11/365 do you think crying is a sign of weakness or strength?

i don't think crying is a sign of weakness. people say crying means that you are strong enough to let whatever that hurts or bothers you go, that maybe crying is a strength because you are strong enough to admit that you can be weak sometimes. for me, crying means that there are things that bother me but it hurts so much that there are no other words to express how it means to me. unless of course you're a crybaby.

9/365

i'm really conservative and shy when it comes to my attitude towards romantic relationships. i was raised in a conservative roman catholic family. i believe that men should be the ones to pursue women. not only should they be pursue, i think that women should be courted and wooed. don't get me wrong, i may have some feministic tendencies at the same time, i believe in equality and fairness between the two sexes. but romantically speaking, i'm all for being wooed, you know?

8/365

i love my sisters, and i love my family. and it took me a while to really appreciate them. so now that i'm back to being close to them, i am trying to be a good daughter and i'm trying to be a good person, someone that my sisters can be proud of and that they'll look up to.

6/365 what do you wish you spent more time doing five years ago?

i know we're not suppose to regret the things we've done, but i have to admit there are quite a few things i regret doing. five years ago, i wish that i focused more on school, improving my skills, and being a better me, instead of partying, hanging out with friends, and spending money.

5/365 what life lesson did you learn the hard way?

there's not just one lesson that i learned the hard way. but something pretty recent happened to me that up until now, what i did still gives me a guilt trip.. and it still shames me everytime i think about it. i i became really close friends with this person, but i became selfish and all i did was take and take in the relationship. after all the harsh words that's been said, i was "forgiven". but i can still hear the disappointment in his voice and in the tone of his letter, that i am just so ashamed of how i acted. all i wanted was a best friend, and because all i can think about is myself, i now have none.

4/365 what gets you excited about life?

the idea of travelling. i have not done a lot of travelling in my life, and i really would wanna start soon. but whenever i hear stories, see pictures, watch movies of travelling and roadtrips and adventures, i get really excited. i get to experience somebody else's life while hoping someday i do the same.

3/365 what's the most sensible thing you've ever heard someone say?

i've received a lot of solicited and unsolicited advice over the years. but the one that would come back to haunt me constantly, are probably the 4 simplest words i'll ever hear: "it's okay. who cares."  it's given me a lot of confidence, whenever i'm reminded of these words. i've slowly stopped being self-conscious of my actions and my thoughts about myself. 

2/365 who do you sometimes compare yourself to?

let's face it, everyone has their insecurities, some show it more than others. sometimes, i compare myself to a lot of people. i compare myself to my friends and wish i am where they are now. here and there, i compare myself to my ex boyfriend, because who doesn't want to come out on the winning end of a break-up, right? i compare myself to people my age to gauge how good or bad the things i've done with and in my life. i compare myself to my sister, because we went through the same things in our childhood and yet our lives have become so different and apart. and lastly, i compare my present self to my past self, because who i am now, is not who my past self have wanted me to be. i guess this means i am my own worst enemy.

1/365 when was the last time you tried something new?

sometime in march, before i made my big move from illinois to california, i got my first tattoo! it's a script of the words "defy gravity" on my right wrist. i've always wanted to get a tattoo, but i knew i had to think long and hard about it, like what it would mean to me, what's the significance of when and why i'm getting one. i've had such a good life in illinois that i knew that at the back of my mind, it's not the right thing to move. but here i am now, just crossing my fingers and trying to "defy gravity".

Let's Get Personal

I just finished watching The Rebound (Catherine Zeta-Jones, Justin Bartha) and I actually like it. [SPOILER ALERT] The premise of the story is that 40 year old Sandy (Zeta-Jones), was living a perfectly normal suburban life when she caught her husband cheating so they got divorced and she and her two kids moved to the city. She met Aram (Bartha), a 25 year old barista working below her apartment. She hires him as a babysitter, he asks him out, they dated blah blah blah. Eventually things didn’t work out because of a pregnancy scare and they went to live their own lives. She went to become a sports news anchor and he traveled the world. After five years, they bumped into each other in a restaurant, and lo and behold, he’s thirty now, more mature, and they got back together. The End.

I know, I usually just post something touristy or travel-related, but I think I want to share this one.

