One Last Hurrah.

    Tomorrow is my last chance to redeem what little time I have left for the rest of the year. One day. One last day of redemption. This is my to-do list for tomorrow:

..write a year-end blog
..catch up on uploading my albums
..get around to making my "barkada"  gifts
..get my resolutions together
..do some #reverb10s
..make a 2011 bucketlist
..organize my 365s.
..aside from stopping by at work and going to the mall with kc of course.
..sign off on 2010 and welcome 2011 with open arms and a huge smile.

Surprise Surprise

    Some things still never fail to surprise me. Can I get this life over and done with? It's too.. surprising to speak of it out loud.

#reverb10

I am a coward.


I have a friend who is currently participating on a #reverb10 project. If you don't know what it is, screw that, look it up yourself. But anyway, I looked into it and I really want to participate. But did I mention I'm a coward? Looking at the prompts, I know I'm going to have to "dig deep" seeing as it seems like it's going to be emotionally tedious.

For the past year, I have learned (and have apparently become really good at) skimming on the surface of emotion. I'm not sure if I want to go through that exploration and bravery and shiznits. But the new year is around the corner and I want to try and leave baggage behind.

It's not even a question of "Should I do it?" It's more of.. can I?

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Jaja and I'm a coward.

Things To Do.

I haven't been my usual Miss Things-to-Do-List lately. But I do need a major overhaul. With the new year coming up, I need to declutter my life. One project I wanna start though is this #reverb10 I've been seeing at my friend's blog/tweets. I was curious so I looked it up. I'll MAYBE start tomorrow. I'm kinda sleepy already. :D

Now Watching:

Now Watching:

Now Watching:

Now Watching:

Now Watching:

..because happy is what happens when all your dreams come true

    The last few days (weeks even) have been a rollercoaster of events and emotions. A few rocked my world (more in a bad way so), but it did not deter my heart from swelling with happiness.
    I have not been happy in a while (more like the past year), but out of nowhere, I would find myself smiling allowing myself to feel happiness. Don't get me wrong, and I'm sorry that this sounds so negative, but I'm still in that point where I'm too scared to allow myself to be happy (and that stupid wall is still up, anyway). But anyway, it's almsot 1am and I don't feel the need to write paragraphs. I'm just going to start rambling random words and phrases.

Thing That Made Me Happy In The Past Few Days
..chasing after the Flirty Cupcakes blue van
..trying Molly's cupcakes two weeks in a row
..dimsum adventures with Diana
..JuRin!!
..watching movie after movie after movie after movie
..food!!
..watching my tv shows in hulu
..reconnecting with my knitting and crocheting hobby
..learning how to make rice krispy treats
..vicariously living the young love scene through people i know
..pretend birthday at JuRin
..Rocky Horror Picture Show with the ladies
..deb's halloween birthday party
..dressing up as a Snooki/Ke$ha/JWoWW crossover
..Bethany's musical in Rosaty High School
..talking to my sisters
..Diana's family making me feel like I'm part of their family
..going to the best candy store in the world
..Danny passing his NCLEX
..Maria getting engaged
..Michelle getting engaged
..Reizl's birthday
..trying to make the effort to go to church
..talking to boycrushes
..random Chicago trips
..talking to old friends
..meeting new people
..getting my care package from California from the Philippines from my sister

..and that's just from stuff I can remember. I can't wait for more good times to come!! :D

Ex-Social Butterfly

    I miss being surrounded by a lot of people. I miss being around a huge group of friends. I miss house parties, clubbing, crazy nights, drunken nights. I miss going out on a random night with a group of people. I miss meeting new people and making new friends. I miss planned and random adventures. I miss how everyone is just a phone call away. I miss hanging out with different cliques and groups of people doing different things on different days. I miss having to budget my time so I can hang out with ALL my friends. I miss being able to go places and finding people to go with me. I miss walking into a party and knowing everyone, and everyone knowing me. I miss being life of a party. I miss being a social butterfly.

Bah Humbug.

      Due to the not-to-recent series of unfortunate events, I've come to dread and hate holidays. It's hard to stay be positive, but I guess I did put myself in that situation.

    So the holidays can just suck it. Starting with the stupid Sweetest Day (made up holiday, bah humbug.), weirdly enough ends with Valentine's Day.

    Until then, sayonara bish.

Whoa.

    So I was reading The Last Olympian and I dozed off (I woke up waaay too early.) And out of nowhere floods of memories from before October 29, 2009 flashed before me that I woke up with a jolt and just started crying and crying and crying and crying. I was so taken aback that I'm shocked where that came from. Prior to reading the book, prior to dozing off, prior to today, anything. Nothing triggered that experience. Well, granted I've had a couple of dreams that make me really irritated when I woke up.. there was really nothing. Nothing in my head, nothing. Not even when he came over and had drinks at the apartment. Not even when we chatted the last time. UGH. NOTHING.
    It was so strong, so surreal, so.. I can't explain it. Three years worth of happy memories came flooding back to me and I'm reduced to having the feelings I had after That Day that I don't know what to do. It's so weird, and I'm hating this. Suddenly, I remember every feeling, every word, every sensation I felt the last few days, weeks, that I was with him. Prior to That Day, I remember everything like it happened yesterday.
    What's going on? Because I don't need this. I want my good days back. I've been wishing for my good days back. But not in this way. My broken heart stirs at the bottom of my stomach. Again.

Sometimes, I Think I'm Done.

    Sometimes, I think I need help. Not even talking to a good friend can help me. I need help. I get so depressed sometimes that I honestly really do have suicidal thoughts. And no, I'm not being emo or overly dramatic or anything. Most of the time, I get so depressed that I just want to give up. But a part of me thinks that if I give up, all the help that people have given me will be useless. But how long will I have to live for other people? When will I live for myself?
    I'm very alone, I'm very lonely. But I'm also very, very good at hiding these emotions and these tears. All I have to do is insert a smile here, quote an inspirational quote there, blog happy thoughts and then people will just leave me alone. I'm soooo tired of crying. Crying at night, crying whenever I see a happy family, a happy couple, a happy person. I'm not happy. My mom doesn't think I can do better that what I already have right now. My sister thinks I'm incapable of having a life as good as what the air force has given her. Apparently, since my life is a living shithole, I'm not even allowed to have fun with other people. I guess people like me really don't deserve to be happy. The person that I love gave me up too. Everyone around me is happy. I know other people have problems too. But I'm alone, I'm lonely, and people just don't understand how depressed I get sometimes. I just want to give up. But I'm so scared as to what's going to happen.
    How many times do I cry at night because something made me sad?  As much as I love my job, I have a crappy job. As much as I love my friends, everyone's coupled up that it's make me feel shittier that I already am. Everywhere I look, people have a reason to live. I hate the crappiness of my job, I hate not having a family, I hate not having someone to love, I hate not being loved, I hate the holidays, I hate that I'm not in school, I hate that I'm poor, I hate that no matter how much I scream for help my hands are empty.
    I'm tired. I'm soooo fucking tired. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of being lonely, I'm tired of being useless, I'm tired of all this shit.
    When something bad happens to me, I always think, "hey, at least I'm still alive." But what if being dead is easier?
    I'm soooo done.

GNO!!

Chinatown Romp

  

In A Glee State of Mind

• Sunshine’s Filipino accent was so thick it cracked me up. Not in a making-fun-of-you way.. more of the i-cant-believe-i-sound-like-that way.
• Rachel is way too skinny in this season. Her knees were very.. bony. And of course, there’s her cheeks,  and her collarbone. I’m not sure about the bangs either. She still looks pretty anyway. Just different. I hope she doesn’t fall down the anorexic celebrity path.
• Kurt and Mercedes are glamazons as usual. I think their characters are the one that actually stayed consistent.
• Santana and Britany (sp?) are getting bigger and bigger, I mean role-wise. I love Brit’s dancing. And I have a girl crush on Santana. Plus I love her name. I think they should build storylines for them.
• I’m not so sure about Quinn. I think she’s really pretty but.. *shrug*.
• XOMG. Sam’s mouth?? I can’t stop looking at it. Not in a lustful way but in a Magic Eye kind of way. He reminded me of a REALLY blond John Mayer when he donned on the guitar.
• Artie-Tina-Mike. I can’t blame Tina for going after what she wanted. I mean, the lady wants to dance for chrissakes. And I’m not being judgmental against hadicapables, I’m just saying. Dancing Asians, how racist. Haha! Just kidding.

