11/365 do you think crying is a sign of weakness or strength?

i don't think crying is a sign of weakness. people say crying means that you are strong enough to let whatever that hurts or bothers you go, that maybe crying is a strength because you are strong enough to admit that you can be weak sometimes. for me, crying means that there are things that bother me but it hurts so much that there are no other words to express how it means to me. unless of course you're a crybaby.

Let's Get Personal

I just finished watching The Rebound (Catherine Zeta-Jones, Justin Bartha) and I actually like it. [SPOILER ALERT] The premise of the story is that 40 year old Sandy (Zeta-Jones), was living a perfectly normal suburban life when she caught her husband cheating so they got divorced and she and her two kids moved to the city. She met Aram (Bartha), a 25 year old barista working below her apartment. She hires him as a babysitter, he asks him out, they dated blah blah blah. Eventually things didn’t work out because of a pregnancy scare and they went to live their own lives. She went to become a sports news anchor and he traveled the world. After five years, they bumped into each other in a restaurant, and lo and behold, he’s thirty now, more mature, and they got back together. The End.

I know, I usually just post something touristy or travel-related, but I think I want to share this one.

2 Things:

• Sandy left the life she knew and went to start over and create a life for herself and her family in the city. I wish that I had the courage and the strength to do that. Granted I’m only 27 and single, no kids. But that’s just that. I’m 27 and yet I’m so scared of change and starting over. 19 years in the Philippines, 6 in Chicago, and now I’m starting over (yet again) in another place. I feel everybody is moving forward and I can’t seem to get my bearings. Just when I thought I was finally going to make it, I have to pack all my bags and move. I left a lot of baggage in Illinois. No, I didn’t fix it, I ran away from it. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel complete. Sandy had the strength to start over, even with her love life. It’s been 2 and a half years, and I’m still single. No attempt to put my self out there on my part either. After getting out of a 3 year serious relationship (also my first), I’m just too scared to start over, to trust again, to let my wall down and let people in. I actually missed having a best friend. I started having a best friend again but I’m so “messed up in the head” I actually managed to push him out of my life. But that’s a different blog, different day. So anyway, is there still a stigma to dating younger men? I mean, not that I’m looking at younger men right now. Haha. I mean, if I keep up at this pace, I’m going to end up 30+ and still single. To my friends’ amusement, they all say I’m a cougar, even though I’ve barely moved from where I was standing 2 years ago. Alone. But honestly, I’m so scared of being single and being alone, and unloved, when I get older. I have blogs, and hobbies, and all that stuff to keep me company, but to what extent though? I need to be brave, to be more adventurous, I just wish I have that inner drive that I lost somewhere along the way.
• Aram, after the break up, decided to travel the world, per Sandy’s suggestion that he’s still so young and needed to get out there. He got hired to work a corporate desk job, couldn’t live with it, and jumped on the first flight out of the country. There he went places, met people, wrote on journals, worked, volunteered, you name it. I guess you can say that he found himself, because when he came back home, we was indeed a changed man. Are there other ways to find yourself, other than travelling? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I agree. I want, with my whole heart and soul, nothing more than to get out of my room and see the world. I want to visit touristy spots, learn languages, eat local cuisine, experience culture, meet people, hike and swim and climb and run, and of course take lots of pictures. Do people really find themselves when they travel? I long for it so bad. Whenever I see movies that are travel-themed (like Eat, Pray, Love), and have travel scenes (like The Rebound), my heart swells with pride. I mean, I also get that feeling when I’m driving, even just locally. There’s just something about the world and the freedom of driving that makes me feel alive. I couldn’t cut it as a girlfriend, I couldn’t cut it as a bestfriend either. I’ve changed so many jobs in my life time. What is it about me? Can I not stay put in one place and live one life? Or will I just coast along this life? I always feel like I’m running out of time. I feel like I’m chasing something but I don’t know what it else. Most times, I feel trapped in my life. That I want to explode out of my skin. I don’t know.

I guess that’s my poorly written, poorly edited blog entry for now. Pardon my dust.