2 Things:

• Sandy left the life she knew and went to start over and create a life for herself and her family in the city. I wish that I had the courage and the strength to do that. Granted I’m only 27 and single, no kids. But that’s just that. I’m 27 and yet I’m so scared of change and starting over. 19 years in the Philippines, 6 in Chicago, and now I’m starting over (yet again) in another place. I feel everybody is moving forward and I can’t seem to get my bearings. Just when I thought I was finally going to make it, I have to pack all my bags and move. I left a lot of baggage in Illinois. No, I didn’t fix it, I ran away from it. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel complete. Sandy had the strength to start over, even with her love life. It’s been 2 and a half years, and I’m still single. No attempt to put my self out there on my part either. After getting out of a 3 year serious relationship (also my first), I’m just too scared to start over, to trust again, to let my wall down and let people in. I actually missed having a best friend. I started having a best friend again but I’m so “messed up in the head” I actually managed to push him out of my life. But that’s a different blog, different day. So anyway, is there still a stigma to dating younger men? I mean, not that I’m looking at younger men right now. Haha. I mean, if I keep up at this pace, I’m going to end up 30+ and still single. To my friends’ amusement, they all say I’m a cougar, even though I’ve barely moved from where I was standing 2 years ago. Alone. But honestly, I’m so scared of being single and being alone, and unloved, when I get older. I have blogs, and hobbies, and all that stuff to keep me company, but to what extent though? I need to be brave, to be more adventurous, I just wish I have that inner drive that I lost somewhere along the way.
• Aram, after the break up, decided to travel the world, per Sandy’s suggestion that he’s still so young and needed to get out there. He got hired to work a corporate desk job, couldn’t live with it, and jumped on the first flight out of the country. There he went places, met people, wrote on journals, worked, volunteered, you name it. I guess you can say that he found himself, because when he came back home, we was indeed a changed man. Are there other ways to find yourself, other than travelling? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I agree. I want, with my whole heart and soul, nothing more than to get out of my room and see the world. I want to visit touristy spots, learn languages, eat local cuisine, experience culture, meet people, hike and swim and climb and run, and of course take lots of pictures. Do people really find themselves when they travel? I long for it so bad. Whenever I see movies that are travel-themed (like Eat, Pray, Love), and have travel scenes (like The Rebound), my heart swells with pride. I mean, I also get that feeling when I’m driving, even just locally. There’s just something about the world and the freedom of driving that makes me feel alive. I couldn’t cut it as a girlfriend, I couldn’t cut it as a bestfriend either. I’ve changed so many jobs in my life time. What is it about me? Can I not stay put in one place and live one life? Or will I just coast along this life? I always feel like I’m running out of time. I feel like I’m chasing something but I don’t know what it else. Most times, I feel trapped in my life. That I want to explode out of my skin. I don’t know.

I guess that’s my poorly written, poorly edited blog entry for now. Pardon my dust.

Getting By

This that are making my days more bearable:

• Knitting
• Netflix
• Books
• Sims 3
• DVR'd shows

Other than that, life is the same. Plus how do you entertain a very energetic (who thinks she's smarter than you) 4 year old kid? Help.

Bored

This boredom is killing me. I guess now I know. One month is all I need for slacking (or a vacation?). Now I'm getting really restless and irritable. I want to make money. I want to go out and make conversations with people in my generation. I want to get out of this house because it's starting to drive me crazy. I can only clean and blog and read and watch TV for so long. Life is walking past me. Everyone is getting ahead and I'm stuck. And yes, I want to make money. Because the sooner I can do that, then the sooner I can get my own car and my own place. I need to get out of here already. Yes, one month.

Chicago

I miss Chicago.

First off, I'm saying Chicago instead of Illinois because Apparently, to the rest of the world (or the US at least), nothing exists outside of Chicago (or Springfield). So everytime, I say I'm from Illinois, people ask "Where, Chicago?" and I got tired of explaining so I just say yes.

Anyway, I miss Chicago.

I miss good cheap coffee from Dunkin Donuts.
I miss the convenience of Popeye's from down the street.
I miss having people to go out dancing with.
I miss the big beautiful city that is, aherm, Chicago.
I miss Portillo's.
I miss my job, and my super-awesome co-workers.
I miss my shoes. And my dresses. And my books. And my sewing machine. And my printer.
I miss my roommates. Our loud conversations, our stupid jokes, our meals together.
I miss my friends. Our ability to be stupid together, and be awesome together. Our inside jokes, our experiences, our stories, our intertwined lives.
I miss my adopted family. Everyone that has treated me as part of their family.
I miss Chicago.

I'm happy to be with my sisters and my mom and the rest of my family and relatives. Is sunshine good for the soul? Because in the past month (ish) that I've been here, I haven't felt sad or miserable. Well, there was that one time that my sister said something mean and it made me cry, I just didn't tell her. But other than that, I have sisters who manage to make me smile. The way they knock on my door and ask for help, or they just barge in and rummage through my closet. Or when they run straight to my room when they come home from school and they tell me what happened during the day. I love it.