    I honestly don’t think the premiere of Glee was all that (sheesh, sorry). Aside from tying up loose ends, I didn’t see a BANG-BOOM we’re back episode. They literally just picked up where they left off. Meh. And is it just me or the song numbers were not that BANG-BOOM either? Well, the Empire State of Mind was my favorite performance. I did like Charice’s solo, haha, but then again maybe I’m biased? Haha.
    I guess I’ll just have to let it unfold. I’ll go watch the preview for the next episode but.. I hate having expectations.
    Oh crap! I forgot about Puck.

• Puck was oh-so-hot as ever. But really, no highschooler looks like that.. or any of them for that matter. Haha!

    One last thing, Sunshine was so short it would’ve been hilarious if they’ve given her the bottom locker. XP
Peace, Love, and Cupcakes,
Jaja

God Bless The Broken Road.

    So, yeah. I'm a sucker for love. I'm an incurable hopeless romantic. It's 4:10 in the morning and I can't sleep and I am now blogging, while (trying but not successfully) holding back tears.

    I couldn't sleep so I decided to catch up on my Psych episodes. The episode "One, Maybe Two Ways Out" made me cry. Not so much as the concept of the episode. More like the Juliet-Shawn romance.

    All throughout the whole series, Shawn has always had a special spot for Juliet. He's always loved her but she's always been.. unattainable, unreachable. They were never in the same page. This episode was not that different. Talk about tension man.

    Anyway, in this particular episode, Shawn was opening up to Gus about his feelings for Juliet. He wants her to be happy, but he wants to be happy too. And he can't just be happy without Jules. That the whole time he had this "connection" with the spy lady, all he could think of was Jules. The whole time they were talking, Shawn must've forgotten that he was wired and that Jules was in the surveillance van listening. Everything clicked for Juliet and she realized that she did have this strong feelings for Shawn all along. At the end of the episode, Shawn was telling Jules to have fun on her vacation with her "boyfriend" because that's what you should do when you're on vacation.. enjoy it with someone that makes you happy. While Shawn was rambling on and on, Jules couldn't hold back anymore and she leaned in to give Shawn a long passionate kiss. Then of course, "boyfriend" showed up and there it is.

    Did I mention I'm a sucker for such things? I've been in love. Once. And I went on trips and vacations and adventure with the person that made me laugh. Did it do me any good? I hope so. But I had my heart broken, and at times I think that all those good times are nothing compared to the pain that I went through. I lost bestfriend, which was the biggest deal of all. But do I give up and say, "Oh, Janis. Let it go. Don't ever love again. It doesn't exist. It's just an unreachable idea. You can be as close to it as possible, but you'll never really get there."
    I have to admit.. sometimes I get to thinking that maybe people only get one chance. I got mine, adios, peace out. But I'm too scared to think that I will die without loving and being loved in return. I'd have notions that I should just give up trying to look for love because the first time it happened? I was in deep sh** that I thought I can never pick up the pieces. Right now, I'm walking around with the pieces in my pocket. I've slowly let people make me smile again. I want someone who will accept me for who I am, broken pieces and all. Maybe, they'll even have the patience to put me back together.
    I know God has something big for me. I just know it.

Something's Gotta Give.

    Blame Twitter.

   
    Have it not been for the easy-access all-day pass of microblogging in Twitter, I'd have been updating my personal blog more. Well, that and Tumblr. Anyway, I really really REALLY need to vent and rant and let some emotions pass. I have not had a heart-to-heart- entry with my blog in forever!!

    Anyway, you know that feeling when you've been having all good things and you're riding on a natural high and you're unstoppable.. and yet at the back of your mind, you know it's too good to be true that something's gotta give?
   
    I feel that ALL the time. But the most recent one have been these past few weeks.

    I've been having a blast with my life, partying and going out and having fun and experience fun, new and cool stuff. It's the calm before the storm.

    Going to Chicago, and wine bars, and JB. Watching dance concerts, chef demonstrations, having Jersey Shore marathons. Late night trips and clubbing and birthdays. Cute boys, and crushes, and more crushes. All happy stuff that made me catch myself smiling and surprising myself that I can smile a little bit more again.

    But noooooooooooo. This thing called Life? It screws you over big time. I've had a blast this weekend, as with other weekends.. and all the while, anticipating the storm. And of course, I saw the storm. And like a stupid, coward, weak person.. I cracked. And then there were pieces.

Yes Ma'am.

  All “recently” and “not-so-recently” single girls (and boys, I guess) need to have that one single friend (of the same sex) who will be their yes man. As “recently” and “not-so-recently” single girls (and boys” will want to escape their reality for a little bit, or even do something that is unconventional for them so they can get away.

    Yes, we all need a yes man. I guess you could equate that to a wingman but wingpeople help you get game. Yes People are game to any adventure and is readily available when you need them. They support you, and help you take your mind of things. You might say “That’s what bestfriends are for.” Well, I beg to differ. Sometimes, having known someone for a long time is a drag to have as a yes man. They know you very well, morality issues ensue.. and spontaneity, adventure and the exploration of the unknown goes out the window.

    Yes people are the fuck buddies of relationships. You share fun time together, but you don’t have to worry about holding their hands and tiptoeing around their emotions. There is no deep, emotional commitment involved.

    A yes man should have little to no inhibitions, have an awesome sense of adventure, can differentiate right from wrong YET justify the wrongness of an action to be committed so as not to make you feel bad, and will not let you go home with a douche.

    A yes man should also have, at the very least, a sense of responsibility to look out for your well being and not get distracted and pry his/her attention away from you. Otherwise, you’re going home with a douche.

    Yes people are not used in a demeaning manner. In fact, they should be regarded with so much appreciation for being readily available to meet your temporary needs. I am proud to say that I have a yes man. And I will readily be a yes man to a friend (or semi friend) in need.

    The world will be a better place if everyone has a yes man.

Day 18: The Person That You Wish You Could Be

Dear J.,

    Hey, it’s me again. Sorry if I keep coming back to my old self. I’m just being really nostalgic. Reminiscent of the days when you didn’t have a care in the world, when the only thing you knew how to be was you. The days when there were no labels. You were not single, a girlfriend, an ex-girlfriend. You were just you.

    I don’t ever wish for you to be a different person. I look at the person staring at me in the mirror every day and I see every scar, every pain, every teardrop, smile, every heartbreak and suffering, every sadness and happiness and achievement and success and it looks beautiful.

    I only wish for you to rekindle the fire inside of you that most people envied and liked about you.

I am who I am and I like it.

Growing Up and Growing Old,
Jaja

Day 17: Someone From Your Childhood

Dear L.,

    Hi bestfriend!! You’ve been my bestfriend back home since we were in first grade. I’m so glad we rode the same bus. We’ve had our share of drifting apart when we were growing up but I guess true friendship brings people back in spite of life. I wish we talked more. With all the technology nowadays, not to mention the endless arrays of online activities and forms of communication. We need to catch up big time!! yay for 20 years of being friends!!

Bus 22 and Pancit Canton,
Jaja

Day 16: Someone That’s Not In Your State/Country

Dear H.,

    Technically, you live here. But your little Indian punk ass decided to go chase a girl who lives in the Philippines!! Although I give you a hard time about being careful because you might get kidnapped, I actually commend you man.

