The Name Game

My heart still breaks everytime I hear your name.
And I would rather have that.
Than to never hear your name again.

My love forever.

Kung Ako Nalang Sana. ♥

Heto ka na naman kumakatok sa'king pintuan
Muling naghahanap ng makakausap
At heto naman ako nakikinig sa mga kwento mong paulit-ulit lang
Nagtitiis kahit nasasaktan

Ewan ko bakit ba hindi ka pa nadadala
Hindi ba't kailan lang nang ika'y iwanan nya
At ewan ko nga sa'yo parang balewala ang puso ko
Ano nga bang meron siya na sa akin ay 'di mo makita

Chorus:
Kung ako na lang sana ang 'yong minahal
'Di ka na muling mag-iisa
Kung ako na lang sana ang 'yong minahal
'Di ka na muling luluha pa
'Di ka na mangangailangan pang humanap ng iba
Narito ang puso ko naghihintay lamang sa'yo

Heto pa rin ako, umaasang ang puso mo
Baka sakali pang ito'y magbago
Narito lang ako kasama mo buong buhay mo
Ang kulang na lang mahalin mo rin akong lubusan

Kung ako na lang sana ang yong minahal
Di ka na muling mag-iisa
Kung ako na lang sana ang yong minahal
Di ka na muling luluha pa
Di ka na mangangailangan pang humanap ng iba
Narito ang puso ko naghihintay lamang sayo
Kung ako na lang sana...

Oooo...
Kung ako na lang sana ang yong minahal
Di ka na muling mag-iisa
Kung ako na lang sana ang yong minahal
Di ka na muling luluha pa
Di ka na mangangailangan pang humanap ng iba
Narito ang puso ko naghihintay lamang sayo
Kung ako na lang sana...

(what a way to start my night. all i want, more than ever, is to be in the arms of the person that i gave my heart to. the heart wants what the heart wants, and needs.)

No Holds Barred. Uncensored.

Part I

It's been 189 days since I stopped being his and he stopped being mine. Actually, he's still in my heart. He will always have the biggest part of me. Just thinking and feeling all these is so overwhelming that I think I'm going to cry. It's been half a year since my heart broke, and though my heart is still in pieces, it surprises me that I can still love him like this as if it was the first time I realized I loved him.. with all the pieces of my heart. Each day feels like a month, a month a year.. and I feel like I've been trudging on deep waters in slow motion for forever. It's still hard for me to breathe. It's still hard for me to smile. It's still hard for me to listen to songs. And the funny thing is, I started classifying songs as pre-Janis and post-Janis. And either way I look at it, it's hard to listen to them.

He was the best thing that happened to me and I know that I, him. The life we shared together was something I never imagined I can ever deserve. But I know that God made him a part of my life for a reason. Like what I have always said, "I must have done something right.."

Cliche as it may sound, I love him so much it hurts. Whenever he comes around, I am always so thankful and happy and appreciative. I take in every part of him. Because God only knows when the next time I will see his  beautiful smile again.

I would look at him and he is still the Danny that I know and love. He is still the man that loved me for who I am and loved my family even more, expecially, when I didn't know how. The simple things like, handing him a plate, or serving him dinner, or throwing a blanket over him when he falls asleep on the couch or the floor. To this he would say, "You still take care of me." And punctuate it with that musing smile. Little things like that still make my heart swell with pride. For I never really asked a lot from him. Just his loving, caring, sweet nature that is Danny.

A hug that I have not felt in such a long time, I thought that I'd have forgotten what that felt like. But I remembered, he made me remember. As he offered me a hug from out of nowhere, all these emotions came flooding back and I remember. I remember everything. And like a Lego piece, I still fit in that niche as if I still belonged there.

In God's time, and in God's will.

I love you.

It's The Little Things That I've Learned To Appreciate.

First off, it's hard to write this blog when I have a dinosaur headache pounding on my skull. -ugh-

Anyhoo, I had a surprisingly awesome weekend. Nowadays, actually for the past half year (wow, it's been half a year already? I remember it like it's yesterday.), awesome weekends are soooo hard to come by. That's why I've learned to rock it and appreciate it.

