so....uh.... where did my blog go?

11/365 do you think crying is a sign of weakness or strength?

i don't think crying is a sign of weakness. people say crying means that you are strong enough to let whatever that hurts or bothers you go, that maybe crying is a strength because you are strong enough to admit that you can be weak sometimes. for me, crying means that there are things that bother me but it hurts so much that there are no other words to express how it means to me. unless of course you're a crybaby.

10/365 what can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?

a year ago, i would not have had this much patience when it comes to children. other people's children, other children that i know, my own siblings. i would not have tolerated all the whining and rowdiness, mess, and everything in between

9/365

i'm really conservative and shy when it comes to my attitude towards romantic relationships. i was raised in a conservative roman catholic family. i believe that men should be the ones to pursue women. not only should they be pursue, i think that women should be courted and wooed. don't get me wrong, i may have some feministic tendencies at the same time, i believe in equality and fairness between the two sexes. but romantically speaking, i'm all for being wooed, you know?

8/365

i love my sisters, and i love my family. and it took me a while to really appreciate them. so now that i'm back to being close to them, i am trying to be a good daughter and i'm trying to be a good person, someone that my sisters can be proud of and that they'll look up to.

7/365 do you ask enough questions or do you settle for what you know?

i've been told i ask a lot of questions. haha. but when i can sense that the other party don't want to divulge anymore, or i know that they're bullshitting me, or they're straight up lying, i stop. don't need to waste my time with that.

6/365 what do you wish you spent more time doing five years ago?

i know we're not suppose to regret the things we've done, but i have to admit there are quite a few things i regret doing. five years ago, i wish that i focused more on school, improving my skills, and being a better me, instead of partying, hanging out with friends, and spending money.

5/365 what life lesson did you learn the hard way?

there's not just one lesson that i learned the hard way. but something pretty recent happened to me that up until now, what i did still gives me a guilt trip.. and it still shames me everytime i think about it. i i became really close friends with this person, but i became selfish and all i did was take and take in the relationship. after all the harsh words that's been said, i was "forgiven". but i can still hear the disappointment in his voice and in the tone of his letter, that i am just so ashamed of how i acted. all i wanted was a best friend, and because all i can think about is myself, i now have none.

4/365 what gets you excited about life?

the idea of travelling. i have not done a lot of travelling in my life, and i really would wanna start soon. but whenever i hear stories, see pictures, watch movies of travelling and roadtrips and adventures, i get really excited. i get to experience somebody else's life while hoping someday i do the same.

3/365 what's the most sensible thing you've ever heard someone say?

i've received a lot of solicited and unsolicited advice over the years. but the one that would come back to haunt me constantly, are probably the 4 simplest words i'll ever hear: "it's okay. who cares."  it's given me a lot of confidence, whenever i'm reminded of these words. i've slowly stopped being self-conscious of my actions and my thoughts about myself. 

2/365 who do you sometimes compare yourself to?

let's face it, everyone has their insecurities, some show it more than others. sometimes, i compare myself to a lot of people. i compare myself to my friends and wish i am where they are now. here and there, i compare myself to my ex boyfriend, because who doesn't want to come out on the winning end of a break-up, right? i compare myself to people my age to gauge how good or bad the things i've done with and in my life. i compare myself to my sister, because we went through the same things in our childhood and yet our lives have become so different and apart. and lastly, i compare my present self to my past self, because who i am now, is not who my past self have wanted me to be. i guess this means i am my own worst enemy.

1/365 when was the last time you tried something new?

sometime in march, before i made my big move from illinois to california, i got my first tattoo! it's a script of the words "defy gravity" on my right wrist. i've always wanted to get a tattoo, but i knew i had to think long and hard about it, like what it would mean to me, what's the significance of when and why i'm getting one. i've had such a good life in illinois that i knew that at the back of my mind, it's not the right thing to move. but here i am now, just crossing my fingers and trying to "defy gravity".