    You’ve known this girl for two weeks, spent a quality memorable and happy one week with her before she went back home. You took charge of your life and you made this summer your best summer ever.

    Just between you and me (..and the rest of the Tumblworld), I think it’s very exciting and romantic. I’m an incurable hopeless romantic. And even though our others friends straight out gave you a hard time, I am soooo happy for you. If this do not end up the way you wanted it to, at least you had one heck adventure of a lifetime, right? Not everyone can say that. Your American born Indian punk ass is frollicking in the polluted and congested city of Manila.. my playground, my hometown. I’ve never been more jealous!! Haha!!

    I hope you are indeed having the time of your life. I can’t wait for you to come back and tell all your stories.. Don’t forget to buy me something!

From USA to the P.I.,
Jaja

Day 15: The Person You Miss The Most

 Dear Jaja,

   You used to be so ambitious. And stubborn. And driven. And just plain stubborn. What happened to you? So what if you’ve been through a lot in the past five years. Remember who you were back home? When you were so carefree and outgoing and living the attitude of a rockstar? I miss that. Remember when you were a stranger in a strange land that is called United States of America? You we re a blank slate, an empty canvass.. and you painted your life as you see fit. I miss that.

    I miss the Rockstar Jaja. Please come back.

Crazy, Sexy, Cool,
Jaja

Day 14: Someone You’ve Drifted Away From

Dear K.,

    I miss being bestfriends with you. I wish things were different.


Dear T.,

    I don’t really know what happened. First, we were having a blast riding to school together. Then, you became one of the popular kids, being in the school’s honor society. Suddenly, I found myself giving you rides. I’m glad we’re trying to be friends again though.


Dear G.,
    I’m sorry I drifted away like that. I couldn’t stand seeing my two guy friends being estranged because of you.


Dear D.,

    I’ll always have your back. I promise.


Friends and Bestfriends Adrift,
Jaja

Day 13: Someone You Wish Could Forgive You

Dear Papa,

   I know I’m not the daughter you wished you had. I didn’t go into nursing, I didn’t exactly follow your rules. I gave you stress all the time. And on top of that, I have not spoken a word to you in the last five years. You worked hard for me and my sister, and now that I’m have a life better than what I had in back home, I pushed you away. I hope it’s not too late. I’m sorry.

Your firstborn,
Jaja

Day 12: The Person You Hate Most/Caused You A Lot Of Pain

[disclaimer]
    People I hate and people that caused me pain are two different groups. Yes, people.. and yes, groups. My mantra these past couple of weeks (which I plan to keep) is "Out of sight, out of mind." To rephrase that, denial stage. but I don't care. I'm on a natural high right now and I want it to stay that way. I am not bringing negative feelings out. I fail the exercise. Be it. This is me being a coward. =/

Day 11: A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk To

Dear N.,

    Hey big guy, how’s heaven? I miss you, man! I miss our random late night SteakNShale adventures in pjs and chucks, our random late night eggroll cravings to chinatown, when you bother me and make me laugh at the same time. Once in a while, you cross my mind when something good happens to me.. I can only see that as you’re the one who made it happen. Like that one time when I tweeted and wrote on my FB status that i want to have a good day and smile today.. THEE THINGS made me smile that day, and then when I was recalling them in my head that night, you crossed my mind. For sure that was you, right?

    You left a lot of people here on earth, Nick. You were such a good guy. Did I realize that too late? Maybe. We didn’t even become good friends until the beginning of the summer. You managed to cheer me up and distract me when I was going through a hard time with my breakup. You listened and related to me and you let me talk your ear off.

    I miss you and I wish soooo badly you’re still around, so we can go to Chicago one more time, and go to JB’s one more time, and gp bug the server at SteakNShake one more time (Braulio’s the name right?)
    But you’re in a better place now. No suffering, that’s fasho. God wanted you home early, but you knew what that meant. Your purpose here on earth is done. You’ve done what God intended for you to do and you had to go home. I know you’re taking care of me and all the other important people in your life. How else could I have been having such an awesome time with awesome people these past few weeks.

    It’s hasn’t even been two months, Nick. But you’re already doing your job as our guardian angel. :D

Eggrolls and iPods,
Jaja

Day 10: Someone You Don’t Talk To As Much As You’d Like To

Dear R.,

    Hoy Panget (Hey Ugly)!!!!

    What’s going on with you?? I haven’t seen you or heard from you since April, and before that.. January. And before that.. MONTHS!!

    I know we drifted apart and such, but we were such good friends. Dammit, we were bestfriends!! Actually, we were soulmates, remembers? :D WE became friends four-ish years ago and in that span of time, you’ve had four boyfriends and I’ve had one. And you always disappear when you’re in a relationship.. it makes me sad. =( <- see?

    And I hate the fact that you’re so faaaar away. I mean, I still love you and all but Woodstock? Maaaan, I’m too broke to even drive to work! Haha!! Every once in a while, we catch up. But I sometimes wish we can be bestfriends again. You and I are the only ones who understand you and me. All our little mischief and random adventures. Remember when we drove to Chicago after you offered to take my “new car” for it’s first car wash?? Haha!! We both didn’t know how to drive to Chicago back then and we bought a map, spent 20dollars on parking, and chilled at the North Avenue Beach for exactly 20 minutes because it was too cold.. and then went home?? Well, we had all the money and none of the bills back then.

    I miss you soooo much and all the troubles we get into and long phone calls. I wish we can go back to being the best of friends, and I know it’s selfish of me, but I wish  you’re not that busy all the time so we can hang out.

Abuuuu!! (I love youuuu)
Jaja

Day 8: Someone You Wish You Could Meet

Dear Mark Salling,

    Hi! (giggle, giggle)

    Others would have wanted to meet politicians, legends, blah blah blah. I just want to meet you. I think you’re really cute AND have talent. And you’re tall. And you’ve got edge. I think that as far as guys go, that’s pretty much substance.

    If I do end up meeting you (crosses fingers and wish wish wish), can we play some video games at the arcade and come home to my apartment and play board games?? Haha, I’m not kidding. I’ll even make you some Filipino food.

    Anyway, lest I start sounding like a highschool girl, I’ll cut my letter short. Oh and BTW, in the wildest dreams that I do end up meeting you in person, I don’t want a meet and greet fan-based meeting. Just two awesome kids hanging out. :D

    Good luck in your career and God bless you!

Giggles and Blushes,
Jaja

Dear 8: Your Favorite Internet Friend

Dear K.,

    I guess the internet has some unexplainably useful reason for existing. I’m glad we’re friends, you’re cool. I like the fact that you’re very.. participative, internet-wise. Haha! Honestly, when I first met you, I thought you were snobby. Haha, sorry. =/

    It took (I’d say..) two years later to become friends, and I guess that’s cool. I like being friends with interesting people. People who are different from me, ‘coz I like learning new stuff. Plus you’re cool and laid back, so that’s chill. XD.

    INXS: I love your blog, and I’ll see you in two weeks!! (Oh, well.. your dance comes first..!)

Karaokes, Bowlings, and Blogs,
Jaja

Day 7: Your Ex/Love/Crush

Dear D.,

    I was broken, and yet you took me in. My bestfriend, my love. You delicately took the control out of my hands and showed me how to let life unfold in front of my eyes. Three years later, away from your lovely eyes, I am broken again. Ten months have past, and I’m still picking up the pieces. But I’ve learned to smile every time I pick up each piece, each memory, each lesson.

   Out of sight, out of mind. Red ink for keeps.

T.O.D.
Jaja

Day 6: A Stranger

Dear Tiny Filipino Greeter Lady at Meijer,

    I like it whenever I go to Meijer and you’re working. You are so cheerful, exaggerated at times, but cheerful. I wonder how many hours a day you work, because I could not keep up with a Good morning Ma’am/Sir, Thank you Ma’am/Sir, and Have a nice day Ma’am/Sir aaaall day long. I find it interesting how you manage to individually run up and greet EACH and EVERY person that walks in AND out of that place. Sometimes, if you miss one, you half-chase them to greet them. I think that’s kinda creepy-ish. But I don’t mind as much, it makes me feel special. Hehe.

