9/365

i'm really conservative and shy when it comes to my attitude towards romantic relationships. i was raised in a conservative roman catholic family. i believe that men should be the ones to pursue women. not only should they be pursue, i think that women should be courted and wooed. don't get me wrong, i may have some feministic tendencies at the same time, i believe in equality and fairness between the two sexes. but romantically speaking, i'm all for being wooed, you know?

Let's Get Personal

I just finished watching The Rebound (Catherine Zeta-Jones, Justin Bartha) and I actually like it. [SPOILER ALERT] The premise of the story is that 40 year old Sandy (Zeta-Jones), was living a perfectly normal suburban life when she caught her husband cheating so they got divorced and she and her two kids moved to the city. She met Aram (Bartha), a 25 year old barista working below her apartment. She hires him as a babysitter, he asks him out, they dated blah blah blah. Eventually things didn’t work out because of a pregnancy scare and they went to live their own lives. She went to become a sports news anchor and he traveled the world. After five years, they bumped into each other in a restaurant, and lo and behold, he’s thirty now, more mature, and they got back together. The End.

I know, I usually just post something touristy or travel-related, but I think I want to share this one.

2 Things:

• Sandy left the life she knew and went to start over and create a life for herself and her family in the city. I wish that I had the courage and the strength to do that. Granted I’m only 27 and single, no kids. But that’s just that. I’m 27 and yet I’m so scared of change and starting over. 19 years in the Philippines, 6 in Chicago, and now I’m starting over (yet again) in another place. I feel everybody is moving forward and I can’t seem to get my bearings. Just when I thought I was finally going to make it, I have to pack all my bags and move. I left a lot of baggage in Illinois. No, I didn’t fix it, I ran away from it. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel complete. Sandy had the strength to start over, even with her love life. It’s been 2 and a half years, and I’m still single. No attempt to put my self out there on my part either. After getting out of a 3 year serious relationship (also my first), I’m just too scared to start over, to trust again, to let my wall down and let people in. I actually missed having a best friend. I started having a best friend again but I’m so “messed up in the head” I actually managed to push him out of my life. But that’s a different blog, different day. So anyway, is there still a stigma to dating younger men? I mean, not that I’m looking at younger men right now. Haha. I mean, if I keep up at this pace, I’m going to end up 30+ and still single. To my friends’ amusement, they all say I’m a cougar, even though I’ve barely moved from where I was standing 2 years ago. Alone. But honestly, I’m so scared of being single and being alone, and unloved, when I get older. I have blogs, and hobbies, and all that stuff to keep me company, but to what extent though? I need to be brave, to be more adventurous, I just wish I have that inner drive that I lost somewhere along the way.
• Aram, after the break up, decided to travel the world, per Sandy’s suggestion that he’s still so young and needed to get out there. He got hired to work a corporate desk job, couldn’t live with it, and jumped on the first flight out of the country. There he went places, met people, wrote on journals, worked, volunteered, you name it. I guess you can say that he found himself, because when he came back home, we was indeed a changed man. Are there other ways to find yourself, other than travelling? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I agree. I want, with my whole heart and soul, nothing more than to get out of my room and see the world. I want to visit touristy spots, learn languages, eat local cuisine, experience culture, meet people, hike and swim and climb and run, and of course take lots of pictures. Do people really find themselves when they travel? I long for it so bad. Whenever I see movies that are travel-themed (like Eat, Pray, Love), and have travel scenes (like The Rebound), my heart swells with pride. I mean, I also get that feeling when I’m driving, even just locally. There’s just something about the world and the freedom of driving that makes me feel alive. I couldn’t cut it as a girlfriend, I couldn’t cut it as a bestfriend either. I’ve changed so many jobs in my life time. What is it about me? Can I not stay put in one place and live one life? Or will I just coast along this life? I always feel like I’m running out of time. I feel like I’m chasing something but I don’t know what it else. Most times, I feel trapped in my life. That I want to explode out of my skin. I don’t know.

I guess that’s my poorly written, poorly edited blog entry for now. Pardon my dust.

Chicago

I miss Chicago.

First off, I'm saying Chicago instead of Illinois because Apparently, to the rest of the world (or the US at least), nothing exists outside of Chicago (or Springfield). So everytime, I say I'm from Illinois, people ask "Where, Chicago?" and I got tired of explaining so I just say yes.

Anyway, I miss Chicago.

I miss good cheap coffee from Dunkin Donuts.
I miss the convenience of Popeye's from down the street.
I miss having people to go out dancing with.
I miss the big beautiful city that is, aherm, Chicago.
I miss Portillo's.
I miss my job, and my super-awesome co-workers.
I miss my shoes. And my dresses. And my books. And my sewing machine. And my printer.
I miss my roommates. Our loud conversations, our stupid jokes, our meals together.
I miss my friends. Our ability to be stupid together, and be awesome together. Our inside jokes, our experiences, our stories, our intertwined lives.
I miss my adopted family. Everyone that has treated me as part of their family.
I miss Chicago.

I'm happy to be with my sisters and my mom and the rest of my family and relatives. Is sunshine good for the soul? Because in the past month (ish) that I've been here, I haven't felt sad or miserable. Well, there was that one time that my sister said something mean and it made me cry, I just didn't tell her. But other than that, I have sisters who manage to make me smile. The way they knock on my door and ask for help, or they just barge in and rummage through my closet. Or when they run straight to my room when they come home from school and they tell me what happened during the day. I love it.

I love being part of a team here. But I also love how I tried (and struggled) to live on my own there. I miss my friends so much. But I'm also happy here, right now. I wish I can have both worlds with me. But for now, I'm just mowing forward in this journey.

Almost A Month....

It's been almost a month since I last blogged here. WAAAAY too many things have happened. This is what happened when I procrastinate blogging. All my thoughts, adventures, rants, musings, etc get all jumbled up in my head that instead of sorting it out, I just ignore it.

