Chicago

I miss Chicago.

First off, I'm saying Chicago instead of Illinois because Apparently, to the rest of the world (or the US at least), nothing exists outside of Chicago (or Springfield). So everytime, I say I'm from Illinois, people ask "Where, Chicago?" and I got tired of explaining so I just say yes.

Anyway, I miss Chicago.

I miss good cheap coffee from Dunkin Donuts.
I miss the convenience of Popeye's from down the street.
I miss having people to go out dancing with.
I miss the big beautiful city that is, aherm, Chicago.
I miss Portillo's.
I miss my job, and my super-awesome co-workers.
I miss my shoes. And my dresses. And my books. And my sewing machine. And my printer.
I miss my roommates. Our loud conversations, our stupid jokes, our meals together.
I miss my friends. Our ability to be stupid together, and be awesome together. Our inside jokes, our experiences, our stories, our intertwined lives.
I miss my adopted family. Everyone that has treated me as part of their family.
I miss Chicago.

I'm happy to be with my sisters and my mom and the rest of my family and relatives. Is sunshine good for the soul? Because in the past month (ish) that I've been here, I haven't felt sad or miserable. Well, there was that one time that my sister said something mean and it made me cry, I just didn't tell her. But other than that, I have sisters who manage to make me smile. The way they knock on my door and ask for help, or they just barge in and rummage through my closet. Or when they run straight to my room when they come home from school and they tell me what happened during the day. I love it.

I love being part of a team here. But I also love how I tried (and struggled) to live on my own there. I miss my friends so much. But I'm also happy here, right now. I wish I can have both worlds with me. But for now, I'm just mowing forward in this journey.

Almost A Month....

It's been almost a month since I last blogged here. WAAAAY too many things have happened. This is what happened when I procrastinate blogging. All my thoughts, adventures, rants, musings, etc get all jumbled up in my head that instead of sorting it out, I just ignore it.

• I've hung out with old ECC friends and I missed them badly.
• I've celebrated my birthday a week early with one of my really close friends and I got to meet his boyfriend and I was so flattered coz he's never introduced anybody before.
• One of my good friends came home for her spring break and she helped me pack my stuff and it was such a big help, I appreciated it so much.
• I hung out one on one with a lot of people, and it's making me miss them all so much right now.
• I had one of my close friends get mad at me, to the point where I thought we were on our way to bestfriendship but I did a really shitty thing so now I'm not sure I can have what we had back.
• My adopted family threw a party for me before I left. My heart swelled with so much love for them, I had tears. Seriously.
• My last day at work was bittersweet. I, without a doubt, loved working there. 100% no bullshit. It was a relief to leave just because I feel like I deserved a vacation from my normal life. But I loved everyone there and I actually miss them.
• I miss tF. I didn't say goodbye to him and I'm so dumb. I wish I treated him more like a friend than my boss. It would've been nice to have been friends with him. -gah- I miss him.
• I spent the day in Chicago with a couple of friends and it was the most fun ever. I took tons of photos, explored parts of the city I've never seen (or only saw from afar or for a couple of minutes). I love the city and I can't wait to see it again.
• My friends and I finally got to go on our much awaited mini roadtrip to Springfield. I am such a museum nerd, it's not even funny. That was my third time going to the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Museum but it's always fun. And I got to see the Lincoln home this time too.
• My roommate/close friend KC and I had a crying session the day I left. It was the first time we've ever done that. Thinking about it makes me cry all the time. She was the only one who showed me emotions like that. Darn, I'm crying again.
• ....and then of course I left Chicago. 
• ....and I'm in LA!!!!
• The plane ride was bumpy and space was cramped. But that's Spirit Airlines for you.
• Then I got to see my mom and my four younger sisters and it made my heart happy ever since. I mean granted, they do annoy me here and there but that's me being the oldest sister of a 24, 13, 8, and 4 y/o.
• For my birthday weekend, my mom, stepdad, and 2 youngest sisters drove 8+ hours to the northern part of Cali so I can see my 24 y/o sister who's in the USAF and my relatives living in the Bay area.
• Today marks the two weeks I've been here in CA. I've taken tons of pictures, of course. Nothing big happens though since I have no car and job yet. We'd visit places here and there, we did go to Newport Beach over the weekend and that made me so happy I was practically exploding out of my skin, So I've been spending most of my time tagging my photos and blogging. I feel like I am on vacation though. Now, if I can just haul ass and start working out.

