More Dreams

So I had another dream last night. This was actually extra weird, but I kinda like it. Haha. Since I don't remember most of it anymore, all I know is that I'm going out with John Dorian (not Zach Braff, but John Dorian), and we went on a vacation somewhere and the gas stove randomly switched on and an evil spirit was trying to burn the house down while we're in it. Then we all tried to rush home, so we jumped in the car and drove off. But the evil spirit would make a car appear in front of us and we'd rear-end the car. Some other things happened in between, but that's pretty much the end of it. Maybe too much Scrubs? Haha

Dream On

I've been waking up really tired the last few days, if that even makes sense. I've been having really tiring dreams. Usually it involves running and chasing, well, being chased. 

I need to keep a notebook next to me so I can write down my dreams. I don't have recurring dreams. But I have recurring themes. Like, I'd run or fly or jump a certain way with a certain feeling. And now that I think about it, half the time I'm usually being chased. The other times, I'm meeting "a love of my life" and there's never a face.

Well anyway, since I woke up barely 10 minutes ago, I figure I'd try to decode my dream.

My dream is already starting to get skewed because I spent some time trying to find the meanings of the symbolism of my dream. The story, basically, is that I was attending my high school reunion and I was with my friend Iciang, and I happened to look across the gymnasium and saw an old classmate Dlan. I kept pointing him out to Iciang because she couldn't see him and after a few minutes, Dlan walked up to us. Then we all went out to somewhere, I think to eat, but I'm not sure anymore. Then suddenly, I was being chased by  this big fat dirty slob man with a revolver, because I was chasing a little girl in a white girly dress. She was using a rope to scale walls and trees, while I was climbing the shit out of them. At one point I ended up in somebody's living room and the guy was still on my tail. I was circling the living room, then I saw a fluttering curtain which meant an open window. I ran to that side of the room and parted the curtain to see a window that swivels in the middle, but I still manage to slide out. The guy was still shooting at me and at this point I managed to lose the girl. I found myself in the middle of this tree farm and the bad guy had a group of 2 guys and one lady and they were chasing me. I ended up running towards the opposite way of where the girl was supposed to be.When I realized it, I started climbing trees and jumping from one to another to find her. I finally go to her then I told her to give me the rope and I tied one end on her waist and the other on mine, so I don't lose her again. The guy caught up to us but he managed to lose his revolver and I ended up catching it. First I threatened to shoot him, and when he won't stop charging at us, I aimed the gun at his fat thigh and shot him, but the revolver was empty. Then I don't know how but I found gardening scissors and I threw one to the little girl and we were trying to stab the guy.... AND THEN I WOKE UP.

Revolver 
To see a revolver in your dream symbolizes lingering danger. It also represents fear, anger, aggression, and your quick temper. You are using your power to protect yourself against the fear and anger.

Palm Tree 
To see a palm tree in your dream represents tranquility, high aspirations, fame, victory, hopes, and longevity. It also symbolizes paradise and leisure. Perhaps you need to take time for a vacation and relaxation.

Climb 

To dream that you are climbing up something (ladder, rope, etc.) signifies that you are trying to or you have overcome a great struggle. It also suggests that your goals are finally within reach. Climbing also means that you have risen to a level of prominence within the social or economic sphere.

To dream that you are climbing down something indicates that you need to acknowledge and take notice of your subconscious. You are expressing some hesitance and reservation with delving into your more negative feelings. Alternatively, it suggests that you may be feeling low or emotionally drained.

Girls 

To see a girl in your dream represents your playful, innocent, and childlike nature. Perhaps you are behaving immaturely in some situation. Alternatively, a girl represents the feminine qualities of your character.

Ropes 

To see a rope in your dream represents your connection and attachment to others. It is symbolic of what is holding your relationship together. Alternatively, a rope signifies bondage, restriction and captivity.

Chase 

To dream that you are being chased signifies that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable. It is a metaphor for some form of insecurity. In particular, to dream that you are chased by an animal represents your own unexpressed and unacknowledged anger which is being projected onto that animal. Alternatively, you may be running away from a primal urge or fear.

