Quick Blog

My "home" situation has not been comfortable lately, and half the time I'm wishing I can't wait to move out. Check out my rant here.

Today is Chicago's Annual Gay Pride Parade!! And pardon my ignorance and I stand corrected for any wrong info.. but didn't NY pass same sex marriage in the last two days or something? It sure will be an even bigger party today at the parade! :)

The next few weekends are going to be really exciting!!

• Springfield day trip to visit the Lincoln Museum, and Lincoln's Tomb
• Summerfest
• Taste of Chicago
• Fourth of July
• Six Flags

Not to mention, I'm getting more hours at work! :))

For now, I should start getting ready for my busy day ahead.

Displaced.

Maybe it's just me. **shrug**

Lately, I've been feeling really out of place in my own apartment. The only place I feel the most comfortable in is my room. It really had become my sanctuary lately. I can't explain it. I just get these heavy feeling sometimes whenever I walk inside the house. Like I'm just a renter.

It's especially hard when half the time I would be constantly be made fun of. Like why I still don't have a boyfriend, or "how can you live with yourself" comments about my sex life. And according to them, I'm useless and I'm lazy. Disclaimer: Just because I don't wanna do it, doesn't mean I'm lazy.

KC: Ja, can you please bring these (milk jug and something else) downstairs?
ME:  [jokingly pushes it to the side in front of roger]
KC: Cmon.
ME; According to you, men should take out the trash. If we're going with that logic, then Roger should take it.
KC: Yeah, but that's just between me and Roger.
DEE: Then why didn't you wash the dishes? (and everyone laughs)
ME: [I just kept quiet because, if I open my mouth they're just gonna gang up on me]
KC: [takes the stuff and starts walking away] you're so lazy sometimes.

Point Number One: Did I say I didn't want to take it downstairs? No.
Point Number Two: Like I said, even if I didn't wanna do it, that doesn't mean I'm lazy. It means I didn't wanna do it.
Point Number Three: If that argument was just between her and Roger, then she shouldn't have said that guys are supposed to blah blah blah. And if that's the case, her asking me to take the garbage out.. what's that say about the relationship between me and her? She was already done with the dishes, she was holding the garbage, what's one more step? Sure, I was sitting there. But still. Her argument was invalid. FYI, half the time she has a counter-argument for everything. (wait, that doesn't even make sense)
Point Number Four: So girls are supposed to wash the dishes while the men take out the trash? What is this, 1920s? (hah, probably not accurate.. just throwing a random year out there, but you get my drift).
Point Number Five: She was walking away when she tried to call me out (pssh, by muttering under hear breath). She couldn't even say it straight to my face.

What about that one night when Kuya Quartz was cooking something and KC was cleaning up the sink? There was no rice, and Kuya Quartz asked me to cook rice. I said, I'll do it after KC's done. I heard him laughingly tell KC that I'm useless because I still have to be told to cook rice and that I didn't go right away.

How about when most of the time, KC refers to things with "my". My couch, my carpet, my dining table, my bacon, my juice, my kitchen, my my my my my. Even though it's not. I know I've never heard Kuya Quartz refer to anything "my" just because it was supposed to be a shared household anyway. So now, I made it a point that when THEY do THEIR GROCERIES and make THEIR FOOD, I wait until I'm offered before I touch any of THEIR STUFF.

I get made fun of, I get criticized for the way I live my life, call out names,  laugh at me and how I handle things. Pssh, I know that they think my life is a joke in general. I feel it with the way they treat me. But why am I still friends with them? I don't know. Maybe because when you're family, you accept the people the way they are. You respect the fact that they are who they are. Which is something I wish they'd be towards me.

For now I guess I'll just suck it up. They're supposedly my friends, right? Maybe things will get better.

But like I said.. maybe it's just me. **shrugh*

Married To The Job.

Every morning I have to call a porter to put the mail outside in the mailbox. My boy crush was the one who answered the page for me.

him: why do you always look so mad?
me: coz you make me so mad!
him: I make you mad?? you make me mad!! you keep paging me!
me: it's my job to page you guys, and it's your job to answer!
him: but god, you page all the time.. you're soooo needy!
me: not THAT needy!
him: yeah, you are.. it's like i'm married to you!

hahahaha. that totally set the bar for my day.