Deserving

I can say I have a lot of friends. Some good, some better, but nobody has come close enough to be called the best. But it's nobody's fault. After losing a bestfriend, I've been scared to let people in. In my mind, people will do things that will disappoint you over and over, and if you regard that title to those people, you're setting yourself up to be heartbroken. I've lost a bestfriend and I don't think I can go through that heartache again. I love all my friends, I really do. I have a handful of the best closest friends ever, but somehow I still find myself alone at night. Like, there's nobody there for me. I'm sure that all my friends love me just the same, but I'm just so broken and burdened with baggage that I'm just too, too scared.

But what if you meet someone that wants to be friends with you in the sincerest form? What if you meet someone who wants to put the effort and the trouble and go out of their way to get to know you, hang out with you, treat you right, and make you feel that they'll be there for you and actually mean it?

I have this one friend, and we've started being friends just a couple of years ago. I've known him for a little over five years now but we've only become closer friends just recently, I'd say over the past six-ish months(?). Anyway, he is such a nice person. He's a gentleman, he'd kind, but he's honest, he's real. He makes me feel that my life matters too (if that even makes sense). I mean, I can't help it that I'm a pushover sometimes, but he makes me feel that I can be heard. I can't really explain it, but he makes me feel like I matter and that's all that I can say.

I mentioned to him that I've been contemplating about moving to California. He asked why. I told him that I feel like I need a change of pace, because I'm tired of trying. He asks, "Trying of what?". I said, "Trying to make it." He stops and looks at me, and tells me, "We just started hanging out and now you wanna leave? That's it, I'm going home." And we just both cracked up. But in my mind, I was really touched you know? A few weeks back, I had mentioned to a couple of friends that I might be going away for a while, and they said, "But who's gonna cover your share of the rent?" Apparently, they're joking. But jokes are always half meant.

So of course now I'm creating a totally unnecessary moral dilemma for myself. I really, really want this friendship to work out. But I'm too scared to let people in, did I mention that? I feel like, he's been sent to fix me, and that when I'm not broken anymore, he's gonna up and leave, just like all the other people that mattered in my life. He's such a good person that I feel like I don't deserve him, that being friends with him will come with a price, and I won't know when I need to pay up.

We were talking and we talked about how I feel obligated to some friends and why I feel that way. He said, "That's why I let you pick what we do, is because I know how people treat you and that's not right.." Then he looked at me and said, "I hope you don't ever feel obligated to be friends with me."

I should stop now. I'm just gonna end up jinxing stuff up some more. With my bad luck streak, I'll probably mess this up too. I just wish that he'd be strong enough to stick around and be friends with the fucking emotional mess that I am.

Thanks, Prime Factor.

Good Morning with a Cup of Tea.

I am not as crabby today as I was the last few days. To that I thank my very productive and fulfilling day yesterday.

Yesterday was my day off and I had a lot of things that needed to be taken care of. I borrowed my friend's friend's SUV (nope, I didn't stutter), because my own mode of transportation isn't so great with long drives. I  made a list of what I had to do, in itinerary form so I don't miss anything.

To sum it up, this is what I did in sixteen hours:

Packed at storage 1. Got breakfast. Read at the park while waiting to go to work. Went to work. Signed up for storage 2. Unpacked at storage 2. Pack at apartment. Unpack at storage 2. Drop off hard drive at friend's work. Pack and close storage 1. Unpack at storage two. Drop off defective phone at mailbox. Go to grocery. Got a good shopping deal at the mall. Had cellphone fixed. Loaded the dishwasher at apartment. Went to Latin Heat workout class at gym with friends. Had dinner with friends.

