Almost two years later and.... it's still real life. All it took was one stupid song to bring me back to October 29, 2009. I'm done. I am soooo done with this feeling, this emotion, this pain already. Someone sedate me. In the wise words of Sammie Sweetheart, "I AM DONE".
I've gone through the motions already. I've engulfed myself in boycrushes, I've shopped myself penniless. I've gone on adventures, tried new things, epitomized a different me, made new friends, went to new places, EVERYTHING. At the end of it all, it only takes ONE THING to break me down.
My friend Robb is right. I told Robb that I'm sick and tired of people telling me I should let go, move on, whatever. I tell these people I can't force myself to do something like that. I'm a person that for one thing is overly dramatic.. but I feel A LOT of things, I take a lot of things to heart, it's hard for me to forgive much less forget. I'm just gonna let it happen. Robb said, it's gonna happen when it will, I should just work towards that goal, because if I just suppress it then it will erupt when I least expect it.
I met this one guy at the beginning of the year through my friend Andrea. Looking back, I can see I was just infatuatued, but whatever. In my head, I liked him so much that it was actually enough for me to let go of some of the physical memories in my room. All boxed out and ready to go. Except for one. The red teddy bear. It was his first gift to me, for our first month together and for valentine's day. After that ugly day, everytime I'd cry about us, I just get the bear and hug it for comfort. But like a junkie trying to kick it, when these certain kind of tears would fall lately, all I do is stare at the bear from the top of my book shelf, resisting the urge to grab it and let it comfort me. Anyway, going back to guy at the beginning of the year.... I don't think I feel anything for him anymore. Hah, that lasted I think a month, but whatever. All I know is I was thankful I met him and liked him enough to let go a little. After that, I thought I'd be okay.
I even started listening to music again. Love songs even. Granted I still won't touch Ne-Yo with a ten-foot pole, but whatever. I've actually found that I can drift away from the real world just by listening to music. So that's an improvement.
Even watching love stories, wedding shows, all that crap. Andrea got me in a short wedding craze. I even tried to design my own engagement ring online. Hah. THAT I can tell you, is a HUGE improvement for me.
But whatever.... because apparently, none of all these "progress" matters. Because at the end of it all, the person that broke me, and cut me out of his life because he blamed me that his relationship was getting sour, and gave up on me? He still ended up turning my world upside down. Almost two fucking years later, and I'm stilll that girl.
So tell me, anybody, please tell me. How is it fair that he cut me out of his life like that but he can go as he please to my friend roger's paintball party this Saturday? And I'm supposed to be the bigger person?? When he even had the AUDACITY to not invite any of supposedly OUR friends to his birthday celebration and he got invited to all of theirs???? Not one friend got an invitation. Granted no one would've been able to make it coz another person already planned their celebration first, but still. This person got invited to the barbecue two weekends ago and all he can come up with is "I don't know what I'm doing let me see, and I'll let you know?". Oh how about, "Hey I wanna take you out to lunch coz my other buddy blew me off."
But of course, Roger's all "Hey, I'mma be a bigger person and invite him even though he didn't invite me." Good for you Roger, good for you.
So he said he's cutting me out of His Circle (pretty much until further notice), but he can come and go as he please in MY CIRCLE TOO???? No wait, he probably thinks this is his circle too.
Bottomline is that I could never hate him, he gave me the best memories, but with those memories came pain and tears which were also my worst memories. He will always be that guy to me. The guy I met who was in crutches, smiling. The cocky guy who made everyone smile in school. He will always be that guy. The one who was the other half of our unbeatable team, my partner in crime. He will always be my little sisters' big brother. He will always be the boy my mom loved, regardless of whether we went out or not. I don't hate him, I'm just really, really, REALLY angry.
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