Chicago

I miss Chicago.

First off, I'm saying Chicago instead of Illinois because Apparently, to the rest of the world (or the US at least), nothing exists outside of Chicago (or Springfield). So everytime, I say I'm from Illinois, people ask "Where, Chicago?" and I got tired of explaining so I just say yes.

Anyway, I miss Chicago.

I miss good cheap coffee from Dunkin Donuts.
I miss the convenience of Popeye's from down the street.
I miss having people to go out dancing with.
I miss the big beautiful city that is, aherm, Chicago.
I miss Portillo's.
I miss my job, and my super-awesome co-workers.
I miss my shoes. And my dresses. And my books. And my sewing machine. And my printer.
I miss my roommates. Our loud conversations, our stupid jokes, our meals together.
I miss my friends. Our ability to be stupid together, and be awesome together. Our inside jokes, our experiences, our stories, our intertwined lives.
I miss my adopted family. Everyone that has treated me as part of their family.
I miss Chicago.

I'm happy to be with my sisters and my mom and the rest of my family and relatives. Is sunshine good for the soul? Because in the past month (ish) that I've been here, I haven't felt sad or miserable. Well, there was that one time that my sister said something mean and it made me cry, I just didn't tell her. But other than that, I have sisters who manage to make me smile. The way they knock on my door and ask for help, or they just barge in and rummage through my closet. Or when they run straight to my room when they come home from school and they tell me what happened during the day. I love it.

I love being part of a team here. But I also love how I tried (and struggled) to live on my own there. I miss my friends so much. But I'm also happy here, right now. I wish I can have both worlds with me. But for now, I'm just mowing forward in this journey.

Almost A Month....

It's been almost a month since I last blogged here. WAAAAY too many things have happened. This is what happened when I procrastinate blogging. All my thoughts, adventures, rants, musings, etc get all jumbled up in my head that instead of sorting it out, I just ignore it.

• I've hung out with old ECC friends and I missed them badly.
• I've celebrated my birthday a week early with one of my really close friends and I got to meet his boyfriend and I was so flattered coz he's never introduced anybody before.
• One of my good friends came home for her spring break and she helped me pack my stuff and it was such a big help, I appreciated it so much.
• I hung out one on one with a lot of people, and it's making me miss them all so much right now.
• I had one of my close friends get mad at me, to the point where I thought we were on our way to bestfriendship but I did a really shitty thing so now I'm not sure I can have what we had back.
• My adopted family threw a party for me before I left. My heart swelled with so much love for them, I had tears. Seriously.
• My last day at work was bittersweet. I, without a doubt, loved working there. 100% no bullshit. It was a relief to leave just because I feel like I deserved a vacation from my normal life. But I loved everyone there and I actually miss them.
• I miss tF. I didn't say goodbye to him and I'm so dumb. I wish I treated him more like a friend than my boss. It would've been nice to have been friends with him. -gah- I miss him.
• I spent the day in Chicago with a couple of friends and it was the most fun ever. I took tons of photos, explored parts of the city I've never seen (or only saw from afar or for a couple of minutes). I love the city and I can't wait to see it again.
• My friends and I finally got to go on our much awaited mini roadtrip to Springfield. I am such a museum nerd, it's not even funny. That was my third time going to the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Museum but it's always fun. And I got to see the Lincoln home this time too.
• My roommate/close friend KC and I had a crying session the day I left. It was the first time we've ever done that. Thinking about it makes me cry all the time. She was the only one who showed me emotions like that. Darn, I'm crying again.
• ....and then of course I left Chicago. 
• ....and I'm in LA!!!!
• The plane ride was bumpy and space was cramped. But that's Spirit Airlines for you.
• Then I got to see my mom and my four younger sisters and it made my heart happy ever since. I mean granted, they do annoy me here and there but that's me being the oldest sister of a 24, 13, 8, and 4 y/o.
• For my birthday weekend, my mom, stepdad, and 2 youngest sisters drove 8+ hours to the northern part of Cali so I can see my 24 y/o sister who's in the USAF and my relatives living in the Bay area.
• Today marks the two weeks I've been here in CA. I've taken tons of pictures, of course. Nothing big happens though since I have no car and job yet. We'd visit places here and there, we did go to Newport Beach over the weekend and that made me so happy I was practically exploding out of my skin, So I've been spending most of my time tagging my photos and blogging. I feel like I am on vacation though. Now, if I can just haul ass and start working out.