Getting By

This that are making my days more bearable:

• Knitting
• Netflix
• Books
• Sims 3
• DVR'd shows

Other than that, life is the same. Plus how do you entertain a very energetic (who thinks she's smarter than you) 4 year old kid? Help.

Bored

This boredom is killing me. I guess now I know. One month is all I need for slacking (or a vacation?). Now I'm getting really restless and irritable. I want to make money. I want to go out and make conversations with people in my generation. I want to get out of this house because it's starting to drive me crazy. I can only clean and blog and read and watch TV for so long. Life is walking past me. Everyone is getting ahead and I'm stuck. And yes, I want to make money. Because the sooner I can do that, then the sooner I can get my own car and my own place. I need to get out of here already. Yes, one month.

Show It, Don't Say It.

Disclaimer: Another rant blog.

I'm tired of people. They always say one thing and do another. I have friends who always hit me up to hang out, call or text me if they have stories to tell, rants to get off their chest, all that stuff.

• If they're single, once they're in a relationship, not only do I take the backseat, I feel like my friendship if out the window.
• If they're in a relationship, they wanna hang out with me, but they can't NOT hang out with the other person at the same time.

I FUCKING HATE BEING THE THIRD WHEEL.

Another thing. I had this one friend and we became really good friends real fast. Or so I FUCKING thought. He was miserable at his old job, and whenever he was at work, we'd text all day, we'd talk or videochat almost everyday. I HONESTLY thought, "hey, maybe I'm gonna have a bestfriend." Well, no fucking way. I don't know what happened but, suddenly, as soon as he's out of this miserable job and moved to another one, he doesn't talk to me anymore. I know he's talking more to another friend who got him the job. I'm not jealous, but I feel like a fucking replacement.

I told him how I felt about my fear of breaking down my wall and letting people in and building relationships (friendships and otherwise), and he made me feel that he was gonna stick around. He made me feel that I matter. (Oh god no, I'm not in love with him). When I'm with my friends, I take the backseat. But when I hang out with him, he's all "let's do what you want to do!" and made me feel that I matter, that my opinions count. And then he just disappeared.

I'M DEEPLY FUCKING HURT.

A part of me is thinking, hmm, maybe he's mad at me. Maybe he's all sulky that I'm moving to California, when he made a valid argument on why I should stay. A little teeny tiny part of me thought that maybe he wanted me to stay because he wants to keep our friendship around, close by, not from the other side of the country. It's nice to feel wanted, you know? But maybe I Just imagined it.

I'M NOT A REPLACEMENT FRIEND, OKAY?

On that note....

Until recently, I was questioning my decision to give in and move to California. I would miss all these friends that I have here. Friends that I don't have the courage to call when I feel rotten inside because I feel like I'm invading in their privacy and personal life. At least, when I'm in Cali, even when I feel sad and alone, there's a reason: 'coz I don't have any friends there at all.

And then I have these friends who are all flabbergasted after finding out that I'm moving. They're all "OMG I'm gonna miss you so much!!" But A.)before finding out, they're life was moving perfectly along without including me, and B.)they're making all these fake plans to hang out One Last Time before I leave. Oh and C.)They say they're gonna miss me but does not show signs of seeing one one last time. I'm hurt because.. well, just because, but then I feel numb.

I'VE REACHED THE POINT OF NUMBNESS. I'M NOW DEAD INSIDE.

What sucks too is that I also have friends who made plans to hang out with me before I leave, and then suddenly I'm making arrangements around their significant others' schedule. Not to be selfish or anything, but I thought it was for you and me. and you & them and me. I mean, granted, I have one friend do just that and I actually feel flattered because he's never introduced a significant other to me before, but the others? Ugh. No. I wanna hang out with you, my friend. Not you while you hold your partner's hand and sneak kisses while I'm not looking.

I'm sorry, and I hate to say this because lord knows how much I love you guys, but if I can't get my friends to at least pretend that i'm a significant part of their lives (as they are to mine), then even if it kills me, I'd rather just stay at home and knit while I await the days of my departure.

