my sister is getting married. supposedly, it was for march 2010. but since she's so "excited" to get married, she insisted on having it sooner. so now, it was pushed for november of this year. four whole months early.
my mom and her family is moving to california at the end of may. that's pretty much the main reason why i got an apartment in the first place. they're moving because my mom can't pay for the mortgage anymore. my mom can't pay for the mortgage anymore because my stepdad decided to quit his job because he was treated unfairly when he requested for an emergency leave. YOU don't quit YOUR job because you were treated unfairly, because YOU have three mouths to feed, my mom just gave birth, AND you have mortgages, property taxes, and bills to pay.
i got into this huge mess some time in february. now i'm in big trouble. like, unimaginable deep shit. and because of this, i don't have a job. i have an apartment, utility bills, school, a lawyer, a car, and a cellphone. i don't have a job because i was fired. i was fired because of the stpupid thing that happened with stupid people that i thought were my friends. now, i have to pay my rent, my bills, tuition fees, lawyer fees, car payments, insurances, cellphone bill. and unless i have a friend with a trustfund and can throw at least 10 grand, i'm royally screwed.
a month ago, my grandma (my mom's mother) was hospitalized. now she has to do two dialysis sessions a week. and she keeps going back and forth in the hospital. now my mom has to send her at least $200 a week for her treatments.
oh, and did i mention my sister's getting married?
so now, my mom can't help me because she's the only provider in her family, her mother's sick, they have to go to the philippines, move to california AND help my sister with her wedding. and then there's me, her embarrassment of a daughter.
my sister can't help me because she's getting married, she has bills to pay, a luxury car to maintain, travel between her and matthew, and her shopping here and there. and then there's me, her embarrassment of a sister.
my other relatives can't help me because they have their hands full with helping my dad. and their other finances too. and the fact that i've come so close to cutting ties with them. and then there's me, their embarrassment of a cousin/niece/granddaughter.
my boyfriend can't help me because his hours were cut back, he's been applying for a CNA job, he doesn't have a lot of personal training clients, and he's already spent WAY too much money on me that i feel like i'm getting expensive for him and i don't want to do that to him because it's not fair for him because i'm not his burden (i shouldn't be anybody's burden), and he already helps me out with little stuff here and there like food, and gas, and emotional support that i just can't ask him for anything more. and then there's me, his embarrassment and failure of a girlfriend.
none of my friends can help me because they don't know what's going on. a.) i just can't tell anyone because it's embarrassing and i don't want them to lose respect for me. b.) i am not their burden or responsibility. c.) i'm not really supposed to tell anyone. and then there's me, they don't really know it, but i'm an embarrassment of a friend/leader/role model.
how did my life become such a failure? greed and mistrust of so-called friends. i let myself believe that there is "magic", that there is a quick solution to problems. and now, i have become the failure that i have always tried to avoid. i wish i can undo these mistakes, but it's too late. and no one can help me. however soft or loud my cries for help go, no one can help me. i want to turn my life around, to improve my life. but i can't. before i improve it, i have to go through this shit and fucked up life that is mine.
just shoot me now please.
jaja
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