Sometimes, I Think I'm Done.

    Sometimes, I think I need help. Not even talking to a good friend can help me. I need help. I get so depressed sometimes that I honestly really do have suicidal thoughts. And no, I'm not being emo or overly dramatic or anything. Most of the time, I get so depressed that I just want to give up. But a part of me thinks that if I give up, all the help that people have given me will be useless. But how long will I have to live for other people? When will I live for myself?
    I'm very alone, I'm very lonely. But I'm also very, very good at hiding these emotions and these tears. All I have to do is insert a smile here, quote an inspirational quote there, blog happy thoughts and then people will just leave me alone. I'm soooo tired of crying. Crying at night, crying whenever I see a happy family, a happy couple, a happy person. I'm not happy. My mom doesn't think I can do better that what I already have right now. My sister thinks I'm incapable of having a life as good as what the air force has given her. Apparently, since my life is a living shithole, I'm not even allowed to have fun with other people. I guess people like me really don't deserve to be happy. The person that I love gave me up too. Everyone around me is happy. I know other people have problems too. But I'm alone, I'm lonely, and people just don't understand how depressed I get sometimes. I just want to give up. But I'm so scared as to what's going to happen.
    How many times do I cry at night because something made me sad?  As much as I love my job, I have a crappy job. As much as I love my friends, everyone's coupled up that it's make me feel shittier that I already am. Everywhere I look, people have a reason to live. I hate the crappiness of my job, I hate not having a family, I hate not having someone to love, I hate not being loved, I hate the holidays, I hate that I'm not in school, I hate that I'm poor, I hate that no matter how much I scream for help my hands are empty.
    I'm tired. I'm soooo fucking tired. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of being lonely, I'm tired of being useless, I'm tired of all this shit.
    When something bad happens to me, I always think, "hey, at least I'm still alive." But what if being dead is easier?
    I'm soooo done.