More Dreams

So I had another dream last night. This was actually extra weird, but I kinda like it. Haha. Since I don't remember most of it anymore, all I know is that I'm going out with John Dorian (not Zach Braff, but John Dorian), and we went on a vacation somewhere and the gas stove randomly switched on and an evil spirit was trying to burn the house down while we're in it. Then we all tried to rush home, so we jumped in the car and drove off. But the evil spirit would make a car appear in front of us and we'd rear-end the car. Some other things happened in between, but that's pretty much the end of it. Maybe too much Scrubs? Haha

Reinvent

Every now and then, I'm faced with a blogging dilemma. To reformat my blog or not. I guess it has a little bit something to do with my attention span. I always want to blog about something specific, to gain more audience, but I somehow end up personalizing most of my blogs. And I feel stronger about more personal entries more than anything. But then again, sometimes I feel that being too personal on my blogs might be too much. Too much information, too much of an overshare, and it might come back and haunt me in the future. So I don't know, I really don't. I gotta think about it some more.

Dream On

I've been waking up really tired the last few days, if that even makes sense. I've been having really tiring dreams. Usually it involves running and chasing, well, being chased. 

I need to keep a notebook next to me so I can write down my dreams. I don't have recurring dreams. But I have recurring themes. Like, I'd run or fly or jump a certain way with a certain feeling. And now that I think about it, half the time I'm usually being chased. The other times, I'm meeting "a love of my life" and there's never a face.

Well anyway, since I woke up barely 10 minutes ago, I figure I'd try to decode my dream.

My dream is already starting to get skewed because I spent some time trying to find the meanings of the symbolism of my dream. The story, basically, is that I was attending my high school reunion and I was with my friend Iciang, and I happened to look across the gymnasium and saw an old classmate Dlan. I kept pointing him out to Iciang because she couldn't see him and after a few minutes, Dlan walked up to us. Then we all went out to somewhere, I think to eat, but I'm not sure anymore. Then suddenly, I was being chased by  this big fat dirty slob man with a revolver, because I was chasing a little girl in a white girly dress. She was using a rope to scale walls and trees, while I was climbing the shit out of them. At one point I ended up in somebody's living room and the guy was still on my tail. I was circling the living room, then I saw a fluttering curtain which meant an open window. I ran to that side of the room and parted the curtain to see a window that swivels in the middle, but I still manage to slide out. The guy was still shooting at me and at this point I managed to lose the girl. I found myself in the middle of this tree farm and the bad guy had a group of 2 guys and one lady and they were chasing me. I ended up running towards the opposite way of where the girl was supposed to be.When I realized it, I started climbing trees and jumping from one to another to find her. I finally go to her then I told her to give me the rope and I tied one end on her waist and the other on mine, so I don't lose her again. The guy caught up to us but he managed to lose his revolver and I ended up catching it. First I threatened to shoot him, and when he won't stop charging at us, I aimed the gun at his fat thigh and shot him, but the revolver was empty. Then I don't know how but I found gardening scissors and I threw one to the little girl and we were trying to stab the guy.... AND THEN I WOKE UP.

Revolver 
To see a revolver in your dream symbolizes lingering danger. It also represents fear, anger, aggression, and your quick temper. You are using your power to protect yourself against the fear and anger.

Palm Tree 
To see a palm tree in your dream represents tranquility, high aspirations, fame, victory, hopes, and longevity. It also symbolizes paradise and leisure. Perhaps you need to take time for a vacation and relaxation.

Climb 

To dream that you are climbing up something (ladder, rope, etc.) signifies that you are trying to or you have overcome a great struggle. It also suggests that your goals are finally within reach. Climbing also means that you have risen to a level of prominence within the social or economic sphere.

To dream that you are climbing down something indicates that you need to acknowledge and take notice of your subconscious. You are expressing some hesitance and reservation with delving into your more negative feelings. Alternatively, it suggests that you may be feeling low or emotionally drained.

Girls 

To see a girl in your dream represents your playful, innocent, and childlike nature. Perhaps you are behaving immaturely in some situation. Alternatively, a girl represents the feminine qualities of your character.

Ropes 

To see a rope in your dream represents your connection and attachment to others. It is symbolic of what is holding your relationship together. Alternatively, a rope signifies bondage, restriction and captivity.

