Pride!

Oon my way to the chicago gay pride parade 2010.  

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.Dr. Seuss

It was raining cats and dogs this morning.. and super dark too. And then the sun decided to come out. (pun DEFINITELY intended).

Have a nice day!!

Angels?

Yesterday was a good day for me that I feel like I need to blog about it.

I tweeted this yesterday morning:

smiling and hoping that today will be a good day! :D10:13 AM Jun 24th via web from Elgin, IL
1.) My good friend Joyce messaged me something in FB that made me smile. Can't tell you guys what it's about. But it indeed made me smile! :D
2.) I was ringing up this mother-daughter customer at work and they both complimented me on my nails because they love the color purple. I giggled like a little girl on the inside. But I did say thank you! :D
3.) This middle-aged guy was waiting for something by the Parts window, next to my window (cashier), and he was bored so he started talking to me. A few minutes into the conversation, he complimented me on my tan and how it's really nice and that I have a "glowing tan". I thought I was getting too dark, what with swimming pretty much every other day. But the man complimenting me made me think, "Hey, maybe it's not that bad."
Yesterday also marked one week of my friend's passing. I know he's much happier now. :D
I know it's you, Nick. You still managed to make my day.. through other people. :D

The Clouds Are Amazing Today!

A really good friend passed away today. I've only known him maybe for a couple of years, but we became good friends late last year. He cheered me up and listen to me whine and complain and rant and vent when I was at such a low point. Random invitation to hang out with people at JB's, the local karaoke bar, even though I don't sing.. and neither did he. His Captain & Coke and whatever I have a taste for that night.He would randomly invite me to hang out at Steak 'n Shake in the middle of the night, throw frisbees and footballs in front of a 24hours gym. Cravings for eggrolls and bubble tea were satisfied with random trips to Chinatown.. yes in the middle of the night. He'd always pay too. Thanks for letting me mooch, kid.

It was so unexpected, he was so young. He's going to school AND just started a new job in the city. We made plans to go to Chinatown after he gets his paycheck.. and he was gonna cook french toast for me and some friends. Apparently he's really awesome with french toast, or so he said.

Yes, he can be annoying at times. But what twentysomething boy is not?

It was just too close to home, you know? First it was that celebrity, that person that a friend knows, a neighbor, an acquaintance. But a friend? It was in my own fence. It was a person I laughed with, joked around with, shared stories with, shared a hug with.

His passing taught me an age old lesson, I should've learned a long time ago. Tell the people you love that you love them before it's too late.

Him: Hey Jay (he'd call me vajanis, then vajayjay)
Me: Waza??
Him: love you.
Me: It always amuses me how easily you throw those three words around.. why?
Him: Nevermind.

And now he gave me the answer. Every night, he'd text a bunch of people, "What's going on tonight?" Half the time I blow him off because I'm too tired to hang out, or even to talk. Sometimes, I'd think, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to [insert plans here]." Just last Friday, he invited me over for a bonfire. All I told him was, "How are you throwing a bonfire when half the people are in Relay? Besides, I need to go home and sleep 'coz I have work in the morning. Plus, my ride's here." His reply? "You should've told me, I could've just given you a ride." And my thought process was, we're gonna go to Chinatown anyway, let's just wait. But I guess there's no chance for that now.

Study harder.
Dream bigger.
Talk nicer.
Laugh louder.
Smile sweeter.
Stand prouder.
Walk straighter.
Run faster.
Jump farther.
Fly higher.
Live fuller.
Love deeper.
Shine brighter.
..and most importantly, speak up like it's your last minute on Earth. Tell the people you love how important they are to you. How much they've affected your life, and how much you appreciate them in your life. And don't forget to thank them for letting you become a part of theirs.

Because you never know when God is going to call you home. And when that happens, you should've lived your life the way God intended for you to. With deep relationships, and deeper meaning.

When you were born, you cried, and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.

Thanks for the memories, kid.
You're right, the clouds are amazing today.

Playgrounds.