• I've hung out with old ECC friends and I missed them badly.
• I've celebrated my birthday a week early with one of my really close friends and I got to meet his boyfriend and I was so flattered coz he's never introduced anybody before.
• One of my good friends came home for her spring break and she helped me pack my stuff and it was such a big help, I appreciated it so much.
• I hung out one on one with a lot of people, and it's making me miss them all so much right now.
• I had one of my close friends get mad at me, to the point where I thought we were on our way to bestfriendship but I did a really shitty thing so now I'm not sure I can have what we had back.
• My adopted family threw a party for me before I left. My heart swelled with so much love for them, I had tears. Seriously.
• My last day at work was bittersweet. I, without a doubt, loved working there. 100% no bullshit. It was a relief to leave just because I feel like I deserved a vacation from my normal life. But I loved everyone there and I actually miss them.
• I miss tF. I didn't say goodbye to him and I'm so dumb. I wish I treated him more like a friend than my boss. It would've been nice to have been friends with him. -gah- I miss him.
• I spent the day in Chicago with a couple of friends and it was the most fun ever. I took tons of photos, explored parts of the city I've never seen (or only saw from afar or for a couple of minutes). I love the city and I can't wait to see it again.
• My friends and I finally got to go on our much awaited mini roadtrip to Springfield. I am such a museum nerd, it's not even funny. That was my third time going to the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Museum but it's always fun. And I got to see the Lincoln home this time too.
• My roommate/close friend KC and I had a crying session the day I left. It was the first time we've ever done that. Thinking about it makes me cry all the time. She was the only one who showed me emotions like that. Darn, I'm crying again.
• ....and then of course I left Chicago. 
• ....and I'm in LA!!!!
• The plane ride was bumpy and space was cramped. But that's Spirit Airlines for you.
• Then I got to see my mom and my four younger sisters and it made my heart happy ever since. I mean granted, they do annoy me here and there but that's me being the oldest sister of a 24, 13, 8, and 4 y/o.
• For my birthday weekend, my mom, stepdad, and 2 youngest sisters drove 8+ hours to the northern part of Cali so I can see my 24 y/o sister who's in the USAF and my relatives living in the Bay area.
• Today marks the two weeks I've been here in CA. I've taken tons of pictures, of course. Nothing big happens though since I have no car and job yet. We'd visit places here and there, we did go to Newport Beach over the weekend and that made me so happy I was practically exploding out of my skin, So I've been spending most of my time tagging my photos and blogging. I feel like I am on vacation though. Now, if I can just haul ass and start working out.

Show It, Don't Say It.

Disclaimer: Another rant blog.

I'm tired of people. They always say one thing and do another. I have friends who always hit me up to hang out, call or text me if they have stories to tell, rants to get off their chest, all that stuff.

• If they're single, once they're in a relationship, not only do I take the backseat, I feel like my friendship if out the window.
• If they're in a relationship, they wanna hang out with me, but they can't NOT hang out with the other person at the same time.

I FUCKING HATE BEING THE THIRD WHEEL.

Another thing. I had this one friend and we became really good friends real fast. Or so I FUCKING thought. He was miserable at his old job, and whenever he was at work, we'd text all day, we'd talk or videochat almost everyday. I HONESTLY thought, "hey, maybe I'm gonna have a bestfriend." Well, no fucking way. I don't know what happened but, suddenly, as soon as he's out of this miserable job and moved to another one, he doesn't talk to me anymore. I know he's talking more to another friend who got him the job. I'm not jealous, but I feel like a fucking replacement.

I told him how I felt about my fear of breaking down my wall and letting people in and building relationships (friendships and otherwise), and he made me feel that he was gonna stick around. He made me feel that I matter. (Oh god no, I'm not in love with him). When I'm with my friends, I take the backseat. But when I hang out with him, he's all "let's do what you want to do!" and made me feel that I matter, that my opinions count. And then he just disappeared.

I'M DEEPLY FUCKING HURT.

A part of me is thinking, hmm, maybe he's mad at me. Maybe he's all sulky that I'm moving to California, when he made a valid argument on why I should stay. A little teeny tiny part of me thought that maybe he wanted me to stay because he wants to keep our friendship around, close by, not from the other side of the country. It's nice to feel wanted, you know? But maybe I Just imagined it.

I'M NOT A REPLACEMENT FRIEND, OKAY?

On that note....

Until recently, I was questioning my decision to give in and move to California. I would miss all these friends that I have here. Friends that I don't have the courage to call when I feel rotten inside because I feel like I'm invading in their privacy and personal life. At least, when I'm in Cali, even when I feel sad and alone, there's a reason: 'coz I don't have any friends there at all.

And then I have these friends who are all flabbergasted after finding out that I'm moving. They're all "OMG I'm gonna miss you so much!!" But A.)before finding out, they're life was moving perfectly along without including me, and B.)they're making all these fake plans to hang out One Last Time before I leave. Oh and C.)They say they're gonna miss me but does not show signs of seeing one one last time. I'm hurt because.. well, just because, but then I feel numb.

I'VE REACHED THE POINT OF NUMBNESS. I'M NOW DEAD INSIDE.

What sucks too is that I also have friends who made plans to hang out with me before I leave, and then suddenly I'm making arrangements around their significant others' schedule. Not to be selfish or anything, but I thought it was for you and me. and you & them and me. I mean, granted, I have one friend do just that and I actually feel flattered because he's never introduced a significant other to me before, but the others? Ugh. No. I wanna hang out with you, my friend. Not you while you hold your partner's hand and sneak kisses while I'm not looking.

I'm sorry, and I hate to say this because lord knows how much I love you guys, but if I can't get my friends to at least pretend that i'm a significant part of their lives (as they are to mine), then even if it kills me, I'd rather just stay at home and knit while I await the days of my departure.

Loneliness is more painful than dying.

Thought Overflow

In the past few weeks, I have been living inside my head and I'm just about ready to explode. I don't know where to start so I'm just going to randomly start writing about stuff.