Chase 

To dream that you are being chased signifies that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable. It is a metaphor for some form of insecurity. In particular, to dream that you are chased by an animal represents your own unexpressed and unacknowledged anger which is being projected onto that animal. Alternatively, you may be running away from a primal urge or fear.

To dream that you are chasing someone signifies that you are attempting to overcome a difficult goal or task. You may also be expressing some aggressive feelings toward others.

Trees 

To see lush green trees in your dream symbolize new hopes, growth, desires, knowledge, and life. It also implies strength, protection and stability. You are concentrating on your own self-development and individuation.

To dream that you are climbing a tree signifies achievement of your career goals and attainment of higher positions in life. The speed at which you climb the tree will parallel the speed of your achievement of these goals.

Scissors

To dream that you are using scissors denotes decisiveness and control in your waking life. You need to get rid of something in your life. It also represents your ability to cut things or people out of your life. Perhaps you are being snippy about some situation.

To see a pair of scissors in your dream indicates that your focus is being divided into too many directions.

Curtain 

To see or dream that you are shutting the curtains signify secrecy and a repression of thoughts. You are concealing some personal matter or some aspect of yourself. On the other hand, to dream that you are opening the curtains indicates that you are ready to reveal something hidden about yourself.

Window 

To see a window in your dream signifies bright hopes, vast possibilities and insight.To dream that you are entering or exiting through a window suggests that you are involved in some secretive or underhanded activity. Alternatively, the dream means that you are creating your own opportunities. You make things happen instead of waiting for them to happen.

If you fall or are push through a window in your dream, then it means that you are unwillingly going along with a plan. Perhaps you feel pressured into doing something that you really do not want to do. Your own vision is in conflict with someone else's.

To see shut windows in your dream signify desertion and abandonment.

Living Room 

To dream that you are in the living room represents the image that you portray to others and the way which you go about your life. It is representative of your basic beliefs about yourself and who you are. Alternatively, the living room is indicative of your freedom and space. The living room is a symbolic boundary between your personal self and your public self. Objects that do not belong in the living room denote the various aspects of your life that are invading your personal space.

Reunion 

To dream that you are attending a reunion suggests that there are feelings from the past which you need to acknowledge and recognize. Or perhaps the dream is highlighting how you have already incorporated the certain aspects or qualities of the people in your dream reunion. 

Gymnasium 

To dream that you are in a gymnasium indicates that you need to apply what you learned and incorporate it into your daily life. Alternatively, the gym may be telling you that you need to get more exercise.

Of course, to me personally, this makes a whole lot of sense. The everybody else, they just got a glimpse of a part of me.. or the biggest part of me. I don't know but I'm tired.

Let's Get Personal

I just finished watching The Rebound (Catherine Zeta-Jones, Justin Bartha) and I actually like it. [SPOILER ALERT] The premise of the story is that 40 year old Sandy (Zeta-Jones), was living a perfectly normal suburban life when she caught her husband cheating so they got divorced and she and her two kids moved to the city. She met Aram (Bartha), a 25 year old barista working below her apartment. She hires him as a babysitter, he asks him out, they dated blah blah blah. Eventually things didn’t work out because of a pregnancy scare and they went to live their own lives. She went to become a sports news anchor and he traveled the world. After five years, they bumped into each other in a restaurant, and lo and behold, he’s thirty now, more mature, and they got back together. The End.

I know, I usually just post something touristy or travel-related, but I think I want to share this one.

