Show It, Don't Say It.

Disclaimer: Another rant blog.

I'm tired of people. They always say one thing and do another. I have friends who always hit me up to hang out, call or text me if they have stories to tell, rants to get off their chest, all that stuff.

• If they're single, once they're in a relationship, not only do I take the backseat, I feel like my friendship if out the window.
• If they're in a relationship, they wanna hang out with me, but they can't NOT hang out with the other person at the same time.

I FUCKING HATE BEING THE THIRD WHEEL.

Another thing. I had this one friend and we became really good friends real fast. Or so I FUCKING thought. He was miserable at his old job, and whenever he was at work, we'd text all day, we'd talk or videochat almost everyday. I HONESTLY thought, "hey, maybe I'm gonna have a bestfriend." Well, no fucking way. I don't know what happened but, suddenly, as soon as he's out of this miserable job and moved to another one, he doesn't talk to me anymore. I know he's talking more to another friend who got him the job. I'm not jealous, but I feel like a fucking replacement.

I told him how I felt about my fear of breaking down my wall and letting people in and building relationships (friendships and otherwise), and he made me feel that he was gonna stick around. He made me feel that I matter. (Oh god no, I'm not in love with him). When I'm with my friends, I take the backseat. But when I hang out with him, he's all "let's do what you want to do!" and made me feel that I matter, that my opinions count. And then he just disappeared.

I'M DEEPLY FUCKING HURT.

A part of me is thinking, hmm, maybe he's mad at me. Maybe he's all sulky that I'm moving to California, when he made a valid argument on why I should stay. A little teeny tiny part of me thought that maybe he wanted me to stay because he wants to keep our friendship around, close by, not from the other side of the country. It's nice to feel wanted, you know? But maybe I Just imagined it.

I'M NOT A REPLACEMENT FRIEND, OKAY?

On that note....

Until recently, I was questioning my decision to give in and move to California. I would miss all these friends that I have here. Friends that I don't have the courage to call when I feel rotten inside because I feel like I'm invading in their privacy and personal life. At least, when I'm in Cali, even when I feel sad and alone, there's a reason: 'coz I don't have any friends there at all.

And then I have these friends who are all flabbergasted after finding out that I'm moving. They're all "OMG I'm gonna miss you so much!!" But A.)before finding out, they're life was moving perfectly along without including me, and B.)they're making all these fake plans to hang out One Last Time before I leave. Oh and C.)They say they're gonna miss me but does not show signs of seeing one one last time. I'm hurt because.. well, just because, but then I feel numb.

I'VE REACHED THE POINT OF NUMBNESS. I'M NOW DEAD INSIDE.

What sucks too is that I also have friends who made plans to hang out with me before I leave, and then suddenly I'm making arrangements around their significant others' schedule. Not to be selfish or anything, but I thought it was for you and me. and you & them and me. I mean, granted, I have one friend do just that and I actually feel flattered because he's never introduced a significant other to me before, but the others? Ugh. No. I wanna hang out with you, my friend. Not you while you hold your partner's hand and sneak kisses while I'm not looking.

I'm sorry, and I hate to say this because lord knows how much I love you guys, but if I can't get my friends to at least pretend that i'm a significant part of their lives (as they are to mine), then even if it kills me, I'd rather just stay at home and knit while I await the days of my departure.

Loneliness is more painful than dying.

