Sometimes, I think I need help. Not even talking to a good friend can help me. I need help. I get so depressed sometimes that I honestly really do have suicidal thoughts. And no, I'm not being emo or overly dramatic or anything. Most of the time, I get so depressed that I just want to give up. But a part of me thinks that if I give up, all the help that people have given me will be useless. But how long will I have to live for other people? When will I live for myself?
I'm very alone, I'm very lonely. But I'm also very, very good at hiding these emotions and these tears. All I have to do is insert a smile here, quote an inspirational quote there, blog happy thoughts and then people will just leave me alone. I'm soooo tired of crying. Crying at night, crying whenever I see a happy family, a happy couple, a happy person. I'm not happy. My mom doesn't think I can do better that what I already have right now. My sister thinks I'm incapable of having a life as good as what the air force has given her. Apparently, since my life is a living shithole, I'm not even allowed to have fun with other people. I guess people like me really don't deserve to be happy. The person that I love gave me up too. Everyone around me is happy. I know other people have problems too. But I'm alone, I'm lonely, and people just don't understand how depressed I get sometimes. I just want to give up. But I'm so scared as to what's going to happen.
How many times do I cry at night because something made me sad? As much as I love my job, I have a crappy job. As much as I love my friends, everyone's coupled up that it's make me feel shittier that I already am. Everywhere I look, people have a reason to live. I hate the crappiness of my job, I hate not having a family, I hate not having someone to love, I hate not being loved, I hate the holidays, I hate that I'm not in school, I hate that I'm poor, I hate that no matter how much I scream for help my hands are empty.
I'm tired. I'm soooo fucking tired. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of being lonely, I'm tired of being useless, I'm tired of all this shit.
When something bad happens to me, I always think, "hey, at least I'm still alive." But what if being dead is easier?
I'm soooo done.
28 September 2010
22 September 2010
In A Glee State of Mind
- Sunshine’s Filipino accent was so thick it cracked me up. Not in a making-fun-of-you way.. more of the i-cant-believe-i-sound-like-that way.
- Rachel is way too skinny in this season. Her knees were very.. bony. And of course, there’s her cheeks, and her collarbone. I’m not sure about the bangs either. She still looks pretty anyway. Just different. I hope she doesn’t fall down the anorexic celebrity path.
- Kurt and Mercedes are glamazons as usual. I think their characters are the one that actually stayed consistent.
- Santana and Britany (sp?) are getting bigger and bigger, I mean role-wise. I love Brit’s dancing. And I have a girl crush on Santana. Plus I love her name. I think they should build storylines for them.
- I’m not so sure about Quinn. I think she’s really pretty but.. *shrug*.
- XOMG. Sam’s mouth?? I can’t stop looking at it. Not in a lustful way but in a Magic Eye kind of way. He reminded me of a REALLY blond John Mayer when he donned on the guitar.
- Artie-Tina-Mike. I can’t blame Tina for going after what she wanted. I mean, the lady wants to dance for chrissakes. And I’m not being judgmental against hadicapables, I’m just saying. Dancing Asians, how racist. Haha! Just kidding.
I guess I’ll just have to let it unfold. I’ll go watch the preview for the next episode but.. I hate having expectations.
Oh crap! I forgot about Puck.
- Puck was oh-so-hot as ever. But really, no highschooler looks like that.. or any of them for that matter. Haha!
Peace, Love, and Cupcakes,
Jaja
18 September 2010
God Bless The Broken Road.
So, yeah. I'm a sucker for love. I'm an incurable hopeless romantic. It's 4:10 in the morning and I can't sleep and I am now blogging, while (trying but not successfully) holding back tears.
I couldn't sleep so I decided to catch up on my Psych episodes. The episode "One, Maybe Two Ways Out" made me cry. Not so much as the concept of the episode. More like the Juliet-Shawn romance.
All throughout the whole series, Shawn has always had a special spot for Juliet. He's always loved her but she's always been.. unattainable, unreachable. They were never in the same page. This episode was not that different. Talk about tension man.