    Are you getting paid per person that you greet? Are you being watched? Is that why you have to greet each of your loyal Meijer customers?

    I’ll let you in a little secret.. YOU are the only one that does that. Well, there’s this one old guy one time that would hand out a cart. But you, madam, are the only one who stands there and does her friggin’ job.

    I commend you. You always have a smile on your face. The others just stand there., oftentimes getting in the way when I’m trying to pull a cart out of the corral. Thank you for always putting a smile on your face, and saying hi and bye to me whenever I leave the store.. even if you’re practically chasing me out in the parking lot. :D

Smiles and More Smiles,
Jaja

Day 5: Your Dreams

Dear Event Planner/Organization Developer/Photographer/Writer/Published Author/Traveler/City Dweller/Home Owner/Degree Holder/Paid Blogger/Wifey/Mommy/Bad-Ass Career Woman Skinny Me,

    First of all, if I haven't mentioned any other dream, I apologize.

    Secondly, I want to apologize, too, for pushing back my dreams a bit. You see, there's a minor set back in my life right now. But don't fret, It's been starting to all tie together, and everything is starting to fall into place. Just be a little bit more patient for me, that's all I ask.

     Don't worry about me. I'm getting there. We're all getting there. I want you to remember that the fire of desire and drive burning in me is still there. I will fight to become the person that I want to be, I will make it happen.

    So sit tight, relax, and enjoy the ride.. because pretty soon, we're gonna be living the bad-ass life.

Success and Happiness,
Jaja

Day 4: Your Sibling (or Closest Relative)

Dear P,

    Remember when we were younger and it was just the two of us? No half brothers or half sisters? That was fun, wasn’t it? :D I mean granted we fought a lot (I guess we still do.. haha!), but the world was just the two of us. They always told us, “Why do you two keep fighting? It’s just you two you know? When you’re all grown up, you guys will have to take care of each other. You’re lucky you got each other, some kids don’t even have brothers or sisters.” Blah. Haha!

    We had to share toys, and clothes, and shoes, and friends, and school, and attention. I know you don’t remember, but when you were a baby you’d be in your walker and I would sit on the tabletop of your walker and slide across the room, with you on it. Haha! Or how about that time when we were in elementary and our maid found a dead cockroach and I grabbed it by the antlers (?) and threw it at you and you got scared and jumped up the couch? Or how about when we were in highschool and we were about to go to sleep and the lights were out.. and I made the noise from that movie, The Grudge, and you cried because you got so scared?

    Times have changed. We’re grown up now (I guess you can say that..). We’re living in opposite sides of the world. I mean, who would’ve thought right? We used to be inseparable. Now, you’re married already. I mean, I gotta admit, I was hurt when I found out that you got married and didn’t tell me about it. I was going to be your maid of honor you know? Boo. But I guess, it is what it is.

    I wish you all the best in your endeavors and new life. We may not carry the same last names anymore, and I know that we’ll always be biting each other’s head off, but I know that deep down we still have a deep sisterly bond. And I thank God for that. I don’t ever tell you this but I love you okay? Take care!

Through Ups and Downs,
Jaja

Room Raiders: Jaja Devicais

I gave up my studio apartment at the beginning of August of last year because I lost my job and I've lived on my friend Maria's bedroom floor and my other friend Diana's living room floor up until the last week of May 2010. So for ten, excruciating months of trying to save up, sleeping on the couch, and living out of a suitcase, I finally have my own room and my own bed!

And I’ve always wanted to do a Room Raiders series, and of course, I want to be the first! Haha, here goes..

These are the before shots. It’s so empty.







After!!

This is what you see as soon as you open my bedroom door: my bed, which I missed so much!! It’s kind of low and boring.. I really wanna get a new bed though, I saw this one that I like from Ikea.. so I might save up and get it. :D


Across my bed is my closet.. and my closet.. and my drawers. They’re full of clothes. I know, too much. I still have more clothes in boxes in my storage. :D


Directly facing the door. That’s the bathroom door out there. And my DVD shelf, and bookshelf.


View from the closet. I know, I have a lot of knicknacks. Apparently, I’m a horder. I might need a big house just for that.


A close up of my bed. FYI, that laptop NEVER leaves that side of my bed. Hence, I need a desk. Oh, and ew for not trying to hide my laundry. FYI, I get too lazy making my bed because my comforter always end up at the foot of the bed, so I just leave it like that and I use that white mush of a blanket. It’s the heated blankets they give you at the hospital. My mom got it for me. :D


My shoes on the top shelf. The green bin hold my flipflops and the wicker basket on the top shelf holds belts and light scarves. These are just my dresses (which you can’t see very much), hoodies, long sleeves, and long pants and jeans. FYI, I love hoodies. :D The narrow plastic drawers holds more clothing articles, and the wide drawers have school supplies, electronic stuff, and lotions and perfumes at the bottom. The wicker basket in the corner has all my leggings, and knitted winter scarves, gloves and hats, on the small platic container. And ladies and gents, my laundry. Haha!


I need a better closet. This can barely hold my tops. It has given up on me at least twice. Top row: sleeveless tops, halters, tubes. Bottom row: sleeves. Notice anything about my clothes? If you guess they’re arranged by colors, good job! :D


My whiteboard calendar and my day bag. These drawers hold sweatpants, etc., shorts, skirts, tshirts, and purses at the bottom drawer.


I bought this pair of swimsuit and it’s my “yellow polka dot” bikini” (aka, I have to see it everyday so I can be motivated to lose weight and wear it), that’s why it’s hanging there on my dvd shelf. That reminds me.. must buy more dvds soon.


My shelf full if knicknacks.. hmm, I really should declutter.

UPCLOSE:

1.) Authentic Blue Man Group Show Artwork
2.) Cabaret poster. (I was supposed to give that to someone, but oh well.)
3.) “Pinas” trucker hat I got from a friend.
4.) My very first sword. I got it from my first time at the Anime Convention of early May 2010.


1.) Recipe books: meals, desserts, and mocktails
2.) My sungoggles! (aka huge-lens sunglasses, I’m obsessed with them!
3.) Birthday balloon from my friend.
4.) Empty champagne bottle. Got it as a gift for my Quarter Life Celebration (aka 25th birthday.. if you must know), and emptied it then of course. :D
5.) AFC Officers Collage from a friend.. from the most successful talent show ever! Haha, I’m biased because I was president that time. :D


1.) Hardbound books
2.) Souvenir glasses: Chicago, Bubba Gump
3.) Lizard beanie someone gave me.


1.) More hardbound books. (I really need to collect that Harry Potter set!_
2.) Vases I bought a long time ago from Ikea.
3.) I use one vase (vahz? :D) to hold all the chopsticks I get from restaurants.. :D
4.) Oh, and that’s my AnimeCon name tag. My friend’s niece decided to add ADD to my name.. thanks a lot.


1.) More books.
2.) Handpainted sushi plate I made when a friend took me to Color Me Mine. Heaven! I wanna go again!
3.) A couple of scented candles.
4.) A collage made by a friend of my 23rd birthday in Chicago, when we went museum-hopping. Favorite birthday ever!


1.) More books.
2.) A random ice cream bowl.
3.) Stuffed bear.


1.) More books. I really have a random and eclectic taste in reading, among other things.
2.) Is there a book here that catches your attention? ;D


1.) My journals..
2.) ..and a few of my old planners.
3.) ..and a Bible that someone important gave me.


1.) Photo albums. (That reminds me.. I want to start printing photos again.)