Come Find Me

I don't know what is happening to me. I've been feeling really hopeless lately. I feel empty and alone and lonely and unhappy. I can't find any more words to express how I feel. The last time this happened to me, I cried practically every night for two weeks just right before Thanksgiving. What happened to me?? It sounds so cliche, and I'm pretty sure people won't take me seriously, but sometimes I'd imagine how I'd die. Sometimes I'd imagine how it'd feel if I just drove straight to oncoming traffic. Or falling down a flight of stairs. Or falling over a balcony. Maybe cancer. I'd imagine having a slow death, or maybe instantaneous. I'd imagine how my friends would react. Would it be better for them for me to die slowly or quick? It's just that I know that when I die, all these people will "be sad" or "mourn" and go to my wake and pay respects, say all this wonderful lovely things about me. How I'm an awesome person, funny, such a good friend, all that bullshit. But what about now? When I'm dying on the inside from loneliness, sadness, when I'm going crazy trying to hold back from crying my eyes out, and yet also going crazy when I bawl. Where will all these people be? When I'm at this point when I feel empty and depressed and alone, I want somebody to be next to me, someone who'll just rub my back, give me hugs, hand me the kleenex, while I let myself go and cry. But who will be strong enough and brave enough to be there for me? Who will be willing to come find me and tell me that even though not everything is going to be okay, that's it's okay, because I have a friend who won't let anything bad happen to me. You know, I have all these people right? But when I look back, when I hypothetically look behind me, I'm alone. I'm soooo tired of feeling like this. I'm so tired of crying and feeling empty and feeling all these emotions. And then put on a fake smile when I walk out of my room. I wanna run away. I wanna run away from here, from this room, be anywhere else but here. I wanna run away from myself. I wanna be anybody but me. Because what I am right now is pathetic. No one understands what I'm going through, what I'm feeling, or me. Why do people not know? Because I've heard it all before. Everything's going to be okay. God has plans for you. It will work itself out. You'll be okay. You'll be fine. Don't worry about it. Other people have it worse. The funny thing is, and this too shall sound so cliche, but I do have suicidal thoughts. But I'm too much of a coward to go through with it. Not for anything other than it's painful. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that if I were to get into an accident, I won't even fight to survive it. I know I'm messed up in the head. But I'm just so fucking tired.

It's Like....

It's like this loneliness is eating me up inside.
It's like I feel a big hole in me that I've given up the desire to fill.
It's like I have lost all hope and I can't see past tomorrow.
It's like I want to cry out all these pain and sadness but I've run out of tears.
It's like it hurts so much I've ran out of ways to express it.
It's like I thought I've hit rock bottom but I just can't stop falling.
It's like I need help but I look around and the world's an empty place.
It's like I'm done trying and I'm done living.
It's like I just want to be gone.

I want to go somewhere where no one knows who I am. That way, I can stop pretending that I'm happy to the people that knows my problems.

I want to run away.

Thought Overflow

In the past few weeks, I have been living inside my head and I'm just about ready to explode. I don't know where to start so I'm just going to randomly start writing about stuff.

• After writing about my friendship about a certain person, the next few days became weird. We just went from being almost close friends to barely speaking to each other. We went from talking, and texting, and hanging out to zero communication at all. I am so fucking good at pushing people away that I'm pretty sure I did something that now it seems that I have zero friendship with him. I miss his insights and my smart conversations with him. But as is with any other amazing friendship I find, I find something to ruin it. This blows.
• I spent my thanksgiving with a friend's family. I didn't wanna go Black Friday shopping with them because I had no money and I know I'll just be miserable. Plus, think about it: I'll be out in the cold, miserable I'm broke and I have nothing to show for it? Yeah, that blows too.
• I cracked. I had an emotional breakdown and I cried for hours and hours and hours. It felt like there was an empty hole growing inside of me. I was depressed for days on end, I couldn't function at work, I cried every night until I fell asleep. The worst part of it?? I have all these people that are supposedly my friends but I just felt like I couldn't call anybody who would be able to understand/help me. I've never felt more alone. If I ever give off a vibe that you can't call me for anything, please stop. I will pick up the phone at 3am if you just want to talk, if you have a problem, anything. I'm here for you. Any of you.
• I posted online that I'm tired of fighting for my life and I'm tired of trying so I'm just going to give up all together. I don't know. Maybe as a cry for help?? And of course, I had all these online friends respoinding "oh hey what's wrong?" or "what happened?" or whatever. Friends who know my number. Not one called me to ask me what was wrong. That fucking hurts, man. I didn't reply to any one of them, and no one bothered to follow up. Like, seriously. I'm not mad at them though. I'm just frustrated that our world has become so impersonal and distant. It's like everything exists online but nothing matters in the real world anymore.
• Which brings me to superficiality and materialistic whims. What happened to Thanksgiving!? It's like the dinner part has become so obligatory and the want to celebrate this tradition was replaced by Black Friday Madness. Thanksgiving dinner has now become a whimsical power-up strategy meeting of family members on what to buy where at what point during the very cold hours of the night. It was disappointing. Don't get me wrong, it's fun to be with family and friends. But if there were no Black Friday shopping, what would you do for the rest of the night after dinner?
• And another thing.. what the fuck happened to Black Friday?? Before, it actually started on the early hours of Friday. But now? Because of the ridiculous competition between retailers, doors now open earlier and earlier every year! Some stores even opened 9pm on Thursday night. Most ads claimed that their Black Friday extends all weekend all the way to Cyber Monday. Not to mention a handful of stores I know that had a three day early Black Friday Sale for those who a.)got the email, b.)have a code, c.)apply for credit cards, whatever whatever whatever. It's ridiculous!! The planning to go shopping for Black Friday lasted longer than planning what to serve for dinner!! I don't know man. Maybe I'm just saying that because I'm a hating broke-ass person, but I still think it's ridiculous.
• They should allot a Buyer's Remorse Day after all this shopping, for those who are starting to feel the dents in their wallets.
• I've realized something: whenever I have any wants or needs, I should keep them to myself. Because I've found that whenever I throw out to the universe that there are particular things that I want/need for myself and obviously can't have it for whatever reason.. well, somebody else that I know finds a way to have it for themselves. That blows as well.
• Am I a depressed person? Clinically diagnosed, I mean. All I know is that, if ground underneath me opens right now to eat me whole, I'd be more than okay with it. I've come to the point of this emptiness and sadness that I really, REALLY have stopped trying. I mean who cares anyway? Nobody apparently. I've realized after all these crying and unexplicable pain I feel that I'm ready to die. And no I'm not going to kill myself. But something were to happen to me, I'd be okay. Because I'm fucking done with the world.

