With Open Arms

I think I'm ready to embrace life. If you care to hear me out, then read on. Otherwise, don't mind me, if you know me well enough, I get these "High On Life" moods here and there so I try to take advantage of them and write down my positivity so I can read them again when I'm down.

Anyway, moving on.

I'm ready to move on to bigger and better things. Whether it's to replace old feelings, to forget about the past. I'm just so darn tootin' tired of this life that I wanna move on. I'm constantly struggling and fighting to be happy and I'm just ready to Just Be Happy.

I have amazing friends that will always be there for me. I've gained new friends that I'm just so happy about. I've spend my summer really well this year. All I need is someone to share my happiness and love with, but I know God has someone for me, I just have to wait REAAAALLLLLYYYY patiently for that person. I know it's gonna be worth it. I just have to keep doing what I'm good at, eliminate my shortcomings and weaknesses, and just go on. Keep fighting. I'm 26 years old. I don't want to be the last to get married, to be the oldest mom in a Parents-Teachers meeting. I wanna be a young urban professional.

And I'ma do just that.

The Race of the Parked Car

I am VERY competitive. But of course, I try to hide it. Because the only way I can push myself is if no one knows I'm competing with them, right? Haha! I know that reasoning is soooo faulty in so many levels, but Oh Well.

Just a little thought.

Everything Happens For A Reason, Right?

Quick blog.

For the past oh-so-many days, weeks, months I've worked Monday afternoons. But this week, for whatever reason, I was scheduled to work in the morning.

Dun dun dun.

What do you know.. I find out later that night that exie was in my apartment dropping by to say hi to JUST Roger.

BTW, Roger and Kuya Quartz thought it would be HILARIOUS to play it off that whatsherface was with exie and that she went in my room. I was LIVID!! But then I caught on to their stupid joke. Roger said he wanted to stop by and say hi since he was in the area.... so WHY OH WHY is she with him tagging along?? HAHAHA. After that, Roger dropped the act and admitted it was just exie who stopped by. And to that KQ went "Bitch" to Roger. Haha.

So yeah. I guess everything happens for a reason. I could've still been in the apartment when he came over but I'm sooooo glad I wasn't. I mean, I had no intention of playing nice, but I wasn't gonna give anyone the cold shoulder, I'm still human, and I still have a heart. I'm so over them both that I do not wanna be in the same place as them. I deserve an apology. I did NOT need to be shunned the way that I was. Especially from him. I like where I am in my life right now. I'm still struggling, but at least it's my own struggles, it's suffering caused by my own actions, not anyone else's. And whether I'm crying or I'm laughing, I know it's because of me.

This is it, I'm doing me booboo.

One Month's Worth of Epiphany

First off, I need to blog more. It obviously keeps me sane.

• I've been working really great hours at my job, and I'm loving it! I actually thought it was awesome I had to work 3 9-hour days that one week. Uh-oh. Does this mean I'm starting to become a workaholic? I don't mind it by the way, because I love my job (as meager my wages are), and the people are really awesome. I like the fact that only a handful of women work there. No drama.

• My friend N and I have been having a blast going out every weekend for more almost two months now. It is frickin' awesome! We go to sketchy dance clubs, local bars, the city, gay clubs, 24hour diners, club openings, birthday parties. It is such a blast! Plus it's the ultimate distraction. It's starting to make my way into my pockets but I guess it's all good. I told him that we're starting to be like Will and Grace.. a sexless marriage. Haha.

• As much as I just LOVE going out and having fun, whenever I come home, I can't help but feel a little bit scared. While some people my age are starting to look towards the direction of settling down, I feel like I'm nowhere near that goal. People around me tell me that I'm perfectly fine where I am at in my life. Enjoy it while it lasts, I'm still young. I'm just scared. I feel like, this going out part of me is always gonna be me. Half of me tells me that it's okay because it's who I am, but the other half is guilty doing it, that I probably should outgrow this phase already. Then I think about wishing that one day, I'd wake up and I'd grow out of it, and it scares me even more. The way that I live now is the way that I know how to live. That probably sounds confusing, but it makes sense to me. I can't let go of something that's me, but I do wanna settle down someday, have kids, all that crap. Haha. I'm torn.

• N invited me to a coworker's birthday party, and I thought I'd feel out of place and shy (yes, I'm super shy around strangers). But this crows was a blast to hang out with! They were all in there early- to mid-thirties, so they're young enough to still have fun but also old enough to know better. I actually, couldn't wait to be around their age (although of course I just wanna be young forever haha) and be as awesome as they are. I read somewhere before, thirty is the new twenty. And it's so true. I agree 100%. I wish that my friends now will still be my friends when I'm thirty. Then life will be a blast.

J, if we end up being roommates, we're not going out every night, right? -N.