Loneliness is more painful than dying.

Come Find Me

I don't know what is happening to me. I've been feeling really hopeless lately. I feel empty and alone and lonely and unhappy. I can't find any more words to express how I feel. The last time this happened to me, I cried practically every night for two weeks just right before Thanksgiving. What happened to me?? It sounds so cliche, and I'm pretty sure people won't take me seriously, but sometimes I'd imagine how I'd die. Sometimes I'd imagine how it'd feel if I just drove straight to oncoming traffic. Or falling down a flight of stairs. Or falling over a balcony. Maybe cancer. I'd imagine having a slow death, or maybe instantaneous. I'd imagine how my friends would react. Would it be better for them for me to die slowly or quick? It's just that I know that when I die, all these people will "be sad" or "mourn" and go to my wake and pay respects, say all this wonderful lovely things about me. How I'm an awesome person, funny, such a good friend, all that bullshit. But what about now? When I'm dying on the inside from loneliness, sadness, when I'm going crazy trying to hold back from crying my eyes out, and yet also going crazy when I bawl. Where will all these people be? When I'm at this point when I feel empty and depressed and alone, I want somebody to be next to me, someone who'll just rub my back, give me hugs, hand me the kleenex, while I let myself go and cry. But who will be strong enough and brave enough to be there for me? Who will be willing to come find me and tell me that even though not everything is going to be okay, that's it's okay, because I have a friend who won't let anything bad happen to me. You know, I have all these people right? But when I look back, when I hypothetically look behind me, I'm alone. I'm soooo tired of feeling like this. I'm so tired of crying and feeling empty and feeling all these emotions. And then put on a fake smile when I walk out of my room. I wanna run away. I wanna run away from here, from this room, be anywhere else but here. I wanna run away from myself. I wanna be anybody but me. Because what I am right now is pathetic. No one understands what I'm going through, what I'm feeling, or me. Why do people not know? Because I've heard it all before. Everything's going to be okay. God has plans for you. It will work itself out. You'll be okay. You'll be fine. Don't worry about it. Other people have it worse. The funny thing is, and this too shall sound so cliche, but I do have suicidal thoughts. But I'm too much of a coward to go through with it. Not for anything other than it's painful. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that if I were to get into an accident, I won't even fight to survive it. I know I'm messed up in the head. But I'm just so fucking tired.

Mood Swing

Okay, something's wrong with me. Not that I doubted that before. Anyway, I was watching this Disney movie online and then my mom called and I didn't answer because I knew why she was calling and I just ignored it and then I just started crying. And now, I fell on one of my mood swings again. I haven't talked to my mom in at least a couple of weeks, and I miss her. And I miss my sisters. And my mom's stories about my sisters. But I' just can't bring myself to talk to her. I don't want to tell her that I stopped trying already. There's this thing that's gonna happen in a couple of weeks or so that is totally going to make or break me. And my mom has been trying her best working hard to help me, and me? I just stopped trying altogether. Who wants to see their daughter give up? Not my mom. I'm her oldest, and I know she'll do everything in her power to take care of me. I'm 27 fucking years old and i still have my mom to protect and take care of me. I can't tell my mom i stopped trying, and that i gave up already. i just can't. i miss her so much.

Happy New Year!!

Oh wow. This is my first blog for 2012, and I guess that's okay even if the month's halfway over. But even though it's only been a couple of weeks (oh, 3), life's been quite eventful.

• My batchmates and I are having our highschool reunion this year!! :) I can't wait, and I'm crossing my fingers that I can definitely make it! I miss these guys like crazy!
• I signed up at Ravelry, a crocheting/knitting site (that won't give me SPAM!!!!), and I'm ALSO crossing my fingers that I'll get to improve my skills.
• The first day of the year I got to spend it with amazing people. So that should be a sign for a good year right?? *crossfingers*
• Work is stressful right now. Actually life is. I'm doing the same thing everyday. I need something to spice up my life. How about a new hot boyfriend with an English accent who would cater to my needs and whims? :)
• My online life is as busy as ever. I make it sound glamorous, to lessen the intensity of the fact that my online hours are greater than my outside social life hours. I'm kind of like a loser, but with amazing dresses and shoes. :)

..actually, that's it for now coz I gotta get ready. My friend's picking me up, and uh, we're going to Joanne Fabrics.