I love being part of a team here. But I also love how I tried (and struggled) to live on my own there. I miss my friends so much. But I'm also happy here, right now. I wish I can have both worlds with me. But for now, I'm just mowing forward in this journey.

Tourist of Traveller?

I haven't decided which one I'm going to be, but all I know is that I'm preparing to set up and see the world. My dreams of doing a roadtrip, backpack somewhere, etc, just go out there is getting bigger and bigger. I mean, I imagine, think about, plan about my dream and my heart just swells with happiness. I've started a Trip Jar and hopefully, I save a lot of money because I want to make this come true. I've set out a timetable for myself. Some people have careers, high paying jobs, important positions. This may sound like I'm a person with no ambition, but I've decided that I'm going to get a job to get a job, and nothing else. I will work hard and save and save - and save some more - so that I can travel. I've started following blogs, reading book, and I slowly want this to work for myself. If having a boyfriend or keeping a relationship or meeting someone, or being hired, or whatever is out of my control, this one is all up to me. I will do this. I'm going to try to defy gravity this time.

Almost A Month....

It's been almost a month since I last blogged here. WAAAAY too many things have happened. This is what happened when I procrastinate blogging. All my thoughts, adventures, rants, musings, etc get all jumbled up in my head that instead of sorting it out, I just ignore it.

• I've hung out with old ECC friends and I missed them badly.
• I've celebrated my birthday a week early with one of my really close friends and I got to meet his boyfriend and I was so flattered coz he's never introduced anybody before.
• One of my good friends came home for her spring break and she helped me pack my stuff and it was such a big help, I appreciated it so much.
• I hung out one on one with a lot of people, and it's making me miss them all so much right now.
• I had one of my close friends get mad at me, to the point where I thought we were on our way to bestfriendship but I did a really shitty thing so now I'm not sure I can have what we had back.
• My adopted family threw a party for me before I left. My heart swelled with so much love for them, I had tears. Seriously.
• My last day at work was bittersweet. I, without a doubt, loved working there. 100% no bullshit. It was a relief to leave just because I feel like I deserved a vacation from my normal life. But I loved everyone there and I actually miss them.
• I miss tF. I didn't say goodbye to him and I'm so dumb. I wish I treated him more like a friend than my boss. It would've been nice to have been friends with him. -gah- I miss him.
• I spent the day in Chicago with a couple of friends and it was the most fun ever. I took tons of photos, explored parts of the city I've never seen (or only saw from afar or for a couple of minutes). I love the city and I can't wait to see it again.
• My friends and I finally got to go on our much awaited mini roadtrip to Springfield. I am such a museum nerd, it's not even funny. That was my third time going to the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Museum but it's always fun. And I got to see the Lincoln home this time too.
• My roommate/close friend KC and I had a crying session the day I left. It was the first time we've ever done that. Thinking about it makes me cry all the time. She was the only one who showed me emotions like that. Darn, I'm crying again.
• ....and then of course I left Chicago. 
• ....and I'm in LA!!!!
• The plane ride was bumpy and space was cramped. But that's Spirit Airlines for you.
• Then I got to see my mom and my four younger sisters and it made my heart happy ever since. I mean granted, they do annoy me here and there but that's me being the oldest sister of a 24, 13, 8, and 4 y/o.
• For my birthday weekend, my mom, stepdad, and 2 youngest sisters drove 8+ hours to the northern part of Cali so I can see my 24 y/o sister who's in the USAF and my relatives living in the Bay area.
• Today marks the two weeks I've been here in CA. I've taken tons of pictures, of course. Nothing big happens though since I have no car and job yet. We'd visit places here and there, we did go to Newport Beach over the weekend and that made me so happy I was practically exploding out of my skin, So I've been spending most of my time tagging my photos and blogging. I feel like I am on vacation though. Now, if I can just haul ass and start working out.

Happy New Year!!

Oh wow. This is my first blog for 2012, and I guess that's okay even if the month's halfway over. But even though it's only been a couple of weeks (oh, 3), life's been quite eventful.

• My batchmates and I are having our highschool reunion this year!! :) I can't wait, and I'm crossing my fingers that I can definitely make it! I miss these guys like crazy!
• I signed up at Ravelry, a crocheting/knitting site (that won't give me SPAM!!!!), and I'm ALSO crossing my fingers that I'll get to improve my skills.
• The first day of the year I got to spend it with amazing people. So that should be a sign for a good year right?? *crossfingers*
• Work is stressful right now. Actually life is. I'm doing the same thing everyday. I need something to spice up my life. How about a new hot boyfriend with an English accent who would cater to my needs and whims? :)
• My online life is as busy as ever. I make it sound glamorous, to lessen the intensity of the fact that my online hours are greater than my outside social life hours. I'm kind of like a loser, but with amazing dresses and shoes. :)

..actually, that's it for now coz I gotta get ready. My friend's picking me up, and uh, we're going to Joanne Fabrics.