2 Things:

• Sandy left the life she knew and went to start over and create a life for herself and her family in the city. I wish that I had the courage and the strength to do that. Granted I’m only 27 and single, no kids. But that’s just that. I’m 27 and yet I’m so scared of change and starting over. 19 years in the Philippines, 6 in Chicago, and now I’m starting over (yet again) in another place. I feel everybody is moving forward and I can’t seem to get my bearings. Just when I thought I was finally going to make it, I have to pack all my bags and move. I left a lot of baggage in Illinois. No, I didn’t fix it, I ran away from it. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel complete. Sandy had the strength to start over, even with her love life. It’s been 2 and a half years, and I’m still single. No attempt to put my self out there on my part either. After getting out of a 3 year serious relationship (also my first), I’m just too scared to start over, to trust again, to let my wall down and let people in. I actually missed having a best friend. I started having a best friend again but I’m so “messed up in the head” I actually managed to push him out of my life. But that’s a different blog, different day. So anyway, is there still a stigma to dating younger men? I mean, not that I’m looking at younger men right now. Haha. I mean, if I keep up at this pace, I’m going to end up 30+ and still single. To my friends’ amusement, they all say I’m a cougar, even though I’ve barely moved from where I was standing 2 years ago. Alone. But honestly, I’m so scared of being single and being alone, and unloved, when I get older. I have blogs, and hobbies, and all that stuff to keep me company, but to what extent though? I need to be brave, to be more adventurous, I just wish I have that inner drive that I lost somewhere along the way.
• Aram, after the break up, decided to travel the world, per Sandy’s suggestion that he’s still so young and needed to get out there. He got hired to work a corporate desk job, couldn’t live with it, and jumped on the first flight out of the country. There he went places, met people, wrote on journals, worked, volunteered, you name it. I guess you can say that he found himself, because when he came back home, we was indeed a changed man. Are there other ways to find yourself, other than travelling? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I agree. I want, with my whole heart and soul, nothing more than to get out of my room and see the world. I want to visit touristy spots, learn languages, eat local cuisine, experience culture, meet people, hike and swim and climb and run, and of course take lots of pictures. Do people really find themselves when they travel? I long for it so bad. Whenever I see movies that are travel-themed (like Eat, Pray, Love), and have travel scenes (like The Rebound), my heart swells with pride. I mean, I also get that feeling when I’m driving, even just locally. There’s just something about the world and the freedom of driving that makes me feel alive. I couldn’t cut it as a girlfriend, I couldn’t cut it as a bestfriend either. I’ve changed so many jobs in my life time. What is it about me? Can I not stay put in one place and live one life? Or will I just coast along this life? I always feel like I’m running out of time. I feel like I’m chasing something but I don’t know what it else. Most times, I feel trapped in my life. That I want to explode out of my skin. I don’t know.

I guess that’s my poorly written, poorly edited blog entry for now. Pardon my dust.

Getting By

This that are making my days more bearable:

• Knitting
• Netflix
• Books
• Sims 3
• DVR'd shows

Other than that, life is the same. Plus how do you entertain a very energetic (who thinks she's smarter than you) 4 year old kid? Help.

Changes

So I guess blogger/blogspot is overhauling their look. This does not make me happy. Only because, I opened my account to an entirely different look. I almost panicked. I get that changes will happen, but I prefer it happens one step at a time, not everything at once. I don't want to lose my posts, and I have severe loyalty issues. I've had this blog since August 2008. I don't want to let go. So I need to muster all the strength to trudge along this new change. BLAH.

Bored

This boredom is killing me. I guess now I know. One month is all I need for slacking (or a vacation?). Now I'm getting really restless and irritable. I want to make money. I want to go out and make conversations with people in my generation. I want to get out of this house because it's starting to drive me crazy. I can only clean and blog and read and watch TV for so long. Life is walking past me. Everyone is getting ahead and I'm stuck. And yes, I want to make money. Because the sooner I can do that, then the sooner I can get my own car and my own place. I need to get out of here already. Yes, one month.

Chicago

I miss Chicago.

First off, I'm saying Chicago instead of Illinois because Apparently, to the rest of the world (or the US at least), nothing exists outside of Chicago (or Springfield). So everytime, I say I'm from Illinois, people ask "Where, Chicago?" and I got tired of explaining so I just say yes.

Anyway, I miss Chicago.

I miss good cheap coffee from Dunkin Donuts.
I miss the convenience of Popeye's from down the street.
I miss having people to go out dancing with.
I miss the big beautiful city that is, aherm, Chicago.
I miss Portillo's.
I miss my job, and my super-awesome co-workers.
I miss my shoes. And my dresses. And my books. And my sewing machine. And my printer.
I miss my roommates. Our loud conversations, our stupid jokes, our meals together.
I miss my friends. Our ability to be stupid together, and be awesome together. Our inside jokes, our experiences, our stories, our intertwined lives.
I miss my adopted family. Everyone that has treated me as part of their family.
I miss Chicago.