It's Like....

It's like this loneliness is eating me up inside.
It's like I feel a big hole in me that I've given up the desire to fill.
It's like I have lost all hope and I can't see past tomorrow.
It's like I want to cry out all these pain and sadness but I've run out of tears.
It's like it hurts so much I've ran out of ways to express it.
It's like I thought I've hit rock bottom but I just can't stop falling.
It's like I need help but I look around and the world's an empty place.
It's like I'm done trying and I'm done living.
It's like I just want to be gone.

I want to go somewhere where no one knows who I am. That way, I can stop pretending that I'm happy to the people that knows my problems.

I want to run away.

Superficial Wishes

C'mon. Everybody has them. But not everyone would be ballsy enough to admit so. Here's my list:

• I wish I was skinny. (..and by that I mean 5'5" and 120lbs)
• I wish I was rich. (not the "the world is my playground" kind of thing, not even the "socialite" rich. just.. well, rich.)
• I wish I was pretty. (i don't want boys at my feet 24/7. i just wanna be pretty where guys will actually want to ask me out, do double takes, heck yea even check me out.)
• I wish I have a talent. (talents that will amaze people, like dancing, or singing, or playing an instrument, or painting.)
• I wish I was happy. (..and not where I wish everyday that I wish I'd disappear.)
• I wish I had a bestfriend. (then maybe, life will be easier.)

Thought Overflow

In the past few weeks, I have been living inside my head and I'm just about ready to explode. I don't know where to start so I'm just going to randomly start writing about stuff.

• After writing about my friendship about a certain person, the next few days became weird. We just went from being almost close friends to barely speaking to each other. We went from talking, and texting, and hanging out to zero communication at all. I am so fucking good at pushing people away that I'm pretty sure I did something that now it seems that I have zero friendship with him. I miss his insights and my smart conversations with him. But as is with any other amazing friendship I find, I find something to ruin it. This blows.
• I spent my thanksgiving with a friend's family. I didn't wanna go Black Friday shopping with them because I had no money and I know I'll just be miserable. Plus, think about it: I'll be out in the cold, miserable I'm broke and I have nothing to show for it? Yeah, that blows too.
• I cracked. I had an emotional breakdown and I cried for hours and hours and hours. It felt like there was an empty hole growing inside of me. I was depressed for days on end, I couldn't function at work, I cried every night until I fell asleep. The worst part of it?? I have all these people that are supposedly my friends but I just felt like I couldn't call anybody who would be able to understand/help me. I've never felt more alone. If I ever give off a vibe that you can't call me for anything, please stop. I will pick up the phone at 3am if you just want to talk, if you have a problem, anything. I'm here for you. Any of you.
• I posted online that I'm tired of fighting for my life and I'm tired of trying so I'm just going to give up all together. I don't know. Maybe as a cry for help?? And of course, I had all these online friends respoinding "oh hey what's wrong?" or "what happened?" or whatever. Friends who know my number. Not one called me to ask me what was wrong. That fucking hurts, man. I didn't reply to any one of them, and no one bothered to follow up. Like, seriously. I'm not mad at them though. I'm just frustrated that our world has become so impersonal and distant. It's like everything exists online but nothing matters in the real world anymore.
• Which brings me to superficiality and materialistic whims. What happened to Thanksgiving!? It's like the dinner part has become so obligatory and the want to celebrate this tradition was replaced by Black Friday Madness. Thanksgiving dinner has now become a whimsical power-up strategy meeting of family members on what to buy where at what point during the very cold hours of the night. It was disappointing. Don't get me wrong, it's fun to be with family and friends. But if there were no Black Friday shopping, what would you do for the rest of the night after dinner?
• And another thing.. what the fuck happened to Black Friday?? Before, it actually started on the early hours of Friday. But now? Because of the ridiculous competition between retailers, doors now open earlier and earlier every year! Some stores even opened 9pm on Thursday night. Most ads claimed that their Black Friday extends all weekend all the way to Cyber Monday. Not to mention a handful of stores I know that had a three day early Black Friday Sale for those who a.)got the email, b.)have a code, c.)apply for credit cards, whatever whatever whatever. It's ridiculous!! The planning to go shopping for Black Friday lasted longer than planning what to serve for dinner!! I don't know man. Maybe I'm just saying that because I'm a hating broke-ass person, but I still think it's ridiculous.
• They should allot a Buyer's Remorse Day after all this shopping, for those who are starting to feel the dents in their wallets.
• I've realized something: whenever I have any wants or needs, I should keep them to myself. Because I've found that whenever I throw out to the universe that there are particular things that I want/need for myself and obviously can't have it for whatever reason.. well, somebody else that I know finds a way to have it for themselves. That blows as well.
• Am I a depressed person? Clinically diagnosed, I mean. All I know is that, if ground underneath me opens right now to eat me whole, I'd be more than okay with it. I've come to the point of this emptiness and sadness that I really, REALLY have stopped trying. I mean who cares anyway? Nobody apparently. I've realized after all these crying and unexplicable pain I feel that I'm ready to die. And no I'm not going to kill myself. But something were to happen to me, I'd be okay. Because I'm fucking done with the world.