• After writing about my friendship about a certain person, the next few days became weird. We just went from being almost close friends to barely speaking to each other. We went from talking, and texting, and hanging out to zero communication at all. I am so fucking good at pushing people away that I'm pretty sure I did something that now it seems that I have zero friendship with him. I miss his insights and my smart conversations with him. But as is with any other amazing friendship I find, I find something to ruin it. This blows.
• I spent my thanksgiving with a friend's family. I didn't wanna go Black Friday shopping with them because I had no money and I know I'll just be miserable. Plus, think about it: I'll be out in the cold, miserable I'm broke and I have nothing to show for it? Yeah, that blows too.
• I cracked. I had an emotional breakdown and I cried for hours and hours and hours. It felt like there was an empty hole growing inside of me. I was depressed for days on end, I couldn't function at work, I cried every night until I fell asleep. The worst part of it?? I have all these people that are supposedly my friends but I just felt like I couldn't call anybody who would be able to understand/help me. I've never felt more alone. If I ever give off a vibe that you can't call me for anything, please stop. I will pick up the phone at 3am if you just want to talk, if you have a problem, anything. I'm here for you. Any of you.
• I posted online that I'm tired of fighting for my life and I'm tired of trying so I'm just going to give up all together. I don't know. Maybe as a cry for help?? And of course, I had all these online friends respoinding "oh hey what's wrong?" or "what happened?" or whatever. Friends who know my number. Not one called me to ask me what was wrong. That fucking hurts, man. I didn't reply to any one of them, and no one bothered to follow up. Like, seriously. I'm not mad at them though. I'm just frustrated that our world has become so impersonal and distant. It's like everything exists online but nothing matters in the real world anymore.
• Which brings me to superficiality and materialistic whims. What happened to Thanksgiving!? It's like the dinner part has become so obligatory and the want to celebrate this tradition was replaced by Black Friday Madness. Thanksgiving dinner has now become a whimsical power-up strategy meeting of family members on what to buy where at what point during the very cold hours of the night. It was disappointing. Don't get me wrong, it's fun to be with family and friends. But if there were no Black Friday shopping, what would you do for the rest of the night after dinner?
• And another thing.. what the fuck happened to Black Friday?? Before, it actually started on the early hours of Friday. But now? Because of the ridiculous competition between retailers, doors now open earlier and earlier every year! Some stores even opened 9pm on Thursday night. Most ads claimed that their Black Friday extends all weekend all the way to Cyber Monday. Not to mention a handful of stores I know that had a three day early Black Friday Sale for those who a.)got the email, b.)have a code, c.)apply for credit cards, whatever whatever whatever. It's ridiculous!! The planning to go shopping for Black Friday lasted longer than planning what to serve for dinner!! I don't know man. Maybe I'm just saying that because I'm a hating broke-ass person, but I still think it's ridiculous.
• They should allot a Buyer's Remorse Day after all this shopping, for those who are starting to feel the dents in their wallets.
• I've realized something: whenever I have any wants or needs, I should keep them to myself. Because I've found that whenever I throw out to the universe that there are particular things that I want/need for myself and obviously can't have it for whatever reason.. well, somebody else that I know finds a way to have it for themselves. That blows as well.
• Am I a depressed person? Clinically diagnosed, I mean. All I know is that, if ground underneath me opens right now to eat me whole, I'd be more than okay with it. I've come to the point of this emptiness and sadness that I really, REALLY have stopped trying. I mean who cares anyway? Nobody apparently. I've realized after all these crying and unexplicable pain I feel that I'm ready to die. And no I'm not going to kill myself. But something were to happen to me, I'd be okay. Because I'm fucking done with the world.

Deserving

I can say I have a lot of friends. Some good, some better, but nobody has come close enough to be called the best. But it's nobody's fault. After losing a bestfriend, I've been scared to let people in. In my mind, people will do things that will disappoint you over and over, and if you regard that title to those people, you're setting yourself up to be heartbroken. I've lost a bestfriend and I don't think I can go through that heartache again. I love all my friends, I really do. I have a handful of the best closest friends ever, but somehow I still find myself alone at night. Like, there's nobody there for me. I'm sure that all my friends love me just the same, but I'm just so broken and burdened with baggage that I'm just too, too scared.

But what if you meet someone that wants to be friends with you in the sincerest form? What if you meet someone who wants to put the effort and the trouble and go out of their way to get to know you, hang out with you, treat you right, and make you feel that they'll be there for you and actually mean it?

I have this one friend, and we've started being friends just a couple of years ago. I've known him for a little over five years now but we've only become closer friends just recently, I'd say over the past six-ish months(?). Anyway, he is such a nice person. He's a gentleman, he'd kind, but he's honest, he's real. He makes me feel that my life matters too (if that even makes sense). I mean, I can't help it that I'm a pushover sometimes, but he makes me feel that I can be heard. I can't really explain it, but he makes me feel like I matter and that's all that I can say.

I mentioned to him that I've been contemplating about moving to California. He asked why. I told him that I feel like I need a change of pace, because I'm tired of trying. He asks, "Trying of what?". I said, "Trying to make it." He stops and looks at me, and tells me, "We just started hanging out and now you wanna leave? That's it, I'm going home." And we just both cracked up. But in my mind, I was really touched you know? A few weeks back, I had mentioned to a couple of friends that I might be going away for a while, and they said, "But who's gonna cover your share of the rent?" Apparently, they're joking. But jokes are always half meant.

So of course now I'm creating a totally unnecessary moral dilemma for myself. I really, really want this friendship to work out. But I'm too scared to let people in, did I mention that? I feel like, he's been sent to fix me, and that when I'm not broken anymore, he's gonna up and leave, just like all the other people that mattered in my life. He's such a good person that I feel like I don't deserve him, that being friends with him will come with a price, and I won't know when I need to pay up.

We were talking and we talked about how I feel obligated to some friends and why I feel that way. He said, "That's why I let you pick what we do, is because I know how people treat you and that's not right.." Then he looked at me and said, "I hope you don't ever feel obligated to be friends with me."

