friday night tears

it's a friday night. i am neither out with friends hanging out nor enjoying myself. i'm effin' crying.

i'm supposed to be giddy with excitement right now, because after waiting for a whole week, i get to hang out with danny tomorrow. but instead, i'm crying, and he's off blowing off steam somewhere. i mean, seriously, am i that of a tragedy to deal with? i ruin relations left and right, and where do i end up? kicked to the curb.

in my 23 years of living i have managed to ruin the more important relationships i've had..

my relative in california? i don't talk to them anymore.
my bestfriends in the philippines? no contact.
my first friend here in the united states, silvia? she's despised me.
my soulmate krackel? guess we're not soulmates anymore.
my mom? i try to stay away.
my stepdad? i avoid him at all costs.
my sister, punx? lives in cali and we always just end up yelling and cursing and hanging up.
even my dad, who brought me up for 19years of my life? i haven't talked to him in over two years.
tristan, who i promised i would protect from the cruelty of the world? i feel like i don't know him anymore..
gaea, who i treated as a sister along and her family my family? i feel distant from her.
my boyfriend and bestfriend, danny? well, he'd pretty much be more excited having lunch with someone else than spend time with me.

something is fucking wrong with me? why can't i see that i'm actually suppose to keep the good relationships and throw away the bad ones. here i am ruining relationships, but making up with my frenemy, justine. (long story.)

maybe keeping relationships is a WHOLE NEW concept for me. hey janis, uh i don't know if anyone told you these, but you're suppose to hold on to the relationships that you like.

oh effer. what is wrong with me? why is it that i manage to do the wrong things all the time. and who ends up hurt and crying and nursing a broken heart?? ME. fucking ME.

and why do i not learn my lesson? i don't know, maybe because i fail to realize the mistakes in the first place. ugh. all i want is to be happy, and be in a happy surrounding, with happy people surrounding me. i know, the world doesn't revolve around me, but maybe i can share the spotlight you know? i mean, each person that i deem important, i may not spend every waking day with them, but when i'm with them, the have their own spotlight, colors and all. they don't share with anyone. i give them their own spotlight. i'm not even beggin for my own spotlight, maybe i can just share. but nnnoooooooo.. i have to beg even for just a blink of a spotlight.

oh, boy..
friend.
oh, boyfriend.

is love really overrated?
or do i still get my chance?

..i still want my chance.

jaja