2/365 who do you sometimes compare yourself to?

let's face it, everyone has their insecurities, some show it more than others. sometimes, i compare myself to a lot of people. i compare myself to my friends and wish i am where they are now. here and there, i compare myself to my ex boyfriend, because who doesn't want to come out on the winning end of a break-up, right? i compare myself to people my age to gauge how good or bad the things i've done with and in my life. i compare myself to my sister, because we went through the same things in our childhood and yet our lives have become so different and apart. and lastly, i compare my present self to my past self, because who i am now, is not who my past self have wanted me to be. i guess this means i am my own worst enemy.

1/365 when was the last time you tried something new?

sometime in march, before i made my big move from illinois to california, i got my first tattoo! it's a script of the words "defy gravity" on my right wrist. i've always wanted to get a tattoo, but i knew i had to think long and hard about it, like what it would mean to me, what's the significance of when and why i'm getting one. i've had such a good life in illinois that i knew that at the back of my mind, it's not the right thing to move. but here i am now, just crossing my fingers and trying to "defy gravity".

Reinvent

Every now and then, I'm faced with a blogging dilemma. To reformat my blog or not. I guess it has a little bit something to do with my attention span. I always want to blog about something specific, to gain more audience, but I somehow end up personalizing most of my blogs. And I feel stronger about more personal entries more than anything. But then again, sometimes I feel that being too personal on my blogs might be too much. Too much information, too much of an overshare, and it might come back and haunt me in the future. So I don't know, I really don't. I gotta think about it some more.

Let's Get Personal

I just finished watching The Rebound (Catherine Zeta-Jones, Justin Bartha) and I actually like it. [SPOILER ALERT] The premise of the story is that 40 year old Sandy (Zeta-Jones), was living a perfectly normal suburban life when she caught her husband cheating so they got divorced and she and her two kids moved to the city. She met Aram (Bartha), a 25 year old barista working below her apartment. She hires him as a babysitter, he asks him out, they dated blah blah blah. Eventually things didn’t work out because of a pregnancy scare and they went to live their own lives. She went to become a sports news anchor and he traveled the world. After five years, they bumped into each other in a restaurant, and lo and behold, he’s thirty now, more mature, and they got back together. The End.

I know, I usually just post something touristy or travel-related, but I think I want to share this one.

2 Things:

• Sandy left the life she knew and went to start over and create a life for herself and her family in the city. I wish that I had the courage and the strength to do that. Granted I’m only 27 and single, no kids. But that’s just that. I’m 27 and yet I’m so scared of change and starting over. 19 years in the Philippines, 6 in Chicago, and now I’m starting over (yet again) in another place. I feel everybody is moving forward and I can’t seem to get my bearings. Just when I thought I was finally going to make it, I have to pack all my bags and move. I left a lot of baggage in Illinois. No, I didn’t fix it, I ran away from it. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel complete. Sandy had the strength to start over, even with her love life. It’s been 2 and a half years, and I’m still single. No attempt to put my self out there on my part either. After getting out of a 3 year serious relationship (also my first), I’m just too scared to start over, to trust again, to let my wall down and let people in. I actually missed having a best friend. I started having a best friend again but I’m so “messed up in the head” I actually managed to push him out of my life. But that’s a different blog, different day. So anyway, is there still a stigma to dating younger men? I mean, not that I’m looking at younger men right now. Haha. I mean, if I keep up at this pace, I’m going to end up 30+ and still single. To my friends’ amusement, they all say I’m a cougar, even though I’ve barely moved from where I was standing 2 years ago. Alone. But honestly, I’m so scared of being single and being alone, and unloved, when I get older. I have blogs, and hobbies, and all that stuff to keep me company, but to what extent though? I need to be brave, to be more adventurous, I just wish I have that inner drive that I lost somewhere along the way.
• Aram, after the break up, decided to travel the world, per Sandy’s suggestion that he’s still so young and needed to get out there. He got hired to work a corporate desk job, couldn’t live with it, and jumped on the first flight out of the country. There he went places, met people, wrote on journals, worked, volunteered, you name it. I guess you can say that he found himself, because when he came back home, we was indeed a changed man. Are there other ways to find yourself, other than travelling? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I agree. I want, with my whole heart and soul, nothing more than to get out of my room and see the world. I want to visit touristy spots, learn languages, eat local cuisine, experience culture, meet people, hike and swim and climb and run, and of course take lots of pictures. Do people really find themselves when they travel? I long for it so bad. Whenever I see movies that are travel-themed (like Eat, Pray, Love), and have travel scenes (like The Rebound), my heart swells with pride. I mean, I also get that feeling when I’m driving, even just locally. There’s just something about the world and the freedom of driving that makes me feel alive. I couldn’t cut it as a girlfriend, I couldn’t cut it as a bestfriend either. I’ve changed so many jobs in my life time. What is it about me? Can I not stay put in one place and live one life? Or will I just coast along this life? I always feel like I’m running out of time. I feel like I’m chasing something but I don’t know what it else. Most times, I feel trapped in my life. That I want to explode out of my skin. I don’t know.

