ThinkCrap

How is it that I wake up this morning and already I'm stressing out? And that was just (not even) an hour ago. I need to unclog my brain. Here goes:

• I have been having these dreams for the past few weeks. I never remember them when I wake up, but I always wake up feeling good.. as if I'm trying to remember a distant memory but I just can't quite put my finger on it. But I remember the feeling so well. And I wake up from these dreams and it bothers me soooo much. The general ideas of these dreams are: I like someone in the dream, someone likes me and wants to go out with me, someone was holding my hand, blah blah blah. And the weird part is that in my dreams, I know this person. I don't see his face, I don't say his name, I don't know what he looks like at all, nor does he speak much. But he's.. there.
• I have this crush. But I really don't want to say crush, because I feel like it's so.. highschool. I want to say I like this guy. But I'm not even sure If I like him like that like that. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. With these walls up, who knows? I've come to terms with the fact that I should just let it unfold and go with the flow. No questions. Besides, it's a weird situation, anyway.  I think I may have blogged about him before. Anyhoo, I've met him one time. I've seen him one time. I've had e-conversations with him a couple of times. From what I've seen (so far), he's sounds smart, I think he's funny (well, i think he has a dry sense of humor but it works), he's mature (aka older than me). He's just chill (I think). But I try to engage him in conversations, try to be friends with him, whatever. He just would not latch on. Obviously, that means Not Interested. Duh, Ja. I dare not ask him to hang out. I'm painfully shy around guys, for one thing. I've NEVER asked any guy out.. EVER. And in the spirit of Filipino cultures and traditions, I believe that a girl should wait for the guy to make the first move. Ligawan, or courtship, is a Filipino practice that I've missed when I was growing up in the Philippines because no one was really interested. And it's not like Filipinos here in America are all that aware of that practice. I think that is one practice that I might not get to experience *sigh*. And besides, I think there's rules against this type of thing. Oh crap, I forgot to mention my conflict. He's a friend's brother. Well I guess it's not really a conflict since I chose not to do anything about it. Story of my life. This friend asked me before on who this crush is that I've been tweeting about. It was this kid from ECC, but I had to hold back for half a sec and bite my tongue because I almost blurted out his brother's name. Haha. Besides, I'm not just gonna tell her "Oh yeah, by the way it's your brother." I'm such a paranoid person, that I think she might think that I'm only hanging out with her on the off-chance that she might tag her brother along again. (Sidenote: It's obviously not the case because I've pretty much thrown all hopes out the window. Nyaha,) Besides, I should leave all high hopes at the door. I'm done with expectations, and although I've never been in the dating scene, I don't think I want to partake in any of it. Don't think I'm brave enough, don't think I'm "experienced" enough. I prefer hanging out first before dating. Hah! That thought WOULD only make sense to me. I just want to stick by what I know: Friendship.. ONLY, never be bestfriends.
• There's one thing I'm really dreading: GRADUATION. Not mine, but someone else's. I'm not gonna delve into it too much because lately, I've been really good at suppressing my feelings that I've been feeling less broken. Anyhoo, here's the only thing I can say: I'm soooo happy that you're finally graduating. This is what you've been waiting for, and this is what I've been waiting for with you. I cannot be more proud of what you've accomplished becaue this is the apex of your life that you've been working so hard on. I'm just bitter of the fact that when you're thanking everyone, I'm not included. And on the slightest chance that you do, you're welcome. But it's too late.
• I need to declutter. And I mean DECLUTTER!! Books, DVDs, clothes, shoes, my computer, my files, my photos. MY LIFE!
• There's soooo many things to do, but so little time.. and so little money. And nobody to do it with. Haha.
• I have to start labelling and relabelling my posts. I've reformatted this blog a million times. Made some other "themed blogs" on here and on Tumblr. But nothing is working out. I need to take out some blogs. That or condense them. Grr.
• I'm hungry. I'm gonna eat breakfast.