I'm happy to be with my sisters and my mom and the rest of my family and relatives. Is sunshine good for the soul? Because in the past month (ish) that I've been here, I haven't felt sad or miserable. Well, there was that one time that my sister said something mean and it made me cry, I just didn't tell her. But other than that, I have sisters who manage to make me smile. The way they knock on my door and ask for help, or they just barge in and rummage through my closet. Or when they run straight to my room when they come home from school and they tell me what happened during the day. I love it.

I love being part of a team here. But I also love how I tried (and struggled) to live on my own there. I miss my friends so much. But I'm also happy here, right now. I wish I can have both worlds with me. But for now, I'm just mowing forward in this journey.

Tourist of Traveller?

I haven't decided which one I'm going to be, but all I know is that I'm preparing to set up and see the world. My dreams of doing a roadtrip, backpack somewhere, etc, just go out there is getting bigger and bigger. I mean, I imagine, think about, plan about my dream and my heart just swells with happiness. I've started a Trip Jar and hopefully, I save a lot of money because I want to make this come true. I've set out a timetable for myself. Some people have careers, high paying jobs, important positions. This may sound like I'm a person with no ambition, but I've decided that I'm going to get a job to get a job, and nothing else. I will work hard and save and save - and save some more - so that I can travel. I've started following blogs, reading book, and I slowly want this to work for myself. If having a boyfriend or keeping a relationship or meeting someone, or being hired, or whatever is out of my control, this one is all up to me. I will do this. I'm going to try to defy gravity this time.

Almost A Month....

It's been almost a month since I last blogged here. WAAAAY too many things have happened. This is what happened when I procrastinate blogging. All my thoughts, adventures, rants, musings, etc get all jumbled up in my head that instead of sorting it out, I just ignore it.

• I've hung out with old ECC friends and I missed them badly.
• I've celebrated my birthday a week early with one of my really close friends and I got to meet his boyfriend and I was so flattered coz he's never introduced anybody before.
• One of my good friends came home for her spring break and she helped me pack my stuff and it was such a big help, I appreciated it so much.
• I hung out one on one with a lot of people, and it's making me miss them all so much right now.
• I had one of my close friends get mad at me, to the point where I thought we were on our way to bestfriendship but I did a really shitty thing so now I'm not sure I can have what we had back.
• My adopted family threw a party for me before I left. My heart swelled with so much love for them, I had tears. Seriously.
• My last day at work was bittersweet. I, without a doubt, loved working there. 100% no bullshit. It was a relief to leave just because I feel like I deserved a vacation from my normal life. But I loved everyone there and I actually miss them.
• I miss tF. I didn't say goodbye to him and I'm so dumb. I wish I treated him more like a friend than my boss. It would've been nice to have been friends with him. -gah- I miss him.
• I spent the day in Chicago with a couple of friends and it was the most fun ever. I took tons of photos, explored parts of the city I've never seen (or only saw from afar or for a couple of minutes). I love the city and I can't wait to see it again.
• My friends and I finally got to go on our much awaited mini roadtrip to Springfield. I am such a museum nerd, it's not even funny. That was my third time going to the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Museum but it's always fun. And I got to see the Lincoln home this time too.
• My roommate/close friend KC and I had a crying session the day I left. It was the first time we've ever done that. Thinking about it makes me cry all the time. She was the only one who showed me emotions like that. Darn, I'm crying again.
• ....and then of course I left Chicago. 
• ....and I'm in LA!!!!
• The plane ride was bumpy and space was cramped. But that's Spirit Airlines for you.
• Then I got to see my mom and my four younger sisters and it made my heart happy ever since. I mean granted, they do annoy me here and there but that's me being the oldest sister of a 24, 13, 8, and 4 y/o.
• For my birthday weekend, my mom, stepdad, and 2 youngest sisters drove 8+ hours to the northern part of Cali so I can see my 24 y/o sister who's in the USAF and my relatives living in the Bay area.
• Today marks the two weeks I've been here in CA. I've taken tons of pictures, of course. Nothing big happens though since I have no car and job yet. We'd visit places here and there, we did go to Newport Beach over the weekend and that made me so happy I was practically exploding out of my skin, So I've been spending most of my time tagging my photos and blogging. I feel like I am on vacation though. Now, if I can just haul ass and start working out.

