Pride!

Oon my way to the chicago gay pride parade 2010.  

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.Dr. Seuss

It was raining cats and dogs this morning.. and super dark too. And then the sun decided to come out. (pun DEFINITELY intended).

Have a nice day!!

Angels?

Yesterday was a good day for me that I feel like I need to blog about it.

I tweeted this yesterday morning:

smiling and hoping that today will be a good day! :D10:13 AM Jun 24th via web from Elgin, IL
1.) My good friend Joyce messaged me something in FB that made me smile. Can't tell you guys what it's about. But it indeed made me smile! :D
2.) I was ringing up this mother-daughter customer at work and they both complimented me on my nails because they love the color purple. I giggled like a little girl on the inside. But I did say thank you! :D
3.) This middle-aged guy was waiting for something by the Parts window, next to my window (cashier), and he was bored so he started talking to me. A few minutes into the conversation, he complimented me on my tan and how it's really nice and that I have a "glowing tan". I thought I was getting too dark, what with swimming pretty much every other day. But the man complimenting me made me think, "Hey, maybe it's not that bad."
Yesterday also marked one week of my friend's passing. I know he's much happier now. :D
I know it's you, Nick. You still managed to make my day.. through other people. :D

The Clouds Are Amazing Today!

A really good friend passed away today. I've only known him maybe for a couple of years, but we became good friends late last year. He cheered me up and listen to me whine and complain and rant and vent when I was at such a low point. Random invitation to hang out with people at JB's, the local karaoke bar, even though I don't sing.. and neither did he. His Captain & Coke and whatever I have a taste for that night.He would randomly invite me to hang out at Steak 'n Shake in the middle of the night, throw frisbees and footballs in front of a 24hours gym. Cravings for eggrolls and bubble tea were satisfied with random trips to Chinatown.. yes in the middle of the night. He'd always pay too. Thanks for letting me mooch, kid.

It was so unexpected, he was so young. He's going to school AND just started a new job in the city. We made plans to go to Chinatown after he gets his paycheck.. and he was gonna cook french toast for me and some friends. Apparently he's really awesome with french toast, or so he said.

Yes, he can be annoying at times. But what twentysomething boy is not?

It was just too close to home, you know? First it was that celebrity, that person that a friend knows, a neighbor, an acquaintance. But a friend? It was in my own fence. It was a person I laughed with, joked around with, shared stories with, shared a hug with.

His passing taught me an age old lesson, I should've learned a long time ago. Tell the people you love that you love them before it's too late.

Him: Hey Jay (he'd call me vajanis, then vajayjay)
Me: Waza??
Him: love you.
Me: It always amuses me how easily you throw those three words around.. why?
Him: Nevermind.

And now he gave me the answer. Every night, he'd text a bunch of people, "What's going on tonight?" Half the time I blow him off because I'm too tired to hang out, or even to talk. Sometimes, I'd think, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to [insert plans here]." Just last Friday, he invited me over for a bonfire. All I told him was, "How are you throwing a bonfire when half the people are in Relay? Besides, I need to go home and sleep 'coz I have work in the morning. Plus, my ride's here." His reply? "You should've told me, I could've just given you a ride." And my thought process was, we're gonna go to Chinatown anyway, let's just wait. But I guess there's no chance for that now.

Study harder.
Dream bigger.
Talk nicer.
Laugh louder.
Smile sweeter.
Stand prouder.
Walk straighter.
Run faster.
Jump farther.
Fly higher.
Live fuller.
Love deeper.
Shine brighter.
..and most importantly, speak up like it's your last minute on Earth. Tell the people you love how important they are to you. How much they've affected your life, and how much you appreciate them in your life. And don't forget to thank them for letting you become a part of theirs.

Because you never know when God is going to call you home. And when that happens, you should've lived your life the way God intended for you to. With deep relationships, and deeper meaning.

When you were born, you cried, and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.

Thanks for the memories, kid.
You're right, the clouds are amazing today.

Playgrounds.

I wish I was still in kindergarten. The biggest drama in your life is trying to find out who stole your crayon. The ultimate surprise is opening your lunch box and your mommy packing you an extra cookie. The security that, like clockwork, you know when  it's time for recess, for nap, or for mommy or daddy to pick you up.

Growing up is taking it's ultimate toll on me. And I'm 25. You might think that I should've grown up years ago. My rebuttal is that I will always be a kid at heart, and I can't force myself to grow up. There is nothing at the finish line but death, so why not enjoy life while you can right?

But this past year and a half, I was thrown every lemon, and every rock, and every bread people can find. I also jumped over and stumbled over every hurdle that I ran into. And yet, I took it with faith that everything will be okay. Because if there is one thing that I have always felt sure of, it was clockwork. Court. Probation. Work. Payday. Off days. Hanging out with friends. Everything operates in clockwork. I have a planner, a calendar, a to-do-list, an alarm for every event. I can always count on things to happen. Relationships also operate like clockwork for me. But it seems that I can't hold on to a relationship long enough. Bestfriends, friends, family, relatives. All relationships that if not cracked, are already broken. But as long as I see that everyone else around me is okay, then I will be okay.

Let me tell you about my playground. I've never had a constant group of friends. But a year-ish ago, I found it. A mature enough yet fun enough group of people that each had their own personality.. and we all just meshed together. Every weekend, like clockwork, we hang out, we have our Sunday family dinners, we watch movies. Anything goes. Girls plan the evening while our beloved Wolf Pack work out and boost and challenge each other's ego. And since I have no family here, this is my family. And whoever messes with my family, gets it. I'm serious. These group of people is the most important people in my life right now. They have helped me beyond words. From breakups to losing jobs to cars breaking down to being penniless and no place to stay. They don't know it but they are the family that I don't have right now. We took care of each other and got each others' backs like we were all brothers and sisters. The seven of us ruled this playground.

Sure things change, but to me change means "more or less of what is already there." Change is not the disappearance of an emotion, of laughter, of a friend. Of family. And I'm sorry to be cliche but this is my Ohana right here. And to quote Lilo, "Ohana means family. Family means no one gets left behind."

But it seems that I gave more importance to these playmates than the rest of the team. I am holding them in the palm of my hand cherishing every experience I go through with them. But they're all ready to move on. And I'm stuck here. Alone. As always.

But what happens when something gets thrown off schedule or was cancelled, you ask. I say, if it does not work for me, as long as I can see it work for others, I have hope. I have faith. And what if those things around me that gives me hope.. fails? That when I start losing hope. That's when I start faltering. That's when I wish there is something else, somebody else, that will hold my hand, rub my back, and put me for a nap, telling me in a hushed voice, that everything will be okay when you wake up. Like in kindergarten.

But it's not. It never will be. Growing up sucks.

ThinkCrap.

I can't believe I haven't blogged in a month! You can just imagine how much crap I have going on inside my brain. Grr. I've been having ups and downs of my days. I'll update soon enough. Don't worry, I'm still alive.