• In contrast, I went to yet another college-town party last night with my friend T. The first college-town party T invited me to was so dumb and stupid and reckless and pretty much pointless.. not to mention they were serving Keystone Light, for crying out loud. People were playing beer pong with a door propped on bar stools, smell of weed or whatever in the air, teenagers nursing their drinks of choice: shots, handles, cheap beer. A four-bedroom student housing had AT LEAST 30 in there. This time around, the place was A LOT more mellow, obviously 21 and over, and not as dumb. I was hesitant to go because of my previous experience, but I wanted to do it for my friend 'coz she's my yes-man, and I should be her yes-man too. :)

• I need to conquer my top priorities right now: fixing my car up, and getting a second job. I'm crossing my fingers that everything else will fall into place afterwards. So far life has been a blast, and I thank my friends, my family, and of course My Homie Up Top for that. :))

:: Update ::

It's been two and a half weeks since I got my new old car. Everything is still the same except for the fact that I don't have to ask people for rides anymore. Let's see...

• My adopted little sister Maria celebrated her 21st birthday party and I told her I'd take her out. We went to Drink Nightclub in Schaumburg. Basically, it was the weirdest night ever. I couldn't find her and when I did, she was standing in one corner and crying on her boyfriend's shoulder, but she wouldn't tell me what's wrong. When we finally managed to make it to the dance floor, she and her boyfriend looked like their teeth were getting pulled. They looked in pain while in that dance floor. I get it, it's different from where they usually go dancing to, but I offered countless times that if they wanted to leave and go someplace else, we can leave anytime. I sorta felt bad, even though I didn't know what all that crying was about. But I rationalized that since she chose not to tell me what's wrong, I shouldn't have to babysit her feelings at all right? I wished the night couldn't gone differently, I wished Maria had a blast hanging out with me on her 21st.... but what can I do?
• I worked full time hours for a couple of weeks and it may sound weird but it was a frickin' blast!! I mean, it's work, right? But it surely beats hanging around the apartment, with nothing to do, and sometimes feeling awkward around your roommates.
• Speaking of roommates, my friend N, has been toying with the idea of moving out and getting an apartment, most probably sharing it with me. When he told me that, I got excited, because I get days when I really could not stand being in the apartment anymore. For practically the same amount that I pay now, I'd only be living with one person. The first two times I've lived on my own, I've never had roommates, I still prefer not having roommates. Too close for comfort, and familiarity breeds contempt. But I guess one roommate is waaaaay better than three adults, two kids. Haha, forrealz. Sometimes, when everyone's home,I feel left out, because I know I'm different from them. I don't know I can't explain it.
• For the past month, I've been going out every weekend with my partner-in-crime, N. It's soooo frickin' awesome!! And we go to places that we don't have to spend a lot of money. Haha. I mean, we're dancers more than we are drinkers so there's that. Plus the fact that it's really expensive to be a drinker when you go party in the city. I told him, "I've gone out with you more this last six months than I've had a date in two years (zero), that we're like Will and Grace.... a sexless marriage." Haha, well, N's gay so yeah.
• Lesson learned: I have a friend who contacted me and asked if he can borrow money from me because he's short. Without even questioning where it's going to, I lent him money and just told him he needs to pay me back a certain day so I can make my car payment. Now, I don't have a lot of money to spare. In fact, I have nothing. But in the last couple of years, I've been helped by the most amazing friends one can ever find, why not pay it forward right? Well, when the time he was supposed to pay me back, he asked for an extension so I had to shuffle money around so I can make my car payment. I told him I REAAAAALLLLY need that money by Monday because we gotta pay rent and I'll be short exactly that amount that he borrowed from me. He said he'll bring it at 11. He called half an hour before 11 to tell me he'll be there before 1230, before I leave for work. He didn't show up until I have to go for work, and I was already running late so I didn't turn in the rent until the next day and I had to suffer the $50 late fee!! This is the second time. The last time he borrowed money from me was when we were in school. And he couldn't pay me back, after I told him I need the money to buy books, so he offered to get me those books and it'll just be charged to his financial aid account. What can I do? This second time, he even had to write me a check out of his parents' checkbook for the money he owed me because he didn't have enough money to pay me back. I'm not trying to be mean, because obviously, I'm not where I'm supposed to be right now if not for the people who have helped me, and they've helped a lot more. It's just that I did try to help, but I can only help oh so much because of my resources, and this happens. Don't get me wrong, I still love the kid, I just probably stick to the money and friends mantra: Never put money between friendship unless you don't mind getting that money back.
• My friend from the Philippines who's temporarily living/working in Wisconsin is gonna come and visit me in two weekends!! I'm excited, haha! He's gonne come over Friday and leave Sunday, so I kinda made a tentative weekend plan of things to do in Chicago. I only hope we don't spend a lot of money. Hahaha!
• And on a really happy note, In three weeks, I've managed to lose and keep off 8lbs WOOHOO!!!! I'm not sure if that's a good or bad average, but I'm still glad. Being penniless has it's advantages haha!!