To dream that you are chasing someone signifies that you are attempting to overcome a difficult goal or task. You may also be expressing some aggressive feelings toward others.

Trees 

To see lush green trees in your dream symbolize new hopes, growth, desires, knowledge, and life. It also implies strength, protection and stability. You are concentrating on your own self-development and individuation.

To dream that you are climbing a tree signifies achievement of your career goals and attainment of higher positions in life. The speed at which you climb the tree will parallel the speed of your achievement of these goals.

Scissors

To dream that you are using scissors denotes decisiveness and control in your waking life. You need to get rid of something in your life. It also represents your ability to cut things or people out of your life. Perhaps you are being snippy about some situation.

To see a pair of scissors in your dream indicates that your focus is being divided into too many directions.

Curtain 

To see or dream that you are shutting the curtains signify secrecy and a repression of thoughts. You are concealing some personal matter or some aspect of yourself. On the other hand, to dream that you are opening the curtains indicates that you are ready to reveal something hidden about yourself.

Window 

To see a window in your dream signifies bright hopes, vast possibilities and insight.To dream that you are entering or exiting through a window suggests that you are involved in some secretive or underhanded activity. Alternatively, the dream means that you are creating your own opportunities. You make things happen instead of waiting for them to happen.

If you fall or are push through a window in your dream, then it means that you are unwillingly going along with a plan. Perhaps you feel pressured into doing something that you really do not want to do. Your own vision is in conflict with someone else's.

To see shut windows in your dream signify desertion and abandonment.

Living Room 

To dream that you are in the living room represents the image that you portray to others and the way which you go about your life. It is representative of your basic beliefs about yourself and who you are. Alternatively, the living room is indicative of your freedom and space. The living room is a symbolic boundary between your personal self and your public self. Objects that do not belong in the living room denote the various aspects of your life that are invading your personal space.

Reunion 

To dream that you are attending a reunion suggests that there are feelings from the past which you need to acknowledge and recognize. Or perhaps the dream is highlighting how you have already incorporated the certain aspects or qualities of the people in your dream reunion. 

Gymnasium 

To dream that you are in a gymnasium indicates that you need to apply what you learned and incorporate it into your daily life. Alternatively, the gym may be telling you that you need to get more exercise.

Of course, to me personally, this makes a whole lot of sense. The everybody else, they just got a glimpse of a part of me.. or the biggest part of me. I don't know but I'm tired.

Let's Get Personal

I just finished watching The Rebound (Catherine Zeta-Jones, Justin Bartha) and I actually like it. [SPOILER ALERT] The premise of the story is that 40 year old Sandy (Zeta-Jones), was living a perfectly normal suburban life when she caught her husband cheating so they got divorced and she and her two kids moved to the city. She met Aram (Bartha), a 25 year old barista working below her apartment. She hires him as a babysitter, he asks him out, they dated blah blah blah. Eventually things didn’t work out because of a pregnancy scare and they went to live their own lives. She went to become a sports news anchor and he traveled the world. After five years, they bumped into each other in a restaurant, and lo and behold, he’s thirty now, more mature, and they got back together. The End.

I know, I usually just post something touristy or travel-related, but I think I want to share this one.