Deserving

I can say I have a lot of friends. Some good, some better, but nobody has come close enough to be called the best. But it's nobody's fault. After losing a bestfriend, I've been scared to let people in. In my mind, people will do things that will disappoint you over and over, and if you regard that title to those people, you're setting yourself up to be heartbroken. I've lost a bestfriend and I don't think I can go through that heartache again. I love all my friends, I really do. I have a handful of the best closest friends ever, but somehow I still find myself alone at night. Like, there's nobody there for me. I'm sure that all my friends love me just the same, but I'm just so broken and burdened with baggage that I'm just too, too scared.

But what if you meet someone that wants to be friends with you in the sincerest form? What if you meet someone who wants to put the effort and the trouble and go out of their way to get to know you, hang out with you, treat you right, and make you feel that they'll be there for you and actually mean it?

I have this one friend, and we've started being friends just a couple of years ago. I've known him for a little over five years now but we've only become closer friends just recently, I'd say over the past six-ish months(?). Anyway, he is such a nice person. He's a gentleman, he'd kind, but he's honest, he's real. He makes me feel that my life matters too (if that even makes sense). I mean, I can't help it that I'm a pushover sometimes, but he makes me feel that I can be heard. I can't really explain it, but he makes me feel like I matter and that's all that I can say.

I mentioned to him that I've been contemplating about moving to California. He asked why. I told him that I feel like I need a change of pace, because I'm tired of trying. He asks, "Trying of what?". I said, "Trying to make it." He stops and looks at me, and tells me, "We just started hanging out and now you wanna leave? That's it, I'm going home." And we just both cracked up. But in my mind, I was really touched you know? A few weeks back, I had mentioned to a couple of friends that I might be going away for a while, and they said, "But who's gonna cover your share of the rent?" Apparently, they're joking. But jokes are always half meant.

So of course now I'm creating a totally unnecessary moral dilemma for myself. I really, really want this friendship to work out. But I'm too scared to let people in, did I mention that? I feel like, he's been sent to fix me, and that when I'm not broken anymore, he's gonna up and leave, just like all the other people that mattered in my life. He's such a good person that I feel like I don't deserve him, that being friends with him will come with a price, and I won't know when I need to pay up.

We were talking and we talked about how I feel obligated to some friends and why I feel that way. He said, "That's why I let you pick what we do, is because I know how people treat you and that's not right.." Then he looked at me and said, "I hope you don't ever feel obligated to be friends with me."

I should stop now. I'm just gonna end up jinxing stuff up some more. With my bad luck streak, I'll probably mess this up too. I just wish that he'd be strong enough to stick around and be friends with the fucking emotional mess that I am.

Thanks, Prime Factor.

Oh Hello Good Dream

So I'm kind of in a good mood this morning, because I just had a really wonderful dream. And I will not stop reiterating it. I actually feel giddy, haha. I'd share what my dream was, but I know it'll sound just ridiculous to everybody else. Let's just say it was -of course- about tF.

Anyway, long story short, I had an awesome dream and that's it. Good Frickin' Morning. \^o^/

****

In other news, the last week at work have been REALLY stressful. The only way to describe it is that I'm in job position limbo. I'm already doing the work of my "new job" but I just can't quite leave my old position behind. Since none of the new girls can work in the morning, I have to do my new job in my old desk so I can do BOTH jobs. The work load of the new job is not what stresses me out, I like it actually.

It's just that, I honestly believe that I think I have undiagnosed ADD.. well maybe. When I do my new job, I have to focus really hard and tune everybody out so I don't mess up. There's a lot of numbers and paperworks and all that stuff I have to take care of. BUT, when I'm still working the old job, I have to stop every five minutes (sometimes not even) so I can answer the phone, transfer the call, page someone, take care of a customer, blah blah blah. And when that happens, I have to refocus to continue what I was previously doing. AAAAND I really have a hard time refocusing. I'm always like, "Where was I?", "What was I doing again?", "Wait, I lost my place."