1.) Scrapbooks: 12, CPB..
2.) Binders with some stuff in them.. *shrug*


1.) Board games!!!! I love game nights! My favorite is Catchphrase.. and I get really REALLY competitive with Boggle. Oh, and FYI, stop playing Monopoly with friends if you wanna keep them :D Next purchase.. Apples to Apples!!


My name is Jaja Devicais.
I am a rockstar.
And this is my room.

Day 3: Your Parents

Dear Mama,

      I had to insist on living with you, you know? Papa wanted me to live with the grandparents in Cali. But upon my insistence, I told him that I wanna be able to say I’ve lived with my mom before I fully become an adult and be on my own. In the five years I’ve been here in the US, I’ve alternated between living under your roof, and living alone in an apartment.  Now, you’re all the way in Cali and I’m all alone here in Illinois. Short as it may, I’m glad I still got to live with you. I miss you!

Dear Papa,

      I haven’t spoken a word to you in five years. I feel so terrible that I pulled away from you, after all you’ve done for me and Punky when we were still in the Philippines, just us three. I may have a lot of hard feelings with the hurtful stuff that was said and done, but I know that I should just get over myself and let you back in my life again. I don’t know what’s stopping me. I cried when I saw the video of you being interviewed by a local news station about your record collection. I cried when I saw the recent pictures of Punky when she visited the Philippines and you two had a picture. In my head, I thought “It’s probably breaking your heart that five years ago, you drove two daughter to the airport, and only one came back to visit you.” I always psych myself to write you a letter, but I get scared, I don’t know what to say to a father who’s daughter decided to ignore him out of the blue. Nothing hurts more, I know. Please forgive me.

Dear Mama and Papa,

      I am who I am because of you two. We all struggled as a family. Mama and Papa, my younger sister Punky, and I. You Mama had to do what you did by working in the US while Papa and Punky and I stayed behind. Days gone by where we literally didn’t know where to get our next meal, while my sister and I were unaware that you were in the US with another man. In spite of the struggle, the hardships, and the mistakes we all made to each other as a family, I am still standing strong. I may be broken, but that’s what makes me unique. One day, we will all be happy, I promise. I love you Mama and Papa with all my heart, even though I don’t express it.

Your firstborn,
Jaja

Day 2: Your Crush

Dear S,

      I am soooo lame. I don’t even know why I have a crush on you. I met you one time, almost four months ago. My first impression of you was that you looked smart. And it seems that you are. And although I feel like your sense of humor is quite dry, you still have a sense of humor.. and I like that.

      I actually don’t even want to call it a crush, because crushes are soooo highschool. But it’s not like I can say I like you.. I mean, I “barely” know you. I just find you really interesting.. and I think you can carry on an interesting and intellectual conversation. When you were trying to be friends with me on Facebook, you seemed more engaging, that you really wanted to be friends. But when we finally figured out was was wrong with stupid Facebook *poof* clock strikes twelve and you’re MIA. The only explanation I had in mind is that you “checked me out”, and then you checked out. Hmm, maybe in some way or another, you kinda figured out. Haha. Oh well, story of my life. Better be disappointed now than have my hopes up and be let down later.

     I still think you’re smart. Too bad we’re not gonna have intellectual conversations. I may not be sexy, but my brain is. :D I’ll see you whenever and have a nice life.. :D

Hugs and crushes,
Jaja

30 Day Letter Challenge

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
• Day 23 — The last person you kissed
• Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
• Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
• Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
• Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
• Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
• Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
• Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Day 1: Your Bestfriend

Dear D.E.,

      The way we became friends is an odd story, if I have to say so myself. It never even crossed my mind that we will be friend, but we did, and for that I thank God. I just moved here from the Philippines and going to a community college where everyone pretty much knows everyone, you became my friend.

      Thank you soooo much for showing me things and teaching me things that I never would have known if not for you. You taught me how to love my family, you slowly brought me back to God, and most importantly, you showed me the person that I can be. You understand me and you accept me. The best, and I think the most hilarious, part of our friendship is that to you, I am so predictable, that you know every reaction, every emotion, every habit that I have. That and the fact that you notice all these random facial expressions that I have that even I am not aware of. Like apparently, how I have a different twice pre-lie and post-lie, how you can tell if I took a nap or not. Everything. You’re weird.

      Even though you are drifting away from me, I want you to remember that you will always be my bestfriend. It may not be the same, but In my mind and my heart, it will be. The memories we shared and the deep and meaningful friendship we always have will be with me forever.

      I pray that you be successful in all of your endeavors, I wish you all the best in your life, and always remember, I will always be here for you.

Your friend all the way to the moon and back,
Jaja

Inception: According to Jaja

If you've been under a rock lately, then you must not know that Inception is the most talked about movie this summer. Mind-boggling, mind-blowing, confusing, amazing, awesome, I don't get it.. just some words that were used to describe the movie. I'd go into a synopsis mode but I really want people to just go and find out for themselves. Anyway, the whole thing clicked in my mind days after I saw it. And I really wanted to go out and talk someone's ear off about my realizations, or epiphany. Haha. And I thought it was decent enough that I want to post it here.. so, here goes:

Janis Devicais to Kate.e.Schultz

so i saw inception, right? okay, glad we got that part right. haha.

anyhoo, here is the basic premise:

leo dicaprio (cobb?) is the extractor, joseph gordon levitt (arthur?) is the architect, ellen page (sp?) (ariadne) is another architect i guess, and then there's the chemist guy (the one who made that chemical that made then sleep deeper or something), and the other guy, i think he's called the forger coz he becomes someone else in the movie, and then the chinese(??) guy saito.

- the dreamer is where they house the situation, i guess, and that is where the architect builds the.. well, whatever it is. (see how i think this is better if i just told you in person? it can get confusing coz i feel like im rambling here.) and then of course you know about the target and he fills up the dream with projections of people or situations, whatever.

- i learned in a sociology class that when we dream, it is an overflow of our subconscious. everything in our dream is something that we have already laid eyes on in real life. so if for example you're in a dream where you think you may not know the place, the elements of the dream are random stuff you've "experienced" already.. the fire hydrant, a random person walking the street, a garbage can, a roof, wall paint, etc. (it was easy for me to understand the projections part of the movie because of what i learned in sociology class haha!)

- you can tell who's dream a particular level by who's staying awake. in the rain dream, that indian/arab/asian (im so bad at profiling haha) had to stay away because it was his dream. the hotel scene was gordon-levitt coz he was the one dreaming it, and im not sure if the snow scene was the target's or the forger's dream. anyhoo....

- they have totems right? i think (from what i understand) the totems are used so that they can tell if they're still dreaming or already back to reality. you have to design your own totem so that you are the only one familiar with it's elements, i guess so that there's a personal connection.. i never really understood why you're not allowed to touch someone else's. anyhoo, i think the totem's purpose is how it's used. i guess the mentality is that for example, leo's totem. he'd spin it and if it topples over then he's in the real world. because in a dream, he can will it to keep spinning and it will keep spinning. just like the scene where the forger "dreamed" of a bigger gun to shoot the bad guy on the roof. and ariadne's totem is supposed to topple over if she wills it in her dream, because in real life, she would not be able to. or is it if she topples it over it'll go back.. or something like that. you get the idea, right? i hope so.. i hope i'm not confusing you already..

- the timeline of the dreams are exponential,, three seconds in real life is 9 minutes in the first dream, 81 hours in the second dream.. iono if i did the calculations right, but i think it's pretty much like that..

okay, so here's my interpretation of the ending and whatnot.. (iono why i even enumerated those above.. i guess coz i figured it out too, or understood it.. whatever.. haha!)

- so the ending is pretty much leo finally sees his kids right? and then he spins his totem and walks away. so the audience is left thinking whether the totem stops spinning or not. and of course, i didn't want to commit to a conclusion. i didn't commit because i thought that that would separate the positive thinkers from the cynics. (i just don't know which one would be which).

- ooh quick trivia,, did u know that when it's reality cobb is wearing his wedding ring, and during the dreams he's not? that.. or is it the other way around? i don't remember.. haha!