I wish I was still in kindergarten. The biggest drama in your life is trying to find out who stole your crayon. The ultimate surprise is opening your lunch box and your mommy packing you an extra cookie. The security that, like clockwork, you know when  it's time for recess, for nap, or for mommy or daddy to pick you up.

Growing up is taking it's ultimate toll on me. And I'm 25. You might think that I should've grown up years ago. My rebuttal is that I will always be a kid at heart, and I can't force myself to grow up. There is nothing at the finish line but death, so why not enjoy life while you can right?

But this past year and a half, I was thrown every lemon, and every rock, and every bread people can find. I also jumped over and stumbled over every hurdle that I ran into. And yet, I took it with faith that everything will be okay. Because if there is one thing that I have always felt sure of, it was clockwork. Court. Probation. Work. Payday. Off days. Hanging out with friends. Everything operates in clockwork. I have a planner, a calendar, a to-do-list, an alarm for every event. I can always count on things to happen. Relationships also operate like clockwork for me. But it seems that I can't hold on to a relationship long enough. Bestfriends, friends, family, relatives. All relationships that if not cracked, are already broken. But as long as I see that everyone else around me is okay, then I will be okay.

Let me tell you about my playground. I've never had a constant group of friends. But a year-ish ago, I found it. A mature enough yet fun enough group of people that each had their own personality.. and we all just meshed together. Every weekend, like clockwork, we hang out, we have our Sunday family dinners, we watch movies. Anything goes. Girls plan the evening while our beloved Wolf Pack work out and boost and challenge each other's ego. And since I have no family here, this is my family. And whoever messes with my family, gets it. I'm serious. These group of people is the most important people in my life right now. They have helped me beyond words. From breakups to losing jobs to cars breaking down to being penniless and no place to stay. They don't know it but they are the family that I don't have right now. We took care of each other and got each others' backs like we were all brothers and sisters. The seven of us ruled this playground.

Sure things change, but to me change means "more or less of what is already there." Change is not the disappearance of an emotion, of laughter, of a friend. Of family. And I'm sorry to be cliche but this is my Ohana right here. And to quote Lilo, "Ohana means family. Family means no one gets left behind."

But it seems that I gave more importance to these playmates than the rest of the team. I am holding them in the palm of my hand cherishing every experience I go through with them. But they're all ready to move on. And I'm stuck here. Alone. As always.

But what happens when something gets thrown off schedule or was cancelled, you ask. I say, if it does not work for me, as long as I can see it work for others, I have hope. I have faith. And what if those things around me that gives me hope.. fails? That when I start losing hope. That's when I start faltering. That's when I wish there is something else, somebody else, that will hold my hand, rub my back, and put me for a nap, telling me in a hushed voice, that everything will be okay when you wake up. Like in kindergarten.

But it's not. It never will be. Growing up sucks.

ThinkCrap.

I can't believe I haven't blogged in a month! You can just imagine how much crap I have going on inside my brain. Grr. I've been having ups and downs of my days. I'll update soon enough. Don't worry, I'm still alive.

The Name Game

My heart still breaks everytime I hear your name.
And I would rather have that.
Than to never hear your name again.

My love forever.

Kung Ako Nalang Sana. ♥

Heto ka na naman kumakatok sa'king pintuan
Muling naghahanap ng makakausap
At heto naman ako nakikinig sa mga kwento mong paulit-ulit lang
Nagtitiis kahit nasasaktan

Ewan ko bakit ba hindi ka pa nadadala
Hindi ba't kailan lang nang ika'y iwanan nya
At ewan ko nga sa'yo parang balewala ang puso ko
Ano nga bang meron siya na sa akin ay 'di mo makita

Chorus:
Kung ako na lang sana ang 'yong minahal
'Di ka na muling mag-iisa
Kung ako na lang sana ang 'yong minahal
'Di ka na muling luluha pa
'Di ka na mangangailangan pang humanap ng iba
Narito ang puso ko naghihintay lamang sa'yo

Heto pa rin ako, umaasang ang puso mo
Baka sakali pang ito'y magbago
Narito lang ako kasama mo buong buhay mo
Ang kulang na lang mahalin mo rin akong lubusan

Kung ako na lang sana ang yong minahal
Di ka na muling mag-iisa
Kung ako na lang sana ang yong minahal
Di ka na muling luluha pa
Di ka na mangangailangan pang humanap ng iba
Narito ang puso ko naghihintay lamang sayo
Kung ako na lang sana...

