screw you okay??

Okay. This really should not be a big deal to me, but it is, and so I need to vent. Big time.

Yesterday, I was reading some congressman's letter on this website I found and Molly and Nick were to my right doing Molly's paper on something. Out of nowhere, FrickinDavid walks in yelling "Shatner! Shatner! Shatner!", like he's cheering or something. They told him to be quiet because they're doing a paper and then I turned to him and made the "SSHH" sign. After a few seconds, he walked up behind Nick and started yelling "Shatner!" again. And then I turned around and gave him the "SSHH" sigh again, then Nick told him to be quiet. AND-frickin-THEN, FrickinDavid looks straight at me and says squarely, "Make me, Janis." All serious and shiznit.

That was it. I snapped. I snapped hardcore AND bigtime. I turned back around and started yelling my head off and wagging my finger and whatnot at FrickinDavid. I was all like, "How dare you talk to me like that. You have no right to speak to me that way. Here I am being nice to you and you're telling me I'm being rude by telling you to shut up when I never did. I am done. Make me? Make me, David? Go find yourself another friend coz I'm done." or something to that effect. And then I turned back around. And ignored him. And I plan on ignoring him for the rest of my life. Ugh.

He just exed himself on my list.

Screw you FrickinDavid.

jaja

is it selfish?

my sister is getting married. supposedly, it was for march 2010. but since she's so "excited" to get married, she insisted on having it sooner. so now, it was pushed for november of this year. four whole months early.

my mom and her family is moving to california at the end of may. that's pretty much the main reason why i got an apartment in the first place. they're moving because my mom can't pay for the mortgage anymore. my mom can't pay for the mortgage anymore because my stepdad decided to quit his job because he was treated unfairly when he requested for an emergency leave. YOU don't quit YOUR job because you were treated unfairly, because YOU have three mouths to feed, my mom just gave birth, AND you have mortgages, property taxes, and bills to pay.

i got into this huge mess some time in february. now i'm in big trouble. like, unimaginable deep shit. and because of this, i don't have a job. i have an apartment, utility bills, school, a lawyer, a car, and a cellphone. i don't have a job because i was fired. i was fired because of the stpupid thing that happened with stupid people that i thought were my friends. now, i have to pay my rent, my bills, tuition fees, lawyer fees, car payments, insurances, cellphone bill. and unless i have a friend with a trustfund and can throw at least 10 grand, i'm royally screwed.

a month ago, my grandma (my mom's mother) was hospitalized. now she has to do two dialysis sessions a week. and she keeps going back and forth in the hospital. now my mom has to send her at least $200 a week for her treatments.

oh, and did i mention my sister's getting married?

so now, my mom can't help me because she's the only provider in her family, her mother's sick, they have to go to the philippines, move to california AND help my sister with her wedding. and then there's me, her embarrassment of a daughter.

my sister can't help me because she's getting married, she has bills to pay, a luxury car to maintain, travel between her and matthew, and her shopping here and there. and then there's me, her embarrassment of a sister.

my other relatives can't help me because they have their hands full with helping my dad. and their other finances too. and the fact that i've come so close to cutting ties with them. and then there's me, their embarrassment of a cousin/niece/granddaughter.

my boyfriend can't help me because his hours were cut back, he's been applying for a CNA job, he doesn't have a lot of personal training clients, and he's already spent WAY too much money on me that i feel like i'm getting expensive for him and i don't want to do that to him because it's not fair for him because i'm not his burden (i shouldn't be anybody's burden), and he already helps me out with little stuff here and there like food, and gas, and emotional support that i just can't ask him for anything more. and then there's me, his embarrassment and failure of a girlfriend.

none of my friends can help me because they don't know what's going on. a.) i just can't tell anyone because it's embarrassing and i don't want them to lose respect for me. b.) i am not their burden or responsibility. c.) i'm not really supposed to tell anyone. and then there's me, they don't really know it, but i'm an embarrassment of a friend/leader/role model.

how did my life become such a failure? greed and mistrust of so-called friends. i let myself believe that there is "magic", that there is a quick solution to problems. and now, i have become the failure that i have always tried to avoid. i wish i can undo these mistakes, but it's too late. and no one can help me. however soft or loud my cries for help go, no one can help me. i want to turn my life around, to improve my life. but i can't. before i improve it, i have to go through this shit and fucked up life that is mine.

just shoot me now please.

jaja

tuesday

hmm.. it's only 11.51a and here's what's happened so far..