2 Things:

• Sandy left the life she knew and went to start over and create a life for herself and her family in the city. I wish that I had the courage and the strength to do that. Granted I’m only 27 and single, no kids. But that’s just that. I’m 27 and yet I’m so scared of change and starting over. 19 years in the Philippines, 6 in Chicago, and now I’m starting over (yet again) in another place. I feel everybody is moving forward and I can’t seem to get my bearings. Just when I thought I was finally going to make it, I have to pack all my bags and move. I left a lot of baggage in Illinois. No, I didn’t fix it, I ran away from it. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel complete. Sandy had the strength to start over, even with her love life. It’s been 2 and a half years, and I’m still single. No attempt to put my self out there on my part either. After getting out of a 3 year serious relationship (also my first), I’m just too scared to start over, to trust again, to let my wall down and let people in. I actually missed having a best friend. I started having a best friend again but I’m so “messed up in the head” I actually managed to push him out of my life. But that’s a different blog, different day. So anyway, is there still a stigma to dating younger men? I mean, not that I’m looking at younger men right now. Haha. I mean, if I keep up at this pace, I’m going to end up 30+ and still single. To my friends’ amusement, they all say I’m a cougar, even though I’ve barely moved from where I was standing 2 years ago. Alone. But honestly, I’m so scared of being single and being alone, and unloved, when I get older. I have blogs, and hobbies, and all that stuff to keep me company, but to what extent though? I need to be brave, to be more adventurous, I just wish I have that inner drive that I lost somewhere along the way.
• Aram, after the break up, decided to travel the world, per Sandy’s suggestion that he’s still so young and needed to get out there. He got hired to work a corporate desk job, couldn’t live with it, and jumped on the first flight out of the country. There he went places, met people, wrote on journals, worked, volunteered, you name it. I guess you can say that he found himself, because when he came back home, we was indeed a changed man. Are there other ways to find yourself, other than travelling? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I agree. I want, with my whole heart and soul, nothing more than to get out of my room and see the world. I want to visit touristy spots, learn languages, eat local cuisine, experience culture, meet people, hike and swim and climb and run, and of course take lots of pictures. Do people really find themselves when they travel? I long for it so bad. Whenever I see movies that are travel-themed (like Eat, Pray, Love), and have travel scenes (like The Rebound), my heart swells with pride. I mean, I also get that feeling when I’m driving, even just locally. There’s just something about the world and the freedom of driving that makes me feel alive. I couldn’t cut it as a girlfriend, I couldn’t cut it as a bestfriend either. I’ve changed so many jobs in my life time. What is it about me? Can I not stay put in one place and live one life? Or will I just coast along this life? I always feel like I’m running out of time. I feel like I’m chasing something but I don’t know what it else. Most times, I feel trapped in my life. That I want to explode out of my skin. I don’t know.

I guess that’s my poorly written, poorly edited blog entry for now. Pardon my dust.

Tourist of Traveller?

I haven't decided which one I'm going to be, but all I know is that I'm preparing to set up and see the world. My dreams of doing a roadtrip, backpack somewhere, etc, just go out there is getting bigger and bigger. I mean, I imagine, think about, plan about my dream and my heart just swells with happiness. I've started a Trip Jar and hopefully, I save a lot of money because I want to make this come true. I've set out a timetable for myself. Some people have careers, high paying jobs, important positions. This may sound like I'm a person with no ambition, but I've decided that I'm going to get a job to get a job, and nothing else. I will work hard and save and save - and save some more - so that I can travel. I've started following blogs, reading book, and I slowly want this to work for myself. If having a boyfriend or keeping a relationship or meeting someone, or being hired, or whatever is out of my control, this one is all up to me. I will do this. I'm going to try to defy gravity this time.

Oh Hello Good Dream

So I'm kind of in a good mood this morning, because I just had a really wonderful dream. And I will not stop reiterating it. I actually feel giddy, haha. I'd share what my dream was, but I know it'll sound just ridiculous to everybody else. Let's just say it was -of course- about tF.

Anyway, long story short, I had an awesome dream and that's it. Good Frickin' Morning. \^o^/

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In other news, the last week at work have been REALLY stressful. The only way to describe it is that I'm in job position limbo. I'm already doing the work of my "new job" but I just can't quite leave my old position behind. Since none of the new girls can work in the morning, I have to do my new job in my old desk so I can do BOTH jobs. The work load of the new job is not what stresses me out, I like it actually.

It's just that, I honestly believe that I think I have undiagnosed ADD.. well maybe. When I do my new job, I have to focus really hard and tune everybody out so I don't mess up. There's a lot of numbers and paperworks and all that stuff I have to take care of. BUT, when I'm still working the old job, I have to stop every five minutes (sometimes not even) so I can answer the phone, transfer the call, page someone, take care of a customer, blah blah blah. And when that happens, I have to refocus to continue what I was previously doing. AAAAND I really have a hard time refocusing. I'm always like, "Where was I?", "What was I doing again?", "Wait, I lost my place."

