Options

Looking back, I know I was given a lot of options. But those options that I made were the reasons why I am where I am right now. I believe I made bad choices, but can I really say I'm in a bad place in my life because of those bad choices? Regardless of whether my choices are bad or not, am I a bad person?

These thoughts are pretty deep and random on a Thursday morning. But I can't help it. That's actually the closest I've been able to put my thoughts into words. I get days where I feel like I've hit rock bottom, but on other days I feel like I'm stuck in a middle ground and I feel like I'm watching my life in somebody else's eyes. I know, I know, these all sound weird and all. But I'm in one of those moods.

Situation 1: I had an argument with my friend (to which I'd rather not go into detail). I had two options, tell her what I was thinking, or tell her nothing. Since I have the tendency to run my mouth a little and saying what I think/feel, I chose to do so and she got mad at me. Had I chosen to shut my mouth would she had gotten mad? My policy with my thoughts and words is that just because you didn't say it, doesn't mean you weren't thinking it. Because of what happened, I decided to vent a little to my other friend. Lo and behold, the next day I was accused of talking about people behind their back.. swear words included. I had two options, didn't I? Open up and vent what I feel because I trusted that person, or shut my mouth. I chose to open up because I felt that that person could be trusted. But I guess not. (..and people don't know why I have trust issues, sheesh.) In this case, I couldn't win.

Situation 2: Last week, I went to Chicago on three different days. Knowing that I had an outstanding bill to pay for, and the money I have to work with is on the low side, I still decided to spend it. Two of those days were supposed to be free trips to the museum. The third was a shopping trip planned months ago. I had choices right? Suck it up and don't spend money on the free days, pay the bill, and save for the shopping trip. That or spend the money, and hope for the best something good happens along the way. Well, in my eagerness to please and fit in, I just went with what everyone wanted to do. Hey, it made for an awesome good time in Chicago so who's complaining right? Definitely not me. But shopping trip came, and I was broke as hell and I ended up spending my money to the very last penny. Well, I had three dollars left. Haha. And yet, I wasn't quite satisfied with what I've purchase. Mainly because I had to settle. I'd find something I really, really like but opt for something QUITE like it for a way cheaper price. I waited three months for this shopping trip to settle?! But there you go again, another fork in the road. Settle or don't settle.

Situation 3: 75% of the time, I'm like a miserable lovesick puppy in dire need of love and attention. I miss having someone special, I miss holding hands with someone, movie dates, cuddling, sweet nothing, yada yada frickin' yada. But when I get the opportunity to "give someone a chance", I shut down faster than an expensive jewelry store's security system. What's wrong with me? I get these kind of options sometimes, and what do I do? I hit the ground running. That's messed up yo.

Situation 4: I was offered a position (a new position created and I was offered it!!) by a higher up at work, and I thought it's my lucky break. But it was an epic fail as my manager wouldn't give me up because "we have too many things to do. That really broke my heart. Here I thought I was getting awesome at what I do, but I guess I wasn't good enough because I felt like I wasn't deserving of that position. I could seriously, honestly, forreal say that I was heartbroken. And trust me, I know NOW how being heartbroken feels like. I was so devastated, I was actually going "what's the point" at work. I was sad, and I lost my motivation to be the best at what I do because what's the point? It doesn't matter if the owner of the company wanted me to be administrative anything. As long as I am needed in my department, I will never move up. I had I choice, I know deep in my heart I had a choice: talk to my manager and tell her exactly how badly I need this new position. It's the big break I've been waiting for. It will help me improve my life. But instead, I chose to shut it so as not to sever any ties with her. She's awesome and all, I know she'll give me good recommendations. So I just decided to suck it up. Grin and bear it.

Actually, I could go on and on and on. But my head hurts from all these rollercoaster feelings I'm unraveling right now. So maybe next time.

Conclusion: trust issues, abandonment issues, low self esteem.. what else?