• i woke up way too early [read: before 8] and i decided to get ready for the day, even though i don't have anything BIG planned. ugh.
• after going through all that stuff, i decided i need not rush. so.. i went to finish my book.
• and off i go to school.. with nothing to do. so now i'm selling shirts. as usual.
• and i got 2 weeks free gym time from fitness 19. YAY-YUH! well, it's actually 2 1-week ones. so yeah. and hopefully i win the one month free gym time >> for being danny's girlfriend. HAHA!!

my laptop battery's dying. UGH.

jaja

Recently, I’ve been having this feeling that my brain is getting duller. I don’t know. Like, school is just not doing it for me anymore. I mean, I love going to school. For the most part, being surrounded by people and learning. But learning inside a classroom? No. Learning about life? Yes. I don’t want to learn how to dissect a frog, or to point out where the medulla oblongata is. I don’t want to differentiate mission from vision to core values. I don’t want to dive 5,205 by 243.4 and subtract that from 54 raised to 3. The answer is 157402.62 by the way. Although those things can be interesting, I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. I know people who are younger than me who already graduated college, who already have careers. I know people who are the same age as me who finished school, have their careers, have their houses, even families. But I’m Janis, I’m 24 and I’m still a nobody.
“I know who I am and what I can do. But I don’t know where to go.” This thought came across my mind when I went to a leadership symposium a couple of weeks ago. And I can say that “It sucks, man!”
So I’m thinking, what do people who don’t go to school do to sharpen their minds again? (Mind you, it sucks that my drive to get an associate’s degree, let alone a bachelor’s, has dwindled down a bit and I need to refocus and get back on track.)
So I’ve decided to feed my brain. I mean there will always be –ugh, my window’s open and there’s a motorcycle revving down the street for the past ten minutes and it’s annoying me!—arts and crafts to keep me sane. And there will always be school (because society AND family dictates that I go through). And there will always be intellectual conversations. But I need something else. Something new. Something to challenge my brain and sharpen my dulling mind.
You know that thing about shampoos? Apparently, you’re supposed to change your brand of shampoo every two weeks. Or at the very least alternate shampoo brands every two weeks. They said that your hair gets used to that one brand that its effect on your hair will not be as much. So you use another brand. And then you switch. Blah, blah, blah.
So with this whole feeding my brain thing. I’ve decided on reading more books, and watching more foreign films. I’m doing it. For the year of 2009 I will have read a lot of books and seen a lot of foreign movies that I will be smarter. Or at the very least, keep my brain from getting duller.

Here's my Reading List for the week:
(All from Meg Cabot)
Boy Meets Girl
Size 12 Is Not Fat
She Went All The Way?

Here's My Movie List for the week:
Slumdog Millionaire [check]
Cinema Paradiso
Off Side
Volver
Quinceanera
La Dolce Vita

jaja

weird....................... #2

So..

I was voted Vice President of the College Programming Board. And yet, yesterday, when we conducted our first member meeting with the new e-board, I felt like I was having an out of body experience. Why? I'm not used to being in charge of CPB. Like legally, actually in charge of the club. I'm used as the rebellious "I will stand up against you and defy you" member of the club. Now, I'm "the Establishment". I would actually HAVE to enforce the rules. Ugh.

Jaja

weird..............

So..

CPB had a novelty event today. We just had an arcade out by the Hub. We set up a couple of TVs with Wii Games, a plasma TV for Guitar Hero World Tour, and then an air hockey table off to one side (waaayyy away from TVs). But that's not the point of my blog.

It's this..

There were a bunch of dudes by the vending machine who were standing around on a circle and they were all holding lunch trays. And then they were passing around this crumpled coffee cup by hitting it using the trays. It's kinda like hackey sack but with a crumpled coffee cup and trays instead of feet. Or knees. Or elbows. I guess they weren't limber or coordinated enough to use appendages. Not That Appendage.

