Ex-Social Butterfly

    I miss being surrounded by a lot of people. I miss being around a huge group of friends. I miss house parties, clubbing, crazy nights, drunken nights. I miss going out on a random night with a group of people. I miss meeting new people and making new friends. I miss planned and random adventures. I miss how everyone is just a phone call away. I miss hanging out with different cliques and groups of people doing different things on different days. I miss having to budget my time so I can hang out with ALL my friends. I miss being able to go places and finding people to go with me. I miss walking into a party and knowing everyone, and everyone knowing me. I miss being life of a party. I miss being a social butterfly.

Bah Humbug.

      Due to the not-to-recent series of unfortunate events, I've come to dread and hate holidays. It's hard to stay be positive, but I guess I did put myself in that situation.

    So the holidays can just suck it. Starting with the stupid Sweetest Day (made up holiday, bah humbug.), weirdly enough ends with Valentine's Day.

    Until then, sayonara bish.

Whoa.

    So I was reading The Last Olympian and I dozed off (I woke up waaay too early.) And out of nowhere floods of memories from before October 29, 2009 flashed before me that I woke up with a jolt and just started crying and crying and crying and crying. I was so taken aback that I'm shocked where that came from. Prior to reading the book, prior to dozing off, prior to today, anything. Nothing triggered that experience. Well, granted I've had a couple of dreams that make me really irritated when I woke up.. there was really nothing. Nothing in my head, nothing. Not even when he came over and had drinks at the apartment. Not even when we chatted the last time. UGH. NOTHING.
    It was so strong, so surreal, so.. I can't explain it. Three years worth of happy memories came flooding back to me and I'm reduced to having the feelings I had after That Day that I don't know what to do. It's so weird, and I'm hating this. Suddenly, I remember every feeling, every word, every sensation I felt the last few days, weeks, that I was with him. Prior to That Day, I remember everything like it happened yesterday.
    What's going on? Because I don't need this. I want my good days back. I've been wishing for my good days back. But not in this way. My broken heart stirs at the bottom of my stomach. Again.

Sometimes, I Think I'm Done.

    Sometimes, I think I need help. Not even talking to a good friend can help me. I need help. I get so depressed sometimes that I honestly really do have suicidal thoughts. And no, I'm not being emo or overly dramatic or anything. Most of the time, I get so depressed that I just want to give up. But a part of me thinks that if I give up, all the help that people have given me will be useless. But how long will I have to live for other people? When will I live for myself?
    I'm very alone, I'm very lonely. But I'm also very, very good at hiding these emotions and these tears. All I have to do is insert a smile here, quote an inspirational quote there, blog happy thoughts and then people will just leave me alone. I'm soooo tired of crying. Crying at night, crying whenever I see a happy family, a happy couple, a happy person. I'm not happy. My mom doesn't think I can do better that what I already have right now. My sister thinks I'm incapable of having a life as good as what the air force has given her. Apparently, since my life is a living shithole, I'm not even allowed to have fun with other people. I guess people like me really don't deserve to be happy. The person that I love gave me up too. Everyone around me is happy. I know other people have problems too. But I'm alone, I'm lonely, and people just don't understand how depressed I get sometimes. I just want to give up. But I'm so scared as to what's going to happen.
    How many times do I cry at night because something made me sad?  As much as I love my job, I have a crappy job. As much as I love my friends, everyone's coupled up that it's make me feel shittier that I already am. Everywhere I look, people have a reason to live. I hate the crappiness of my job, I hate not having a family, I hate not having someone to love, I hate not being loved, I hate the holidays, I hate that I'm not in school, I hate that I'm poor, I hate that no matter how much I scream for help my hands are empty.
    I'm tired. I'm soooo fucking tired. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of being lonely, I'm tired of being useless, I'm tired of all this shit.
    When something bad happens to me, I always think, "hey, at least I'm still alive." But what if being dead is easier?
    I'm soooo done.

GNO!!