I gotta say, I've gotten really good with crying on the inside. You know, like, you cry coz you're frustrated but you literally show no tears. But apparently, I shouldn't complain because this is what I've wanted. Yes. But No. I don't want to hate my job, and the people I work with because I ACTUALLY love my job and the people I work with. And that's saying something, because most of the time, you get either or. Not both. And I've had a bajillion jobs so I know for a fact that I really do want to stay in this company.

 ****

In other OTHER news, I went to a wedding over the weekend. It was soooo pretty!! It was a small wedding, just family and friends. But really, who am I to say it's a small wedding. As far as weddings go, I've only been to two, and the first one I was a bridesmaid in a wedding party of 21 (pshyea no joke, and no that doesn't include the godparents and such), and there were 250 guests.

Anyway, after seeing my friend's wedding, I've decided it's not the amount of people or the lavishness of the ceremony/reception that makes a beautiful wedding. It's the spirit of it. The essence, the execution, the people. Anyway, my friend's wedding, like I said was beautiful. The groom and his men were wearing white tuxes, the Tiffany blue really popped out against the white and silver, the music they played during cocktail hour was classy and elegant, and the couple's first dance was just frickin' lovely and adorable. Oh and the Dj was hella funny too, BUT he has to go back to DJ-ing school because the way he mixed songs was ATROCIOUS. Of course, I held my composure as they were doing the Father-Daughter dance, touchy subject for me that's why.

Oh, did I mention the open bar? Haha.

photocredit: KaterinaBeth

****

Tuesday came and went. But Prime Factor and I didn't hang out. So we just took a raincheck to do lunch and hang out since there was no time coz he had a deal coming in after he gets out of work so he had to stay around. Instead, he texted me and told me he'll come visit me for a couple of hours at work. Unfortunately for me, I can only do 30 minutes of those two hours coz I'm not really allowed to leave my desk for ANY social hour.

Then I went out to dinner with MommyDee and PFN (acronym meaning withheld as it's just between Prime Factor and me (I?) ). After a free dinner, courtesy of the wonderful MommyDee, we checked out t he new Walmart and got dropped off home.

Prime Factor and I had another Application Trial Session. Last time, we did Skype, Tango, and Qik Chat, We compared notes and which was the best. We couldn't work the camera on Skype, we couldn't work Qik Chat AT ALL, and Tango had good voice quality but the camera would freeze here and there. Last night we tried TikL, which is like the smartphone app version of Nextel's PTT (push to talk, yo), or your average walkie talkie. It was a fun way to communicate, as long as you remember to hold the phone at least 3 inches away from your pie-hole. And it's not for an actual serious heart to heart conversation. It's pretty much like twitter, but with voice.

****

And I guess that's that for now. Sorry for the long blog entry, but did I mention I had a really awesome dream? Haha. That's probably why I got so motivated to recap the last week of my life. 

That's it for now, I gotta get ready for work. :)

Good Morning with a Cup of Tea.

I am not as crabby today as I was the last few days. To that I thank my very productive and fulfilling day yesterday.

Yesterday was my day off and I had a lot of things that needed to be taken care of. I borrowed my friend's friend's SUV (nope, I didn't stutter), because my own mode of transportation isn't so great with long drives. I  made a list of what I had to do, in itinerary form so I don't miss anything.

To sum it up, this is what I did in sixteen hours:

Packed at storage 1. Got breakfast. Read at the park while waiting to go to work. Went to work. Signed up for storage 2. Unpacked at storage 2. Pack at apartment. Unpack at storage 2. Drop off hard drive at friend's work. Pack and close storage 1. Unpack at storage two. Drop off defective phone at mailbox. Go to grocery. Got a good shopping deal at the mall. Had cellphone fixed. Loaded the dishwasher at apartment. Went to Latin Heat workout class at gym with friends. Had dinner with friends.

Hence, the productiveness. Mind you, it's really hard to load and unload boxes upon boxes of stuff when I'm doing it all by myself. But I felt pretty great about it.

Moving on.
Little stories about yesterday.

The weather was crazy yesterday! At one point, I drove through literally ten feet of rain clouds, because it was just darn sunny on the other end of it. Then there'd be heavy gusts of wind that the automatic doors at the storage would detect it and it'd open and it'd creep me out.

