, have their careers, have their houses, even families. But I’m Janis, I’m 24 and I’m still a nobody.
“I know who I am and what I can do. But I don’t know where to go.” This thought came across my mind when I went to a leadership symposium a couple of weeks ago. And I can say that “It sucks, man!”
So I’m thinking, what do people who don’t go to school do to sharpen their minds again? (Mind you, it sucks that my drive to get an associate’s degree, let alone a bachelor’s, has dwindled down a bit and I need to refocus and get back on track.)
So I’ve decided to feed my brain. I mean there will always be –ugh, my window’s open and there’s a motorcycle revving down the street for the past ten minutes and it’s annoying me!—arts and crafts to keep me sane. And there will always be school (because society AND family dictates that I go through). And there will always be intellectual conversations. But I need something else. Something new. Something to challenge my brain and sharpen my dulling mind.
You know that thing about shampoos? Apparently, you’re supposed to change your brand of shampoo every two weeks. Or at the very least alternate shampoo brands every two weeks. They said that your hair gets used to that one brand that its effect on your hair will not be as much. So you use another brand. And then you switch. Blah, blah, blah.
So with this whole feeding my brain thing. I’ve decided on reading more books, and watching more foreign films. I’m doing it. For the year of 2009 I will have read a lot of books and seen a lot of foreign movies that I will be smarter. Or at the very least, keep my brain from getting duller.
Here's my Reading List for the week:
(All from Meg Cabot)
Boy Meets Girl
Size 12 Is Not Fat
She Went All The Way?
Here's My Movie List for the week:
Slumdog Millionaire [check]
Cinema Paradiso
Off Side
Volver
Quinceanera
La Dolce Vita
jaja
“I know who I am and what I can do. But I don’t know where to go.” This thought came across my mind when I went to a leadership symposium a couple of weeks ago. And I can say that “It sucks, man!”
So I’m thinking, what do people who don’t go to school do to sharpen their minds again? (Mind you, it sucks that my drive to get an associate’s degree, let alone a bachelor’s, has dwindled down a bit and I need to refocus and get back on track.)
So I’ve decided to feed my brain. I mean there will always be –ugh, my window’s open and there’s a motorcycle revving down the street for the past ten minutes and it’s annoying me!—arts and crafts to keep me sane. And there will always be school (because society AND family dictates that I go through). And there will always be intellectual conversations. But I need something else. Something new. Something to challenge my brain and sharpen my dulling mind.
You know that thing about shampoos? Apparently, you’re supposed to change your brand of shampoo every two weeks. Or at the very least alternate shampoo brands every two weeks. They said that your hair gets used to that one brand that its effect on your hair will not be as much. So you use another brand. And then you switch. Blah, blah, blah.
So with this whole feeding my brain thing. I’ve decided on reading more books, and watching more foreign films. I’m doing it. For the year of 2009 I will have read a lot of books and seen a lot of foreign movies that I will be smarter. Or at the very least, keep my brain from getting duller.
Here's my Reading List for the week:
(All from Meg Cabot)
Boy Meets Girl
Size 12 Is Not Fat
She Went All The Way?
Here's My Movie List for the week:
Slumdog Millionaire [check]
Cinema Paradiso
Off Side
Volver
Quinceanera
La Dolce Vita
jaja
23 April 2009
weird....................... #2
So..
I was voted Vice President of the College Programming Board. And yet, yesterday, when we conducted our first member meeting with the new e-board, I felt like I was having an out of body experience. Why? I'm not used to being in charge of CPB. Like legally, actually in charge of the club. I'm used as the rebellious "I will stand up against you and defy you" member of the club. Now, I'm "the Establishment". I would actually HAVE to enforce the rules. Ugh.
Jaja
I was voted Vice President of the College Programming Board. And yet, yesterday, when we conducted our first member meeting with the new e-board, I felt like I was having an out of body experience. Why? I'm not used to being in charge of CPB. Like legally, actually in charge of the club. I'm used as the rebellious "I will stand up against you and defy you" member of the club. Now, I'm "the Establishment". I would actually HAVE to enforce the rules. Ugh.
Jaja
21 April 2009
weird..............
So..
CPB had a novelty event today. We just had an arcade out by the Hub. We set up a couple of TVs with Wii Games, a plasma TV for Guitar Hero World Tour, and then an air hockey table off to one side (waaayyy away from TVs). But that's not the point of my blog.
It's this..
There were a bunch of dudes by the vending machine who were standing around on a circle and they were all holding lunch trays. And then they were passing around this crumpled coffee cup by hitting it using the trays. It's kinda like hackey sack but with a crumpled coffee cup and trays instead of feet. Or knees. Or elbows. I guess they weren't limber or coordinated enough to use appendages. Not That Appendage.
And the funny thing was..
From the looks of their faces, it looked like an intense game.
*shrugs*
Oh college kids.
Jaja
CPB had a novelty event today. We just had an arcade out by the Hub. We set up a couple of TVs with Wii Games, a plasma TV for Guitar Hero World Tour, and then an air hockey table off to one side (waaayyy away from TVs). But that's not the point of my blog.
It's this..
There were a bunch of dudes by the vending machine who were standing around on a circle and they were all holding lunch trays. And then they were passing around this crumpled coffee cup by hitting it using the trays. It's kinda like hackey sack but with a crumpled coffee cup and trays instead of feet. Or knees. Or elbows. I guess they weren't limber or coordinated enough to use appendages. Not That Appendage.
And the funny thing was..
From the looks of their faces, it looked like an intense game.
*shrugs*
Oh college kids.
Jaja
20 April 2009
Movie List
So, have I ever mentioned I don’t have Internet and cable TV in my apartment? Nope? Okay, here goes: I don’t have Internet and cable TV in my apartment. Ugh. And it’s not because of an inability to pay for the bills and it was disconnected. I wish that it was, because that merely meant that I am capable of having one, but failed to be consistent. Nope, actually, I never had one to begin with. Since I moved in. So most of my “connections to the outside world” stuff happens outside my apartment: school and my mom’s house. And then on spring breaks and at times when school is closed, Panera. But a friend suggested Caribou. My reaction? Yay. Because I always feel obliged to buy more than a drink when I go to Panera.
Anyhoo, I seem to have gone sidetracked. My purpose in this rant is that since I don’t have Internet and cable TV at my apartment (and may I add I haven’t had service on my phone since a couple of days before my birthday last month, springbreak.) I have taken to watching and REwatching my DVDs. And since I haven’t bought any new DVDs in the past, oh I don’t know, a million years ago, my movies are kinda old.. not to mention I’ve seen them squillions (-thank you Rebecca Brandon nee Bloomwood) of times.
So, I’m sharing my movie list (which I’ve chosen from my “vast” DVD collection) for the week to anyone and everyone who reads my blog. And maybe, possibly, get a movie suggestion or two.
· Hollywood Homicide
· Material Girls
· Can’t Hardly Wait
· The Terminal
· Swimfan
· Almost Famous
· Matchstick Men
· Pretty In Pink
· The Forgotten
· Footloose
· Catch And Release
· Intolerable Cruelty
· Foxfire
· Mission: Impossible III
· Brokeback Mountain
· According To Spencer
· The Break-Up
· Hustle And Flow
· Charlotte’s Web
· Children Of Men
· Dane Cook: Vicious Circle
Off to eat breakfast!
Jaja
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