Chinatown Romp

  

In A Glee State of Mind

• Sunshine’s Filipino accent was so thick it cracked me up. Not in a making-fun-of-you way.. more of the i-cant-believe-i-sound-like-that way.
• Rachel is way too skinny in this season. Her knees were very.. bony. And of course, there’s her cheeks,  and her collarbone. I’m not sure about the bangs either. She still looks pretty anyway. Just different. I hope she doesn’t fall down the anorexic celebrity path.
• Kurt and Mercedes are glamazons as usual. I think their characters are the one that actually stayed consistent.
• Santana and Britany (sp?) are getting bigger and bigger, I mean role-wise. I love Brit’s dancing. And I have a girl crush on Santana. Plus I love her name. I think they should build storylines for them.
• I’m not so sure about Quinn. I think she’s really pretty but.. *shrug*.
• XOMG. Sam’s mouth?? I can’t stop looking at it. Not in a lustful way but in a Magic Eye kind of way. He reminded me of a REALLY blond John Mayer when he donned on the guitar.
• Artie-Tina-Mike. I can’t blame Tina for going after what she wanted. I mean, the lady wants to dance for chrissakes. And I’m not being judgmental against hadicapables, I’m just saying. Dancing Asians, how racist. Haha! Just kidding.

    I honestly don’t think the premiere of Glee was all that (sheesh, sorry). Aside from tying up loose ends, I didn’t see a BANG-BOOM we’re back episode. They literally just picked up where they left off. Meh. And is it just me or the song numbers were not that BANG-BOOM either? Well, the Empire State of Mind was my favorite performance. I did like Charice’s solo, haha, but then again maybe I’m biased? Haha.
    I guess I’ll just have to let it unfold. I’ll go watch the preview for the next episode but.. I hate having expectations.
    Oh crap! I forgot about Puck.

• Puck was oh-so-hot as ever. But really, no highschooler looks like that.. or any of them for that matter. Haha!

    One last thing, Sunshine was so short it would’ve been hilarious if they’ve given her the bottom locker. XP
Peace, Love, and Cupcakes,
Jaja

God Bless The Broken Road.

    So, yeah. I'm a sucker for love. I'm an incurable hopeless romantic. It's 4:10 in the morning and I can't sleep and I am now blogging, while (trying but not successfully) holding back tears.

    I couldn't sleep so I decided to catch up on my Psych episodes. The episode "One, Maybe Two Ways Out" made me cry. Not so much as the concept of the episode. More like the Juliet-Shawn romance.

    All throughout the whole series, Shawn has always had a special spot for Juliet. He's always loved her but she's always been.. unattainable, unreachable. They were never in the same page. This episode was not that different. Talk about tension man.

    Anyway, in this particular episode, Shawn was opening up to Gus about his feelings for Juliet. He wants her to be happy, but he wants to be happy too. And he can't just be happy without Jules. That the whole time he had this "connection" with the spy lady, all he could think of was Jules. The whole time they were talking, Shawn must've forgotten that he was wired and that Jules was in the surveillance van listening. Everything clicked for Juliet and she realized that she did have this strong feelings for Shawn all along. At the end of the episode, Shawn was telling Jules to have fun on her vacation with her "boyfriend" because that's what you should do when you're on vacation.. enjoy it with someone that makes you happy. While Shawn was rambling on and on, Jules couldn't hold back anymore and she leaned in to give Shawn a long passionate kiss. Then of course, "boyfriend" showed up and there it is.

    Did I mention I'm a sucker for such things? I've been in love. Once. And I went on trips and vacations and adventure with the person that made me laugh. Did it do me any good? I hope so. But I had my heart broken, and at times I think that all those good times are nothing compared to the pain that I went through. I lost bestfriend, which was the biggest deal of all. But do I give up and say, "Oh, Janis. Let it go. Don't ever love again. It doesn't exist. It's just an unreachable idea. You can be as close to it as possible, but you'll never really get there."
    I have to admit.. sometimes I get to thinking that maybe people only get one chance. I got mine, adios, peace out. But I'm too scared to think that I will die without loving and being loved in return. I'd have notions that I should just give up trying to look for love because the first time it happened? I was in deep sh** that I thought I can never pick up the pieces. Right now, I'm walking around with the pieces in my pocket. I've slowly let people make me smile again. I want someone who will accept me for who I am, broken pieces and all. Maybe, they'll even have the patience to put me back together.
    I know God has something big for me. I just know it.