Friday:

Woke up early-ish so that the husbees and I could go and apply for an apartment in Hunters Ridge. And then I was almost late for work, but I think it's worth it because I really really hope and wish and pray that we get approved for the apartment. I CANNOT emphasize how much my back and my body craves to lie on a bed. MY BED. 9 months. I have been sleeping on the floor or on the couch for 9 friggin' months. I want a bed and I want a bed now. Not to mention I've been living out of a suitcase, or a plastic drawer container for the same amount of time. I NEED a decent place to live it. And hopefully, this is it.

And then the husbees dropped me off and picked me up from work in spite of the rain. They were late though. Losers. Haha.

Saturday:

I don't remember what I did earlier that day (..just coz.) But later on that day, the barkada sans Danny and Ku Owen went to Ate Rose's for a random party with the grey hounds. And even though it was for Ate Rose's guests, OF COURSE we still dominated the place. I think it's a barkada thing. Haha. We had an awesome time nonetheless. And the funniest thing was that the older people who were there were all friends and/or relatives and I guess, we walked out on them and one guy was giving this other guy a lapdance  with his shirt off. And they were also being loud and funny and whatnot (in their own ways, haha.) But anyway, Diana was like, "That's us in 10-20 years." And we got silent, and then started laughing. Coz it JUST MIGHT  END UP COMING TRUE!! Hahahaha!! I'm glad if we're still friends after 20 years. Love My Barkada. Everyone Of Them.

Sunday:

Sunday was kind of a busy day. Ish. I tagged along bridesmaids dress shopping with Jessel, Lyra, and KC, and Diana caught up with us later on. We walked around Woodfield Mall (like girlfriends which I thought was funny coz I haven't had that since the Philippines). And then we went to House of Brides and then ate at Taste of Thai.

And then we came home so the guys can do their Wolfpack Workout. And then we just chilled and Diana made Sa-paghetti for the boys. And then there was a drama episode with Ku Cortz and a heartache but that's a story for another day. Anyway. I was so happy because even though Ku Cortz was in his room, we were complete!! <3 We had dinner of Sa-paghetti and we played cards and drank until the wee hours of the morning. And then we watched Sex Drive. Well, just me, KC, and Danny.

And then there were two.

I'm not gonna go into details but I was really happy. Because nothing beats that familiar feeling with an old friend. :D Friends Rock! I Love You Guys! You are my family here. Ku Owen, Ku Cortz, Dee, KC, Roger, Danny. And the little ones too, Soapy and Jaden. And extended family Jayce, Lyra, and their sig others Omar and John (aka Sweet Lips) na rin. :D

Having The Case of The "I Miss You's"

Just when you think that everything can be okay, all it takes is one word, one song, one sight, one moment, one place, one memory. Let's just say May 01, 2010 gave me a sensory overload that I'm surprised I'm still standing.

All day long I was with Ku Cortz and KC. And all day long we were just joking around, talking and whatnot about relationships. And I kept commenting stuff like, "Let's go find me a new boyfriend. I'm bored." Or "Maybe I should just get in a relationship for money. But that would require sex in return. Can I just cook and massage in return?" And something else in between. Ugh.


And I've been doing so good too. Trying to avoid songs, places, situations, actions that will bring me back to the time when I was the most alive. Because even though it feels empty on the inside. I'm numb. And that's better than just remembering the happiness that I had, and lost. Heck, I haven't even visited the "dangerzone" in twelve days. *sigh* ignorance is indeed bliss.

Oh but what I would give to bring back the days of happiness. Because having the case of the I Miss Yous is waking me up. I've been numb for a while now. While I laugh along, and smile along, and joke along. I'm numb. And I'm waking up. And I just want to sometimes just be numb again. But who lives like that anyway? All numb and stuff. I just want to be happy with him again.

Ang God know I tried to put myself out there. I even edited my effin blogs here and there just so whoever "potential" decides to check it out would NOT think I still love him. A lot A LOT. And potentials don't really work. Dammit.

I hate that I'm still stuck in this place.

Red Ink. *d.o.e.*

FYI: I think it was so ironically funny that we both liked the same song at a friend's profile. I'm still in there. =)