I gotta say, I've gotten really good with crying on the inside. You know, like, you cry coz you're frustrated but you literally show no tears. But apparently, I shouldn't complain because this is what I've wanted. Yes. But No. I don't want to hate my job, and the people I work with because I ACTUALLY love my job and the people I work with. And that's saying something, because most of the time, you get either or. Not both. And I've had a bajillion jobs so I know for a fact that I really do want to stay in this company.

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In other OTHER news, I went to a wedding over the weekend. It was soooo pretty!! It was a small wedding, just family and friends. But really, who am I to say it's a small wedding. As far as weddings go, I've only been to two, and the first one I was a bridesmaid in a wedding party of 21 (pshyea no joke, and no that doesn't include the godparents and such), and there were 250 guests.

Anyway, after seeing my friend's wedding, I've decided it's not the amount of people or the lavishness of the ceremony/reception that makes a beautiful wedding. It's the spirit of it. The essence, the execution, the people. Anyway, my friend's wedding, like I said was beautiful. The groom and his men were wearing white tuxes, the Tiffany blue really popped out against the white and silver, the music they played during cocktail hour was classy and elegant, and the couple's first dance was just frickin' lovely and adorable. Oh and the Dj was hella funny too, BUT he has to go back to DJ-ing school because the way he mixed songs was ATROCIOUS. Of course, I held my composure as they were doing the Father-Daughter dance, touchy subject for me that's why.

Oh, did I mention the open bar? Haha.

photocredit: KaterinaBeth

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Tuesday came and went. But Prime Factor and I didn't hang out. So we just took a raincheck to do lunch and hang out since there was no time coz he had a deal coming in after he gets out of work so he had to stay around. Instead, he texted me and told me he'll come visit me for a couple of hours at work. Unfortunately for me, I can only do 30 minutes of those two hours coz I'm not really allowed to leave my desk for ANY social hour.

Then I went out to dinner with MommyDee and PFN (acronym meaning withheld as it's just between Prime Factor and me (I?) ). After a free dinner, courtesy of the wonderful MommyDee, we checked out t he new Walmart and got dropped off home.

Prime Factor and I had another Application Trial Session. Last time, we did Skype, Tango, and Qik Chat, We compared notes and which was the best. We couldn't work the camera on Skype, we couldn't work Qik Chat AT ALL, and Tango had good voice quality but the camera would freeze here and there. Last night we tried TikL, which is like the smartphone app version of Nextel's PTT (push to talk, yo), or your average walkie talkie. It was a fun way to communicate, as long as you remember to hold the phone at least 3 inches away from your pie-hole. And it's not for an actual serious heart to heart conversation. It's pretty much like twitter, but with voice.

****

And I guess that's that for now. Sorry for the long blog entry, but did I mention I had a really awesome dream? Haha. That's probably why I got so motivated to recap the last week of my life. 

That's it for now, I gotta get ready for work. :)

Hi, Matt.

So.. I had a dream about you last night. It was so weird because it was random. In my dream your ghost was following me around. There were two other ghosts there with you but I'm just not gonna say who they are okay? Anyway, you three were following me around. I was feeling guilty all day because I kept saying death comes in threes, and when you passed away, another common friend passed away, then another. So I was being too hard on myself, that I shouldn't have opened my mouth. I was depressed. And the whole time you were just following me, with the two others right behind you. You were giving me crap for being depressed. That I shouldn't worry about it. My dream was really long, but as always, I barely remember it. That is why I'm trying to blog as much nonsense as I can get out of it. In my head, if I close my eyes, I can see what you look like. But not enough to write it on here. I remember that when no one is looking at me in my dream, I'd come and give you tight hugs. Even more weird, I was ABLE to give you hugs like you were just there with me. I know you're trying to tell me something. But what is it?

....and then of course I woke up.

I went to your FB page after I woke up and your mom posted a video of you, Jaimie and Noah, jamming together. I only saw your face the beginning of the video and I started crying.