One Really Violent Blog Rant.

You know what pisses me off..? Fuckers.

Options

Looking back, I know I was given a lot of options. But those options that I made were the reasons why I am where I am right now. I believe I made bad choices, but can I really say I'm in a bad place in my life because of those bad choices? Regardless of whether my choices are bad or not, am I a bad person?

These thoughts are pretty deep and random on a Thursday morning. But I can't help it. That's actually the closest I've been able to put my thoughts into words. I get days where I feel like I've hit rock bottom, but on other days I feel like I'm stuck in a middle ground and I feel like I'm watching my life in somebody else's eyes. I know, I know, these all sound weird and all. But I'm in one of those moods.

Situation 1: I had an argument with my friend (to which I'd rather not go into detail). I had two options, tell her what I was thinking, or tell her nothing. Since I have the tendency to run my mouth a little and saying what I think/feel, I chose to do so and she got mad at me. Had I chosen to shut my mouth would she had gotten mad? My policy with my thoughts and words is that just because you didn't say it, doesn't mean you weren't thinking it. Because of what happened, I decided to vent a little to my other friend. Lo and behold, the next day I was accused of talking about people behind their back.. swear words included. I had two options, didn't I? Open up and vent what I feel because I trusted that person, or shut my mouth. I chose to open up because I felt that that person could be trusted. But I guess not. (..and people don't know why I have trust issues, sheesh.) In this case, I couldn't win.

Situation 2: Last week, I went to Chicago on three different days. Knowing that I had an outstanding bill to pay for, and the money I have to work with is on the low side, I still decided to spend it. Two of those days were supposed to be free trips to the museum. The third was a shopping trip planned months ago. I had choices right? Suck it up and don't spend money on the free days, pay the bill, and save for the shopping trip. That or spend the money, and hope for the best something good happens along the way. Well, in my eagerness to please and fit in, I just went with what everyone wanted to do. Hey, it made for an awesome good time in Chicago so who's complaining right? Definitely not me. But shopping trip came, and I was broke as hell and I ended up spending my money to the very last penny. Well, I had three dollars left. Haha. And yet, I wasn't quite satisfied with what I've purchase. Mainly because I had to settle. I'd find something I really, really like but opt for something QUITE like it for a way cheaper price. I waited three months for this shopping trip to settle?! But there you go again, another fork in the road. Settle or don't settle.

Situation 3: 75% of the time, I'm like a miserable lovesick puppy in dire need of love and attention. I miss having someone special, I miss holding hands with someone, movie dates, cuddling, sweet nothing, yada yada frickin' yada. But when I get the opportunity to "give someone a chance", I shut down faster than an expensive jewelry store's security system. What's wrong with me? I get these kind of options sometimes, and what do I do? I hit the ground running. That's messed up yo.

Situation 4: I was offered a position (a new position created and I was offered it!!) by a higher up at work, and I thought it's my lucky break. But it was an epic fail as my manager wouldn't give me up because "we have too many things to do. That really broke my heart. Here I thought I was getting awesome at what I do, but I guess I wasn't good enough because I felt like I wasn't deserving of that position. I could seriously, honestly, forreal say that I was heartbroken. And trust me, I know NOW how being heartbroken feels like. I was so devastated, I was actually going "what's the point" at work. I was sad, and I lost my motivation to be the best at what I do because what's the point? It doesn't matter if the owner of the company wanted me to be administrative anything. As long as I am needed in my department, I will never move up. I had I choice, I know deep in my heart I had a choice: talk to my manager and tell her exactly how badly I need this new position. It's the big break I've been waiting for. It will help me improve my life. But instead, I chose to shut it so as not to sever any ties with her. She's awesome and all, I know she'll give me good recommendations. So I just decided to suck it up. Grin and bear it.

Actually, I could go on and on and on. But my head hurts from all these rollercoaster feelings I'm unraveling right now. So maybe next time.

Conclusion: trust issues, abandonment issues, low self esteem.. what else?