I guess that’s my poorly written, poorly edited blog entry for now. Pardon my dust.

Bored

This boredom is killing me. I guess now I know. One month is all I need for slacking (or a vacation?). Now I'm getting really restless and irritable. I want to make money. I want to go out and make conversations with people in my generation. I want to get out of this house because it's starting to drive me crazy. I can only clean and blog and read and watch TV for so long. Life is walking past me. Everyone is getting ahead and I'm stuck. And yes, I want to make money. Because the sooner I can do that, then the sooner I can get my own car and my own place. I need to get out of here already. Yes, one month.

Chicago

I miss Chicago.

First off, I'm saying Chicago instead of Illinois because Apparently, to the rest of the world (or the US at least), nothing exists outside of Chicago (or Springfield). So everytime, I say I'm from Illinois, people ask "Where, Chicago?" and I got tired of explaining so I just say yes.

Anyway, I miss Chicago.

I miss good cheap coffee from Dunkin Donuts.
I miss the convenience of Popeye's from down the street.
I miss having people to go out dancing with.
I miss the big beautiful city that is, aherm, Chicago.
I miss Portillo's.
I miss my job, and my super-awesome co-workers.
I miss my shoes. And my dresses. And my books. And my sewing machine. And my printer.
I miss my roommates. Our loud conversations, our stupid jokes, our meals together.
I miss my friends. Our ability to be stupid together, and be awesome together. Our inside jokes, our experiences, our stories, our intertwined lives.
I miss my adopted family. Everyone that has treated me as part of their family.
I miss Chicago.

I'm happy to be with my sisters and my mom and the rest of my family and relatives. Is sunshine good for the soul? Because in the past month (ish) that I've been here, I haven't felt sad or miserable. Well, there was that one time that my sister said something mean and it made me cry, I just didn't tell her. But other than that, I have sisters who manage to make me smile. The way they knock on my door and ask for help, or they just barge in and rummage through my closet. Or when they run straight to my room when they come home from school and they tell me what happened during the day. I love it.

I love being part of a team here. But I also love how I tried (and struggled) to live on my own there. I miss my friends so much. But I'm also happy here, right now. I wish I can have both worlds with me. But for now, I'm just mowing forward in this journey.

Tourist of Traveller?

I haven't decided which one I'm going to be, but all I know is that I'm preparing to set up and see the world. My dreams of doing a roadtrip, backpack somewhere, etc, just go out there is getting bigger and bigger. I mean, I imagine, think about, plan about my dream and my heart just swells with happiness. I've started a Trip Jar and hopefully, I save a lot of money because I want to make this come true. I've set out a timetable for myself. Some people have careers, high paying jobs, important positions. This may sound like I'm a person with no ambition, but I've decided that I'm going to get a job to get a job, and nothing else. I will work hard and save and save - and save some more - so that I can travel. I've started following blogs, reading book, and I slowly want this to work for myself. If having a boyfriend or keeping a relationship or meeting someone, or being hired, or whatever is out of my control, this one is all up to me. I will do this. I'm going to try to defy gravity this time.

Almost A Month....

It's been almost a month since I last blogged here. WAAAAY too many things have happened. This is what happened when I procrastinate blogging. All my thoughts, adventures, rants, musings, etc get all jumbled up in my head that instead of sorting it out, I just ignore it.