Oooo...
Kung ako na lang sana ang yong minahal
Di ka na muling mag-iisa
Kung ako na lang sana ang yong minahal
Di ka na muling luluha pa
Di ka na mangangailangan pang humanap ng iba
Narito ang puso ko naghihintay lamang sayo
Kung ako na lang sana...

(what a way to start my night. all i want, more than ever, is to be in the arms of the person that i gave my heart to. the heart wants what the heart wants, and needs.)

No Holds Barred. Uncensored.

Part I

It's been 189 days since I stopped being his and he stopped being mine. Actually, he's still in my heart. He will always have the biggest part of me. Just thinking and feeling all these is so overwhelming that I think I'm going to cry. It's been half a year since my heart broke, and though my heart is still in pieces, it surprises me that I can still love him like this as if it was the first time I realized I loved him.. with all the pieces of my heart. Each day feels like a month, a month a year.. and I feel like I've been trudging on deep waters in slow motion for forever. It's still hard for me to breathe. It's still hard for me to smile. It's still hard for me to listen to songs. And the funny thing is, I started classifying songs as pre-Janis and post-Janis. And either way I look at it, it's hard to listen to them.

He was the best thing that happened to me and I know that I, him. The life we shared together was something I never imagined I can ever deserve. But I know that God made him a part of my life for a reason. Like what I have always said, "I must have done something right.."

Cliche as it may sound, I love him so much it hurts. Whenever he comes around, I am always so thankful and happy and appreciative. I take in every part of him. Because God only knows when the next time I will see his  beautiful smile again.

I would look at him and he is still the Danny that I know and love. He is still the man that loved me for who I am and loved my family even more, expecially, when I didn't know how. The simple things like, handing him a plate, or serving him dinner, or throwing a blanket over him when he falls asleep on the couch or the floor. To this he would say, "You still take care of me." And punctuate it with that musing smile. Little things like that still make my heart swell with pride. For I never really asked a lot from him. Just his loving, caring, sweet nature that is Danny.

A hug that I have not felt in such a long time, I thought that I'd have forgotten what that felt like. But I remembered, he made me remember. As he offered me a hug from out of nowhere, all these emotions came flooding back and I remember. I remember everything. And like a Lego piece, I still fit in that niche as if I still belonged there.

In God's time, and in God's will.

I love you.

It's The Little Things That I've Learned To Appreciate.

First off, it's hard to write this blog when I have a dinosaur headache pounding on my skull. -ugh-

Anyhoo, I had a surprisingly awesome weekend. Nowadays, actually for the past half year (wow, it's been half a year already? I remember it like it's yesterday.), awesome weekends are soooo hard to come by. That's why I've learned to rock it and appreciate it.

Friday:

Woke up early-ish so that the husbees and I could go and apply for an apartment in Hunters Ridge. And then I was almost late for work, but I think it's worth it because I really really hope and wish and pray that we get approved for the apartment. I CANNOT emphasize how much my back and my body craves to lie on a bed. MY BED. 9 months. I have been sleeping on the floor or on the couch for 9 friggin' months. I want a bed and I want a bed now. Not to mention I've been living out of a suitcase, or a plastic drawer container for the same amount of time. I NEED a decent place to live it. And hopefully, this is it.

And then the husbees dropped me off and picked me up from work in spite of the rain. They were late though. Losers. Haha.

Saturday:

I don't remember what I did earlier that day (..just coz.) But later on that day, the barkada sans Danny and Ku Owen went to Ate Rose's for a random party with the grey hounds. And even though it was for Ate Rose's guests, OF COURSE we still dominated the place. I think it's a barkada thing. Haha. We had an awesome time nonetheless. And the funniest thing was that the older people who were there were all friends and/or relatives and I guess, we walked out on them and one guy was giving this other guy a lapdance  with his shirt off. And they were also being loud and funny and whatnot (in their own ways, haha.) But anyway, Diana was like, "That's us in 10-20 years." And we got silent, and then started laughing. Coz it JUST MIGHT  END UP COMING TRUE!! Hahahaha!! I'm glad if we're still friends after 20 years. Love My Barkada. Everyone Of Them.