Wanted: Best Friend

So I had an "atercation" with a friend a couple of weeks back which confirmed my "theory" that I really don't have a bestfriend. NBD.

Anyway, after that. I really tried to control my tongue. When things offend me, bother me, when there's something happy I wanna share, I "TRY" to hold back. What's the point? I have close friends, but I don't have a bestfriend. Well, as far as I feel anyway.

But yeah. NBFD.

God Works In Mysterious Ways

First question: Is it REALLY a part of growing up and being mature to "get over" things that bother you? Do we REALLY have to?

The saying goes, "Forgive and forget." Some would argue that they can forgive but they will never forget. I agree with those some people  because how will you learn your lesson when you forget, right? And while I agree, I think it's suffice to say that I'm actually part of what I think is a very small community of people that would rather forget that forgive.

And sadly enough, I can say I'm very good at that: dodging issues, not wanting to talk about it, ignoring people and things. Yeah, I'm a real masterpiece.

Anyway, enough about my wondering thoughts. Here's my story:

I had to go through an insufferable day yesterday for my friend's paintball party. He and whatsherface had decided they wanted to join my friends, and be part of my life for that day. I had asked God to give me the strength and the patience to deal with them and my storm clouds of emotions for that day. With my game face on (read: shades to cover up my eyes and iPod to tune out the rest of the world), I set out to fulfill my friendly duties for the day. As I was experiencing the constant feeling of that rollercoaster drops, anticipation, stress, and unwanted memories flooding back in.. not to mention suppressed anger boiling and ready to explode, God worked His mysterious way for me. He and whatsherface took a wrong turn along time way (read: let's not confirm that we got the right address and set off into day, shall we?) and ended up in Indiana. (FYI: the Illinois-Indiana-Kentucky-Tennessee-Georgia-Florida route is of very deep and special importance to me. Dipping in Indiana.. not good. Hahaha!!)

I'm thinking he probably got frustrated finding out he ended up in the wrong part of town, seeing as I know he misses the wolfpack (I miss the wolfpack too!! But I guess, we can't always get what we want huh? :[  ). I'm thinking he tried to make do with what he has and made a day of it, not letting it end on a sour not. FYI, if that was me, we'd have been in the right place in a heartbeat. Oh well, that's makes both of us S.O.L then. Again with the sad face :[.

Anyway, the ladies and I powwowed and we pretty much covered that God rewarded me for AT LEAST TRYING to be the bigger person in the situation. Roger wanted his friend for his party, and he shall get it, regardless of the fact that it was supposedly a private party and all.

I'm just really thankful that regardless of the emotional stress I went through that day, I was able to enjoy that day with my adopted family and my friends without any gatecrashers. And hey, don't get me wrong, regardless of what he did to me, he is welcome just because whether I'm angry at him or not, he still resides in my heart together with all my friends that are special to me. He will always a spot, I guarantee it. But that's where I draw the line.

But for now, I'm just gonna have to settle with what I have. Because, from what I've seen so far, God has wonderful plans for me. What that is, I have yet to find out. =/

Dazed and Confused.... and Emotionally Tired.

Yesterday was Roger's paintball party. Days before the said event, all I could do was ask God for strength that I may survived the day, because there will be guests that I prefer not seeing.. because. On the day of, I woke up with a queasy stomach and a broken heart. I'm sorry, but I relive That Day everytime something reminds me of him, and I relive it like it's a nightmare.So much so that I dream about it to. Ugh. And I thought I'm closer to being done with this scenario.

Anyway, I just decided to go to the paintball party because I want to test my patience, I wanna find out how strong I really am. So with the little patience and strength I had, I went with my game face on. Read: stoic face, shades to cover up my eyes so I can roll my eyes and no one will see (haha!), and my iPod to tune out the rest of the world.

I eventually decided I'm not going to play. a.) no money, and I'm kinda tired of everyone spotting for me, b.)I'm so angry about the situation that I probably will lose self-control when I'm teammates with them and if I'm up against them, I'd just look past them, even if they're trying to shoot at me. But more like B, because if you know me, I have anger management issues, and the paintball field is not the place for my rage.

