Yesterday was Roger's paintball party. Days before the said event, all I could do was ask God for strength that I may survived the day, because there will be guests that I prefer not seeing.. because. On the day of, I woke up with a queasy stomach and a broken heart. I'm sorry, but I relive That Day everytime something reminds me of him, and I relive it like it's a nightmare.So much so that I dream about it to. Ugh. And I thought I'm closer to being done with this scenario.
Anyway, I just decided to go to the paintball party because I want to test my patience, I wanna find out how strong I really am. So with the little patience and strength I had, I went with my game face on. Read: stoic face, shades to cover up my eyes so I can roll my eyes and no one will see (haha!), and my iPod to tune out the rest of the world.
I eventually decided I'm not going to play. a.) no money, and I'm kinda tired of everyone spotting for me, b.)I'm so angry about the situation that I probably will lose self-control when I'm teammates with them and if I'm up against them, I'd just look past them, even if they're trying to shoot at me. But more like B, because if you know me, I have anger management issues, and the paintball field is not the place for my rage.
So I just volunteered to run the charcoal grill (man, I'm awesome!!), which was a fun task in itself. I ran around taking videos, pictures, cooking.. I pretty much kept myself occupied "for when the time comes". But then I had to leave at three to drive Roger's cousin home in time for his mandatory graduation dinner. On the way back, I started to "daydream" on the one hour trip back to the paintball field. The two hour window I was gone from the field would've been the perfect time for them to show up, play and leave.
And not to be mean or anything, because I TOTALLY did not see it coming at all, I just felt really relieved, to my surprise and amusement, they ended up going to the wrong place.. all the way in Indiana!! I mean, I feel bad for him and all.. had to do all the driving for nothing. I bet, he was really psyched to go. I can just imagine. But I'm sure he made something out of that trip.
But anyway, after we all left the field to go home, we stopped by the gas station and the girls powwowed. All I could say (since I'm still bewildered and all) was that God must really REALLY love me for me to deserve such a day. All I asked was for God to give me the patience and strength to get through the day, regardless of the misery and stress it could put me through. I was given a rollercoaster of emotions that day.. whenever I'd see a car pull up the parking lot, whenever I'd see two people walking towards our directions, I'd tense up and start having trouble breathing. I just don't want to be in that position anymore. The pain, the hurt, the stress, all the bad feelings and memories rushing in and drowning me.. an emotional slap in the face. I just can't. People may see me strong.. but I'm just a hard-ass trying to cover my emotional struggle. Hah, and I think I'm really good at it. Anyway, reeling it back in (haha!), in a weird twist of fate, they did not make an appearance. And although it almost didn't really benefit me since I was gone, it almost seemed not a big of a deal if ever they showed up. I've already been through the stress early on that day, trying to anticipate their arrival. But like what I've always tried to say.... I must have done something right. I told Dee about my "God loves me" theory and Dee pretty much said that I got rewarded for at least TRYING to be the bigger person in the situation. And I believe her. Granted I was just gonna ignore them anyway.. but at least I TRIED to suffer through my pain in silence in order for Roger to hang out with his friends, regardless of who they were inviting since you know, it was a private party and all. I tried and I went through the motions, and God threw me a little bone. :))
INXS: Since it was an emotional rollercoaster for me that day.. and in true Jaja fashion, can you guess what happened???? I had a dream about him. UGH. Whenever something gave an impact to my day, for whatever reason, I dream about it. All the time. Before, him and I would always talk about this one girl (good or bad conversation, whatever..), that same night, I'd dream about her. Random, weird situations. But whatever. So yeah, I had a dream about him. It was a pretty long and detailed dream (not THAT kind of dream, you perv haha!).. and it was a feel-good kind of dream, that when I woke up, I think it threw my progress back by a year FRICKIN'A!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm back to the sick to the pit of my stomach, hyperventilating, nauseous, fidgety, can't concentrate state of mind. I hate myself! It's like, I care so much about everything and EVERYONE that once it gets under my skin it's there. People that are special to me in one way or another, takes residence in my heart for such a very long time that anything and everything affects me.... because I care so much. I should really just stop caring. It's going to be the death of me.
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