- anyhoo.. there's this phrase i always use when debating with people: [blank] is relative. for example,, height is relative, craziness is relative, beauty is relative. you know what i mean, right? like height is relative to what you're comparing something with. i can say you're tall, but you're only taller compared to everyone who's shorter than you obviously.. does that make sense? when people say i'm  crazy, i say.. craziness is relative.. i'm only crazier than the rest of people you've met, otherwise you'll say "you're as crazy as" or "not as crazy as".. does that make sense really? i REALLY hope so. or when people who are skinnier than me say that they're fat. then i say if you're fat, i must be a whale. coz fatness would be relative to whatever or whoever her idea of skinnyness(is that even a word??) DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?? ugh, i feel like im confusing you even more.. bear with me.. or just pardon my ramblings.. haha!

- now, last sunday (i promise this is related to the movie), i had my friend owen fix my computer at his house. my roommates were there, plus danny. my computer stuff wasnt done yet but everyone else wanted to leave. i didnt drive to the house so i had two choices: sleep over owen's house and have his fiancee drive me home very early the next day.. or ask danny to give me a ride home. i asked danny and he said fine, nbd. when we were driving home, i didnt want to sit on the front passenger seat of his car.. just because. you know.. hehehe.. but he insisted so i'm like, fine. but i wouldnt look around his car, i only stared outside the window.. even though we were talking. because i did not want to see the new stuff in danny's car. places in his car where my stuff used to me.. ignorance is bliss, you know? haha. he dropped me off, walked me inside the apartment, whatever. when he was walking out, he saw me through my bedroom window and he decided to scare me. i opened the window to yell at him (after screaming like a mad woman of course) and then we ended up talking for maybe an hour or two. i was sitting on my bed, then he was outside standing and leaning on my window sill. we had so much fun, we were joking around, and laughing and doing stupid stuff (like walking down as if if you're on an escalator, whatever.. haha.) like old friends. and then when he decided to leave, i told him: you know the drill, right? let me know when you get home so i know you got home safe. he said: call or text? i said: call, because i don't want you to waste your text messages on me. (he only has 400 a month). so then he called. and we ended up talking some more, maybe almost an hour. about his graduation, life, whatever. and then we hung up and i went to bed. the next night, he messaged me on gchat (which is awesome btw. haha) but i was already asleep. so i woke up in the morning with a message that goes "something" like this: are you still awake? do you think that you and her (dont want to say her name) can be "friends" or at least be civil. no need to answer now, just something to think about. so that brought me back to reality. and then my phrase clicked. and in an inception-like manner, everything came flooding back to me.. reality and all that stuff, and my phrase ____ is relative, which led me to the conclusion. what if.. reality is relative.

- to bring it all in.. TA DAH!! what if reality is relative? what if our reality is what we make of it? in imdb, the kids of cobb were credited as two people, a younger and a slightly older boy and girl. what if, cobb spun his totem but didn't bother to find out if it would stop spinning or not because THIS IS THE REALITY he wants to accept. that he is back home with his kidsand he can see their faces. we do know that when these con artists were building the dreams, they're dreams, not memories. because they mentioned in the movie that you should never bring memories into dream.. or something like that. cobb didnt care to see if his totem will stop spinning or not because this is what he's been waiting for.. it could be the reality or a dream where he can construct again and made a dream with his kids on it (is that clear to you?).. because in the beginning he was also an architect but he could not construct because he brought mal's memory along with him. that is why he did not allow himself to see the maze the other architects were making so that mal would not know and sabotage their plans.. remember that part?

- in my personal experience.. i "thought" i am where i am with danny now.. i am at peace with where i am, and also happy with the fact that i did not lose a friend.. that the person that i once had as a bestfriend is still a friend to me (because i hate cutting people out of my life). and that's all there is to it. but i also choose to disassociate (is that even a word) myself with "him with her" with aspects like i dont want to see them together, photos in fb (i havent visited his site in months), comments, anything.. (get it?). because in my reality, i am at peace with who i am and who he is now.. without that other aspect of him. i am not disillusioned, i don't think so.. i just chose to accept a reality that will keep me from getting hurt again.. and to not associate myself with the reminder that i was "dumped" for danny to be with someone else. i know i always tell myself, that you cannot pick and choose aspects of a person's life.. that you have to accept everything about everyone.. but in this case my reality with danny is something that i built for myself.. because it is easier than a contant painful reminder of what happened to me.

(sidenote, i make it sound like what happened to me and him is a big deal,, because it kinda is.. he was my first love, heartbreak, everything, whatever may be. it's not even about him as a person but just the whole situation in general. so yeah.. haha.. but i'm soooo okay now..)

so people might say that i'm living in a dream world, or that i need to wake up and smell the coffee.. but in fact. this is my reality. =/

on a happier note.. that is why inception clicked to me and i was so proud. haha. i never thought i'd pull a life experience out my butt to be able to understand a movie.. but there goes.

OMG, this is soooo long.. i told you. i warned you. this is embarrassing. haha.

now, i really have to watch inception again. grr.. but i'd have to go with someone who doesnt mind a movie talker. so i can draw up conclusions and such.. hahahahahaha!!

inxs: this gave me a headache trying to put my thoughts to words.. everyone knows thinking is faster than talking.. or even typing. haha!

i hope this didnt give you more headaches.. just a clearer understanding.. well, at the very least it didnt confuse you more..

ttfn!

....and cut.

That was my whole epiphany thing. I hope it doesn't get me too confused when I reread this in the future. And with that in mind, I can't wait for it to come out in DVD.

ThinkCrap

How is it that I wake up this morning and already I'm stressing out? And that was just (not even) an hour ago. I need to unclog my brain. Here goes:

• I have been having these dreams for the past few weeks. I never remember them when I wake up, but I always wake up feeling good.. as if I'm trying to remember a distant memory but I just can't quite put my finger on it. But I remember the feeling so well. And I wake up from these dreams and it bothers me soooo much. The general ideas of these dreams are: I like someone in the dream, someone likes me and wants to go out with me, someone was holding my hand, blah blah blah. And the weird part is that in my dreams, I know this person. I don't see his face, I don't say his name, I don't know what he looks like at all, nor does he speak much. But he's.. there.
• I have this crush. But I really don't want to say crush, because I feel like it's so.. highschool. I want to say I like this guy. But I'm not even sure If I like him like that like that. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. With these walls up, who knows? I've come to terms with the fact that I should just let it unfold and go with the flow. No questions. Besides, it's a weird situation, anyway.  I think I may have blogged about him before. Anyhoo, I've met him one time. I've seen him one time. I've had e-conversations with him a couple of times. From what I've seen (so far), he's sounds smart, I think he's funny (well, i think he has a dry sense of humor but it works), he's mature (aka older than me). He's just chill (I think). But I try to engage him in conversations, try to be friends with him, whatever. He just would not latch on. Obviously, that means Not Interested. Duh, Ja. I dare not ask him to hang out. I'm painfully shy around guys, for one thing. I've NEVER asked any guy out.. EVER. And in the spirit of Filipino cultures and traditions, I believe that a girl should wait for the guy to make the first move. Ligawan, or courtship, is a Filipino practice that I've missed when I was growing up in the Philippines because no one was really interested. And it's not like Filipinos here in America are all that aware of that practice. I think that is one practice that I might not get to experience *sigh*. And besides, I think there's rules against this type of thing. Oh crap, I forgot to mention my conflict. He's a friend's brother. Well I guess it's not really a conflict since I chose not to do anything about it. Story of my life. This friend asked me before on who this crush is that I've been tweeting about. It was this kid from ECC, but I had to hold back for half a sec and bite my tongue because I almost blurted out his brother's name. Haha. Besides, I'm not just gonna tell her "Oh yeah, by the way it's your brother." I'm such a paranoid person, that I think she might think that I'm only hanging out with her on the off-chance that she might tag her brother along again. (Sidenote: It's obviously not the case because I've pretty much thrown all hopes out the window. Nyaha,) Besides, I should leave all high hopes at the door. I'm done with expectations, and although I've never been in the dating scene, I don't think I want to partake in any of it. Don't think I'm brave enough, don't think I'm "experienced" enough. I prefer hanging out first before dating. Hah! That thought WOULD only make sense to me. I just want to stick by what I know: Friendship.. ONLY, never be bestfriends.
• There's one thing I'm really dreading: GRADUATION. Not mine, but someone else's. I'm not gonna delve into it too much because lately, I've been really good at suppressing my feelings that I've been feeling less broken. Anyhoo, here's the only thing I can say: I'm soooo happy that you're finally graduating. This is what you've been waiting for, and this is what I've been waiting for with you. I cannot be more proud of what you've accomplished becaue this is the apex of your life that you've been working so hard on. I'm just bitter of the fact that when you're thanking everyone, I'm not included. And on the slightest chance that you do, you're welcome. But it's too late.
• I need to declutter. And I mean DECLUTTER!! Books, DVDs, clothes, shoes, my computer, my files, my photos. MY LIFE!
• There's soooo many things to do, but so little time.. and so little money. And nobody to do it with. Haha.
• I have to start labelling and relabelling my posts. I've reformatted this blog a million times. Made some other "themed blogs" on here and on Tumblr. But nothing is working out. I need to take out some blogs. That or condense them. Grr.
• I'm hungry. I'm gonna eat breakfast.

