babble.

• i was cut off from the world since the day before christmas. fyi: pay your internet bills on time.
• i've had a fairly good christmas this year, family-wise that is.
• i received my christmas gift a a month and a half early, my laptop. so there was no excitement of ripping open wrappers and boxes. except for danny's gifts.
• i received a photo editing software from danny. i'm such a dork.
• ..and he gave me a brand new "oscillating" stand fan.. haha! apparently, the one i have been using is too loud, and too dusty. granted, he's the only one who's complaining. =D
• i went sledding with my sisters and danny on christmas night. fun!
• my portable hard drive which stores my personal files and music and beloved photos broke down and now it would cost me $512 and 2-5 weeks to have it repaired. that's if i come up with the funds soon. but not too soon.
• i'm starting to hate the sales part of my job. i'm having a hard time reaching my quota. the teller part, it's fun.
• i need to do chores, tons of them. but the cold weather makes me want to just cuddle under the blanket.
• scratch that.. what weather? rain in december?? last saturday was crazy spring feeling.
• i saw seven pounds at elgin fox with danny, monkey, bryn, and janelle. awesome movie. plus, it's will smith, come on.
• went to brunswicke for a quick arcarde fix and had a nightcap at bryn's house with our traditional weiners and buns.. and apples to apples!!
• saw the curious case of benjamin button at charlestowne mall on sunday. saw steve jansen and her sister so we sat with them. hmm.. i always see people unexpectedly in charlestowne on a sunday. *shrugs*
• did i mention my hard drive is broken?~!?~?!?
• i went to business accounts training today at schiller park. i missed my teller training classmates!! boo hoo. i still didn't get their numbers though.
• last night, after the movie and whatnot, danny and i just drove aimlessly. we each took a turn on saying left or right. otherwise, he'll just drive straight ahead. it was fun. we were just driving, and talking about life, past midnight-ish. hehe. st charles, carol stream, bartlett, streamwood, hanover park, schaumburg, hoffman estates.
• ..and the whole day was from spring hill mall to charlestowne mall to stratford mall to woodfield mall. haha.
• and we were watching good luck chuck on dvd. oh dane cook. haha.
• ooh and i saw sex and the city the movie. my favorite line? "it took 4 friends 3 days to pack 20 years in 38 boxes." i kinda miss having girlfriends. but that's a whole different blog.
• i'm kinda sad that my wisconsin dells plan with friends fell apart. more like they didn't feel like going anywhere.. *sniff* and i am SO dying to get away for a long weekend.. *sigh* great wolf lodge. and i already took the weekend off too. bleh.
• i still wanna get away!!

jaja

good morning world.

*sigh*

i usually have my alarm set at 630a, 7a, and 730a. but since it's been winter break and all and unless i need to wake up early for work, i really don't open my eyes until past 830a (and that's me considering it "late"). and the last time i woke up early was just this past sunday because i had to be at work by 730a.

but.

my manager decided to have a branch meeting TODAY at 630a for those who has not been reaching their account goals. (i need 5 more. wanna help out a friend and open a bank account?? =D) and i had to wake up at 530a at that. grr. and it was only me and three other people. others didn't even show up. hah! no fair. and then it only lasted for 30mins!! after the meeting, our manager decided to buy us breakfast at mcdonald's and now i'm home. (747a). now i'm all up and awake like a sunshiney person, thanks to my hot chocolate, and i have nothing to do until 3 or 4p, when i have to go to work. plus be able to bring in 2 accounts at the end of the day.

now.. what to do?
from the most mundane things to the.. whatever. i can't think.

clean my room
take a shower
blog (some more)
go online
finish wrapping presents
upload more songs in my itunes
upload songs to my ipod
upload photos
fold clean clothes
watch some more psych
read a book
find my name tag for work
finish wrapping presents
finish MAKING presents
clean out my car
..and wait til i feel sleepy again.

aaahhhhhhhh.

jaja

the world is freezing over

i stand corrected, but so far, this day has been the coldest winter i've experienced so far. (-10 degrees!!??) or was i just not paying any attention? but anyhoo, it was such an adventure from last night til today on just tolerating this crappy weather. ahh.

last night, my family and danny and i went to a hampton inn in skokie for a christmas party of a family friend. i was wearing a lovely dress, thanks to mother dear, and danny was looking spiffy as well. haha who says spiffy nowadays? and it was hardcore snowing and cold and slippery and danny and i convoyed with my family. and i may not have told him enough but i love him for driving in that bad weather last night, oh my god! his patience and is braveness(??is there such a word??) was just so awesome, especially considering the weather and how we both don't want to drive down 90 and he hates to convoy. pretty schweet!