Lots of Nothings.

I have a lot to blog about. But I just don't want to get into it, because it would mean dealing with a lot of emotions, and I'm just too sick and tired of that.

So now I digress.

It's so frustrating to have tF as a boss because I'm having mad "Like" issues with him.
Plus, I heard he's got a girlfriend in the city?
She's probably pretty and smart and all that hoopla.

Ugh. I'm sick of this.

Words From A Stranger

I was training the new girl again last night, and during the course of the evening when it slowed down, we got to talking about each other's life. We somehow ended up talking about MY (non-existent) lovelife.

Not in order, here are the words that she's shared with me.

That's a long time to for a girl not to be loved. I think you deserved it at most a year into him leaving.
            -on me not having someone for that last two years

Girl, you need to get out there. You say you can't flirt, but you just have to go out there and do it. The least they can do is say no right? And you don't even know them that well, so it's not a big deal.
            -on my inability to flirt

 From what I can see, you have a really awesome personality. I don't know why you're so hesitant to put yourself out there. All you have to do is take all the good things and make them better. The bad ones? Just leave them at the door.
            -on how I should go about putting myself out there

I've only trained her three random days and she says I have an awesome pesonality. Maybe she's just being nice, but then again that's just me again taking a compliment and shredding it to pieces with my self-doubt. If a stranger can see that I have a good personality and that I deserve someone since apparently I'm awesome like that, I think about the times I've met people and my low self-esteem forbade me to put myself out there where I can be vulnerable again. They probably saw it too. But I was too caught up on my loneliness that it never occured to me that I deserve to be happy too.

Thanks, MP, for the kind words. :)

..and the award for Best Outburst of the Year goes to....

I had a really bad day yesterday, to the point where I was kicking stuff on the floor and throwing things in the air because I couldn't find something. It was raining nonstop, my car window was stuck open at 2 inches, and the driver's seat was drenched. Add to the fact that the mess in my room is stressing me out. I can't wait for Thursday when I can get a new storage for all these crap. I actually want my room to look as minimalistic as possible. I guess I just can't handle it.

I knew I snapped yesterday when the only thing that made me feel better was to swear out loud. Nope, not kidding. I gave up swearing years ago. I mean, there are times when I would tweet/blog (etc) swear words and stuff, but never out loud. All my swear words are eff this, fudge that. mothertrucker, ish. But yesterday, while getting ready for work and being mad at the world, all that came out of my mouth was Fuck It, Fuck This Shit, Fucking Shit.... well you get the idea.