Deserving

I can say I have a lot of friends. Some good, some better, but nobody has come close enough to be called the best. But it's nobody's fault. After losing a bestfriend, I've been scared to let people in. In my mind, people will do things that will disappoint you over and over, and if you regard that title to those people, you're setting yourself up to be heartbroken. I've lost a bestfriend and I don't think I can go through that heartache again. I love all my friends, I really do. I have a handful of the best closest friends ever, but somehow I still find myself alone at night. Like, there's nobody there for me. I'm sure that all my friends love me just the same, but I'm just so broken and burdened with baggage that I'm just too, too scared.

But what if you meet someone that wants to be friends with you in the sincerest form? What if you meet someone who wants to put the effort and the trouble and go out of their way to get to know you, hang out with you, treat you right, and make you feel that they'll be there for you and actually mean it?

I have this one friend, and we've started being friends just a couple of years ago. I've known him for a little over five years now but we've only become closer friends just recently, I'd say over the past six-ish months(?). Anyway, he is such a nice person. He's a gentleman, he'd kind, but he's honest, he's real. He makes me feel that my life matters too (if that even makes sense). I mean, I can't help it that I'm a pushover sometimes, but he makes me feel that I can be heard. I can't really explain it, but he makes me feel like I matter and that's all that I can say.

I mentioned to him that I've been contemplating about moving to California. He asked why. I told him that I feel like I need a change of pace, because I'm tired of trying. He asks, "Trying of what?". I said, "Trying to make it." He stops and looks at me, and tells me, "We just started hanging out and now you wanna leave? That's it, I'm going home." And we just both cracked up. But in my mind, I was really touched you know? A few weeks back, I had mentioned to a couple of friends that I might be going away for a while, and they said, "But who's gonna cover your share of the rent?" Apparently, they're joking. But jokes are always half meant.

So of course now I'm creating a totally unnecessary moral dilemma for myself. I really, really want this friendship to work out. But I'm too scared to let people in, did I mention that? I feel like, he's been sent to fix me, and that when I'm not broken anymore, he's gonna up and leave, just like all the other people that mattered in my life. He's such a good person that I feel like I don't deserve him, that being friends with him will come with a price, and I won't know when I need to pay up.

We were talking and we talked about how I feel obligated to some friends and why I feel that way. He said, "That's why I let you pick what we do, is because I know how people treat you and that's not right.." Then he looked at me and said, "I hope you don't ever feel obligated to be friends with me."

I should stop now. I'm just gonna end up jinxing stuff up some more. With my bad luck streak, I'll probably mess this up too. I just wish that he'd be strong enough to stick around and be friends with the fucking emotional mess that I am.