Sunday:

Sunday was kind of a busy day. Ish. I tagged along bridesmaids dress shopping with Jessel, Lyra, and KC, and Diana caught up with us later on. We walked around Woodfield Mall (like girlfriends which I thought was funny coz I haven't had that since the Philippines). And then we went to House of Brides and then ate at Taste of Thai.

And then we came home so the guys can do their Wolfpack Workout. And then we just chilled and Diana made Sa-paghetti for the boys. And then there was a drama episode with Ku Cortz and a heartache but that's a story for another day. Anyway. I was so happy because even though Ku Cortz was in his room, we were complete!! <3 We had dinner of Sa-paghetti and we played cards and drank until the wee hours of the morning. And then we watched Sex Drive. Well, just me, KC, and Danny.

And then there were two.

I'm not gonna go into details but I was really happy. Because nothing beats that familiar feeling with an old friend. :D Friends Rock! I Love You Guys! You are my family here. Ku Owen, Ku Cortz, Dee, KC, Roger, Danny. And the little ones too, Soapy and Jaden. And extended family Jayce, Lyra, and their sig others Omar and John (aka Sweet Lips) na rin. :D

Having The Case of The "I Miss You's"

Just when you think that everything can be okay, all it takes is one word, one song, one sight, one moment, one place, one memory. Let's just say May 01, 2010 gave me a sensory overload that I'm surprised I'm still standing.

All day long I was with Ku Cortz and KC. And all day long we were just joking around, talking and whatnot about relationships. And I kept commenting stuff like, "Let's go find me a new boyfriend. I'm bored." Or "Maybe I should just get in a relationship for money. But that would require sex in return. Can I just cook and massage in return?" And something else in between. Ugh.


And I've been doing so good too. Trying to avoid songs, places, situations, actions that will bring me back to the time when I was the most alive. Because even though it feels empty on the inside. I'm numb. And that's better than just remembering the happiness that I had, and lost. Heck, I haven't even visited the "dangerzone" in twelve days. *sigh* ignorance is indeed bliss.

Oh but what I would give to bring back the days of happiness. Because having the case of the I Miss Yous is waking me up. I've been numb for a while now. While I laugh along, and smile along, and joke along. I'm numb. And I'm waking up. And I just want to sometimes just be numb again. But who lives like that anyway? All numb and stuff. I just want to be happy with him again.

Ang God know I tried to put myself out there. I even edited my effin blogs here and there just so whoever "potential" decides to check it out would NOT think I still love him. A lot A LOT. And potentials don't really work. Dammit.

I hate that I'm still stuck in this place.

Red Ink. *d.o.e.*

FYI: I think it was so ironically funny that we both liked the same song at a friend's profile. I'm still in there. =)

Restless.

Uh.
I kinda miss him.
Like, a lot.

(Not So Much) Sex And The Suburbs.

Lyra decided to treat the girls for some birthday mani-pedis yesterday. So off we went. And by "we" I mean Lyra, Dee, KC, and yours truly. We drove to Schaumburg so we can just have it done at Woodfield Mall coz Lyra had to have her iPhone fixed. And then we walked around with our new toes and nails.

It was nice to have a girl's day. Or night. We didn't do anything "paint the town red" kind of thing. But I had fun. I think mostly because of two things: 1.) it distracted me from thinking a lot and 2.) I don't really have girlfriends, and this is the closest thing I've done that girlfriendy. I liked it. It was nice. Would've been nicer if I had more money than $15. Haha.

But anyway, it did distract me. So that was all worth it.

Mani-Pedis per person? $34 plus tips.
The Perfect Distraction? Priceless.
Finding Another Reason to Smile? More Than Priceless.