• I've hung out with old ECC friends and I missed them badly.
• I've celebrated my birthday a week early with one of my really close friends and I got to meet his boyfriend and I was so flattered coz he's never introduced anybody before.
• One of my good friends came home for her spring break and she helped me pack my stuff and it was such a big help, I appreciated it so much.
• I hung out one on one with a lot of people, and it's making me miss them all so much right now.
• I had one of my close friends get mad at me, to the point where I thought we were on our way to bestfriendship but I did a really shitty thing so now I'm not sure I can have what we had back.
• My adopted family threw a party for me before I left. My heart swelled with so much love for them, I had tears. Seriously.
• My last day at work was bittersweet. I, without a doubt, loved working there. 100% no bullshit. It was a relief to leave just because I feel like I deserved a vacation from my normal life. But I loved everyone there and I actually miss them.
• I miss tF. I didn't say goodbye to him and I'm so dumb. I wish I treated him more like a friend than my boss. It would've been nice to have been friends with him. -gah- I miss him.
• I spent the day in Chicago with a couple of friends and it was the most fun ever. I took tons of photos, explored parts of the city I've never seen (or only saw from afar or for a couple of minutes). I love the city and I can't wait to see it again.
• My friends and I finally got to go on our much awaited mini roadtrip to Springfield. I am such a museum nerd, it's not even funny. That was my third time going to the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Museum but it's always fun. And I got to see the Lincoln home this time too.
• My roommate/close friend KC and I had a crying session the day I left. It was the first time we've ever done that. Thinking about it makes me cry all the time. She was the only one who showed me emotions like that. Darn, I'm crying again.
• ....and then of course I left Chicago. 
• ....and I'm in LA!!!!
• The plane ride was bumpy and space was cramped. But that's Spirit Airlines for you.
• Then I got to see my mom and my four younger sisters and it made my heart happy ever since. I mean granted, they do annoy me here and there but that's me being the oldest sister of a 24, 13, 8, and 4 y/o.
• For my birthday weekend, my mom, stepdad, and 2 youngest sisters drove 8+ hours to the northern part of Cali so I can see my 24 y/o sister who's in the USAF and my relatives living in the Bay area.
• Today marks the two weeks I've been here in CA. I've taken tons of pictures, of course. Nothing big happens though since I have no car and job yet. We'd visit places here and there, we did go to Newport Beach over the weekend and that made me so happy I was practically exploding out of my skin, So I've been spending most of my time tagging my photos and blogging. I feel like I am on vacation though. Now, if I can just haul ass and start working out.

Happy New Year!!

Oh wow. This is my first blog for 2012, and I guess that's okay even if the month's halfway over. But even though it's only been a couple of weeks (oh, 3), life's been quite eventful.

• My batchmates and I are having our highschool reunion this year!! :) I can't wait, and I'm crossing my fingers that I can definitely make it! I miss these guys like crazy!
• I signed up at Ravelry, a crocheting/knitting site (that won't give me SPAM!!!!), and I'm ALSO crossing my fingers that I'll get to improve my skills.
• The first day of the year I got to spend it with amazing people. So that should be a sign for a good year right?? *crossfingers*
• Work is stressful right now. Actually life is. I'm doing the same thing everyday. I need something to spice up my life. How about a new hot boyfriend with an English accent who would cater to my needs and whims? :)
• My online life is as busy as ever. I make it sound glamorous, to lessen the intensity of the fact that my online hours are greater than my outside social life hours. I'm kind of like a loser, but with amazing dresses and shoes. :)

..actually, that's it for now coz I gotta get ready. My friend's picking me up, and uh, we're going to Joanne Fabrics.

It's Like....

It's like this loneliness is eating me up inside.
It's like I feel a big hole in me that I've given up the desire to fill.
It's like I have lost all hope and I can't see past tomorrow.
It's like I want to cry out all these pain and sadness but I've run out of tears.
It's like it hurts so much I've ran out of ways to express it.
It's like I thought I've hit rock bottom but I just can't stop falling.
It's like I need help but I look around and the world's an empty place.
It's like I'm done trying and I'm done living.
It's like I just want to be gone.

I want to go somewhere where no one knows who I am. That way, I can stop pretending that I'm happy to the people that knows my problems.

I want to run away.