Thanks, Prime Factor.

Hi, Matt.

So.. I had a dream about you last night. It was so weird because it was random. In my dream your ghost was following me around. There were two other ghosts there with you but I'm just not gonna say who they are okay? Anyway, you three were following me around. I was feeling guilty all day because I kept saying death comes in threes, and when you passed away, another common friend passed away, then another. So I was being too hard on myself, that I shouldn't have opened my mouth. I was depressed. And the whole time you were just following me, with the two others right behind you. You were giving me crap for being depressed. That I shouldn't worry about it. My dream was really long, but as always, I barely remember it. That is why I'm trying to blog as much nonsense as I can get out of it. In my head, if I close my eyes, I can see what you look like. But not enough to write it on here. I remember that when no one is looking at me in my dream, I'd come and give you tight hugs. Even more weird, I was ABLE to give you hugs like you were just there with me. I know you're trying to tell me something. But what is it?

....and then of course I woke up.

I went to your FB page after I woke up and your mom posted a video of you, Jaimie and Noah, jamming together. I only saw your face the beginning of the video and I started crying.

You're probably wondering why I'm writing my sentiments on here and not on FB. You probably already know, that's why you visited me in my sleep last night. I'd miss you all the time, Matt. I'd miss when we used to hang out all the time at my mom's house, or your mom's apartment's pool. Remember my mom's birthday when we just took over? Or when we all went to the Art Museum on a random day?  Or you, me and Krackel grabbing a handful of those Soy Amada pins at the Jewelry store? You and Danny sitting in on my Spanish class instead of waiting for me outside so we can all eat at Wendy's afterwards? And then you'd be giving me all the answers so that I can show off in that class. Haha, Senor Martinez probably thought I was super awesome in Spanish class 'coz of you. Tengo una pregunta para ti. Haha. Or we skipped class to go swimming at your pool and we brought margherita pizza from Target for everyone. Playing Pool Nazi with Danny, Jason, Steve and me and Krackel just sat on the side coz you guys played for HOURS and it got old for us within the first 30 minutes. Haha. I miss you sooooo much Matt. Not only because you are gone. But I missed being your friend even before what happened. I missed hanging out with you. I missed you being my life coach. When Danny called me to tell me what happened, one of his first words were "I know you think that Matt's a really cool person and that I know you missed having him around, but I wanted to tell you that.."

So yeah, why am I putting my dream here on my blog? Because my blog is the "I Don't Give A Fuck" part of me. When I go on your FB page, all these people that tell you they miss you, and share stories and music about you, that say you visited them last night, I feel that they deserved to be part of your life and they deserved to put all these amazing stories and thoughts about you on your wall. I feel pretty insignificant, because I know that it was majority my fault why we drifted apart. You and Danny had a silly falling out and I was stupid enough to take sides. And now my guilt is eating me up inside. I feel that I don't deserve to tell the world what an amazing person you were when we were hanging out because I chose to drift away from you. Now I don't have a boyfriend and I don't have a friend. I'm soooo sorry, Matt. I'm really really really sorry.

Trapped

This entry might get a bit confusing so just roll with me, okay?

Lately, I've been feeling really trapped, hindered. Like I know I can do more, but things are just stopping me. Simple things. Like the fact that today is my day off and I have tons of things to do and yet I'm limited by my car. Since I've been driving around a barely-manageable car, I can literally go so far. And it sucks because my next day off would be four days from now, and I wouldn't even call it a day off because I've already set that date to move storages. So today would've been the perfect time to do my other errands.

On a slightly bigger picture, I hate the fact that I want to hang out with all these people that I miss and haven't hung out with in forever but time, money, and transportation forbids me to do so. When I become ballin', I will make it a point to allot more time to my friends. I miss quality time with quality people.. not to mention I've really been craving for some decent conversations.

And on the biggest picture of all, life. My mom would here and there send me picture messages of my sisters in California. The more she does that, the more I wish I was there with them. I mean, granted I don't want to live in the same roof because hello, I'm 26, I still want that feeling of home. Where I can see my sisters and take them shopping, or to the museums, or any random fun trip. They are just the cutest bunch ever and I miss them so much! And of course that feeling of a home-cooked meal when I come over for Sunday Family Dinner. I miss the feeling of "coming home, it's been a really long time since I've had that feeling.