I should stop now. I'm just gonna end up jinxing stuff up some more. With my bad luck streak, I'll probably mess this up too. I just wish that he'd be strong enough to stick around and be friends with the fucking emotional mess that I am.

Thanks, Prime Factor.

Words From A Stranger

I was training the new girl again last night, and during the course of the evening when it slowed down, we got to talking about each other's life. We somehow ended up talking about MY (non-existent) lovelife.

Not in order, here are the words that she's shared with me.

That's a long time to for a girl not to be loved. I think you deserved it at most a year into him leaving.
            -on me not having someone for that last two years

Girl, you need to get out there. You say you can't flirt, but you just have to go out there and do it. The least they can do is say no right? And you don't even know them that well, so it's not a big deal.
            -on my inability to flirt

 From what I can see, you have a really awesome personality. I don't know why you're so hesitant to put yourself out there. All you have to do is take all the good things and make them better. The bad ones? Just leave them at the door.
            -on how I should go about putting myself out there

I've only trained her three random days and she says I have an awesome pesonality. Maybe she's just being nice, but then again that's just me again taking a compliment and shredding it to pieces with my self-doubt. If a stranger can see that I have a good personality and that I deserve someone since apparently I'm awesome like that, I think about the times I've met people and my low self-esteem forbade me to put myself out there where I can be vulnerable again. They probably saw it too. But I was too caught up on my loneliness that it never occured to me that I deserve to be happy too.

Thanks, MP, for the kind words. :)

Monday!!

It's the last week of September. Then it's October, November, then December. Before you know it, I'm 27. Time is flying by so fast, taking a deep breath isn't even helping. Why am I growing up so fast! While adulthood has its perks, it kinda sucks a great deal.

I have to train new girls at work. After that, I can finally get my full-time status. With benefits. I can finally have my teeth fixed.. and yes, braces included.

I may start that second job soon. That means goodbye to my so-called social life. But these are things I have to do now, so that I can have a better life later.

I have something going on all weekends of October. A double sweet sixteen, a random photoshoot with friends, a bachelorette party, a birthday, a wedding. That doesn't include the spur of the moment phone calls I will mostt likely get to go out or hang out. On top of that, training and babysitting the new girls at work, full time hours in one job, and potential part time hours in a second job. On top of that my, my responsibilities. Bills, utilities, groceries, rent, car maintenance, laundry, working out, etc., etc., etc. I already got stressed just thinking about all that stuff.

I'm moving storages so my room is a mess! I look like I should be in an episode of Hoarders. I literally only have one side of my bed. I have one straight line from the door to my bed. That reminds me, I have to rent a cargo truck.

For the next year, I wanna get a brand spankin' new car. I'm going to Vegas for a friend's birthday. I'm going to Cali for my family birthday party. I'm going to the Philippines for my ten-year highschool reunion. Speaking of which, I really really hope someone is planning it, because I miss my highschool friends.. and I miss the highschool me. The highschool me wanted to be a supermodel.

My ongoing joke with my friends is that my wedding date is 12.12.12, since it's my favorite number. Haha. Let's all find me a boy first, right?

By the way, a little confession: I am surrounded by family and friends getting engaged, getting married, having kids, and I can't help but be jealous a bit. In the past years, getting married and starting a family was something I thought about, but nothing concrete. Like a fairytale. But since my friend got married last year, and since it was the first wedding I've ever attended and I was even the bridesmaid, it's been a constant thought for me. I'm not talking about "Ooh, when I get married I want this, blah blah blah." Let's just say, I know where I wanna get married, where the reception is going to be, colors, theme, music, check, check, check. And to kid around with my friends, I tell them that all the guy has to do is show up and sign all the checks and papers.. and not to worry because I've already named our future kids.

Maybe I want it too much. Maybe I want someone to love and love me in return so bad that I have a nagging feeling at the back of my mind that it's never gonna happen. I don't wanna get married when I'm 35. Well, sure, they said that 30 is the new 20 and that's when we can fully live our lives as adults. When I find that guy for me, I don't want to be a stepmom to teenagers (baby mama drama is so tacky), nor do I want to be someone's second (maybe even third!) wife. I want to get married only once.

But at the rate that I'm going and sounding right now. No man's gonna want to date me since I have marriage on the mind. Isn't that a big no-no to eligible bachelors nowadays?

Life is a vicious cycle and I don't know where to get off.

Bring It On, Life.

The last couple of weeks have been really packed with life and lessons for me. I don't even know where to start. Let me try..

• My car had died in the middle of the road late one night and I was trying to figure out what to do when two dudes pulled over to the side and offered to help me. My first thought was, "Holy crap, this is a Law and Order SVU waiting to happen!! Run!!". But after a couple of minutes, something just came over me and my mind pretty much just went "I will leave it all up to God. Whatever happens, happens." Afther they've helped me push my car to an empty parking lot, they left while i waited for my roommates to rescue me. I felt guilty I judged those two guys. With their towering heights, bulky built, baggy clothes and raggedy car, I couldn't help but get scared. I mean, I've seen ALL SVU episodes to know that the world is a cruel, cruel world.
• In a span of less than 24 hours, I have managed to slice my finger (with a knife) and my heel (with a broken glass). Mind you, both cuts were I'd say 3cms long and 3/4 of a cm deep. Just saying.
• I got a job interview and they actually offered me the job so yay for me!
• A friend passed away and I attended his service a week after. I was shocked to the point that I refused to accept how it happened, why it happened. But things happened throughout the week that made it easier for me. I think Matt helped.
• During the funeral service, I've seen people I haven't seen in such a long time. Some I've become estranged to, some I've missed more than others. Altogether, I've convinced myself that I should, in one way or another, try annd fix (and maintain) these relationships because you never know when it's gonna be too late. It may be a cliche, but it's true.
• We are hiring two positions at work and I'm going to be training them!! I feel that seniority coming in, and I'm kinda excited. Of course, all advancements have responsibilities attached to them. I'm kinda nervous because I'm just not good with failure. But bottomline is, I'm already 26 years old, and even though people say I'm still young and there's still time, I have no time to redo my life. I can't go back to the beginning. Onward-bound ho!
• I've noticed that I'm starting to become more comfortable about myself. My personality, my body, my strengths and weaknesses. Even this whole single status thing doesn't bother me as much anymore. Something came over me and I don't know what, but I'm very thankful for it.