Superficial Wishes

C'mon. Everybody has them. But not everyone would be ballsy enough to admit so. Here's my list:

• I wish I was skinny. (..and by that I mean 5'5" and 120lbs)
• I wish I was rich. (not the "the world is my playground" kind of thing, not even the "socialite" rich. just.. well, rich.)
• I wish I was pretty. (i don't want boys at my feet 24/7. i just wanna be pretty where guys will actually want to ask me out, do double takes, heck yea even check me out.)
• I wish I have a talent. (talents that will amaze people, like dancing, or singing, or playing an instrument, or painting.)
• I wish I was happy. (..and not where I wish everyday that I wish I'd disappear.)
• I wish I had a bestfriend. (then maybe, life will be easier.)

Thought Overflow

In the past few weeks, I have been living inside my head and I'm just about ready to explode. I don't know where to start so I'm just going to randomly start writing about stuff.

• After writing about my friendship about a certain person, the next few days became weird. We just went from being almost close friends to barely speaking to each other. We went from talking, and texting, and hanging out to zero communication at all. I am so fucking good at pushing people away that I'm pretty sure I did something that now it seems that I have zero friendship with him. I miss his insights and my smart conversations with him. But as is with any other amazing friendship I find, I find something to ruin it. This blows.
• I spent my thanksgiving with a friend's family. I didn't wanna go Black Friday shopping with them because I had no money and I know I'll just be miserable. Plus, think about it: I'll be out in the cold, miserable I'm broke and I have nothing to show for it? Yeah, that blows too.
• I cracked. I had an emotional breakdown and I cried for hours and hours and hours. It felt like there was an empty hole growing inside of me. I was depressed for days on end, I couldn't function at work, I cried every night until I fell asleep. The worst part of it?? I have all these people that are supposedly my friends but I just felt like I couldn't call anybody who would be able to understand/help me. I've never felt more alone. If I ever give off a vibe that you can't call me for anything, please stop. I will pick up the phone at 3am if you just want to talk, if you have a problem, anything. I'm here for you. Any of you.
• I posted online that I'm tired of fighting for my life and I'm tired of trying so I'm just going to give up all together. I don't know. Maybe as a cry for help?? And of course, I had all these online friends respoinding "oh hey what's wrong?" or "what happened?" or whatever. Friends who know my number. Not one called me to ask me what was wrong. That fucking hurts, man. I didn't reply to any one of them, and no one bothered to follow up. Like, seriously. I'm not mad at them though. I'm just frustrated that our world has become so impersonal and distant. It's like everything exists online but nothing matters in the real world anymore.
• Which brings me to superficiality and materialistic whims. What happened to Thanksgiving!? It's like the dinner part has become so obligatory and the want to celebrate this tradition was replaced by Black Friday Madness. Thanksgiving dinner has now become a whimsical power-up strategy meeting of family members on what to buy where at what point during the very cold hours of the night. It was disappointing. Don't get me wrong, it's fun to be with family and friends. But if there were no Black Friday shopping, what would you do for the rest of the night after dinner?
• And another thing.. what the fuck happened to Black Friday?? Before, it actually started on the early hours of Friday. But now? Because of the ridiculous competition between retailers, doors now open earlier and earlier every year! Some stores even opened 9pm on Thursday night. Most ads claimed that their Black Friday extends all weekend all the way to Cyber Monday. Not to mention a handful of stores I know that had a three day early Black Friday Sale for those who a.)got the email, b.)have a code, c.)apply for credit cards, whatever whatever whatever. It's ridiculous!! The planning to go shopping for Black Friday lasted longer than planning what to serve for dinner!! I don't know man. Maybe I'm just saying that because I'm a hating broke-ass person, but I still think it's ridiculous.
• They should allot a Buyer's Remorse Day after all this shopping, for those who are starting to feel the dents in their wallets.
• I've realized something: whenever I have any wants or needs, I should keep them to myself. Because I've found that whenever I throw out to the universe that there are particular things that I want/need for myself and obviously can't have it for whatever reason.. well, somebody else that I know finds a way to have it for themselves. That blows as well.
• Am I a depressed person? Clinically diagnosed, I mean. All I know is that, if ground underneath me opens right now to eat me whole, I'd be more than okay with it. I've come to the point of this emptiness and sadness that I really, REALLY have stopped trying. I mean who cares anyway? Nobody apparently. I've realized after all these crying and unexplicable pain I feel that I'm ready to die. And no I'm not going to kill myself. But something were to happen to me, I'd be okay. Because I'm fucking done with the world.