Trapped

This entry might get a bit confusing so just roll with me, okay?

Lately, I've been feeling really trapped, hindered. Like I know I can do more, but things are just stopping me. Simple things. Like the fact that today is my day off and I have tons of things to do and yet I'm limited by my car. Since I've been driving around a barely-manageable car, I can literally go so far. And it sucks because my next day off would be four days from now, and I wouldn't even call it a day off because I've already set that date to move storages. So today would've been the perfect time to do my other errands.

On a slightly bigger picture, I hate the fact that I want to hang out with all these people that I miss and haven't hung out with in forever but time, money, and transportation forbids me to do so. When I become ballin', I will make it a point to allot more time to my friends. I miss quality time with quality people.. not to mention I've really been craving for some decent conversations.

And on the biggest picture of all, life. My mom would here and there send me picture messages of my sisters in California. The more she does that, the more I wish I was there with them. I mean, granted I don't want to live in the same roof because hello, I'm 26, I still want that feeling of home. Where I can see my sisters and take them shopping, or to the museums, or any random fun trip. They are just the cutest bunch ever and I miss them so much! And of course that feeling of a home-cooked meal when I come over for Sunday Family Dinner. I miss the feeling of "coming home, it's been a really long time since I've had that feeling.

For 2012, I want to get a zero-mile brand new car. I want to visit England. I want to go back home for my highschool reunion. And I want to go to California.

I'm itching so bad to get out of here. Out of this apartment, out of everything that I know here. I love it here. But that much-needed escape I should have taken two years ago is slowly creeping up on me. I need to get out of here.

Bring It On, Life.

The last couple of weeks have been really packed with life and lessons for me. I don't even know where to start. Let me try..

• My car had died in the middle of the road late one night and I was trying to figure out what to do when two dudes pulled over to the side and offered to help me. My first thought was, "Holy crap, this is a Law and Order SVU waiting to happen!! Run!!". But after a couple of minutes, something just came over me and my mind pretty much just went "I will leave it all up to God. Whatever happens, happens." Afther they've helped me push my car to an empty parking lot, they left while i waited for my roommates to rescue me. I felt guilty I judged those two guys. With their towering heights, bulky built, baggy clothes and raggedy car, I couldn't help but get scared. I mean, I've seen ALL SVU episodes to know that the world is a cruel, cruel world.
• In a span of less than 24 hours, I have managed to slice my finger (with a knife) and my heel (with a broken glass). Mind you, both cuts were I'd say 3cms long and 3/4 of a cm deep. Just saying.
• I got a job interview and they actually offered me the job so yay for me!
• A friend passed away and I attended his service a week after. I was shocked to the point that I refused to accept how it happened, why it happened. But things happened throughout the week that made it easier for me. I think Matt helped.
• During the funeral service, I've seen people I haven't seen in such a long time. Some I've become estranged to, some I've missed more than others. Altogether, I've convinced myself that I should, in one way or another, try annd fix (and maintain) these relationships because you never know when it's gonna be too late. It may be a cliche, but it's true.
• We are hiring two positions at work and I'm going to be training them!! I feel that seniority coming in, and I'm kinda excited. Of course, all advancements have responsibilities attached to them. I'm kinda nervous because I'm just not good with failure. But bottomline is, I'm already 26 years old, and even though people say I'm still young and there's still time, I have no time to redo my life. I can't go back to the beginning. Onward-bound ho!
• I've noticed that I'm starting to become more comfortable about myself. My personality, my body, my strengths and weaknesses. Even this whole single status thing doesn't bother me as much anymore. Something came over me and I don't know what, but I'm very thankful for it.

I think that is it for now. I'm about to run errands and maybe I'll think of something else to write about. Peace out!

The Race of the Parked Car

I am VERY competitive. But of course, I try to hide it. Because the only way I can push myself is if no one knows I'm competing with them, right? Haha! I know that reasoning is soooo faulty in so many levels, but Oh Well.

Just a little thought.

Here I Go Again

Obviously, I say this over and over and over.. and over and over and over. Everyone's probably tired of hearing me talk about it, but I just can't help it.