I think that is it for now. I'm about to run errands and maybe I'll think of something else to write about. Peace out!

With Open Arms

I think I'm ready to embrace life. If you care to hear me out, then read on. Otherwise, don't mind me, if you know me well enough, I get these "High On Life" moods here and there so I try to take advantage of them and write down my positivity so I can read them again when I'm down.

Anyway, moving on.

I'm ready to move on to bigger and better things. Whether it's to replace old feelings, to forget about the past. I'm just so darn tootin' tired of this life that I wanna move on. I'm constantly struggling and fighting to be happy and I'm just ready to Just Be Happy.

I have amazing friends that will always be there for me. I've gained new friends that I'm just so happy about. I've spend my summer really well this year. All I need is someone to share my happiness and love with, but I know God has someone for me, I just have to wait REAAAALLLLLYYYY patiently for that person. I know it's gonna be worth it. I just have to keep doing what I'm good at, eliminate my shortcomings and weaknesses, and just go on. Keep fighting. I'm 26 years old. I don't want to be the last to get married, to be the oldest mom in a Parents-Teachers meeting. I wanna be a young urban professional.

And I'ma do just that.

Everything Happens For A Reason, Right?

Quick blog.

For the past oh-so-many days, weeks, months I've worked Monday afternoons. But this week, for whatever reason, I was scheduled to work in the morning.

Dun dun dun.

What do you know.. I find out later that night that exie was in my apartment dropping by to say hi to JUST Roger.

BTW, Roger and Kuya Quartz thought it would be HILARIOUS to play it off that whatsherface was with exie and that she went in my room. I was LIVID!! But then I caught on to their stupid joke. Roger said he wanted to stop by and say hi since he was in the area.... so WHY OH WHY is she with him tagging along?? HAHAHA. After that, Roger dropped the act and admitted it was just exie who stopped by. And to that KQ went "Bitch" to Roger. Haha.

So yeah. I guess everything happens for a reason. I could've still been in the apartment when he came over but I'm sooooo glad I wasn't. I mean, I had no intention of playing nice, but I wasn't gonna give anyone the cold shoulder, I'm still human, and I still have a heart. I'm so over them both that I do not wanna be in the same place as them. I deserve an apology. I did NOT need to be shunned the way that I was. Especially from him. I like where I am in my life right now. I'm still struggling, but at least it's my own struggles, it's suffering caused by my own actions, not anyone else's. And whether I'm crying or I'm laughing, I know it's because of me.

This is it, I'm doing me booboo.

One Month's Worth of Epiphany

First off, I need to blog more. It obviously keeps me sane.

• I've been working really great hours at my job, and I'm loving it! I actually thought it was awesome I had to work 3 9-hour days that one week. Uh-oh. Does this mean I'm starting to become a workaholic? I don't mind it by the way, because I love my job (as meager my wages are), and the people are really awesome. I like the fact that only a handful of women work there. No drama.

• My friend N and I have been having a blast going out every weekend for more almost two months now. It is frickin' awesome! We go to sketchy dance clubs, local bars, the city, gay clubs, 24hour diners, club openings, birthday parties. It is such a blast! Plus it's the ultimate distraction. It's starting to make my way into my pockets but I guess it's all good. I told him that we're starting to be like Will and Grace.. a sexless marriage. Haha.

• As much as I just LOVE going out and having fun, whenever I come home, I can't help but feel a little bit scared. While some people my age are starting to look towards the direction of settling down, I feel like I'm nowhere near that goal. People around me tell me that I'm perfectly fine where I am at in my life. Enjoy it while it lasts, I'm still young. I'm just scared. I feel like, this going out part of me is always gonna be me. Half of me tells me that it's okay because it's who I am, but the other half is guilty doing it, that I probably should outgrow this phase already. Then I think about wishing that one day, I'd wake up and I'd grow out of it, and it scares me even more. The way that I live now is the way that I know how to live. That probably sounds confusing, but it makes sense to me. I can't let go of something that's me, but I do wanna settle down someday, have kids, all that crap. Haha. I'm torn.

• N invited me to a coworker's birthday party, and I thought I'd feel out of place and shy (yes, I'm super shy around strangers). But this crows was a blast to hang out with! They were all in there early- to mid-thirties, so they're young enough to still have fun but also old enough to know better. I actually, couldn't wait to be around their age (although of course I just wanna be young forever haha) and be as awesome as they are. I read somewhere before, thirty is the new twenty. And it's so true. I agree 100%. I wish that my friends now will still be my friends when I'm thirty. Then life will be a blast.

J, if we end up being roommates, we're not going out every night, right? -N.

• In contrast, I went to yet another college-town party last night with my friend T. The first college-town party T invited me to was so dumb and stupid and reckless and pretty much pointless.. not to mention they were serving Keystone Light, for crying out loud. People were playing beer pong with a door propped on bar stools, smell of weed or whatever in the air, teenagers nursing their drinks of choice: shots, handles, cheap beer. A four-bedroom student housing had AT LEAST 30 in there. This time around, the place was A LOT more mellow, obviously 21 and over, and not as dumb. I was hesitant to go because of my previous experience, but I wanted to do it for my friend 'coz she's my yes-man, and I should be her yes-man too. :)

• I need to conquer my top priorities right now: fixing my car up, and getting a second job. I'm crossing my fingers that everything else will fall into place afterwards. So far life has been a blast, and I thank my friends, my family, and of course My Homie Up Top for that. :))

Round Two To Life!