Deserving

I can say I have a lot of friends. Some good, some better, but nobody has come close enough to be called the best. But it's nobody's fault. After losing a bestfriend, I've been scared to let people in. In my mind, people will do things that will disappoint you over and over, and if you regard that title to those people, you're setting yourself up to be heartbroken. I've lost a bestfriend and I don't think I can go through that heartache again. I love all my friends, I really do. I have a handful of the best closest friends ever, but somehow I still find myself alone at night. Like, there's nobody there for me. I'm sure that all my friends love me just the same, but I'm just so broken and burdened with baggage that I'm just too, too scared.

But what if you meet someone that wants to be friends with you in the sincerest form? What if you meet someone who wants to put the effort and the trouble and go out of their way to get to know you, hang out with you, treat you right, and make you feel that they'll be there for you and actually mean it?

I have this one friend, and we've started being friends just a couple of years ago. I've known him for a little over five years now but we've only become closer friends just recently, I'd say over the past six-ish months(?). Anyway, he is such a nice person. He's a gentleman, he'd kind, but he's honest, he's real. He makes me feel that my life matters too (if that even makes sense). I mean, I can't help it that I'm a pushover sometimes, but he makes me feel that I can be heard. I can't really explain it, but he makes me feel like I matter and that's all that I can say.

I mentioned to him that I've been contemplating about moving to California. He asked why. I told him that I feel like I need a change of pace, because I'm tired of trying. He asks, "Trying of what?". I said, "Trying to make it." He stops and looks at me, and tells me, "We just started hanging out and now you wanna leave? That's it, I'm going home." And we just both cracked up. But in my mind, I was really touched you know? A few weeks back, I had mentioned to a couple of friends that I might be going away for a while, and they said, "But who's gonna cover your share of the rent?" Apparently, they're joking. But jokes are always half meant.

So of course now I'm creating a totally unnecessary moral dilemma for myself. I really, really want this friendship to work out. But I'm too scared to let people in, did I mention that? I feel like, he's been sent to fix me, and that when I'm not broken anymore, he's gonna up and leave, just like all the other people that mattered in my life. He's such a good person that I feel like I don't deserve him, that being friends with him will come with a price, and I won't know when I need to pay up.

We were talking and we talked about how I feel obligated to some friends and why I feel that way. He said, "That's why I let you pick what we do, is because I know how people treat you and that's not right.." Then he looked at me and said, "I hope you don't ever feel obligated to be friends with me."

I should stop now. I'm just gonna end up jinxing stuff up some more. With my bad luck streak, I'll probably mess this up too. I just wish that he'd be strong enough to stick around and be friends with the fucking emotional mess that I am.

Thanks, Prime Factor.

Hi, Matt.

So.. I had a dream about you last night. It was so weird because it was random. In my dream your ghost was following me around. There were two other ghosts there with you but I'm just not gonna say who they are okay? Anyway, you three were following me around. I was feeling guilty all day because I kept saying death comes in threes, and when you passed away, another common friend passed away, then another. So I was being too hard on myself, that I shouldn't have opened my mouth. I was depressed. And the whole time you were just following me, with the two others right behind you. You were giving me crap for being depressed. That I shouldn't worry about it. My dream was really long, but as always, I barely remember it. That is why I'm trying to blog as much nonsense as I can get out of it. In my head, if I close my eyes, I can see what you look like. But not enough to write it on here. I remember that when no one is looking at me in my dream, I'd come and give you tight hugs. Even more weird, I was ABLE to give you hugs like you were just there with me. I know you're trying to tell me something. But what is it?

....and then of course I woke up.

I went to your FB page after I woke up and your mom posted a video of you, Jaimie and Noah, jamming together. I only saw your face the beginning of the video and I started crying.

You're probably wondering why I'm writing my sentiments on here and not on FB. You probably already know, that's why you visited me in my sleep last night. I'd miss you all the time, Matt. I'd miss when we used to hang out all the time at my mom's house, or your mom's apartment's pool. Remember my mom's birthday when we just took over? Or when we all went to the Art Museum on a random day?  Or you, me and Krackel grabbing a handful of those Soy Amada pins at the Jewelry store? You and Danny sitting in on my Spanish class instead of waiting for me outside so we can all eat at Wendy's afterwards? And then you'd be giving me all the answers so that I can show off in that class. Haha, Senor Martinez probably thought I was super awesome in Spanish class 'coz of you. Tengo una pregunta para ti. Haha. Or we skipped class to go swimming at your pool and we brought margherita pizza from Target for everyone. Playing Pool Nazi with Danny, Jason, Steve and me and Krackel just sat on the side coz you guys played for HOURS and it got old for us within the first 30 minutes. Haha. I miss you sooooo much Matt. Not only because you are gone. But I missed being your friend even before what happened. I missed hanging out with you. I missed you being my life coach. When Danny called me to tell me what happened, one of his first words were "I know you think that Matt's a really cool person and that I know you missed having him around, but I wanted to tell you that.."

