Sudden.

Facebook. It can ruin your life, bring your grades down, get you really distracted, and kill time doing useless stuff. But think about it, without Facebook, you would not hear of news of long lost friends, of family, you would not meet new and interesting people. Facebook makes the world a smaller place to live in, it brings people closer together.

This may seem so unrelated but it's not. I was just on FB no more than a couple of minutes ago. And I heard of the news of my one schoolmate who passed away very recently, just last week actually. Granted, she probably doesn't even know me. She was just one of those popular girls in high school when I was in elementary. So really, I just know of her. She was barely 30. And the sad part is the irony. I went to look at her FB wall and indeed, I saw all these condolences and words of love for her.

What really made me sad was she also just recently gave birth, February I believe. So going through her wall comments, it went from "Congratulations, you're a mommy now!" to "I'm so shocked to hear the news, condolences to your family, you are going to be missed." I find it very ironic but at the same time makes me think that this is indeed the balance of like.Life and death comes hand and hand. A couple of years back, a very special person's grandmother died, and on that same day, we find out that our friend was pregnant. God does work in mysterious ways, huh?

There's one other thing that made me really sad though. We live our life by going through motions.

We wake up, we brush out teeth, eat breakfast, go to school or work. We answer phone calls, we reply to text messages, me meet up friends for lunch, or dinner, or to go clubbing.

We forward chain messages, we kiss our lovers, we hug our parents, we tell our kids we love them. We shop for basic necessities, we pay our taxes, we go out for drinks, we indulge in little luxuries.

We tweet, we tumbl, we blog, we change our FB statuses every couple hours (..or not even).

But do we ever stop and pause. And tell a person, ANY person, that we come across with, exactly how we feel about them? I mean, I know this is a cliche topic, and millions have written about it.. through stories, poetry, songs and whatnot. But I am thinking more than that. I'm not saying, you go tell that person you love them. Of course you should. Express it, say it, write a note. Anything.

But as I'm looking at this person's wall and all her FB messages of condolences, I can't help but wonder, "Will I never really find out who truly cares about me until after I die? And if so, how come it's too late?"

This is not the first time I've had these thoughts. Last year, I knew this one person who also passed away so suddenly. Everyone was surprised. Even the people who used to bully that person. I look at this person's wall here and there and you see words of love and gratitude. Including from people who used to be so dismissive, rude, bullying of this person. Is it guilt that compels us to become like this?

I don't want to die to find out what people really feel about me. I love words of affirmation. I need to be told that I'm important, that I'm significant, that I touched someone's life. That I am loved. Now. Not when I die.

So, I'm not going to name names, because you know who you are.

Thank you for being my savior. Thank you for teaching me about life, for teaching me how to be strong, for teaching me how to be happy, and how to love. Thank you for making me forget the bad things in my past and for looking forward to the happiness going my way. Thank you for loving me the way I've never been loved before. Thank you for letting me love you the way I was too scared to open my heart to anybody else. Thank you for showing me God, and showing me my family, and my life, and my future. I am who I am because of you.

Thank you for being blood. Thank you for your patience for me, regardless of whether I only give you headaches or not. Thank you for your tough love. It's hard to deal with sometimes, but I guess that's who we are. Thank you for always bailing me out and helping me out.

Thank you, little ones, for giving me a reason to smile every day. I may not know how to change diapers, but I know how to play with you and do arts and crafts and take walks to the park with you. Thank you for making me realize that it is up to me to make sure you grow up in a better world than mine. Thank you.

Thank you for your friendships. Thank you for not only being my friends, but being brothers and sisters to me. I am the oldest, and I never had anyone to look up to. No role models on how to act, how to dress up, how to think, how to be motivated. Thank you for being there through my bad times, and laughing with me through the good ones.

Thank you for having me. I did not have a perfect life, heck I still don't have a perfect life. But bringing me into this world, this kind of world, I'm glad. I would not have known my own strength and how far I can go if not for you guys. I have that shadow in my heart that I fear will never go away. But I'm motivated, I'm passionate, and I will tackle everything that blocks my path head-on. Because I am a stronger person because of you guys, and everyone that surrounds me. Thank you.