Anyway, in this particular episode, Shawn was opening up to Gus about his feelings for Juliet. He wants her to be happy, but he wants to be happy too. And he can't just be happy without Jules. That the whole time he had this "connection" with the spy lady, all he could think of was Jules. The whole time they were talking, Shawn must've forgotten that he was wired and that Jules was in the surveillance van listening. Everything clicked for Juliet and she realized that she did have this strong feelings for Shawn all along. At the end of the episode, Shawn was telling Jules to have fun on her vacation with her "boyfriend" because that's what you should do when you're on vacation.. enjoy it with someone that makes you happy. While Shawn was rambling on and on, Jules couldn't hold back anymore and she leaned in to give Shawn a long passionate kiss. Then of course, "boyfriend" showed up and there it is.
Did I mention I'm a sucker for such things? I've been in love. Once. And I went on trips and vacations and adventure with the person that made me laugh. Did it do me any good? I hope so. But I had my heart broken, and at times I think that all those good times are nothing compared to the pain that I went through. I lost bestfriend, which was the biggest deal of all. But do I give up and say, "Oh, Janis. Let it go. Don't ever love again. It doesn't exist. It's just an unreachable idea. You can be as close to it as possible, but you'll never really get there."
I have to admit.. sometimes I get to thinking that maybe people only get one chance. I got mine, adios, peace out. But I'm too scared to think that I will die without loving and being loved in return. I'd have notions that I should just give up trying to look for love because the first time it happened? I was in deep sh** that I thought I can never pick up the pieces. Right now, I'm walking around with the pieces in my pocket. I've slowly let people make me smile again. I want someone who will accept me for who I am, broken pieces and all. Maybe, they'll even have the patience to put me back together.
I know God has something big for me. I just know it.
I couldn't sleep so I decided to catch up on my Psych episodes. The episode "One, Maybe Two Ways Out" made me cry. Not so much as the concept of the episode. More like the Juliet-Shawn romance.
All throughout the whole series, Shawn has always had a special spot for Juliet. He's always loved her but she's always been.. unattainable, unreachable. They were never in the same page. This episode was not that different. Talk about tension man.
Anyway, in this particular episode, Shawn was opening up to Gus about his feelings for Juliet. He wants her to be happy, but he wants to be happy too. And he can't just be happy without Jules. That the whole time he had this "connection" with the spy lady, all he could think of was Jules. The whole time they were talking, Shawn must've forgotten that he was wired and that Jules was in the surveillance van listening. Everything clicked for Juliet and she realized that she did have this strong feelings for Shawn all along. At the end of the episode, Shawn was telling Jules to have fun on her vacation with her "boyfriend" because that's what you should do when you're on vacation.. enjoy it with someone that makes you happy. While Shawn was rambling on and on, Jules couldn't hold back anymore and she leaned in to give Shawn a long passionate kiss. Then of course, "boyfriend" showed up and there it is.
Did I mention I'm a sucker for such things? I've been in love. Once. And I went on trips and vacations and adventure with the person that made me laugh. Did it do me any good? I hope so. But I had my heart broken, and at times I think that all those good times are nothing compared to the pain that I went through. I lost bestfriend, which was the biggest deal of all. But do I give up and say, "Oh, Janis. Let it go. Don't ever love again. It doesn't exist. It's just an unreachable idea. You can be as close to it as possible, but you'll never really get there."
I have to admit.. sometimes I get to thinking that maybe people only get one chance. I got mine, adios, peace out. But I'm too scared to think that I will die without loving and being loved in return. I'd have notions that I should just give up trying to look for love because the first time it happened? I was in deep sh** that I thought I can never pick up the pieces. Right now, I'm walking around with the pieces in my pocket. I've slowly let people make me smile again. I want someone who will accept me for who I am, broken pieces and all. Maybe, they'll even have the patience to put me back together.
I know God has something big for me. I just know it.
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