and then i was all dolled up and actually wearing my snow boots coz it was cold. haha! and then when we got there, we got out of the car and me in my slinky knee high dress and boots, i was freezing up to my.. knees. haha. but yeah. and it was fun. danny won $15 for pole dancing on a bamboo stick!! so pinoy.

and after the party, we left the hotel with snow and wind literally whipping our faces. gah. it was terrible. and i was just so tired that danny let me fall asleep. even though i didn't want to. coz i have this thing where if he and i were driving somewhere, regardlessof how late or early it is, we both stay awake and navigate for each other, or even just stay awake and keep each other company. but he said it was totally fine for me to sleep coz i have work at 730am the next day. so that was pretty cool. (side note: small things like these really makes me love him more.. <3)

and then, i just slept over at his house and since i had to wake up really early to get my car from the church and warm it up and then drive to work, my wake up time was 6am. (hehe, but i woke up at 620a anyway..) and he woke up WITH me and drove me to my car and waited with me while i warmed up my car. he woke up at 630 for me!! it's hard enough for him to wake up when i try to wake him up at 1030. *googly eyes* haha.

and then of course i went to work from 730 til 3pm and it was cold at the branch!! sucks that the branch is right by the door and i was freezing. and i went home and ate a little bit and read a book and watched tv and went online and fell asleep and didn't wake up til 7pm. and even though i wanted to do something. it was just such a pain to bundle up and and drive somewhere when the wind is blowing all that snow away and the roads look like a scene from The Mist. ahh.

and now my manager wants me to go to a sales branch meeting tomorrow at 630 in the MORNING!! is she crazy?????? this sucks big time. good luck to me on waking up at 530a. sucks major balls man.

jaja

[insert tantrum here]

i don't feel like going to work today. i'm snowed in, and i have to drive to the bank and work?? if they are too snowed in to do transaction at the branch, why should i even go? waaaaaahhhhh!!

i'll end up drifting and fishtailing all over the place, with my knuckles all white from grabbing on to the wheel for dear life, and holding my breath the whole entire 30minute-ish (usually just ten) ride.

crap.

i already got invited to go ice skating. and snowballfighting. and i have to work.

today.
tomorrow.
on sunday.
and monday.
and tuesday.

ah crap.

busybee

*phew*

i have been in and out, up and down, here and there, and pretty much all over the place. i may be busy, but i don't think i'm stressed. except for that one time i showed up in school. here are the highlights of my past week.

wednesday.
i went to school with danny to grab my remaining stuff from the cpb office. and as we were trying to avoid a particular person, hard as we did, she still ended up catching me off guard. gah. now i would be forced to talk to her when i really didn't want to. or plan to. or whatever. and it just basically erupted into a confrontation (no, not the yelling kind) and bringing up of issues that i have long gone over with. and let's just say that's one less person to give or receive a christmas present from this holiday season. and it's funny because prior to that day that she intercepted me, i have been having stress-free days, mainly because i've been staying away from school.. and student life. i thought student life was a sanctuary, where i can be at my best. but after stepping away from the scene, i realized it was like a drug that was eating me up and i didn't even know it. i was drama-free and stress-free since i stopped showing up in student life and practically dwelling in it. and leave it to student life to hit me with drama the moment i walk through those doors. *sigh* it will never stop. the one time i showed up. der-RAH-ma!!

thursday.
i went to work as usual. and on my way to my car, i got a text message and a voicemail from boyfriend saying he wants me to go straight to steve and barry's and grab him a captain america shirt. but i have to be there before 7pm. so i was like, hoo-kay. and then when i got to the mall, i zeroed in on the area where they sell those cartoon hero shirts. and while i was looking around a low voice spoke from behind me asking me if i'm finding what i'm looking for. i turn around and i see boyfriend!! danny, oh danny. he surprised me, duh. i thought he'd be at work (it was 645pm) but i guess he took the day off. and he came to see me!! awwwwwww..