It's Like....

It's like this loneliness is eating me up inside.
It's like I feel a big hole in me that I've given up the desire to fill.
It's like I have lost all hope and I can't see past tomorrow.
It's like I want to cry out all these pain and sadness but I've run out of tears.
It's like it hurts so much I've ran out of ways to express it.
It's like I thought I've hit rock bottom but I just can't stop falling.
It's like I need help but I look around and the world's an empty place.
It's like I'm done trying and I'm done living.
It's like I just want to be gone.

I want to go somewhere where no one knows who I am. That way, I can stop pretending that I'm happy to the people that knows my problems.

I want to run away.

Thought Overflow

In the past few weeks, I have been living inside my head and I'm just about ready to explode. I don't know where to start so I'm just going to randomly start writing about stuff.

• After writing about my friendship about a certain person, the next few days became weird. We just went from being almost close friends to barely speaking to each other. We went from talking, and texting, and hanging out to zero communication at all. I am so fucking good at pushing people away that I'm pretty sure I did something that now it seems that I have zero friendship with him. I miss his insights and my smart conversations with him. But as is with any other amazing friendship I find, I find something to ruin it. This blows.
• I spent my thanksgiving with a friend's family. I didn't wanna go Black Friday shopping with them because I had no money and I know I'll just be miserable. Plus, think about it: I'll be out in the cold, miserable I'm broke and I have nothing to show for it? Yeah, that blows too.
• I cracked. I had an emotional breakdown and I cried for hours and hours and hours. It felt like there was an empty hole growing inside of me. I was depressed for days on end, I couldn't function at work, I cried every night until I fell asleep. The worst part of it?? I have all these people that are supposedly my friends but I just felt like I couldn't call anybody who would be able to understand/help me. I've never felt more alone. If I ever give off a vibe that you can't call me for anything, please stop. I will pick up the phone at 3am if you just want to talk, if you have a problem, anything. I'm here for you. Any of you.
• I posted online that I'm tired of fighting for my life and I'm tired of trying so I'm just going to give up all together. I don't know. Maybe as a cry for help?? And of course, I had all these online friends respoinding "oh hey what's wrong?" or "what happened?" or whatever. Friends who know my number. Not one called me to ask me what was wrong. That fucking hurts, man. I didn't reply to any one of them, and no one bothered to follow up. Like, seriously. I'm not mad at them though. I'm just frustrated that our world has become so impersonal and distant. It's like everything exists online but nothing matters in the real world anymore.
• Which brings me to superficiality and materialistic whims. What happened to Thanksgiving!? It's like the dinner part has become so obligatory and the want to celebrate this tradition was replaced by Black Friday Madness. Thanksgiving dinner has now become a whimsical power-up strategy meeting of family members on what to buy where at what point during the very cold hours of the night. It was disappointing. Don't get me wrong, it's fun to be with family and friends. But if there were no Black Friday shopping, what would you do for the rest of the night after dinner?
• And another thing.. what the fuck happened to Black Friday?? Before, it actually started on the early hours of Friday. But now? Because of the ridiculous competition between retailers, doors now open earlier and earlier every year! Some stores even opened 9pm on Thursday night. Most ads claimed that their Black Friday extends all weekend all the way to Cyber Monday. Not to mention a handful of stores I know that had a three day early Black Friday Sale for those who a.)got the email, b.)have a code, c.)apply for credit cards, whatever whatever whatever. It's ridiculous!! The planning to go shopping for Black Friday lasted longer than planning what to serve for dinner!! I don't know man. Maybe I'm just saying that because I'm a hating broke-ass person, but I still think it's ridiculous.
• They should allot a Buyer's Remorse Day after all this shopping, for those who are starting to feel the dents in their wallets.
• I've realized something: whenever I have any wants or needs, I should keep them to myself. Because I've found that whenever I throw out to the universe that there are particular things that I want/need for myself and obviously can't have it for whatever reason.. well, somebody else that I know finds a way to have it for themselves. That blows as well.
• Am I a depressed person? Clinically diagnosed, I mean. All I know is that, if ground underneath me opens right now to eat me whole, I'd be more than okay with it. I've come to the point of this emptiness and sadness that I really, REALLY have stopped trying. I mean who cares anyway? Nobody apparently. I've realized after all these crying and unexplicable pain I feel that I'm ready to die. And no I'm not going to kill myself. But something were to happen to me, I'd be okay. Because I'm fucking done with the world.