So I just volunteered to run the charcoal grill (man, I'm awesome!!), which was a fun task in itself. I ran around taking videos, pictures, cooking.. I pretty much kept myself occupied "for when the time comes". But then I had to leave at three to drive Roger's cousin home in time for his mandatory graduation dinner. On the way back, I started to "daydream" on the one hour trip back to the paintball field. The two hour window I was gone from the field would've been the perfect time for them to show up, play and leave.

And not to be mean or anything, because I TOTALLY did not see it coming at all, I just felt really relieved, to my surprise and amusement, they ended up going to the wrong place.. all the way in Indiana!! I mean, I feel bad for him and all.. had to do all the driving for nothing. I bet, he was really psyched to go. I can just imagine. But I'm sure he made something out of that trip.

But anyway, after we all left the field to go home, we stopped by the gas station and the girls powwowed. All I could say (since I'm still bewildered and all) was that God must really REALLY love me for me to deserve such a day. All I asked was for God to give me the patience and strength to get through the day, regardless of the misery and stress it could put me through. I was given a rollercoaster of emotions that day.. whenever I'd see a car pull up the parking lot, whenever I'd see two people walking towards our directions, I'd tense up and start having trouble breathing. I just don't want to be in that position anymore. The pain, the hurt, the stress, all the bad feelings and memories rushing in and drowning me.. an emotional slap in the face. I just can't. People may see me strong.. but I'm just a hard-ass trying to cover my emotional struggle. Hah, and I think I'm really good at it. Anyway, reeling it back in (haha!), in a weird twist of fate, they did not make an appearance. And although it almost didn't really benefit me since I was gone, it almost seemed not a big of a deal if ever they showed up. I've already been through the stress early on that day, trying to anticipate their arrival. But like what I've always tried to say.... I must have done something right. I told Dee about my "God loves me" theory and Dee pretty much said that I got rewarded for at least TRYING to be the bigger person in the situation. And I believe her. Granted I was just gonna ignore them anyway.. but at least I TRIED to suffer through my pain in silence in order for Roger to hang out with his friends, regardless of who they were inviting since you know, it was a private party and all. I tried and I went through the motions, and God threw me a little bone. :))

INXS: Since it was an emotional rollercoaster for me that day.. and in true Jaja fashion, can you guess what happened???? I had a dream about him. UGH. Whenever something gave an impact to my day, for whatever reason, I dream about it. All the time. Before, him and I would always talk about this one girl (good or bad conversation, whatever..), that same night, I'd dream about her. Random, weird situations. But whatever. So yeah, I had a dream about him. It was a pretty long and detailed dream (not THAT kind of dream, you perv haha!).. and it was a feel-good kind of dream, that when I woke up, I think it threw my progress back by a year FRICKIN'A!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm back to the sick to the pit of my stomach, hyperventilating, nauseous, fidgety, can't concentrate state of mind. I hate myself! It's like, I care so much about everything and EVERYONE that once it gets under my skin it's there. People that are special to me in one way or another, takes residence in my heart for such a very long time that anything and everything affects me.... because I care so much. I should really just stop caring. It's going to be the death of me.

In A Nutshell (Again)

The last two months have been quite a rollercoaster ride, it's seriously not even funny. It was as much fun as it was stressfull, and I am emotionally, physically, and mentally drained. Let's see if I can recap what the big blur has been about. (Although, if you follow me on twitter, I'm sure you're pretty much updated to when I last ate..)

• 04.12.11 - Dee, Nadienne, and I went on our girldate to Texas de Brazil. I got a buy one dinner, get one dinner free coupon for my birthday. It was fun, free food is epecially more fun! :)
• 04.16.11 - I registered for a Realy for Life team and I'm a captain this year!! I'm kinda nervous, but I'm excited as well. This is my sixth year rockin' Relay for Life, and my first time being a captain. But thanks to my friend Maria, who helping me out, I hope we raise a decent amount of money!
• 04.22.11 - This day was Earth Day and of course, Dee and I, dealhounds that we are, drove around to score some freebies. Score number 1: Starbucks free coffee when you bring your own mug in.Score number 2:  Disney Store gave out recycled totes when you bring in five plastic shopping bag.
• 04.29.11 - KC and I stayed up from midnight to about 7 am watching The Royal Wedding! Hahaha! I'm sure we're not the only crazy ones who did, and it was fun. And then we pretty much slept all afternoon..ish. And then I went to see Fast Five with Dee, Kuya Owen, Melissa, and Bryan.
• And of course, here are there are a bunch of random shopping trips, food trips, and colorful conversations with wonderful people. :)