Yay!!!! After a year and a half of suffering, I have a car again!! WOOHOO!!!! I'm so frickin happy!! But of course, I'm still holding my breath. Until I've had this new old car "diagnosed" and I have an OK that it will run decently and won't fail me.. I'm just gonna be here holding my breath. :D

I am really happy though. No more "I don't have a ride" phrases. No more of the "I can't go anywhere because I don't have a car" excuse. I'm not at the mercy of a another driver's time and availability. I'm FREEEE!!

Well, not really. Like what I've said before, having a car will open doors for me to improve my life, and no I'm not even being overly dramatic. I can FINALLY get a second job, I can FINALLY complete my community service, I can FINALLY go to school, I can FINALLY be in charge of my time, and my life.

And before I get ahead of myself, I would like to thank EVERYONE, and I mean super EVERYONE who has EVER EVER EVER given me a ride somewhere. You guys we picked me up on a way to a party, a night out, anything. You guys who had to wake up early to give me a ride to work and then go back home to sleep. You guys who had to drop me off at someone's house, who have to let me borrow their cars for the time being, for the day, for the week. You guys who had to drop whatever you're in the middle of just to pick me up (shout out to my roommate Kuya Quartz for leaving in the middle of "doing it" -nojoke- because he almost forgot to pick me up).You guys who had to rearrange your schedules so you can fit me in. THANK YOU SO MUCH WITH ALL MY LIFE AND ALL MY LOVE! I wish that someday, sometime, I will be able to repay you for all the trouble and inconvenience I have ever brought. YOU GUYS ROCK!! GOD BLESS!!

INXS: I will get my life together and make it better, because you guys have helped me and I will not fail you. :D

Displaced.

Maybe it's just me. **shrug**

Lately, I've been feeling really out of place in my own apartment. The only place I feel the most comfortable in is my room. It really had become my sanctuary lately. I can't explain it. I just get these heavy feeling sometimes whenever I walk inside the house. Like I'm just a renter.

It's especially hard when half the time I would be constantly be made fun of. Like why I still don't have a boyfriend, or "how can you live with yourself" comments about my sex life. And according to them, I'm useless and I'm lazy. Disclaimer: Just because I don't wanna do it, doesn't mean I'm lazy.

KC: Ja, can you please bring these (milk jug and something else) downstairs?
ME:  [jokingly pushes it to the side in front of roger]
KC: Cmon.
ME; According to you, men should take out the trash. If we're going with that logic, then Roger should take it.
KC: Yeah, but that's just between me and Roger.
DEE: Then why didn't you wash the dishes? (and everyone laughs)
ME: [I just kept quiet because, if I open my mouth they're just gonna gang up on me]
KC: [takes the stuff and starts walking away] you're so lazy sometimes.

Point Number One: Did I say I didn't want to take it downstairs? No.
Point Number Two: Like I said, even if I didn't wanna do it, that doesn't mean I'm lazy. It means I didn't wanna do it.
Point Number Three: If that argument was just between her and Roger, then she shouldn't have said that guys are supposed to blah blah blah. And if that's the case, her asking me to take the garbage out.. what's that say about the relationship between me and her? She was already done with the dishes, she was holding the garbage, what's one more step? Sure, I was sitting there. But still. Her argument was invalid. FYI, half the time she has a counter-argument for everything. (wait, that doesn't even make sense)
Point Number Four: So girls are supposed to wash the dishes while the men take out the trash? What is this, 1920s? (hah, probably not accurate.. just throwing a random year out there, but you get my drift).
Point Number Five: She was walking away when she tried to call me out (pssh, by muttering under hear breath). She couldn't even say it straight to my face.

What about that one night when Kuya Quartz was cooking something and KC was cleaning up the sink? There was no rice, and Kuya Quartz asked me to cook rice. I said, I'll do it after KC's done. I heard him laughingly tell KC that I'm useless because I still have to be told to cook rice and that I didn't go right away.

How about when most of the time, KC refers to things with "my". My couch, my carpet, my dining table, my bacon, my juice, my kitchen, my my my my my. Even though it's not. I know I've never heard Kuya Quartz refer to anything "my" just because it was supposed to be a shared household anyway. So now, I made it a point that when THEY do THEIR GROCERIES and make THEIR FOOD, I wait until I'm offered before I touch any of THEIR STUFF.

I get made fun of, I get criticized for the way I live my life, call out names,  laugh at me and how I handle things. Pssh, I know that they think my life is a joke in general. I feel it with the way they treat me. But why am I still friends with them? I don't know. Maybe because when you're family, you accept the people the way they are. You respect the fact that they are who they are. Which is something I wish they'd be towards me.

For now I guess I'll just suck it up. They're supposedly my friends, right? Maybe things will get better.

But like I said.. maybe it's just me. **shrugh*

Options

Looking back, I know I was given a lot of options. But those options that I made were the reasons why I am where I am right now. I believe I made bad choices, but can I really say I'm in a bad place in my life because of those bad choices? Regardless of whether my choices are bad or not, am I a bad person?

These thoughts are pretty deep and random on a Thursday morning. But I can't help it. That's actually the closest I've been able to put my thoughts into words. I get days where I feel like I've hit rock bottom, but on other days I feel like I'm stuck in a middle ground and I feel like I'm watching my life in somebody else's eyes. I know, I know, these all sound weird and all. But I'm in one of those moods.

Situation 1: I had an argument with my friend (to which I'd rather not go into detail). I had two options, tell her what I was thinking, or tell her nothing. Since I have the tendency to run my mouth a little and saying what I think/feel, I chose to do so and she got mad at me. Had I chosen to shut my mouth would she had gotten mad? My policy with my thoughts and words is that just because you didn't say it, doesn't mean you weren't thinking it. Because of what happened, I decided to vent a little to my other friend. Lo and behold, the next day I was accused of talking about people behind their back.. swear words included. I had two options, didn't I? Open up and vent what I feel because I trusted that person, or shut my mouth. I chose to open up because I felt that that person could be trusted. But I guess not. (..and people don't know why I have trust issues, sheesh.) In this case, I couldn't win.