And the funny thing was..

From the looks of their faces, it looked like an intense game.

*shrugs*

Oh college kids.

Jaja

Movie List

So, have I ever mentioned I don’t have Internet and cable TV in my apartment? Nope? Okay, here goes: I don’t have Internet and cable TV in my apartment. Ugh. And it’s not because of an inability to pay for the bills and it was disconnected. I wish that it was, because that merely meant that I am capable of having one, but failed to be consistent. Nope, actually, I never had one to begin with. Since I moved in. So most of my “connections to the outside world” stuff happens outside my apartment: school and my mom’s house. And then on spring breaks and at times when school is closed, Panera. But a friend suggested Caribou. My reaction? Yay. Because I always feel obliged to buy more than a drink when I go to Panera.

Anyhoo, I seem to have gone sidetracked. My purpose in this rant is that since I don’t have Internet and cable TV at my apartment (and may I add I haven’t had service on my phone since a couple of days before my birthday last month, springbreak.) I have taken to watching and REwatching my DVDs. And since I haven’t bought any new DVDs in the past, oh I don’t know, a million years ago, my movies are kinda old.. not to mention I’ve seen them squillions (-thank you Rebecca Brandon nee Bloomwood) of times.

So, I’m sharing my movie list (which I’ve chosen from my “vast” DVD collection) for the week to anyone and everyone who reads my blog. And maybe, possibly, get a movie suggestion or two.

· Hollywood Homicide

· Material Girls

· Can’t Hardly Wait

· The Terminal

· Swimfan

· Almost Famous

· Matchstick Men

· Pretty In Pink

· The Forgotten

· Footloose

· Catch And Release

· Intolerable Cruelty

· Foxfire

· Mission: Impossible III

· Brokeback Mountain

· According To Spencer

· The Break-Up

· Hustle And Flow

· Charlotte’s Web

· Children Of Men

· Dane Cook: Vicious Circle

Off to eat breakfast!

Jaja

saturday

first off, i'm tryna change the stupid layout of my blog. and i can't. oh eff.

second, i'm hungry.

third, i'm waiting for mi madre and i don't know what time she's gonna get here.

fourth, i'm broke and i need a job. NOW.

ugh.

it's a nice day outside (read: i'm actually wearing flipflops and not freezing.) but i just wanna take a nap.

boo.

jaja.

best day of the semester.. so far.

Today was such a wonderful day that everyone just couldn't help but be outdoors! As it was, CPB and OLAS people dominated the Spartan Lake and the back of the Student Life office. At first we just wanted to play frisbee so we invited whoever we walked past on our way outside. And then before you know it, we forgot about the frisbee and started taking a whole lot of pictures: candid shots, jumping shots, rolling down the hill shots, dogpile shots, pyramid shots, even High School Musical shots. Haha! I had such an awesome time with the people that I was hanging out with today that we obviously totally forgot we were in school! Now I can't wait for summer time and hopefully get to hang out with everyone again. Hmm, let's see. Who was all there? Adrian, but he left after ten minutes. Me, Danny, Maria, Phyll, Denisse, Marisia, Ruben, Ivan, Jaime, Yesenia.

Ooh, and then there was a class going on somewhere at the top of the hill and the teacher was going to attempt and recreate half of the temperature of the sun (or something like that), and we all just randomly walked over there and observed with the other students of the class as well.

And, of course it wasn't over. We played a killer game of Spoons. It was so hilarious, I seriously almost peed my pants! We played at least three rounds, and everyone's hearts were racing and hand literally shaking because of WAY too much adrenaline. I don't think it helped at all that we were pretty much stuffing our mouths with cupcakes and cakes and chips and pop and salsa courtesy of OLAS. Haha.

Everyone pretty much agreed this was the best day of the semester. So far. Hehe. Now, everyone simply CANNOT wait for camping!! But then again, these people that were dominating Student Life today were the coolcats. Hopefully, the rest aren't lame. XD

alive.

yes, i'm still alive. ugh.

i've been busy. i CAN be busy.

danny's birhday, my birthday. CPB stuff. relay stuff.

stressSTRESSstressSTRESSstress.

i'm ranting. i'll blog later. forrealz.