Come Find Me

I don't know what is happening to me. I've been feeling really hopeless lately. I feel empty and alone and lonely and unhappy. I can't find any more words to express how I feel. The last time this happened to me, I cried practically every night for two weeks just right before Thanksgiving. What happened to me?? It sounds so cliche, and I'm pretty sure people won't take me seriously, but sometimes I'd imagine how I'd die. Sometimes I'd imagine how it'd feel if I just drove straight to oncoming traffic. Or falling down a flight of stairs. Or falling over a balcony. Maybe cancer. I'd imagine having a slow death, or maybe instantaneous. I'd imagine how my friends would react. Would it be better for them for me to die slowly or quick? It's just that I know that when I die, all these people will "be sad" or "mourn" and go to my wake and pay respects, say all this wonderful lovely things about me. How I'm an awesome person, funny, such a good friend, all that bullshit. But what about now? When I'm dying on the inside from loneliness, sadness, when I'm going crazy trying to hold back from crying my eyes out, and yet also going crazy when I bawl. Where will all these people be? When I'm at this point when I feel empty and depressed and alone, I want somebody to be next to me, someone who'll just rub my back, give me hugs, hand me the kleenex, while I let myself go and cry. But who will be strong enough and brave enough to be there for me? Who will be willing to come find me and tell me that even though not everything is going to be okay, that's it's okay, because I have a friend who won't let anything bad happen to me. You know, I have all these people right? But when I look back, when I hypothetically look behind me, I'm alone. I'm soooo tired of feeling like this. I'm so tired of crying and feeling empty and feeling all these emotions. And then put on a fake smile when I walk out of my room. I wanna run away. I wanna run away from here, from this room, be anywhere else but here. I wanna run away from myself. I wanna be anybody but me. Because what I am right now is pathetic. No one understands what I'm going through, what I'm feeling, or me. Why do people not know? Because I've heard it all before. Everything's going to be okay. God has plans for you. It will work itself out. You'll be okay. You'll be fine. Don't worry about it. Other people have it worse. The funny thing is, and this too shall sound so cliche, but I do have suicidal thoughts. But I'm too much of a coward to go through with it. Not for anything other than it's painful. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that if I were to get into an accident, I won't even fight to survive it. I know I'm messed up in the head. But I'm just so fucking tired.