For 2012, I want to get a zero-mile brand new car. I want to visit England. I want to go back home for my highschool reunion. And I want to go to California.

I'm itching so bad to get out of here. Out of this apartment, out of everything that I know here. I love it here. But that much-needed escape I should have taken two years ago is slowly creeping up on me. I need to get out of here.

Options

Looking back, I know I was given a lot of options. But those options that I made were the reasons why I am where I am right now. I believe I made bad choices, but can I really say I'm in a bad place in my life because of those bad choices? Regardless of whether my choices are bad or not, am I a bad person?

These thoughts are pretty deep and random on a Thursday morning. But I can't help it. That's actually the closest I've been able to put my thoughts into words. I get days where I feel like I've hit rock bottom, but on other days I feel like I'm stuck in a middle ground and I feel like I'm watching my life in somebody else's eyes. I know, I know, these all sound weird and all. But I'm in one of those moods.

Situation 1: I had an argument with my friend (to which I'd rather not go into detail). I had two options, tell her what I was thinking, or tell her nothing. Since I have the tendency to run my mouth a little and saying what I think/feel, I chose to do so and she got mad at me. Had I chosen to shut my mouth would she had gotten mad? My policy with my thoughts and words is that just because you didn't say it, doesn't mean you weren't thinking it. Because of what happened, I decided to vent a little to my other friend. Lo and behold, the next day I was accused of talking about people behind their back.. swear words included. I had two options, didn't I? Open up and vent what I feel because I trusted that person, or shut my mouth. I chose to open up because I felt that that person could be trusted. But I guess not. (..and people don't know why I have trust issues, sheesh.) In this case, I couldn't win.

Situation 2: Last week, I went to Chicago on three different days. Knowing that I had an outstanding bill to pay for, and the money I have to work with is on the low side, I still decided to spend it. Two of those days were supposed to be free trips to the museum. The third was a shopping trip planned months ago. I had choices right? Suck it up and don't spend money on the free days, pay the bill, and save for the shopping trip. That or spend the money, and hope for the best something good happens along the way. Well, in my eagerness to please and fit in, I just went with what everyone wanted to do. Hey, it made for an awesome good time in Chicago so who's complaining right? Definitely not me. But shopping trip came, and I was broke as hell and I ended up spending my money to the very last penny. Well, I had three dollars left. Haha. And yet, I wasn't quite satisfied with what I've purchase. Mainly because I had to settle. I'd find something I really, really like but opt for something QUITE like it for a way cheaper price. I waited three months for this shopping trip to settle?! But there you go again, another fork in the road. Settle or don't settle.

Situation 3: 75% of the time, I'm like a miserable lovesick puppy in dire need of love and attention. I miss having someone special, I miss holding hands with someone, movie dates, cuddling, sweet nothing, yada yada frickin' yada. But when I get the opportunity to "give someone a chance", I shut down faster than an expensive jewelry store's security system. What's wrong with me? I get these kind of options sometimes, and what do I do? I hit the ground running. That's messed up yo.

Situation 4: I was offered a position (a new position created and I was offered it!!) by a higher up at work, and I thought it's my lucky break. But it was an epic fail as my manager wouldn't give me up because "we have too many things to do. That really broke my heart. Here I thought I was getting awesome at what I do, but I guess I wasn't good enough because I felt like I wasn't deserving of that position. I could seriously, honestly, forreal say that I was heartbroken. And trust me, I know NOW how being heartbroken feels like. I was so devastated, I was actually going "what's the point" at work. I was sad, and I lost my motivation to be the best at what I do because what's the point? It doesn't matter if the owner of the company wanted me to be administrative anything. As long as I am needed in my department, I will never move up. I had I choice, I know deep in my heart I had a choice: talk to my manager and tell her exactly how badly I need this new position. It's the big break I've been waiting for. It will help me improve my life. But instead, I chose to shut it so as not to sever any ties with her. She's awesome and all, I know she'll give me good recommendations. So I just decided to suck it up. Grin and bear it.

Actually, I could go on and on and on. But my head hurts from all these rollercoaster feelings I'm unraveling right now. So maybe next time.

Conclusion: trust issues, abandonment issues, low self esteem.. what else?