Thank you to you guys who have taken me in into your families. You are my friends, and your families are my families as well. I have more than enough moms, dads, sisters, and brothers than I can handle. It makes my life worth living. Thank you.

Thank you for being teachers and mentors. You have shown me my potential. You have shown me that you believe in me. And believing in me is more than what I can ask for. When I doubted myself, you saw the significance in what I can bring into this world. Thank you for the patience that you have given me, that I may learn some more and that I may believe in myself some more. Thank you. Without you, I am not me.

Now that I think about it, I have more gems than rocks. I just have to look at it in a different perspective. Don't wait until someone dies before you tell them not only you love them, but how much they mean to you. Let them know how much they changed your life, how much you love them, how much you appreciate them Tell them now, or forever hold your peace.

Misunderstood.

I am always known to jump the gun. Make random decision. Make it quick, make it haste! And so far, I'm still alive. What I don't get is that sometimes, I feel like the universe is conspiring to plot my very unfortunate demise. I don't know how to explain it. Hmm, Okay. Maybe something like this.

For example, it's one of those things where you come home from shopping because you found a hundred dollar bill on the floor of the women's washroom at the mall (so lucky!) and your dad tells you that he lost his hundred dollar bill on his way out the door this morning. How do you explain that?

Or you are talking to someone and uttered a phrase that was exactly the phrase that was uttered by another person that this person you're talking to spoke with earlier in the day, the week, whatever. How do you explain that?

Oh, universe. Stop making evilspawn and throwing them my way. I have troubles enough as it is. Boo.

<3 doe <3

At the end of the day.

Happiness at the expense of someone's misery, is not happiness.


I hope someone out there can feel every teardrop that I cried. So they know exactly where I am.
I hope that no one jumps into your life and takes the most important thing in your life.

All is fair in love and war. I don't believe in it, but apparently,everyone else does. I will never get it, but I should learn. Good girls do finish last. If they finish at all.

Putting others before yourself makes you a martyr.
I guess I should go stand in that line now.

Paranoia

What is wrong with me? Why am I being like this? I'm getting paranoid, stressed, restless, antsy, anxious. Something's wrong, something's up. Why do I feel like the world is plotting something against me. First, I have enemies, then frenemies, then friends. And everything in my life is a mishmash of everything and everyone.

My bestfriend became my boyfriend. His exgirfriend became my nonfriend. His friends became my friends. My sister became my worst critic. His family became my family. My boyfriend became my former boyfriend. My former boyfriend's friends became my nonfriends. My former boyfriend's friend became his new girl. His ex girlfriend became my friend. Some of my former boyfriend's friends became my nonfriends. Some continued to be my friends. His family became my nonfamily. My friends are now friends with the new girl. The new girl's bestfriends wants to be friends with me. Everyone wants to be friends with everyone. And everyone doesn't want anything to do with me.

I seriously have a really bad case of paranoia and stress and anxiety. Throw in a little depression.

I need a good-paying job so I can hire a shrink who'll eat all my money away.

Drowning

Why do I feel like I'm drowning? This is getting all too much for me. How come I feel like I'm gaining frenemies?  Everywhere I look, she's there now. I want to cry so bad. But I'm not allowed to. But wait, why am I not allowed to express my emotions? Why am I not allowed to pour my heart out? Why am I not allowed to go after those that mean to me the most? Why are people telling me how to feel? How to act?

I want my nightmares to go away. I want to be able to smile for real again. I want to be able to see a smiling face that means the world to me, the one that will make the rain go away. For good. I want to wake up and see a familiar face. All I see is her. In my friends' faces, in the places that mean a lot to me, in every corner, every song, every spoken word, everything. All I see is her. I want my life back. I want my happiness back. I want my love back. I want to broken pieces back together. I need it. I'm hanging on for dear life. And who's hand am I holding on to? I don't even know anymore.

Change

What do you do when the things you believe the most, those things that you hold on to, those things that keep you sane and hopeful and alive, falter?

Like role models.

Like heroes.

Like love.

What do you do to hold on?

Or where to do you to find something to hold on to?