Oh Hello Good Dream

So I'm kind of in a good mood this morning, because I just had a really wonderful dream. And I will not stop reiterating it. I actually feel giddy, haha. I'd share what my dream was, but I know it'll sound just ridiculous to everybody else. Let's just say it was -of course- about tF.

Anyway, long story short, I had an awesome dream and that's it. Good Frickin' Morning. \^o^/

****

In other news, the last week at work have been REALLY stressful. The only way to describe it is that I'm in job position limbo. I'm already doing the work of my "new job" but I just can't quite leave my old position behind. Since none of the new girls can work in the morning, I have to do my new job in my old desk so I can do BOTH jobs. The work load of the new job is not what stresses me out, I like it actually.

It's just that, I honestly believe that I think I have undiagnosed ADD.. well maybe. When I do my new job, I have to focus really hard and tune everybody out so I don't mess up. There's a lot of numbers and paperworks and all that stuff I have to take care of. BUT, when I'm still working the old job, I have to stop every five minutes (sometimes not even) so I can answer the phone, transfer the call, page someone, take care of a customer, blah blah blah. And when that happens, I have to refocus to continue what I was previously doing. AAAAND I really have a hard time refocusing. I'm always like, "Where was I?", "What was I doing again?", "Wait, I lost my place."

I gotta say, I've gotten really good with crying on the inside. You know, like, you cry coz you're frustrated but you literally show no tears. But apparently, I shouldn't complain because this is what I've wanted. Yes. But No. I don't want to hate my job, and the people I work with because I ACTUALLY love my job and the people I work with. And that's saying something, because most of the time, you get either or. Not both. And I've had a bajillion jobs so I know for a fact that I really do want to stay in this company.

 ****

In other OTHER news, I went to a wedding over the weekend. It was soooo pretty!! It was a small wedding, just family and friends. But really, who am I to say it's a small wedding. As far as weddings go, I've only been to two, and the first one I was a bridesmaid in a wedding party of 21 (pshyea no joke, and no that doesn't include the godparents and such), and there were 250 guests.

Anyway, after seeing my friend's wedding, I've decided it's not the amount of people or the lavishness of the ceremony/reception that makes a beautiful wedding. It's the spirit of it. The essence, the execution, the people. Anyway, my friend's wedding, like I said was beautiful. The groom and his men were wearing white tuxes, the Tiffany blue really popped out against the white and silver, the music they played during cocktail hour was classy and elegant, and the couple's first dance was just frickin' lovely and adorable. Oh and the Dj was hella funny too, BUT he has to go back to DJ-ing school because the way he mixed songs was ATROCIOUS. Of course, I held my composure as they were doing the Father-Daughter dance, touchy subject for me that's why.

Oh, did I mention the open bar? Haha.

photocredit: KaterinaBeth

****

Tuesday came and went. But Prime Factor and I didn't hang out. So we just took a raincheck to do lunch and hang out since there was no time coz he had a deal coming in after he gets out of work so he had to stay around. Instead, he texted me and told me he'll come visit me for a couple of hours at work. Unfortunately for me, I can only do 30 minutes of those two hours coz I'm not really allowed to leave my desk for ANY social hour.

Then I went out to dinner with MommyDee and PFN (acronym meaning withheld as it's just between Prime Factor and me (I?) ). After a free dinner, courtesy of the wonderful MommyDee, we checked out t he new Walmart and got dropped off home.

Prime Factor and I had another Application Trial Session. Last time, we did Skype, Tango, and Qik Chat, We compared notes and which was the best. We couldn't work the camera on Skype, we couldn't work Qik Chat AT ALL, and Tango had good voice quality but the camera would freeze here and there. Last night we tried TikL, which is like the smartphone app version of Nextel's PTT (push to talk, yo), or your average walkie talkie. It was a fun way to communicate, as long as you remember to hold the phone at least 3 inches away from your pie-hole. And it's not for an actual serious heart to heart conversation. It's pretty much like twitter, but with voice.

****

And I guess that's that for now. Sorry for the long blog entry, but did I mention I had a really awesome dream? Haha. That's probably why I got so motivated to recap the last week of my life. 

That's it for now, I gotta get ready for work. :)

Pinteresting.

I have a lot of things to blog about but as always, the world wide web is taking over my life. Specifically, Pinterest. Now I have a whole bunch of DIY projects lined up and I just need to go to the thrift store and craft store for it. It's going to be fun, fun, fun!