You're probably wondering why I'm writing my sentiments on here and not on FB. You probably already know, that's why you visited me in my sleep last night. I'd miss you all the time, Matt. I'd miss when we used to hang out all the time at my mom's house, or your mom's apartment's pool. Remember my mom's birthday when we just took over? Or when we all went to the Art Museum on a random day?  Or you, me and Krackel grabbing a handful of those Soy Amada pins at the Jewelry store? You and Danny sitting in on my Spanish class instead of waiting for me outside so we can all eat at Wendy's afterwards? And then you'd be giving me all the answers so that I can show off in that class. Haha, Senor Martinez probably thought I was super awesome in Spanish class 'coz of you. Tengo una pregunta para ti. Haha. Or we skipped class to go swimming at your pool and we brought margherita pizza from Target for everyone. Playing Pool Nazi with Danny, Jason, Steve and me and Krackel just sat on the side coz you guys played for HOURS and it got old for us within the first 30 minutes. Haha. I miss you sooooo much Matt. Not only because you are gone. But I missed being your friend even before what happened. I missed hanging out with you. I missed you being my life coach. When Danny called me to tell me what happened, one of his first words were "I know you think that Matt's a really cool person and that I know you missed having him around, but I wanted to tell you that.."

So yeah, why am I putting my dream here on my blog? Because my blog is the "I Don't Give A Fuck" part of me. When I go on your FB page, all these people that tell you they miss you, and share stories and music about you, that say you visited them last night, I feel that they deserved to be part of your life and they deserved to put all these amazing stories and thoughts about you on your wall. I feel pretty insignificant, because I know that it was majority my fault why we drifted apart. You and Danny had a silly falling out and I was stupid enough to take sides. And now my guilt is eating me up inside. I feel that I don't deserve to tell the world what an amazing person you were when we were hanging out because I chose to drift away from you. Now I don't have a boyfriend and I don't have a friend. I'm soooo sorry, Matt. I'm really really really sorry.

Whoa There, Bad Dream

So I woke up around 7am this morning because of a really bad dream. (For a detailed account, check my other blog here.) So what do I do after I've blogged it all out? I try and interpret it.

    According to Dream Moods,

    To dream that you are at somebody else's funeral, signifies that you are burying an old relationship and closing the lid on the past. You may be letting go some of the feelings (resentment, anger, hostility toward someone) that you have been clinging onto. If your are dreaming that you are at a funeral of an unknown person, then it suggests that something in your life needs to put to rest or put aside so that you can make room for something new. You need to investigate further what aspect or component of your life you need to let go.

    To dream that you are crying, signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In your daily lives, you tend to ignore, deny, or repress your feelings. But in your dream state, your defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of those feelings that you have repressed during the day. 

    To dream that you are in tears, signify that you are undergoing a period of healing in your life. The tears symbolize compassion, emotional healing and spiritual cleansing. Alternatively, tears indicate pain

    To see a body in a coffin in your dream, signifies that you are going through a period of depression. You may feel confined, restricted and that you are lacking personal freedom. There may be a dead or decaying situation or issue in your life that you need to address. It is time to end this situation or relationship.

    To dream that you are inside a church, suggests that you are seeking for spiritual enlightenment and guidance. You are looking to be uplifted in some way. Perhaps you have made some past mistakes which have set you back on your path toward your goals. With proper support, you will get on the right track again. Alternatively, the dream may also mean that you are questioning and debating your life path and where it is leading. You are reevaluating what you want to do.

    To see others fighting in your dream, suggests that you are unwilling to acknowledge your own problems and turmoil. You are not taking any responsibility or initiative in trying to resolve issues in your waking life.

    To see a shattered and broken window in your dream, represents your distorted view and outlook on life. It is also indicates a state of vulnerability.

    To see or sit on a pew in your dream, suggests that you need to stop and reflect on your past mistakes or issues before you can move forward. You need to question the decisions and choices that you are making. Perhaps it is time to acknowledge your former wrongdoings

    To see friends in your dream, signify aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Alternatively, dreaming of a friend, indicates positive news

    So there it is. I just listed down some of the things I remembered from my dream and tried to interpret it. Basically, it's telling me that I'm ready to move on from my past, I'm ready to close that chapter behind me, that I shouldn't hold back my feelings or pretend it's not there. Pretty much.