Hello, Monday. It's been a while since I've poured my heart out. Here goes..
It's 943a and I've been in a very broody mood since Friday night and I think I'm going to be in this phase for a while. Let me backtrack.
I was free the whole day on Friday and all I did was knit and watch movies and tv shows online. Well, I did do my chores here and there. When I finally found the energy to leave the house, I spent more than an hour at Walmart for some grocery shopping. When I came home, I tried this new recipe for dinner. I ate dinner and then I went back to knitting.
I got a text message from a friend inviting me to hang out with them at a local karaoke bar. After karaoke, we went dancing in a different place, then returned to the karaoke bar for a nightcap. But since we didn't wanna go home yet, my friend Noah and I decided to crash J-Ho's house and we stayed there until almost 6am watching horror movies. I came home at 6a and I only had an hour and a half to sleep/get ready because I was scheduled to work at 8a. So what did I do? I plopped down on my bed for half an hour, put myself together, made breakfast and lunch and sped on to work. Yes, I went to work with my clothes from the day before. I pretty much did the walk of shame without the obligatory shameless deed.
Right after work, I went with my friend to pick up something in Bensenville. When we came back to her house, we watched a movie, but since I was running on half an hour of sleep, I just crashed at her place. The next morning, I woke up at 7a, snuck out of her house, stopped by Meijer, bought a hair dye and went home.
And then it was a Sunday at home. I cooked breakfast, I made a salad and some new chicken recip for dinner, I worked out, I watched a movie with my roommates and their cousins, I knitted, I went online, I knitted again, a couple of friends stopped by so we chatted for a little bit, I had to give one of my friends a ride home, I knitted some more, I moped and moaned and whined and groaned because I couldn't connect to the internet, and when I was finally able to, I watched more shows online while knitting, then I fell asleep.
Wait, that doesn't explain my brooding mood. Actually it did. The point being is that I did all these stuff over the weekend (and mind you, it was the two extremes of a potentially single girl: setting up for a lonely future by doing indoorsy stuff, and setting up for a lonely future by wildin' out until the sun rises), but it all seem like a blur to me. It's because of one news that although I'm very happy about, it just makes me feel more sad, and alone, and lonely. You see, my friend got engaged.
She went on vacation and her boyfriend of about five years proposed to her, and I'm guessing he did it within the lovely beaches of Boracay. I'm really happy for her, it's about damn time.
But from last year until this very second, I've had friends who started dating, friends who moved in with their significant others, friends who got engaged, friends who got married, friends who had babies. It's not a happy feeling at the pit of my stomach you know?
The world is spinning around and I'm stuck in one spot. Life is passing me by, and before you know it, I'd be the friend everyone asks to babysit their kids because they have to a.) do errands, b.) they have prior commitments, or c.) they're going out (as a couple or as a group, doesn't really matter). And my little old lonely ass have nothing better to do than watch reruns of my favorite shows while I knit little cute outfits for my friends' babies.
I don't want to be alone, I don't want to die alone. I want to love at least one more time before I check out of this lifetime. I want to be loved one more time. And as a side note, I wanna feel how it would be like to be treated like a princess, like I'm the only one.
Everything was a mishmash of heartaches, tears, loneliness and fake laughter and happiness all throughout last year. I've had friends tell me I should move on, get over him. But a handful of friends who understood me told me to take my time, because it will always be him until there's someone else.
Maybe there's someone else. I've actually made an effort to be happier since the new year came along. I met a new friend. I think he's really nice and he seem like a very decent person (but then that's what the last one said he was too, until he decided to cut me off his life. FYI: real friends don't cut each other from their lives, real friends accept what the other person can give, because no one is perfect). Anyway, let's reel it back in shall we? This guy, he looks and sounds very smart, and God only knows I'm attracted to sense of humor and intelligence. I'm not the smartest kid around, but you gotta learn to at the very least spell, okay? Nothing irks me more than misspelled words.
But right now I'm on the fence. I don't know what to do, or what's going on. I'm so scared of disappointment and rejection and getting hurt again that at this rate, I don't feel like I should even complain about being alone and lonely. What's important though is that this person has given me a reason to smile.. not everyday, just when "he's there". And he doesn't even know it. He did do one thing really nice that I just can't help smile every time I think about it.
