I thought I was going to be okay. I thought I can crawl back in my happy place and be strong. But I guess no one told me it’s going to take time. I literally cannot breathe right now, coz it hurts too much.
“But you’re Danny and Janis!”
“I know.”
22 November 2009
21 November 2009
i am.
i'm tired of having to defend myself and having to protect myself. i'm tired of giving people the benefit of the doubt and end up screwing me over for their own personal gain and benefit. i'm tired.
i'm tired of being a pushover. and giving my trust to people who don't need it. and letting people in without questioning their motives. if i need to, the wall is coming back up. it's the only way to protect the rest of my broken self. if i'm going to rebuild myself, i'm going to need sturdier nails, stronger foundations, more reliable helpers. none of this artificial and superficial shiznits.
i'm going back to the beginning. back before i became damaged. back when i can stand on my own two feet, back when my stubbornness was my drive for success, back when i didn't give a feck to what other people think, and back when i saw my future and anyone who crosses me and me dreams get crossed a thousand times.
i'm going back to the stronger, and better jaja.
likable.
untouchable.
intimidating.
individual.
independent.
crazysexycool.
and i hope my old happy song helps me remember what i've lost.
"Unwritten"
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, oh, oh
I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, yeah, yeah
For you, my bestfriend.
If friends came with a price tag, I wouldn't be able to afford someone like you. I thank God we got the chance to cross paths and become the best of friends. If happiness truly outweighs the pain, then I believe we can get past this mountain. I dedicate this song to you, because I want you to know that as you have become my pillar of strength, it is now my turn to return the favor.
This is my favorite quote on friendship: A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
We may have forgotten the words, but it's in there somewhere.
LEAN ON ME
Sometime in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise we know that there's
Always tomorrow
Lean on me when you're not strong and
I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
Please swallow your pride if I have things
You need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
that you won't let show
Just call on me brother when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on
Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long till 'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
Just call on me brother when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on
If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road, I'll share your load
if you just call me
Just call me when you need a friend
Just call me when you need a friend..
Irony
Wanna know something really ironic? For days and days, i had put off writing my 100th blog because I wanted to save it for something special. Something that's worth celebrating the turn of the century (so to speak). So when I found the perfect thing to write about, I'm like "Go, go, go!" Hence, I wrote about my indefatigable patience and unconditional love for my dude and his stress with nursing school. I wrote about my promise to be a better, more loving, more understanding, and definitely more patient and supportive girlfriend. I wrote about how I would miss our sweetnothingness and whatnot, and yet every minute I will have will him will be amazing. Because I love him, and that's all there is to it.
Oh, the irony of life, I tell you.
How ironic is it that the next blog I'm writing is about my broken heart, as he had broken up with me. It's been three weeks since it happened, and while others tell me to move on and get over it, I can't. You can't have loved a person and had a hard time getting over and then tell another person suffering the same fate to just let it go. Everyone deserves the right to wallow, to bask in the pain, to drown in their sorrow. Everyone's bound to come up for air sometime, right?
I'm slowly coming up for air, but I can't promise I won't sink again. But right now, I've come to be at peace with myself. And be at peace with him. We have an understanding that in time, we will be friends. And I'm counting on that day. Because even though I know I will always love him, I know that I will always want to be his bestfriend more than anything.
Some people try to get in the way. All this time, just waiting in the shadows, lurking. Waiting for the right time to pounce. What a shame. Where's the dignity, people?
Danny and I had a story. I was a girl inside the house, and he was the boy on the ledge. And there were three vandals who are trying to ruin my fence.. or ledge. Whatever. That's how our story started. Funny how, this might be how it's going to end.
Opportunists. I have always believed in the goodness of man. People are not born evil. But I guess, along the way some things happen and they become bad. Is experience an excuse to go bad? I have issues, I have baggage. And I am damaged good. "Dark and Twisty", like Meredith in Grey's Anatomy, who doesn't think she deserves the good things in life, that misery is company. Yes, I am damaged good. But I never aspired for perfection. Try as I may to get as close as possible, I know I will never be. At least I tried. And I am the biggest pushover, ever. I let people get the best of me. I trust, I let them in. I play by the rules. But it seems that I am the only one who follows the rules. I guess, I am the posterchild for "Good girls finish last." I can't help it. I am a traditionalist when it comes to relationships. I may not be the most religious in the lot, but I am born and raised Catholic in a traditional and conservative Filipino culture. I believe in love, in unconditional love. I believe in trust, and doing good things. I don't believe in "All's fair in love and war." I don't believe in "Free for all unless you're already married." I don't believe in kissing or doing IT outside the umbrellas of relationships. I think that kissing and holding hands in itself is sacred. I don't believe in flirting. I believe in love. In it's purest and most powerful essence. And yet opportunists are everywhere and they take advantage of my goodness.
I love my Danny. Forever. I pray that time is on my side. I will wait. I will love unconditionally. And I will do all these without having to step on people's toes. I will do all these without being deceitful, dishonest, treacherous, vengeful. I will give him my love in it's purest and most powerful essence. Because I love him.
JD.DE.011207.
Oh, the irony of life, I tell you.
How ironic is it that the next blog I'm writing is about my broken heart, as he had broken up with me. It's been three weeks since it happened, and while others tell me to move on and get over it, I can't. You can't have loved a person and had a hard time getting over and then tell another person suffering the same fate to just let it go. Everyone deserves the right to wallow, to bask in the pain, to drown in their sorrow. Everyone's bound to come up for air sometime, right?
I'm slowly coming up for air, but I can't promise I won't sink again. But right now, I've come to be at peace with myself. And be at peace with him. We have an understanding that in time, we will be friends. And I'm counting on that day. Because even though I know I will always love him, I know that I will always want to be his bestfriend more than anything.
Some people try to get in the way. All this time, just waiting in the shadows, lurking. Waiting for the right time to pounce. What a shame. Where's the dignity, people?
Danny and I had a story. I was a girl inside the house, and he was the boy on the ledge. And there were three vandals who are trying to ruin my fence.. or ledge. Whatever. That's how our story started. Funny how, this might be how it's going to end.
Opportunists. I have always believed in the goodness of man. People are not born evil. But I guess, along the way some things happen and they become bad. Is experience an excuse to go bad? I have issues, I have baggage. And I am damaged good. "Dark and Twisty", like Meredith in Grey's Anatomy, who doesn't think she deserves the good things in life, that misery is company. Yes, I am damaged good. But I never aspired for perfection. Try as I may to get as close as possible, I know I will never be. At least I tried. And I am the biggest pushover, ever. I let people get the best of me. I trust, I let them in. I play by the rules. But it seems that I am the only one who follows the rules. I guess, I am the posterchild for "Good girls finish last." I can't help it. I am a traditionalist when it comes to relationships. I may not be the most religious in the lot, but I am born and raised Catholic in a traditional and conservative Filipino culture. I believe in love, in unconditional love. I believe in trust, and doing good things. I don't believe in "All's fair in love and war." I don't believe in "Free for all unless you're already married." I don't believe in kissing or doing IT outside the umbrellas of relationships. I think that kissing and holding hands in itself is sacred. I don't believe in flirting. I believe in love. In it's purest and most powerful essence. And yet opportunists are everywhere and they take advantage of my goodness.
I love my Danny. Forever. I pray that time is on my side. I will wait. I will love unconditionally. And I will do all these without having to step on people's toes. I will do all these without being deceitful, dishonest, treacherous, vengeful. I will give him my love in it's purest and most powerful essence. Because I love him.
JD.DE.011207.
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