Hence, the productiveness. Mind you, it's really hard to load and unload boxes upon boxes of stuff when I'm doing it all by myself. But I felt pretty great about it.

Moving on.
Little stories about yesterday.

The weather was crazy yesterday! At one point, I drove through literally ten feet of rain clouds, because it was just darn sunny on the other end of it. Then there'd be heavy gusts of wind that the automatic doors at the storage would detect it and it'd open and it'd creep me out.

My friend Robbdizzle texted me that a really strong gust of wind came and a lightpole fell on a Chrysler van at his work. Crazy! I told him to take a picture and he said his manager was giving him dirty looks, but he did anyway and sent me the pic. Haha.

There was a line at the cellphone kiosk, so instead of waiting I stopped by Charlotte Russe and saw that they had a poster of that "Text blah to ##### for a chance to win blah blah blah". I texted, because I get messages from them about discounts and special deals. This time it said, "You entered the raffle to win blah blah blah. Here's a $5 shopping pass, show to cashier. Blah blah." Score! I walked in and saw they had a lot of things on sale. I got a see-through lace sleeveless top, a leopard print cowlneck tunic top, and gray suede booties all for $13. SUPER FRICKIN SCORE!

24.99
4.99
3.52

16.99
4.99
3.52

29.99
6.99
4.93

Plus my $5 shopping pass?? I couldn't have been a happier girl. :)

I went to the cellphone store for the second time in two weeks because the replacement phone they gave me had something else wrong with it. The guy remembered me and said he'll just order me another one anyway. Unfortunately, he thinks that they may have discontinued the white myTouch and that they might end up giving me a different phone, which is the upgrade of the myTouch bar that I have, which is the one with the slide-out keyboard of course. I'm like, hell frickin yeah!! I really wanted a keyboard phone but I also couldn't wait to get an upgrade so I settled with the bar. Two months later, they come up with the keyboard myTouch. Now I MAY end up getting the keyboard one, which is basically like an upgrade but without the upgrade fees!! *pumpsfists*

And then of course, Dee wanted me to go with her to the Latin Heat class at the gym, but I'm obviously not a member. But I got in anyway. I was in ninja mode. Haha. So I got a free work out and it was awesome! There was a lot of booty-shaking in that class, mostly by me and the other Filipino girl (aside from the instructor of course).

All in all, it was a very good day. Now let's get this sickness over with and I should be set for tomorrow. Between Dee's niece's sweet 16, signing insurances with the apparently cute State Farm guy, and Girls Night Out, I need all the good vibes that I can get.

Peace out! :))

Bring It On, Life.

The last couple of weeks have been really packed with life and lessons for me. I don't even know where to start. Let me try..

• My car had died in the middle of the road late one night and I was trying to figure out what to do when two dudes pulled over to the side and offered to help me. My first thought was, "Holy crap, this is a Law and Order SVU waiting to happen!! Run!!". But after a couple of minutes, something just came over me and my mind pretty much just went "I will leave it all up to God. Whatever happens, happens." Afther they've helped me push my car to an empty parking lot, they left while i waited for my roommates to rescue me. I felt guilty I judged those two guys. With their towering heights, bulky built, baggy clothes and raggedy car, I couldn't help but get scared. I mean, I've seen ALL SVU episodes to know that the world is a cruel, cruel world.
• In a span of less than 24 hours, I have managed to slice my finger (with a knife) and my heel (with a broken glass). Mind you, both cuts were I'd say 3cms long and 3/4 of a cm deep. Just saying.
• I got a job interview and they actually offered me the job so yay for me!
• A friend passed away and I attended his service a week after. I was shocked to the point that I refused to accept how it happened, why it happened. But things happened throughout the week that made it easier for me. I think Matt helped.
• During the funeral service, I've seen people I haven't seen in such a long time. Some I've become estranged to, some I've missed more than others. Altogether, I've convinced myself that I should, in one way or another, try annd fix (and maintain) these relationships because you never know when it's gonna be too late. It may be a cliche, but it's true.
• We are hiring two positions at work and I'm going to be training them!! I feel that seniority coming in, and I'm kinda excited. Of course, all advancements have responsibilities attached to them. I'm kinda nervous because I'm just not good with failure. But bottomline is, I'm already 26 years old, and even though people say I'm still young and there's still time, I have no time to redo my life. I can't go back to the beginning. Onward-bound ho!
• I've noticed that I'm starting to become more comfortable about myself. My personality, my body, my strengths and weaknesses. Even this whole single status thing doesn't bother me as much anymore. Something came over me and I don't know what, but I'm very thankful for it.

