i'm lost. and this is my cry for help.

i don't know what's happening to me. why am i pushing family away. i haven't seen OR talked to my dad in almost four years. i feel vulnerable and i have my wall up. i feel empty and lost when it comes to family and i know that only i have the power to fix things. but i can't. it's probably my pride talking. i want a family. but i'm not letting me. i know that i'm not supposed to say that i don't have a family. coz i do. physically i do. talks about family and relatives, cousins, grandparents, father's day, mother's day. pictures. stories. adventures and misadventures. everytime i experience it, it crushes my heart. i want to have a family. i want my family back. but i can't. i may have done stuff that pushed them away. i may have given up on them because i thought they've given up on me. everyone is excited for the holidays but i'm dreading it. no one understands what i'm going through. i'm suffering but i can't make it obvious. i'm not a rock. i don't have a heart of stone. every mean things i've said and every judgement i've passed serves as a nail digging in my heart and it's there to stay. i want to be free from this suffering. i'm tired of crying. and carrying this burden. i'm screaming in silence. i wanna be heard but no one's listening. no one understands where i'm coming from. sure, other peopl have it worse. but for me, this is the MY worse. i just wanna be loved and not judged for my past. or present. or future. i just wanna be accepted. blood, last name. does it really matter if that is family. i want to love a family and be loved by a family. i want mine back. but it's too late. i can't take it back. i can't breathe, my heart is too full of hate and judgement and resentment. yet i'm empty. i just wanna be loved for who i am and regardless of what i've become. i am a devicais and yet i am no one. i can't do this anymore. i wanna say sorry but i can't. i feel like it's too late. i don't know where i'm going anymore. i know but i don't know. i lost my family in exchange for what? i'm sorry.. i'm so sorry.