I can't wait for the day I can run away. I'll obviously come back, but that's because I have loyalty issues. I just want to get away for a while and find myself. Maybe when I return, I'll be a better me. I feel like I'm just a face in the crowd. I have times when I know I'm better than this, I see what I can do, I see what I'm made of. But there are these other times when I'm just very self-conscious, my self-esteem low, body image down the gutter. Shame, shame on me.

I can't wait until I finally figure out who I am.

Displaced.

Maybe it's just me. **shrug**

Lately, I've been feeling really out of place in my own apartment. The only place I feel the most comfortable in is my room. It really had become my sanctuary lately. I can't explain it. I just get these heavy feeling sometimes whenever I walk inside the house. Like I'm just a renter.

It's especially hard when half the time I would be constantly be made fun of. Like why I still don't have a boyfriend, or "how can you live with yourself" comments about my sex life. And according to them, I'm useless and I'm lazy. Disclaimer: Just because I don't wanna do it, doesn't mean I'm lazy.

KC: Ja, can you please bring these (milk jug and something else) downstairs?
ME:  [jokingly pushes it to the side in front of roger]
KC: Cmon.
ME; According to you, men should take out the trash. If we're going with that logic, then Roger should take it.
KC: Yeah, but that's just between me and Roger.
DEE: Then why didn't you wash the dishes? (and everyone laughs)
ME: [I just kept quiet because, if I open my mouth they're just gonna gang up on me]
KC: [takes the stuff and starts walking away] you're so lazy sometimes.

Point Number One: Did I say I didn't want to take it downstairs? No.
Point Number Two: Like I said, even if I didn't wanna do it, that doesn't mean I'm lazy. It means I didn't wanna do it.
Point Number Three: If that argument was just between her and Roger, then she shouldn't have said that guys are supposed to blah blah blah. And if that's the case, her asking me to take the garbage out.. what's that say about the relationship between me and her? She was already done with the dishes, she was holding the garbage, what's one more step? Sure, I was sitting there. But still. Her argument was invalid. FYI, half the time she has a counter-argument for everything. (wait, that doesn't even make sense)
Point Number Four: So girls are supposed to wash the dishes while the men take out the trash? What is this, 1920s? (hah, probably not accurate.. just throwing a random year out there, but you get my drift).
Point Number Five: She was walking away when she tried to call me out (pssh, by muttering under hear breath). She couldn't even say it straight to my face.

What about that one night when Kuya Quartz was cooking something and KC was cleaning up the sink? There was no rice, and Kuya Quartz asked me to cook rice. I said, I'll do it after KC's done. I heard him laughingly tell KC that I'm useless because I still have to be told to cook rice and that I didn't go right away.

How about when most of the time, KC refers to things with "my". My couch, my carpet, my dining table, my bacon, my juice, my kitchen, my my my my my. Even though it's not. I know I've never heard Kuya Quartz refer to anything "my" just because it was supposed to be a shared household anyway. So now, I made it a point that when THEY do THEIR GROCERIES and make THEIR FOOD, I wait until I'm offered before I touch any of THEIR STUFF.

I get made fun of, I get criticized for the way I live my life, call out names,  laugh at me and how I handle things. Pssh, I know that they think my life is a joke in general. I feel it with the way they treat me. But why am I still friends with them? I don't know. Maybe because when you're family, you accept the people the way they are. You respect the fact that they are who they are. Which is something I wish they'd be towards me.

For now I guess I'll just suck it up. They're supposedly my friends, right? Maybe things will get better.

But like I said.. maybe it's just me. **shrugh*

Wanted: Best Friend

So I had an "atercation" with a friend a couple of weeks back which confirmed my "theory" that I really don't have a bestfriend. NBD.

Anyway, after that. I really tried to control my tongue. When things offend me, bother me, when there's something happy I wanna share, I "TRY" to hold back. What's the point? I have close friends, but I don't have a bestfriend. Well, as far as I feel anyway.

But yeah. NBFD.