Something's Gotta Give.

    Blame Twitter.

   
    Have it not been for the easy-access all-day pass of microblogging in Twitter, I'd have been updating my personal blog more. Well, that and Tumblr. Anyway, I really really REALLY need to vent and rant and let some emotions pass. I have not had a heart-to-heart- entry with my blog in forever!!

    Anyway, you know that feeling when you've been having all good things and you're riding on a natural high and you're unstoppable.. and yet at the back of your mind, you know it's too good to be true that something's gotta give?
   
    I feel that ALL the time. But the most recent one have been these past few weeks.

    I've been having a blast with my life, partying and going out and having fun and experience fun, new and cool stuff. It's the calm before the storm.

    Going to Chicago, and wine bars, and JB. Watching dance concerts, chef demonstrations, having Jersey Shore marathons. Late night trips and clubbing and birthdays. Cute boys, and crushes, and more crushes. All happy stuff that made me catch myself smiling and surprising myself that I can smile a little bit more again.

    But noooooooooooo. This thing called Life? It screws you over big time. I've had a blast this weekend, as with other weekends.. and all the while, anticipating the storm. And of course, I saw the storm. And like a stupid, coward, weak person.. I cracked. And then there were pieces.

Yes Ma'am.

  All “recently” and “not-so-recently” single girls (and boys, I guess) need to have that one single friend (of the same sex) who will be their yes man. As “recently” and “not-so-recently” single girls (and boys” will want to escape their reality for a little bit, or even do something that is unconventional for them so they can get away.

    Yes, we all need a yes man. I guess you could equate that to a wingman but wingpeople help you get game. Yes People are game to any adventure and is readily available when you need them. They support you, and help you take your mind of things. You might say “That’s what bestfriends are for.” Well, I beg to differ. Sometimes, having known someone for a long time is a drag to have as a yes man. They know you very well, morality issues ensue.. and spontaneity, adventure and the exploration of the unknown goes out the window.

    Yes people are the fuck buddies of relationships. You share fun time together, but you don’t have to worry about holding their hands and tiptoeing around their emotions. There is no deep, emotional commitment involved.

    A yes man should have little to no inhibitions, have an awesome sense of adventure, can differentiate right from wrong YET justify the wrongness of an action to be committed so as not to make you feel bad, and will not let you go home with a douche.

    A yes man should also have, at the very least, a sense of responsibility to look out for your well being and not get distracted and pry his/her attention away from you. Otherwise, you’re going home with a douche.

    Yes people are not used in a demeaning manner. In fact, they should be regarded with so much appreciation for being readily available to meet your temporary needs. I am proud to say that I have a yes man. And I will readily be a yes man to a friend (or semi friend) in need.

    The world will be a better place if everyone has a yes man.

Day 18: The Person That You Wish You Could Be

Dear J.,

    Hey, it’s me again. Sorry if I keep coming back to my old self. I’m just being really nostalgic. Reminiscent of the days when you didn’t have a care in the world, when the only thing you knew how to be was you. The days when there were no labels. You were not single, a girlfriend, an ex-girlfriend. You were just you.

    I don’t ever wish for you to be a different person. I look at the person staring at me in the mirror every day and I see every scar, every pain, every teardrop, smile, every heartbreak and suffering, every sadness and happiness and achievement and success and it looks beautiful.

    I only wish for you to rekindle the fire inside of you that most people envied and liked about you.

I am who I am and I like it.

Growing Up and Growing Old,
Jaja

Day 17: Someone From Your Childhood

Dear L.,

    Hi bestfriend!! You’ve been my bestfriend back home since we were in first grade. I’m so glad we rode the same bus. We’ve had our share of drifting apart when we were growing up but I guess true friendship brings people back in spite of life. I wish we talked more. With all the technology nowadays, not to mention the endless arrays of online activities and forms of communication. We need to catch up big time!! yay for 20 years of being friends!!

Bus 22 and Pancit Canton,
Jaja