Situation 2: Last week, I went to Chicago on three different days. Knowing that I had an outstanding bill to pay for, and the money I have to work with is on the low side, I still decided to spend it. Two of those days were supposed to be free trips to the museum. The third was a shopping trip planned months ago. I had choices right? Suck it up and don't spend money on the free days, pay the bill, and save for the shopping trip. That or spend the money, and hope for the best something good happens along the way. Well, in my eagerness to please and fit in, I just went with what everyone wanted to do. Hey, it made for an awesome good time in Chicago so who's complaining right? Definitely not me. But shopping trip came, and I was broke as hell and I ended up spending my money to the very last penny. Well, I had three dollars left. Haha. And yet, I wasn't quite satisfied with what I've purchase. Mainly because I had to settle. I'd find something I really, really like but opt for something QUITE like it for a way cheaper price. I waited three months for this shopping trip to settle?! But there you go again, another fork in the road. Settle or don't settle.

Situation 3: 75% of the time, I'm like a miserable lovesick puppy in dire need of love and attention. I miss having someone special, I miss holding hands with someone, movie dates, cuddling, sweet nothing, yada yada frickin' yada. But when I get the opportunity to "give someone a chance", I shut down faster than an expensive jewelry store's security system. What's wrong with me? I get these kind of options sometimes, and what do I do? I hit the ground running. That's messed up yo.

Situation 4: I was offered a position (a new position created and I was offered it!!) by a higher up at work, and I thought it's my lucky break. But it was an epic fail as my manager wouldn't give me up because "we have too many things to do. That really broke my heart. Here I thought I was getting awesome at what I do, but I guess I wasn't good enough because I felt like I wasn't deserving of that position. I could seriously, honestly, forreal say that I was heartbroken. And trust me, I know NOW how being heartbroken feels like. I was so devastated, I was actually going "what's the point" at work. I was sad, and I lost my motivation to be the best at what I do because what's the point? It doesn't matter if the owner of the company wanted me to be administrative anything. As long as I am needed in my department, I will never move up. I had I choice, I know deep in my heart I had a choice: talk to my manager and tell her exactly how badly I need this new position. It's the big break I've been waiting for. It will help me improve my life. But instead, I chose to shut it so as not to sever any ties with her. She's awesome and all, I know she'll give me good recommendations. So I just decided to suck it up. Grin and bear it.

Actually, I could go on and on and on. But my head hurts from all these rollercoaster feelings I'm unraveling right now. So maybe next time.

Conclusion: trust issues, abandonment issues, low self esteem.. what else?

Wanted: Best Friend

So I had an "atercation" with a friend a couple of weeks back which confirmed my "theory" that I really don't have a bestfriend. NBD.

Anyway, after that. I really tried to control my tongue. When things offend me, bother me, when there's something happy I wanna share, I "TRY" to hold back. What's the point? I have close friends, but I don't have a bestfriend. Well, as far as I feel anyway.

But yeah. NBFD.

God Works In Mysterious Ways

First question: Is it REALLY a part of growing up and being mature to "get over" things that bother you? Do we REALLY have to?

The saying goes, "Forgive and forget." Some would argue that they can forgive but they will never forget. I agree with those some people  because how will you learn your lesson when you forget, right? And while I agree, I think it's suffice to say that I'm actually part of what I think is a very small community of people that would rather forget that forgive.

And sadly enough, I can say I'm very good at that: dodging issues, not wanting to talk about it, ignoring people and things. Yeah, I'm a real masterpiece.

Anyway, enough about my wondering thoughts. Here's my story:

I had to go through an insufferable day yesterday for my friend's paintball party. He and whatsherface had decided they wanted to join my friends, and be part of my life for that day. I had asked God to give me the strength and the patience to deal with them and my storm clouds of emotions for that day. With my game face on (read: shades to cover up my eyes and iPod to tune out the rest of the world), I set out to fulfill my friendly duties for the day. As I was experiencing the constant feeling of that rollercoaster drops, anticipation, stress, and unwanted memories flooding back in.. not to mention suppressed anger boiling and ready to explode, God worked His mysterious way for me. He and whatsherface took a wrong turn along time way (read: let's not confirm that we got the right address and set off into day, shall we?) and ended up in Indiana. (FYI: the Illinois-Indiana-Kentucky-Tennessee-Georgia-Florida route is of very deep and special importance to me. Dipping in Indiana.. not good. Hahaha!!)

I'm thinking he probably got frustrated finding out he ended up in the wrong part of town, seeing as I know he misses the wolfpack (I miss the wolfpack too!! But I guess, we can't always get what we want huh? :[  ). I'm thinking he tried to make do with what he has and made a day of it, not letting it end on a sour not. FYI, if that was me, we'd have been in the right place in a heartbeat. Oh well, that's makes both of us S.O.L then. Again with the sad face :[.

Anyway, the ladies and I powwowed and we pretty much covered that God rewarded me for AT LEAST TRYING to be the bigger person in the situation. Roger wanted his friend for his party, and he shall get it, regardless of the fact that it was supposedly a private party and all.

I'm just really thankful that regardless of the emotional stress I went through that day, I was able to enjoy that day with my adopted family and my friends without any gatecrashers. And hey, don't get me wrong, regardless of what he did to me, he is welcome just because whether I'm angry at him or not, he still resides in my heart together with all my friends that are special to me. He will always a spot, I guarantee it. But that's where I draw the line.

But for now, I'm just gonna have to settle with what I have. Because, from what I've seen so far, God has wonderful plans for me. What that is, I have yet to find out. =/

Dazed and Confused.... and Emotionally Tired.

Yesterday was Roger's paintball party. Days before the said event, all I could do was ask God for strength that I may survived the day, because there will be guests that I prefer not seeing.. because. On the day of, I woke up with a queasy stomach and a broken heart. I'm sorry, but I relive That Day everytime something reminds me of him, and I relive it like it's a nightmare.So much so that I dream about it to. Ugh. And I thought I'm closer to being done with this scenario.