This Is Real Life

Almost two years later and.... it's still real life. All it took was one stupid song to bring me back to October 29, 2009. I'm done. I am soooo done with this feeling, this emotion, this pain already. Someone sedate me. In the wise words of Sammie Sweetheart, "I AM DONE".

I've gone through the motions already. I've engulfed myself in boycrushes, I've shopped myself penniless. I've gone on adventures, tried new things, epitomized a different me, made new friends, went to new places, EVERYTHING. At the end of it all, it only takes ONE THING to break me down.

My friend Robb is right. I told Robb that I'm sick and tired of people telling me I should let go, move on, whatever. I tell these people I can't force myself to do something like that. I'm a person that for one thing is overly dramatic.. but I feel A LOT of things, I take a lot of things to heart, it's hard for me to forgive much less forget. I'm just gonna let it happen. Robb said, it's gonna happen when it will, I should just work towards that goal, because if I just suppress it then it will erupt when I least expect it.

I met this one guy at the beginning of the year through my friend Andrea. Looking back, I can see I was just infatuatued, but whatever. In my head, I liked him so much that it was actually enough for me to let go of some of the physical memories in my room. All boxed out and ready to go. Except for one. The red teddy bear. It was his first gift to me, for our first month together and for valentine's day. After that ugly day, everytime I'd cry about us, I just get the bear and hug it for comfort. But like a junkie trying to kick it, when these certain kind of tears would fall lately, all I do is stare at the bear from the top of my book shelf, resisting the urge to grab it and let it comfort me. Anyway, going back to guy at the beginning of the year.... I don't think I feel anything for him anymore. Hah, that lasted I think a month, but whatever. All I know is I was thankful I met him and liked him enough to let go a little. After that, I thought I'd be okay.

I even started listening to music again. Love songs even. Granted I still won't touch Ne-Yo with a ten-foot pole, but whatever. I've actually found that I can drift away from the real world just by listening to music. So that's an improvement.

Even watching love stories, wedding shows, all that crap. Andrea got me in a short wedding craze. I even tried to design my own engagement ring online. Hah. THAT I can tell you, is a HUGE improvement for me.

But whatever.... because apparently, none of all these "progress" matters. Because at the end of it all, the person that broke me, and cut me out of his life because he blamed me that his relationship was getting sour, and gave up on me? He still ended up turning my world upside down. Almost two fucking years later, and I'm stilll that girl.

So tell me, anybody, please tell me. How is it fair that he cut me out of his life like that but he can go as he please to my friend roger's paintball party this Saturday? And I'm supposed to be the bigger person?? When he even had the AUDACITY to not invite any of supposedly OUR friends to his birthday celebration and he got invited to all of theirs???? Not one friend got an invitation. Granted no one would've been able to make it coz another person already planned their celebration first, but still. This person got invited to the barbecue two weekends ago and all he can come up with is "I don't know what I'm doing let me see, and I'll let you know?". Oh how about, "Hey I wanna take you out to lunch coz my other buddy blew me off."

But of course, Roger's all "Hey, I'mma be a bigger person and invite him even though he didn't invite me." Good for you Roger, good for you.

So he said he's cutting me out of His Circle (pretty much until further notice), but he can come and go as he please in MY CIRCLE TOO???? No wait, he probably thinks this is his circle too.

Bottomline is that I could never hate him, he gave me the best memories, but with those memories came pain and tears which were also my worst memories. He will always be that guy to me. The guy I met who was in crutches, smiling. The cocky guy who made everyone smile in school. He will always be that guy. The one who was the other half of our unbeatable team, my partner in crime. He will always be my little sisters' big brother. He will always be the boy my mom loved, regardless of whether we went out or not. I don't hate him, I'm just really, really, REALLY angry.