I think that is it for now. I'm about to run errands and maybe I'll think of something else to write about. Peace out!

Everything Happens For A Reason, Right?

Quick blog.

For the past oh-so-many days, weeks, months I've worked Monday afternoons. But this week, for whatever reason, I was scheduled to work in the morning.

Dun dun dun.

What do you know.. I find out later that night that exie was in my apartment dropping by to say hi to JUST Roger.

BTW, Roger and Kuya Quartz thought it would be HILARIOUS to play it off that whatsherface was with exie and that she went in my room. I was LIVID!! But then I caught on to their stupid joke. Roger said he wanted to stop by and say hi since he was in the area.... so WHY OH WHY is she with him tagging along?? HAHAHA. After that, Roger dropped the act and admitted it was just exie who stopped by. And to that KQ went "Bitch" to Roger. Haha.

So yeah. I guess everything happens for a reason. I could've still been in the apartment when he came over but I'm sooooo glad I wasn't. I mean, I had no intention of playing nice, but I wasn't gonna give anyone the cold shoulder, I'm still human, and I still have a heart. I'm so over them both that I do not wanna be in the same place as them. I deserve an apology. I did NOT need to be shunned the way that I was. Especially from him. I like where I am in my life right now. I'm still struggling, but at least it's my own struggles, it's suffering caused by my own actions, not anyone else's. And whether I'm crying or I'm laughing, I know it's because of me.

This is it, I'm doing me booboo.

Round Two To Life!

Yay!!!! After a year and a half of suffering, I have a car again!! WOOHOO!!!! I'm so frickin happy!! But of course, I'm still holding my breath. Until I've had this new old car "diagnosed" and I have an OK that it will run decently and won't fail me.. I'm just gonna be here holding my breath. :D

I am really happy though. No more "I don't have a ride" phrases. No more of the "I can't go anywhere because I don't have a car" excuse. I'm not at the mercy of a another driver's time and availability. I'm FREEEE!!

Well, not really. Like what I've said before, having a car will open doors for me to improve my life, and no I'm not even being overly dramatic. I can FINALLY get a second job, I can FINALLY complete my community service, I can FINALLY go to school, I can FINALLY be in charge of my time, and my life.

And before I get ahead of myself, I would like to thank EVERYONE, and I mean super EVERYONE who has EVER EVER EVER given me a ride somewhere. You guys we picked me up on a way to a party, a night out, anything. You guys who had to wake up early to give me a ride to work and then go back home to sleep. You guys who had to drop me off at someone's house, who have to let me borrow their cars for the time being, for the day, for the week. You guys who had to drop whatever you're in the middle of just to pick me up (shout out to my roommate Kuya Quartz for leaving in the middle of "doing it" -nojoke- because he almost forgot to pick me up).You guys who had to rearrange your schedules so you can fit me in. THANK YOU SO MUCH WITH ALL MY LIFE AND ALL MY LOVE! I wish that someday, sometime, I will be able to repay you for all the trouble and inconvenience I have ever brought. YOU GUYS ROCK!! GOD BLESS!!

INXS: I will get my life together and make it better, because you guys have helped me and I will not fail you. :D