My friend Robbdizzle texted me that a really strong gust of wind came and a lightpole fell on a Chrysler van at his work. Crazy! I told him to take a picture and he said his manager was giving him dirty looks, but he did anyway and sent me the pic. Haha.

There was a line at the cellphone kiosk, so instead of waiting I stopped by Charlotte Russe and saw that they had a poster of that "Text blah to ##### for a chance to win blah blah blah". I texted, because I get messages from them about discounts and special deals. This time it said, "You entered the raffle to win blah blah blah. Here's a $5 shopping pass, show to cashier. Blah blah." Score! I walked in and saw they had a lot of things on sale. I got a see-through lace sleeveless top, a leopard print cowlneck tunic top, and gray suede booties all for $13. SUPER FRICKIN SCORE!

24.99
4.99
3.52

16.99
4.99
3.52

29.99
6.99
4.93

Plus my $5 shopping pass?? I couldn't have been a happier girl. :)

I went to the cellphone store for the second time in two weeks because the replacement phone they gave me had something else wrong with it. The guy remembered me and said he'll just order me another one anyway. Unfortunately, he thinks that they may have discontinued the white myTouch and that they might end up giving me a different phone, which is the upgrade of the myTouch bar that I have, which is the one with the slide-out keyboard of course. I'm like, hell frickin yeah!! I really wanted a keyboard phone but I also couldn't wait to get an upgrade so I settled with the bar. Two months later, they come up with the keyboard myTouch. Now I MAY end up getting the keyboard one, which is basically like an upgrade but without the upgrade fees!! *pumpsfists*

And then of course, Dee wanted me to go with her to the Latin Heat class at the gym, but I'm obviously not a member. But I got in anyway. I was in ninja mode. Haha. So I got a free work out and it was awesome! There was a lot of booty-shaking in that class, mostly by me and the other Filipino girl (aside from the instructor of course).

All in all, it was a very good day. Now let's get this sickness over with and I should be set for tomorrow. Between Dee's niece's sweet 16, signing insurances with the apparently cute State Farm guy, and Girls Night Out, I need all the good vibes that I can get.

Peace out! :))

Bring It On, Life.

The last couple of weeks have been really packed with life and lessons for me. I don't even know where to start. Let me try..

• My car had died in the middle of the road late one night and I was trying to figure out what to do when two dudes pulled over to the side and offered to help me. My first thought was, "Holy crap, this is a Law and Order SVU waiting to happen!! Run!!". But after a couple of minutes, something just came over me and my mind pretty much just went "I will leave it all up to God. Whatever happens, happens." Afther they've helped me push my car to an empty parking lot, they left while i waited for my roommates to rescue me. I felt guilty I judged those two guys. With their towering heights, bulky built, baggy clothes and raggedy car, I couldn't help but get scared. I mean, I've seen ALL SVU episodes to know that the world is a cruel, cruel world.
• In a span of less than 24 hours, I have managed to slice my finger (with a knife) and my heel (with a broken glass). Mind you, both cuts were I'd say 3cms long and 3/4 of a cm deep. Just saying.
• I got a job interview and they actually offered me the job so yay for me!
• A friend passed away and I attended his service a week after. I was shocked to the point that I refused to accept how it happened, why it happened. But things happened throughout the week that made it easier for me. I think Matt helped.
• During the funeral service, I've seen people I haven't seen in such a long time. Some I've become estranged to, some I've missed more than others. Altogether, I've convinced myself that I should, in one way or another, try annd fix (and maintain) these relationships because you never know when it's gonna be too late. It may be a cliche, but it's true.
• We are hiring two positions at work and I'm going to be training them!! I feel that seniority coming in, and I'm kinda excited. Of course, all advancements have responsibilities attached to them. I'm kinda nervous because I'm just not good with failure. But bottomline is, I'm already 26 years old, and even though people say I'm still young and there's still time, I have no time to redo my life. I can't go back to the beginning. Onward-bound ho!
• I've noticed that I'm starting to become more comfortable about myself. My personality, my body, my strengths and weaknesses. Even this whole single status thing doesn't bother me as much anymore. Something came over me and I don't know what, but I'm very thankful for it.

I think that is it for now. I'm about to run errands and maybe I'll think of something else to write about. Peace out!

