Show It, Don't Say It.

Disclaimer: Another rant blog.

I'm tired of people. They always say one thing and do another. I have friends who always hit me up to hang out, call or text me if they have stories to tell, rants to get off their chest, all that stuff.

• If they're single, once they're in a relationship, not only do I take the backseat, I feel like my friendship if out the window.
• If they're in a relationship, they wanna hang out with me, but they can't NOT hang out with the other person at the same time.

I FUCKING HATE BEING THE THIRD WHEEL.

Another thing. I had this one friend and we became really good friends real fast. Or so I FUCKING thought. He was miserable at his old job, and whenever he was at work, we'd text all day, we'd talk or videochat almost everyday. I HONESTLY thought, "hey, maybe I'm gonna have a bestfriend." Well, no fucking way. I don't know what happened but, suddenly, as soon as he's out of this miserable job and moved to another one, he doesn't talk to me anymore. I know he's talking more to another friend who got him the job. I'm not jealous, but I feel like a fucking replacement.

I told him how I felt about my fear of breaking down my wall and letting people in and building relationships (friendships and otherwise), and he made me feel that he was gonna stick around. He made me feel that I matter. (Oh god no, I'm not in love with him). When I'm with my friends, I take the backseat. But when I hang out with him, he's all "let's do what you want to do!" and made me feel that I matter, that my opinions count. And then he just disappeared.

I'M DEEPLY FUCKING HURT.

A part of me is thinking, hmm, maybe he's mad at me. Maybe he's all sulky that I'm moving to California, when he made a valid argument on why I should stay. A little teeny tiny part of me thought that maybe he wanted me to stay because he wants to keep our friendship around, close by, not from the other side of the country. It's nice to feel wanted, you know? But maybe I Just imagined it.

I'M NOT A REPLACEMENT FRIEND, OKAY?

On that note....

Until recently, I was questioning my decision to give in and move to California. I would miss all these friends that I have here. Friends that I don't have the courage to call when I feel rotten inside because I feel like I'm invading in their privacy and personal life. At least, when I'm in Cali, even when I feel sad and alone, there's a reason: 'coz I don't have any friends there at all.

And then I have these friends who are all flabbergasted after finding out that I'm moving. They're all "OMG I'm gonna miss you so much!!" But A.)before finding out, they're life was moving perfectly along without including me, and B.)they're making all these fake plans to hang out One Last Time before I leave. Oh and C.)They say they're gonna miss me but does not show signs of seeing one one last time. I'm hurt because.. well, just because, but then I feel numb.

I'VE REACHED THE POINT OF NUMBNESS. I'M NOW DEAD INSIDE.

What sucks too is that I also have friends who made plans to hang out with me before I leave, and then suddenly I'm making arrangements around their significant others' schedule. Not to be selfish or anything, but I thought it was for you and me. and you & them and me. I mean, granted, I have one friend do just that and I actually feel flattered because he's never introduced a significant other to me before, but the others? Ugh. No. I wanna hang out with you, my friend. Not you while you hold your partner's hand and sneak kisses while I'm not looking.

I'm sorry, and I hate to say this because lord knows how much I love you guys, but if I can't get my friends to at least pretend that i'm a significant part of their lives (as they are to mine), then even if it kills me, I'd rather just stay at home and knit while I await the days of my departure.

Loneliness is more painful than dying.

Come Find Me

I don't know what is happening to me. I've been feeling really hopeless lately. I feel empty and alone and lonely and unhappy. I can't find any more words to express how I feel. The last time this happened to me, I cried practically every night for two weeks just right before Thanksgiving. What happened to me?? It sounds so cliche, and I'm pretty sure people won't take me seriously, but sometimes I'd imagine how I'd die. Sometimes I'd imagine how it'd feel if I just drove straight to oncoming traffic. Or falling down a flight of stairs. Or falling over a balcony. Maybe cancer. I'd imagine having a slow death, or maybe instantaneous. I'd imagine how my friends would react. Would it be better for them for me to die slowly or quick? It's just that I know that when I die, all these people will "be sad" or "mourn" and go to my wake and pay respects, say all this wonderful lovely things about me. How I'm an awesome person, funny, such a good friend, all that bullshit. But what about now? When I'm dying on the inside from loneliness, sadness, when I'm going crazy trying to hold back from crying my eyes out, and yet also going crazy when I bawl. Where will all these people be? When I'm at this point when I feel empty and depressed and alone, I want somebody to be next to me, someone who'll just rub my back, give me hugs, hand me the kleenex, while I let myself go and cry. But who will be strong enough and brave enough to be there for me? Who will be willing to come find me and tell me that even though not everything is going to be okay, that's it's okay, because I have a friend who won't let anything bad happen to me. You know, I have all these people right? But when I look back, when I hypothetically look behind me, I'm alone. I'm soooo tired of feeling like this. I'm so tired of crying and feeling empty and feeling all these emotions. And then put on a fake smile when I walk out of my room. I wanna run away. I wanna run away from here, from this room, be anywhere else but here. I wanna run away from myself. I wanna be anybody but me. Because what I am right now is pathetic. No one understands what I'm going through, what I'm feeling, or me. Why do people not know? Because I've heard it all before. Everything's going to be okay. God has plans for you. It will work itself out. You'll be okay. You'll be fine. Don't worry about it. Other people have it worse. The funny thing is, and this too shall sound so cliche, but I do have suicidal thoughts. But I'm too much of a coward to go through with it. Not for anything other than it's painful. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that if I were to get into an accident, I won't even fight to survive it. I know I'm messed up in the head. But I'm just so fucking tired.

Mood Swing

Okay, something's wrong with me. Not that I doubted that before. Anyway, I was watching this Disney movie online and then my mom called and I didn't answer because I knew why she was calling and I just ignored it and then I just started crying. And now, I fell on one of my mood swings again. I haven't talked to my mom in at least a couple of weeks, and I miss her. And I miss my sisters. And my mom's stories about my sisters. But I' just can't bring myself to talk to her. I don't want to tell her that I stopped trying already. There's this thing that's gonna happen in a couple of weeks or so that is totally going to make or break me. And my mom has been trying her best working hard to help me, and me? I just stopped trying altogether. Who wants to see their daughter give up? Not my mom. I'm her oldest, and I know she'll do everything in her power to take care of me. I'm 27 fucking years old and i still have my mom to protect and take care of me. I can't tell my mom i stopped trying, and that i gave up already. i just can't. i miss her so much.

It's Like....

It's like this loneliness is eating me up inside.
It's like I feel a big hole in me that I've given up the desire to fill.
It's like I have lost all hope and I can't see past tomorrow.
It's like I want to cry out all these pain and sadness but I've run out of tears.
It's like it hurts so much I've ran out of ways to express it.
It's like I thought I've hit rock bottom but I just can't stop falling.
It's like I need help but I look around and the world's an empty place.
It's like I'm done trying and I'm done living.
It's like I just want to be gone.

I want to go somewhere where no one knows who I am. That way, I can stop pretending that I'm happy to the people that knows my problems.

I want to run away.