friday:
work, as usual. but instead of 12-5, i was asked to work from 7 am. and i was there until 4 fricking 30pm!! 9 and a half hours of standing up and stuff. gah. and then after work, i met up with danny coz it was, aherm, the 12th of course.. tee hee.. ^-^ and then he was not working that day too. so we went to stratford mall to just hang out and chill and do some christmas shopping. and then we decided to see "the day the earth stood still" which i think is the crappiest and stupidest movie i've seen in a long time. i can't believe i paid 8.50 for a ticket (student discounted) and a 3.50 bag of m&ms for that. and then we went to go on one of our mini-vacations *wink wink*. and all i can say is life is good. i don't want to go to any more detail about our 23rd month together.. hehe.. but all i know is life is good and i love him =D

saturday:
went to work. and then met up with danny to go to diana's graduation celebration at her house in elgin. we met up with old friends, which was a nice change of pace from the younger crowd. it was nice catching up with them and stuff. felt very grown-up..............ish. haha. and the funnest part was that on our way there, danny and i were just singing the 12 days of christmas at the top of our lungs. hehe. and then danny slept over at my house.

sunday:
and then while danny went to church and do his thang.. i was at home doing chores and whatnot. and then in the afternoon, we went to bryn's house to hang out and watch scrubs and catch up and stuff. it was fun. but the going home part sucked coz it was cold as hell!! uhm, that didn't make sense. cold as.. ice. lame. but anyway, yeah. and then danny slept over again. so funny, every morning, our dog shadow goes up to danny and bothers him.

monday:
and waking up to everyone going to school and work and such.. danny was bothered by shadow again. and then after some time, he left to go training with his client and i took sammie to school and went to work.




and now i'm here.
and i wanna watch scrubs.

ta ta!

jaja

undecided

i came here in the united states on the 12th of november 2004. meaning, i have gone through five winters already. and yet i am still undecided about my opinion towards winter. and snow.

i mean, i realized i was a winter dresser the moment i started gaining weight. haha. i love the feeling of walking on snow. making snow angels. making snowmen (i've only completed one ever). i've always wanted to learn how to snowboard (granted my lack of balance whether it's bike, rollerblades, skateboards, etc.). and i think ice skating is romantic.. a la serendipity *sigh* *bats eyelashes*.

but there's the perils of driving through a snowstormy weather. black ice *shudders*. and the lack of inspiration and motivation to dress up for a night out with friends. oh, and having your windows, doors, and keyholes frozen shut for the most part.

but snow IS beautiful. the way that it gracefully falls from the sky and delicately lands on the ground. the way that it falls in such a way that it makes me feel like life is happening in slow motion, and there's no need to rush. the way that everyone's faces light up when they see a pristine area of untouched snow and they are just giddy to jump on it. the way it makes everything and everyone look innocent, peaceful, even romantic. they way you just want to rush home knowing that there is warm soup, and a warm body waiting for you. the way that snow moves at it descends towards you as if dancing in silent rhythm. it is beautiful.

jaja

i'm lost. and this is my cry for help.

i don't know what's happening to me. why am i pushing family away. i haven't seen OR talked to my dad in almost four years. i feel vulnerable and i have my wall up. i feel empty and lost when it comes to family and i know that only i have the power to fix things. but i can't. it's probably my pride talking. i want a family. but i'm not letting me. i know that i'm not supposed to say that i don't have a family. coz i do. physically i do. talks about family and relatives, cousins, grandparents, father's day, mother's day. pictures. stories. adventures and misadventures. everytime i experience it, it crushes my heart. i want to have a family. i want my family back. but i can't. i may have done stuff that pushed them away. i may have given up on them because i thought they've given up on me. everyone is excited for the holidays but i'm dreading it. no one understands what i'm going through. i'm suffering but i can't make it obvious. i'm not a rock. i don't have a heart of stone. every mean things i've said and every judgement i've passed serves as a nail digging in my heart and it's there to stay. i want to be free from this suffering. i'm tired of crying. and carrying this burden. i'm screaming in silence. i wanna be heard but no one's listening. no one understands where i'm coming from. sure, other peopl have it worse. but for me, this is the MY worse. i just wanna be loved and not judged for my past. or present. or future. i just wanna be accepted. blood, last name. does it really matter if that is family. i want to love a family and be loved by a family. i want mine back. but it's too late. i can't take it back. i can't breathe, my heart is too full of hate and judgement and resentment. yet i'm empty. i just wanna be loved for who i am and regardless of what i've become. i am a devicais and yet i am no one. i can't do this anymore. i wanna say sorry but i can't. i feel like it's too late. i don't know where i'm going anymore. i know but i don't know. i lost my family in exchange for what? i'm sorry.. i'm so sorry.