With Open Arms

I think I'm ready to embrace life. If you care to hear me out, then read on. Otherwise, don't mind me, if you know me well enough, I get these "High On Life" moods here and there so I try to take advantage of them and write down my positivity so I can read them again when I'm down.

Anyway, moving on.

I'm ready to move on to bigger and better things. Whether it's to replace old feelings, to forget about the past. I'm just so darn tootin' tired of this life that I wanna move on. I'm constantly struggling and fighting to be happy and I'm just ready to Just Be Happy.

I have amazing friends that will always be there for me. I've gained new friends that I'm just so happy about. I've spend my summer really well this year. All I need is someone to share my happiness and love with, but I know God has someone for me, I just have to wait REAAAALLLLLYYYY patiently for that person. I know it's gonna be worth it. I just have to keep doing what I'm good at, eliminate my shortcomings and weaknesses, and just go on. Keep fighting. I'm 26 years old. I don't want to be the last to get married, to be the oldest mom in a Parents-Teachers meeting. I wanna be a young urban professional.

And I'ma do just that.

One Month's Worth of Epiphany

First off, I need to blog more. It obviously keeps me sane.

• I've been working really great hours at my job, and I'm loving it! I actually thought it was awesome I had to work 3 9-hour days that one week. Uh-oh. Does this mean I'm starting to become a workaholic? I don't mind it by the way, because I love my job (as meager my wages are), and the people are really awesome. I like the fact that only a handful of women work there. No drama.

• My friend N and I have been having a blast going out every weekend for more almost two months now. It is frickin' awesome! We go to sketchy dance clubs, local bars, the city, gay clubs, 24hour diners, club openings, birthday parties. It is such a blast! Plus it's the ultimate distraction. It's starting to make my way into my pockets but I guess it's all good. I told him that we're starting to be like Will and Grace.. a sexless marriage. Haha.

• As much as I just LOVE going out and having fun, whenever I come home, I can't help but feel a little bit scared. While some people my age are starting to look towards the direction of settling down, I feel like I'm nowhere near that goal. People around me tell me that I'm perfectly fine where I am at in my life. Enjoy it while it lasts, I'm still young. I'm just scared. I feel like, this going out part of me is always gonna be me. Half of me tells me that it's okay because it's who I am, but the other half is guilty doing it, that I probably should outgrow this phase already. Then I think about wishing that one day, I'd wake up and I'd grow out of it, and it scares me even more. The way that I live now is the way that I know how to live. That probably sounds confusing, but it makes sense to me. I can't let go of something that's me, but I do wanna settle down someday, have kids, all that crap. Haha. I'm torn.

• N invited me to a coworker's birthday party, and I thought I'd feel out of place and shy (yes, I'm super shy around strangers). But this crows was a blast to hang out with! They were all in there early- to mid-thirties, so they're young enough to still have fun but also old enough to know better. I actually, couldn't wait to be around their age (although of course I just wanna be young forever haha) and be as awesome as they are. I read somewhere before, thirty is the new twenty. And it's so true. I agree 100%. I wish that my friends now will still be my friends when I'm thirty. Then life will be a blast.

J, if we end up being roommates, we're not going out every night, right? -N.

• In contrast, I went to yet another college-town party last night with my friend T. The first college-town party T invited me to was so dumb and stupid and reckless and pretty much pointless.. not to mention they were serving Keystone Light, for crying out loud. People were playing beer pong with a door propped on bar stools, smell of weed or whatever in the air, teenagers nursing their drinks of choice: shots, handles, cheap beer. A four-bedroom student housing had AT LEAST 30 in there. This time around, the place was A LOT more mellow, obviously 21 and over, and not as dumb. I was hesitant to go because of my previous experience, but I wanted to do it for my friend 'coz she's my yes-man, and I should be her yes-man too. :)

• I need to conquer my top priorities right now: fixing my car up, and getting a second job. I'm crossing my fingers that everything else will fall into place afterwards. So far life has been a blast, and I thank my friends, my family, and of course My Homie Up Top for that. :))

Old Friend

About two weeks ago, my good friend Dioni, arrived in the US to work for about half a year. Obviously, this got me really excited as this is the closest I will have to home. We've been friends since high school and the last I've seen him was seven years ago. After finally settling down at his apartment in WI, we decided to meet up Chicago. It was really cool!! But embarrassingly so, I was a couple of hours late. What can I say, driving to the city from the suburbs on a holiday weekend (Taste of Chicago, Fourth of July) was not the best idea. When we met up, we just walked around downtown for a bit, took pictures with his friend and my friend.. until they have to catch the 840 train back home. It was a short time to catch up on each other's lives but There's still six months of that to do. Definitely plenty of time. :D

Quick Blog

My "home" situation has not been comfortable lately, and half the time I'm wishing I can't wait to move out. Check out my rant here.