Anyway, I just decided to go to the paintball party because I want to test my patience, I wanna find out how strong I really am. So with the little patience and strength I had, I went with my game face on. Read: stoic face, shades to cover up my eyes so I can roll my eyes and no one will see (haha!), and my iPod to tune out the rest of the world.

I eventually decided I'm not going to play. a.) no money, and I'm kinda tired of everyone spotting for me, b.)I'm so angry about the situation that I probably will lose self-control when I'm teammates with them and if I'm up against them, I'd just look past them, even if they're trying to shoot at me. But more like B, because if you know me, I have anger management issues, and the paintball field is not the place for my rage.

So I just volunteered to run the charcoal grill (man, I'm awesome!!), which was a fun task in itself. I ran around taking videos, pictures, cooking.. I pretty much kept myself occupied "for when the time comes". But then I had to leave at three to drive Roger's cousin home in time for his mandatory graduation dinner. On the way back, I started to "daydream" on the one hour trip back to the paintball field. The two hour window I was gone from the field would've been the perfect time for them to show up, play and leave.

And not to be mean or anything, because I TOTALLY did not see it coming at all, I just felt really relieved, to my surprise and amusement, they ended up going to the wrong place.. all the way in Indiana!! I mean, I feel bad for him and all.. had to do all the driving for nothing. I bet, he was really psyched to go. I can just imagine. But I'm sure he made something out of that trip.

But anyway, after we all left the field to go home, we stopped by the gas station and the girls powwowed. All I could say (since I'm still bewildered and all) was that God must really REALLY love me for me to deserve such a day. All I asked was for God to give me the patience and strength to get through the day, regardless of the misery and stress it could put me through. I was given a rollercoaster of emotions that day.. whenever I'd see a car pull up the parking lot, whenever I'd see two people walking towards our directions, I'd tense up and start having trouble breathing. I just don't want to be in that position anymore. The pain, the hurt, the stress, all the bad feelings and memories rushing in and drowning me.. an emotional slap in the face. I just can't. People may see me strong.. but I'm just a hard-ass trying to cover my emotional struggle. Hah, and I think I'm really good at it. Anyway, reeling it back in (haha!), in a weird twist of fate, they did not make an appearance. And although it almost didn't really benefit me since I was gone, it almost seemed not a big of a deal if ever they showed up. I've already been through the stress early on that day, trying to anticipate their arrival. But like what I've always tried to say.... I must have done something right. I told Dee about my "God loves me" theory and Dee pretty much said that I got rewarded for at least TRYING to be the bigger person in the situation. And I believe her. Granted I was just gonna ignore them anyway.. but at least I TRIED to suffer through my pain in silence in order for Roger to hang out with his friends, regardless of who they were inviting since you know, it was a private party and all. I tried and I went through the motions, and God threw me a little bone. :))

INXS: Since it was an emotional rollercoaster for me that day.. and in true Jaja fashion, can you guess what happened???? I had a dream about him. UGH. Whenever something gave an impact to my day, for whatever reason, I dream about it. All the time. Before, him and I would always talk about this one girl (good or bad conversation, whatever..), that same night, I'd dream about her. Random, weird situations. But whatever. So yeah, I had a dream about him. It was a pretty long and detailed dream (not THAT kind of dream, you perv haha!).. and it was a feel-good kind of dream, that when I woke up, I think it threw my progress back by a year FRICKIN'A!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm back to the sick to the pit of my stomach, hyperventilating, nauseous, fidgety, can't concentrate state of mind. I hate myself! It's like, I care so much about everything and EVERYONE that once it gets under my skin it's there. People that are special to me in one way or another, takes residence in my heart for such a very long time that anything and everything affects me.... because I care so much. I should really just stop caring. It's going to be the death of me.

Whoa There, Bad Dream

So I woke up around 7am this morning because of a really bad dream. (For a detailed account, check my other blog here.) So what do I do after I've blogged it all out? I try and interpret it.

    According to Dream Moods,

    To dream that you are at somebody else's funeral, signifies that you are burying an old relationship and closing the lid on the past. You may be letting go some of the feelings (resentment, anger, hostility toward someone) that you have been clinging onto. If your are dreaming that you are at a funeral of an unknown person, then it suggests that something in your life needs to put to rest or put aside so that you can make room for something new. You need to investigate further what aspect or component of your life you need to let go.

    To dream that you are crying, signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In your daily lives, you tend to ignore, deny, or repress your feelings. But in your dream state, your defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of those feelings that you have repressed during the day. 

    To dream that you are in tears, signify that you are undergoing a period of healing in your life. The tears symbolize compassion, emotional healing and spiritual cleansing. Alternatively, tears indicate pain

    To see a body in a coffin in your dream, signifies that you are going through a period of depression. You may feel confined, restricted and that you are lacking personal freedom. There may be a dead or decaying situation or issue in your life that you need to address. It is time to end this situation or relationship.

    To dream that you are inside a church, suggests that you are seeking for spiritual enlightenment and guidance. You are looking to be uplifted in some way. Perhaps you have made some past mistakes which have set you back on your path toward your goals. With proper support, you will get on the right track again. Alternatively, the dream may also mean that you are questioning and debating your life path and where it is leading. You are reevaluating what you want to do.

    To see others fighting in your dream, suggests that you are unwilling to acknowledge your own problems and turmoil. You are not taking any responsibility or initiative in trying to resolve issues in your waking life.

    To see a shattered and broken window in your dream, represents your distorted view and outlook on life. It is also indicates a state of vulnerability.

    To see or sit on a pew in your dream, suggests that you need to stop and reflect on your past mistakes or issues before you can move forward. You need to question the decisions and choices that you are making. Perhaps it is time to acknowledge your former wrongdoings

    To see friends in your dream, signify aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Alternatively, dreaming of a friend, indicates positive news

    So there it is. I just listed down some of the things I remembered from my dream and tried to interpret it. Basically, it's telling me that I'm ready to move on from my past, I'm ready to close that chapter behind me, that I shouldn't hold back my feelings or pretend it's not there. Pretty much.