Playgrounds.

I wish I was still in kindergarten. The biggest drama in your life is trying to find out who stole your crayon. The ultimate surprise is opening your lunch box and your mommy packing you an extra cookie. The security that, like clockwork, you know when  it's time for recess, for nap, or for mommy or daddy to pick you up.

Growing up is taking it's ultimate toll on me. And I'm 25. You might think that I should've grown up years ago. My rebuttal is that I will always be a kid at heart, and I can't force myself to grow up. There is nothing at the finish line but death, so why not enjoy life while you can right?

But this past year and a half, I was thrown every lemon, and every rock, and every bread people can find. I also jumped over and stumbled over every hurdle that I ran into. And yet, I took it with faith that everything will be okay. Because if there is one thing that I have always felt sure of, it was clockwork. Court. Probation. Work. Payday. Off days. Hanging out with friends. Everything operates in clockwork. I have a planner, a calendar, a to-do-list, an alarm for every event. I can always count on things to happen. Relationships also operate like clockwork for me. But it seems that I can't hold on to a relationship long enough. Bestfriends, friends, family, relatives. All relationships that if not cracked, are already broken. But as long as I see that everyone else around me is okay, then I will be okay.

Let me tell you about my playground. I've never had a constant group of friends. But a year-ish ago, I found it. A mature enough yet fun enough group of people that each had their own personality.. and we all just meshed together. Every weekend, like clockwork, we hang out, we have our Sunday family dinners, we watch movies. Anything goes. Girls plan the evening while our beloved Wolf Pack work out and boost and challenge each other's ego. And since I have no family here, this is my family. And whoever messes with my family, gets it. I'm serious. These group of people is the most important people in my life right now. They have helped me beyond words. From breakups to losing jobs to cars breaking down to being penniless and no place to stay. They don't know it but they are the family that I don't have right now. We took care of each other and got each others' backs like we were all brothers and sisters. The seven of us ruled this playground.

Sure things change, but to me change means "more or less of what is already there." Change is not the disappearance of an emotion, of laughter, of a friend. Of family. And I'm sorry to be cliche but this is my Ohana right here. And to quote Lilo, "Ohana means family. Family means no one gets left behind."

But it seems that I gave more importance to these playmates than the rest of the team. I am holding them in the palm of my hand cherishing every experience I go through with them. But they're all ready to move on. And I'm stuck here. Alone. As always.

But what happens when something gets thrown off schedule or was cancelled, you ask. I say, if it does not work for me, as long as I can see it work for others, I have hope. I have faith. And what if those things around me that gives me hope.. fails? That when I start losing hope. That's when I start faltering. That's when I wish there is something else, somebody else, that will hold my hand, rub my back, and put me for a nap, telling me in a hushed voice, that everything will be okay when you wake up. Like in kindergarten.

But it's not. It never will be. Growing up sucks.