Awesome Possum Weekend

Aside from last weekend's game night on Friday, my weekend was pretty much a waste of my time. Nothing to do and all that crap. But I promised myself that I will make this weekend, and the rest of the days to come, be a better and more productive one. Thanks to my awesome friends, this weekend was one of my more accomplished weekends.

Thursday: After working, Andrea and Chad scooped me up and we went on a random trip to Dairy Queen and they each took their turn in karaoke at JB's Then Chad took us ladies home and Andrea and I hung out and spent the rest of the night watching the Old Spice response videos.

Friday: "Chandrea" invited me to come along with their trip to Chicago and we we're hooked up with a tour in the Chicago field office of the Bureau, that's FBI to you. Haha! And then we went to grab something to eat in Argyle street, which I was told was the new Chinatown.. but I like Chinatown better. After fighting our way through traffic, we were almost home. But Chandrea would not be able to make it to the show they're watching at 8p in Schaumburg if they have to drop me off back at my apartment. So Andrea, on a whim, decided to buy me a ticket to see the show they're watching! I love you Andrea!!!! We went to go see Tony Rocky perform in Improv, a comedy club in Woodfield Mall. After that, dinner at Uno Pizzeria. Seriously, I felt like they took me out on a date. And I didn't even find out until past midnight that it was Chandrea's fifth year anniversary!!!! I feel kinda intrusive and yet at the same time honored that they included me in their plans. I seriously love you guys, you are both too sweet. And kudos to Chad for enduring my racist jokes. Haha.

Saturday: Today was a lazy day but it was acceptable considering everyone in the house had a busy couple of days. My roomies and their cousins went swimming while Andrea and I watched Shaun of the Dead as soon as Chad came over. After that, I just went to go about doing my errands and then KC and I went to the mall for some chill time. It was fun because KC never gets alone time and it was nice to take our time browsing up and down the aisles without worrying about the kids, maneuvering the double stroller, yelling STOP and whatnot. It was fun, it was just girlfriend time and it was nice. And then I drove her to her mom's house so she can study for a little bit, so I just read my new book while watching cable TV. Then we're home. :D

Let's see what Sunday has in store for me. Hopefully, something fun and exciting. Something I can look back to when my busy week comes. No drama, no unnecessary people, no nothing. Out with drama. In with the good life.

Jaja

Twitter Guilt

Confession: Oh, how I feel so guilty!
I've neglected my primo blog because I've been nose-deep in the Twitterworld, tweeting about every food I eat, every errand I do, every little that crosses my mind. I still love blogging more than anything. I promise that I will blog more regularly. I will give myself specific days to blog.

Confession: I starter another blog. (At this rate, I should just start my own magazine. Ooh, a webzine.)

Fact: I have __ blogs.

[blogspot]
I Am: For my pour-your-heart-outs, sweet-nothings, and everything else in between. A.K.A., my main blog.
My Married Friends: I thought it'd be hilarious to compile my friends' arguments and whatnot.
Jaja Is Cooking: I want to learn how to cook, and this was my Julie/Julia version of it. I just don't have time anymore though.

[tumblr]
Overflow: I find a lot of things over the internet, and this is were I put it. That and the fact that nobody knows me in here, only a handful, and anonymity has its powers.
Welcome To The Good Life: This is my new blog. I am taking my life back. I already made a list of the areas that I need to take reign of. This is my "serious" tumblr blog.

[facebook]
(well, it doesn't really have a title): This is when I want to make a statement, basically. Apparently, quite a handful of people follow my notes in facebook. Much surprised, and greatly appreciated.

Fact: When I have the time, and the money, I will have that webzine. :D

Pride!

Oon my way to the chicago gay pride parade 2010.  

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.Dr. Seuss

It was raining cats and dogs this morning.. and super dark too. And then the sun decided to come out. (pun DEFINITELY intended).

Have a nice day!!

Angels?

Yesterday was a good day for me that I feel like I need to blog about it.

I tweeted this yesterday morning:

smiling and hoping that today will be a good day! :D10:13 AM Jun 24th via web from Elgin, IL
1.) My good friend Joyce messaged me something in FB that made me smile. Can't tell you guys what it's about. But it indeed made me smile! :D
2.) I was ringing up this mother-daughter customer at work and they both complimented me on my nails because they love the color purple. I giggled like a little girl on the inside. But I did say thank you! :D
3.) This middle-aged guy was waiting for something by the Parts window, next to my window (cashier), and he was bored so he started talking to me. A few minutes into the conversation, he complimented me on my tan and how it's really nice and that I have a "glowing tan". I thought I was getting too dark, what with swimming pretty much every other day. But the man complimenting me made me think, "Hey, maybe it's not that bad."
Yesterday also marked one week of my friend's passing. I know he's much happier now. :D
I know it's you, Nick. You still managed to make my day.. through other people. :D

The Clouds Are Amazing Today!

A really good friend passed away today. I've only known him maybe for a couple of years, but we became good friends late last year. He cheered me up and listen to me whine and complain and rant and vent when I was at such a low point. Random invitation to hang out with people at JB's, the local karaoke bar, even though I don't sing.. and neither did he. His Captain & Coke and whatever I have a taste for that night.He would randomly invite me to hang out at Steak 'n Shake in the middle of the night, throw frisbees and footballs in front of a 24hours gym. Cravings for eggrolls and bubble tea were satisfied with random trips to Chinatown.. yes in the middle of the night. He'd always pay too. Thanks for letting me mooch, kid.

It was so unexpected, he was so young. He's going to school AND just started a new job in the city. We made plans to go to Chinatown after he gets his paycheck.. and he was gonna cook french toast for me and some friends. Apparently he's really awesome with french toast, or so he said.

Yes, he can be annoying at times. But what twentysomething boy is not?

It was just too close to home, you know? First it was that celebrity, that person that a friend knows, a neighbor, an acquaintance. But a friend? It was in my own fence. It was a person I laughed with, joked around with, shared stories with, shared a hug with.

His passing taught me an age old lesson, I should've learned a long time ago. Tell the people you love that you love them before it's too late.

Him: Hey Jay (he'd call me vajanis, then vajayjay)
Me: Waza??
Him: love you.
Me: It always amuses me how easily you throw those three words around.. why?
Him: Nevermind.