Show It, Don't Say It.

Disclaimer: Another rant blog.

I'm tired of people. They always say one thing and do another. I have friends who always hit me up to hang out, call or text me if they have stories to tell, rants to get off their chest, all that stuff.

• If they're single, once they're in a relationship, not only do I take the backseat, I feel like my friendship if out the window.
• If they're in a relationship, they wanna hang out with me, but they can't NOT hang out with the other person at the same time.

I FUCKING HATE BEING THE THIRD WHEEL.

Another thing. I had this one friend and we became really good friends real fast. Or so I FUCKING thought. He was miserable at his old job, and whenever he was at work, we'd text all day, we'd talk or videochat almost everyday. I HONESTLY thought, "hey, maybe I'm gonna have a bestfriend." Well, no fucking way. I don't know what happened but, suddenly, as soon as he's out of this miserable job and moved to another one, he doesn't talk to me anymore. I know he's talking more to another friend who got him the job. I'm not jealous, but I feel like a fucking replacement.

I told him how I felt about my fear of breaking down my wall and letting people in and building relationships (friendships and otherwise), and he made me feel that he was gonna stick around. He made me feel that I matter. (Oh god no, I'm not in love with him). When I'm with my friends, I take the backseat. But when I hang out with him, he's all "let's do what you want to do!" and made me feel that I matter, that my opinions count. And then he just disappeared.

I'M DEEPLY FUCKING HURT.

A part of me is thinking, hmm, maybe he's mad at me. Maybe he's all sulky that I'm moving to California, when he made a valid argument on why I should stay. A little teeny tiny part of me thought that maybe he wanted me to stay because he wants to keep our friendship around, close by, not from the other side of the country. It's nice to feel wanted, you know? But maybe I Just imagined it.

I'M NOT A REPLACEMENT FRIEND, OKAY?

On that note....

Until recently, I was questioning my decision to give in and move to California. I would miss all these friends that I have here. Friends that I don't have the courage to call when I feel rotten inside because I feel like I'm invading in their privacy and personal life. At least, when I'm in Cali, even when I feel sad and alone, there's a reason: 'coz I don't have any friends there at all.

And then I have these friends who are all flabbergasted after finding out that I'm moving. They're all "OMG I'm gonna miss you so much!!" But A.)before finding out, they're life was moving perfectly along without including me, and B.)they're making all these fake plans to hang out One Last Time before I leave. Oh and C.)They say they're gonna miss me but does not show signs of seeing one one last time. I'm hurt because.. well, just because, but then I feel numb.

I'VE REACHED THE POINT OF NUMBNESS. I'M NOW DEAD INSIDE.

What sucks too is that I also have friends who made plans to hang out with me before I leave, and then suddenly I'm making arrangements around their significant others' schedule. Not to be selfish or anything, but I thought it was for you and me. and you & them and me. I mean, granted, I have one friend do just that and I actually feel flattered because he's never introduced a significant other to me before, but the others? Ugh. No. I wanna hang out with you, my friend. Not you while you hold your partner's hand and sneak kisses while I'm not looking.

I'm sorry, and I hate to say this because lord knows how much I love you guys, but if I can't get my friends to at least pretend that i'm a significant part of their lives (as they are to mine), then even if it kills me, I'd rather just stay at home and knit while I await the days of my departure.

Loneliness is more painful than dying.