So yeah, why am I putting my dream here on my blog? Because my blog is the "I Don't Give A Fuck" part of me. When I go on your FB page, all these people that tell you they miss you, and share stories and music about you, that say you visited them last night, I feel that they deserved to be part of your life and they deserved to put all these amazing stories and thoughts about you on your wall. I feel pretty insignificant, because I know that it was majority my fault why we drifted apart. You and Danny had a silly falling out and I was stupid enough to take sides. And now my guilt is eating me up inside. I feel that I don't deserve to tell the world what an amazing person you were when we were hanging out because I chose to drift away from you. Now I don't have a boyfriend and I don't have a friend. I'm soooo sorry, Matt. I'm really really really sorry.

Words From A Stranger

I was training the new girl again last night, and during the course of the evening when it slowed down, we got to talking about each other's life. We somehow ended up talking about MY (non-existent) lovelife.

Not in order, here are the words that she's shared with me.

That's a long time to for a girl not to be loved. I think you deserved it at most a year into him leaving.
            -on me not having someone for that last two years

Girl, you need to get out there. You say you can't flirt, but you just have to go out there and do it. The least they can do is say no right? And you don't even know them that well, so it's not a big deal.
            -on my inability to flirt

 From what I can see, you have a really awesome personality. I don't know why you're so hesitant to put yourself out there. All you have to do is take all the good things and make them better. The bad ones? Just leave them at the door.
            -on how I should go about putting myself out there

I've only trained her three random days and she says I have an awesome pesonality. Maybe she's just being nice, but then again that's just me again taking a compliment and shredding it to pieces with my self-doubt. If a stranger can see that I have a good personality and that I deserve someone since apparently I'm awesome like that, I think about the times I've met people and my low self-esteem forbade me to put myself out there where I can be vulnerable again. They probably saw it too. But I was too caught up on my loneliness that it never occured to me that I deserve to be happy too.

Thanks, MP, for the kind words. :)

Monday!!

It's the last week of September. Then it's October, November, then December. Before you know it, I'm 27. Time is flying by so fast, taking a deep breath isn't even helping. Why am I growing up so fast! While adulthood has its perks, it kinda sucks a great deal.

I have to train new girls at work. After that, I can finally get my full-time status. With benefits. I can finally have my teeth fixed.. and yes, braces included.

I may start that second job soon. That means goodbye to my so-called social life. But these are things I have to do now, so that I can have a better life later.

I have something going on all weekends of October. A double sweet sixteen, a random photoshoot with friends, a bachelorette party, a birthday, a wedding. That doesn't include the spur of the moment phone calls I will mostt likely get to go out or hang out. On top of that, training and babysitting the new girls at work, full time hours in one job, and potential part time hours in a second job. On top of that my, my responsibilities. Bills, utilities, groceries, rent, car maintenance, laundry, working out, etc., etc., etc. I already got stressed just thinking about all that stuff.

I'm moving storages so my room is a mess! I look like I should be in an episode of Hoarders. I literally only have one side of my bed. I have one straight line from the door to my bed. That reminds me, I have to rent a cargo truck.

For the next year, I wanna get a brand spankin' new car. I'm going to Vegas for a friend's birthday. I'm going to Cali for my family birthday party. I'm going to the Philippines for my ten-year highschool reunion. Speaking of which, I really really hope someone is planning it, because I miss my highschool friends.. and I miss the highschool me. The highschool me wanted to be a supermodel.

My ongoing joke with my friends is that my wedding date is 12.12.12, since it's my favorite number. Haha. Let's all find me a boy first, right?