Today is Chicago's Annual Gay Pride Parade!! And pardon my ignorance and I stand corrected for any wrong info.. but didn't NY pass same sex marriage in the last two days or something? It sure will be an even bigger party today at the parade! :)

The next few weekends are going to be really exciting!!

• Springfield day trip to visit the Lincoln Museum, and Lincoln's Tomb
• Summerfest
• Taste of Chicago
• Fourth of July
• Six Flags

Not to mention, I'm getting more hours at work! :))

For now, I should start getting ready for my busy day ahead.

Just Dance

So this is really frustrating. Lately, I've bombarded my life with anything dance. I've been obsessing with choreography videos by Kyle Hanagami, my friend updating her Twitter with her dance adventures, and movies about dance.
    When I was 7, my grandma insisted on signing me up for ballet classes but I wouldn't go for it because I wanted karate lessons. Ballet = Girls. Karate = Boys. So I ended up signed up for neither. Years later, here I am looking at dance classes at local dance academies or park districts around my area. I don't want competitive dancing. I just want to learn how to dance. I want to learn how tap, belly dancing (even though I'm sure I can't force my body to move like that), jazz, ballroom, and of course hiphop. Heck, I'll even give ballet a shot.. or Zumba. I just want to move my feet and dance.
    I'm a clubhead and sometimes I get frustrated because I really wish I can get clubbing out of my system. But I really love going out and dancing the night away. Granted, I would never bootydance with someone that's not my boyfriend, but still. I can't sing to save my soul, I can't model (which I really wanted to back in highschool), I can't act, I can't even play an instrument. But I know that I can follow rhythm. I'm not flexible, I can't do the splits or cartwheels but I swear with every dance bone in my body, I can dance.
    This obsession with wanting to learn how to dance increased after I had a Step Up movie marathon with my roommates a few weeks ago. So much so that "Good Dancer" has now been added to my ever-growing list of Guy Standards.
    Is that bad?

The truest expression of a people is in its dance and in its music.  Bodies never lie.  ~Agnes de Mille

     I need to do something significant. I'm going to dance. Hmmmm, where should I go?

The Best Monday Ever

I went to work today with nothing special in mind. All I was thinking was that if I can just get through today, I'll be set, because I have the next two days off. What do I find on my desk when I walk in the office?

A bunch of lovely and colorful flowers and balloons.. and a strawberry shortcake! Not only did this very sweet gesture from my coworkers make my day, it totally made my week! What a wonderful way to kick off my birthday week! All afternoon at work, I kept looking at the flowers and I couldn't stop smiling. I've never been given flowers by anyone other than a boyfriend. I gotta say, receiving flowers unexpectedly from someone that is expected to give you flowers and receiving flowers unexpectedy from the people you would least expect to do so.. well, they're both awesome feelings but it's all two different feelings. I'm still giddy from my little surprise. I guess, what makes it even giddier is the fact that my coworkers didn't think I was working on my actual birthday (which is three days from now) so they decided to give me an early birthday surprise.
    The best thing about it is that my birthday greetings have already started pouring in! I don't want to sound vain or anything, but birthdays are my absolute favorite holidays! Yes, they're holidays to me. It's the one day of the year when a.) I can get away with almost anything, b.) people are extra EXTRA nice to me, c.) I get to be the center of attention for a little bit, and d.) on the off-chance that people decide to be generous.. well, I get to unwrap presents! Oh, and one more thing, the most important one, e.) it's the one day of the year that I can hang out with all the people that I love all in one room.. or something like that.
    Anyway, that is all for now. I have to wake up extra early tomorrow for my downtown mission. Here's to hoping I have a rockin' adventure tomorrow!