And now he gave me the answer. Every night, he'd text a bunch of people, "What's going on tonight?" Half the time I blow him off because I'm too tired to hang out, or even to talk. Sometimes, I'd think, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to [insert plans here]." Just last Friday, he invited me over for a bonfire. All I told him was, "How are you throwing a bonfire when half the people are in Relay? Besides, I need to go home and sleep 'coz I have work in the morning. Plus, my ride's here." His reply? "You should've told me, I could've just given you a ride." And my thought process was, we're gonna go to Chinatown anyway, let's just wait. But I guess there's no chance for that now.

Study harder.
Dream bigger.
Talk nicer.
Laugh louder.
Smile sweeter.
Stand prouder.
Walk straighter.
Run faster.
Jump farther.
Fly higher.
Live fuller.
Love deeper.
Shine brighter.
..and most importantly, speak up like it's your last minute on Earth. Tell the people you love how important they are to you. How much they've affected your life, and how much you appreciate them in your life. And don't forget to thank them for letting you become a part of theirs.

Because you never know when God is going to call you home. And when that happens, you should've lived your life the way God intended for you to. With deep relationships, and deeper meaning.

When you were born, you cried, and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.

Thanks for the memories, kid.
You're right, the clouds are amazing today.

Playgrounds.

I wish I was still in kindergarten. The biggest drama in your life is trying to find out who stole your crayon. The ultimate surprise is opening your lunch box and your mommy packing you an extra cookie. The security that, like clockwork, you know when  it's time for recess, for nap, or for mommy or daddy to pick you up.

Growing up is taking it's ultimate toll on me. And I'm 25. You might think that I should've grown up years ago. My rebuttal is that I will always be a kid at heart, and I can't force myself to grow up. There is nothing at the finish line but death, so why not enjoy life while you can right?

But this past year and a half, I was thrown every lemon, and every rock, and every bread people can find. I also jumped over and stumbled over every hurdle that I ran into. And yet, I took it with faith that everything will be okay. Because if there is one thing that I have always felt sure of, it was clockwork. Court. Probation. Work. Payday. Off days. Hanging out with friends. Everything operates in clockwork. I have a planner, a calendar, a to-do-list, an alarm for every event. I can always count on things to happen. Relationships also operate like clockwork for me. But it seems that I can't hold on to a relationship long enough. Bestfriends, friends, family, relatives. All relationships that if not cracked, are already broken. But as long as I see that everyone else around me is okay, then I will be okay.

Let me tell you about my playground. I've never had a constant group of friends. But a year-ish ago, I found it. A mature enough yet fun enough group of people that each had their own personality.. and we all just meshed together. Every weekend, like clockwork, we hang out, we have our Sunday family dinners, we watch movies. Anything goes. Girls plan the evening while our beloved Wolf Pack work out and boost and challenge each other's ego. And since I have no family here, this is my family. And whoever messes with my family, gets it. I'm serious. These group of people is the most important people in my life right now. They have helped me beyond words. From breakups to losing jobs to cars breaking down to being penniless and no place to stay. They don't know it but they are the family that I don't have right now. We took care of each other and got each others' backs like we were all brothers and sisters. The seven of us ruled this playground.

Sure things change, but to me change means "more or less of what is already there." Change is not the disappearance of an emotion, of laughter, of a friend. Of family. And I'm sorry to be cliche but this is my Ohana right here. And to quote Lilo, "Ohana means family. Family means no one gets left behind."

But it seems that I gave more importance to these playmates than the rest of the team. I am holding them in the palm of my hand cherishing every experience I go through with them. But they're all ready to move on. And I'm stuck here. Alone. As always.

But what happens when something gets thrown off schedule or was cancelled, you ask. I say, if it does not work for me, as long as I can see it work for others, I have hope. I have faith. And what if those things around me that gives me hope.. fails? That when I start losing hope. That's when I start faltering. That's when I wish there is something else, somebody else, that will hold my hand, rub my back, and put me for a nap, telling me in a hushed voice, that everything will be okay when you wake up. Like in kindergarten.

But it's not. It never will be. Growing up sucks.

ThinkCrap.

I can't believe I haven't blogged in a month! You can just imagine how much crap I have going on inside my brain. Grr. I've been having ups and downs of my days. I'll update soon enough. Don't worry, I'm still alive.

The Name Game

My heart still breaks everytime I hear your name.
And I would rather have that.
Than to never hear your name again.

My love forever.

Kung Ako Nalang Sana. ♥

Heto ka na naman kumakatok sa'king pintuan
Muling naghahanap ng makakausap
At heto naman ako nakikinig sa mga kwento mong paulit-ulit lang
Nagtitiis kahit nasasaktan

Ewan ko bakit ba hindi ka pa nadadala
Hindi ba't kailan lang nang ika'y iwanan nya
At ewan ko nga sa'yo parang balewala ang puso ko
Ano nga bang meron siya na sa akin ay 'di mo makita

Chorus:
Kung ako na lang sana ang 'yong minahal
'Di ka na muling mag-iisa
Kung ako na lang sana ang 'yong minahal
'Di ka na muling luluha pa
'Di ka na mangangailangan pang humanap ng iba
Narito ang puso ko naghihintay lamang sa'yo

Heto pa rin ako, umaasang ang puso mo
Baka sakali pang ito'y magbago
Narito lang ako kasama mo buong buhay mo
Ang kulang na lang mahalin mo rin akong lubusan

Kung ako na lang sana ang yong minahal
Di ka na muling mag-iisa
Kung ako na lang sana ang yong minahal
Di ka na muling luluha pa
Di ka na mangangailangan pang humanap ng iba
Narito ang puso ko naghihintay lamang sayo
Kung ako na lang sana...

Oooo...
Kung ako na lang sana ang yong minahal
Di ka na muling mag-iisa
Kung ako na lang sana ang yong minahal
Di ka na muling luluha pa
Di ka na mangangailangan pang humanap ng iba
Narito ang puso ko naghihintay lamang sayo
Kung ako na lang sana...

(what a way to start my night. all i want, more than ever, is to be in the arms of the person that i gave my heart to. the heart wants what the heart wants, and needs.)

No Holds Barred. Uncensored.

Part I

It's been 189 days since I stopped being his and he stopped being mine. Actually, he's still in my heart. He will always have the biggest part of me. Just thinking and feeling all these is so overwhelming that I think I'm going to cry. It's been half a year since my heart broke, and though my heart is still in pieces, it surprises me that I can still love him like this as if it was the first time I realized I loved him.. with all the pieces of my heart. Each day feels like a month, a month a year.. and I feel like I've been trudging on deep waters in slow motion for forever. It's still hard for me to breathe. It's still hard for me to smile. It's still hard for me to listen to songs. And the funny thing is, I started classifying songs as pre-Janis and post-Janis. And either way I look at it, it's hard to listen to them.

He was the best thing that happened to me and I know that I, him. The life we shared together was something I never imagined I can ever deserve. But I know that God made him a part of my life for a reason. Like what I have always said, "I must have done something right.."

Cliche as it may sound, I love him so much it hurts. Whenever he comes around, I am always so thankful and happy and appreciative. I take in every part of him. Because God only knows when the next time I will see his  beautiful smile again.

I would look at him and he is still the Danny that I know and love. He is still the man that loved me for who I am and loved my family even more, expecially, when I didn't know how. The simple things like, handing him a plate, or serving him dinner, or throwing a blanket over him when he falls asleep on the couch or the floor. To this he would say, "You still take care of me." And punctuate it with that musing smile. Little things like that still make my heart swell with pride. For I never really asked a lot from him. Just his loving, caring, sweet nature that is Danny.

A hug that I have not felt in such a long time, I thought that I'd have forgotten what that felt like. But I remembered, he made me remember. As he offered me a hug from out of nowhere, all these emotions came flooding back and I remember. I remember everything. And like a Lego piece, I still fit in that niche as if I still belonged there.

In God's time, and in God's will.

I love you.