By the way, a little confession: I am surrounded by family and friends getting engaged, getting married, having kids, and I can't help but be jealous a bit. In the past years, getting married and starting a family was something I thought about, but nothing concrete. Like a fairytale. But since my friend got married last year, and since it was the first wedding I've ever attended and I was even the bridesmaid, it's been a constant thought for me. I'm not talking about "Ooh, when I get married I want this, blah blah blah." Let's just say, I know where I wanna get married, where the reception is going to be, colors, theme, music, check, check, check. And to kid around with my friends, I tell them that all the guy has to do is show up and sign all the checks and papers.. and not to worry because I've already named our future kids.

Maybe I want it too much. Maybe I want someone to love and love me in return so bad that I have a nagging feeling at the back of my mind that it's never gonna happen. I don't wanna get married when I'm 35. Well, sure, they said that 30 is the new 20 and that's when we can fully live our lives as adults. When I find that guy for me, I don't want to be a stepmom to teenagers (baby mama drama is so tacky), nor do I want to be someone's second (maybe even third!) wife. I want to get married only once.

But at the rate that I'm going and sounding right now. No man's gonna want to date me since I have marriage on the mind. Isn't that a big no-no to eligible bachelors nowadays?

Life is a vicious cycle and I don't know where to get off.

Trapped

This entry might get a bit confusing so just roll with me, okay?

Lately, I've been feeling really trapped, hindered. Like I know I can do more, but things are just stopping me. Simple things. Like the fact that today is my day off and I have tons of things to do and yet I'm limited by my car. Since I've been driving around a barely-manageable car, I can literally go so far. And it sucks because my next day off would be four days from now, and I wouldn't even call it a day off because I've already set that date to move storages. So today would've been the perfect time to do my other errands.

On a slightly bigger picture, I hate the fact that I want to hang out with all these people that I miss and haven't hung out with in forever but time, money, and transportation forbids me to do so. When I become ballin', I will make it a point to allot more time to my friends. I miss quality time with quality people.. not to mention I've really been craving for some decent conversations.

And on the biggest picture of all, life. My mom would here and there send me picture messages of my sisters in California. The more she does that, the more I wish I was there with them. I mean, granted I don't want to live in the same roof because hello, I'm 26, I still want that feeling of home. Where I can see my sisters and take them shopping, or to the museums, or any random fun trip. They are just the cutest bunch ever and I miss them so much! And of course that feeling of a home-cooked meal when I come over for Sunday Family Dinner. I miss the feeling of "coming home, it's been a really long time since I've had that feeling.

For 2012, I want to get a zero-mile brand new car. I want to visit England. I want to go back home for my highschool reunion. And I want to go to California.

I'm itching so bad to get out of here. Out of this apartment, out of everything that I know here. I love it here. But that much-needed escape I should have taken two years ago is slowly creeping up on me. I need to get out of here.

I'm A Couch Potato

Last night was the Emmys. The place and time for celebrities to bust out with their "safe" ballgowns and accesories. Sofia Vergara stood out the most for me. She looked very sexy in her dress without having to show more skin. Plus I just love her.. and her accent. Cracked me up when she started saying how everyone's accents were weird. Haha.

If you're looking for a recap of what happened last night. Sorry, not here. Haha. Anyhoo, Modern Family took home five awards for that night and it makes me happy. I know a lot of gleeks out there are infuriated that Glee didn't win anything, It's okay guys, you'll get over it. I mean I'm a gleek too, but I guess I'll use that term loosely.

My most favorite part of the night was when they were announcing the nominees for the best lead female in a comedy series and all the lovely ladies walked up on stage as their names were called.. a la Miss Universe. Haha. If you haven't seen it, I'm sure Youtube videos of it started popping up as soon as that part of the show was over. The audience in that theatre (as us tv fans) didn't realize until the end that it was just a funny bit when they handed Melissa McCarthy a crown and bouquet together with her Emmy. One person however, didn't get the joke and the whole thing entirely went over her head. Click here.

Overall, I've realized one thing about myself. What with me name-calling every person (character/actor) I recognized during the show and screaming out almost-expletives, and getting frustrated that I couldn't tweet and I couldn't read anybody else's.. well, I've realized I'm a couch potato. Haha. I didn't realize I was into a **handful** of shows until last night. I'm now seriously contemplating on buying TiVo. Or will a regular DVR do? Which is better anyway? I even have a Hulu and Sidereel account so I can be practically up to date with my shows.

On that note, let me log in on my Sidereel and update my tv listings. :)