Come Find Me

I don't know what is happening to me. I've been feeling really hopeless lately. I feel empty and alone and lonely and unhappy. I can't find any more words to express how I feel. The last time this happened to me, I cried practically every night for two weeks just right before Thanksgiving. What happened to me?? It sounds so cliche, and I'm pretty sure people won't take me seriously, but sometimes I'd imagine how I'd die. Sometimes I'd imagine how it'd feel if I just drove straight to oncoming traffic. Or falling down a flight of stairs. Or falling over a balcony. Maybe cancer. I'd imagine having a slow death, or maybe instantaneous. I'd imagine how my friends would react. Would it be better for them for me to die slowly or quick? It's just that I know that when I die, all these people will "be sad" or "mourn" and go to my wake and pay respects, say all this wonderful lovely things about me. How I'm an awesome person, funny, such a good friend, all that bullshit. But what about now? When I'm dying on the inside from loneliness, sadness, when I'm going crazy trying to hold back from crying my eyes out, and yet also going crazy when I bawl. Where will all these people be? When I'm at this point when I feel empty and depressed and alone, I want somebody to be next to me, someone who'll just rub my back, give me hugs, hand me the kleenex, while I let myself go and cry. But who will be strong enough and brave enough to be there for me? Who will be willing to come find me and tell me that even though not everything is going to be okay, that's it's okay, because I have a friend who won't let anything bad happen to me. You know, I have all these people right? But when I look back, when I hypothetically look behind me, I'm alone. I'm soooo tired of feeling like this. I'm so tired of crying and feeling empty and feeling all these emotions. And then put on a fake smile when I walk out of my room. I wanna run away. I wanna run away from here, from this room, be anywhere else but here. I wanna run away from myself. I wanna be anybody but me. Because what I am right now is pathetic. No one understands what I'm going through, what I'm feeling, or me. Why do people not know? Because I've heard it all before. Everything's going to be okay. God has plans for you. It will work itself out. You'll be okay. You'll be fine. Don't worry about it. Other people have it worse. The funny thing is, and this too shall sound so cliche, but I do have suicidal thoughts. But I'm too much of a coward to go through with it. Not for anything other than it's painful. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that if I were to get into an accident, I won't even fight to survive it. I know I'm messed up in the head. But I'm just so fucking tired.

♥ i am ♥: Mood Swing

♥ i am ♥: Mood Swing: Okay, something's wrong with me. Not that I doubted that before. Anyway, I was watching this Disney movie online and then my mom called and ...

Mood Swing

Okay, something's wrong with me. Not that I doubted that before. Anyway, I was watching this Disney movie online and then my mom called and I didn't answer because I knew why she was calling and I just ignored it and then I just started crying. And now, I fell on one of my mood swings again. I haven't talked to my mom in at least a couple of weeks, and I miss her. And I miss my sisters. And my mom's stories about my sisters. But I' just can't bring myself to talk to her. I don't want to tell her that I stopped trying already. There's this thing that's gonna happen in a couple of weeks or so that is totally going to make or break me. And my mom has been trying her best working hard to help me, and me? I just stopped trying altogether. Who wants to see their daughter give up? Not my mom. I'm her oldest, and I know she'll do everything in her power to take care of me. I'm 27 fucking years old and i still have my mom to protect and take care of me. I can't tell my mom i stopped trying, and that i gave up already. i just can't. i miss her so much.

Happy New Year!!

Oh wow. This is my first blog for 2012, and I guess that's okay even if the month's halfway over. But even though it's only been a couple of weeks (oh, 3), life's been quite eventful.

• My batchmates and I are having our highschool reunion this year!! :) I can't wait, and I'm crossing my fingers that I can definitely make it! I miss these guys like crazy!
• I signed up at Ravelry, a crocheting/knitting site (that won't give me SPAM!!!!), and I'm ALSO crossing my fingers that I'll get to improve my skills.
• The first day of the year I got to spend it with amazing people. So that should be a sign for a good year right?? *crossfingers*
• Work is stressful right now. Actually life is. I'm doing the same thing everyday. I need something to spice up my life. How about a new hot boyfriend with an English accent who would cater to my needs and whims? :)
• My online life is as busy as ever. I make it sound glamorous, to lessen the intensity of the fact that my online hours are greater than my outside social life hours. I'm kind of like a loser, but with amazing dresses and shoes. :)

..actually, that's it for now coz I gotta get ready. My friend's picking me up, and uh, we're going to Joanne Fabrics.