Paranoia

What is wrong with me? Why am I being like this? I'm getting paranoid, stressed, restless, antsy, anxious. Something's wrong, something's up. Why do I feel like the world is plotting something against me. First, I have enemies, then frenemies, then friends. And everything in my life is a mishmash of everything and everyone.

My bestfriend became my boyfriend. His exgirfriend became my nonfriend. His friends became my friends. My sister became my worst critic. His family became my family. My boyfriend became my former boyfriend. My former boyfriend's friends became my nonfriends. My former boyfriend's friend became his new girl. His ex girlfriend became my friend. Some of my former boyfriend's friends became my nonfriends. Some continued to be my friends. His family became my nonfamily. My friends are now friends with the new girl. The new girl's bestfriends wants to be friends with me. Everyone wants to be friends with everyone. And everyone doesn't want anything to do with me.

I seriously have a really bad case of paranoia and stress and anxiety. Throw in a little depression.

I need a good-paying job so I can hire a shrink who'll eat all my money away.

Drowning

Why do I feel like I'm drowning? This is getting all too much for me. How come I feel like I'm gaining frenemies?  Everywhere I look, she's there now. I want to cry so bad. But I'm not allowed to. But wait, why am I not allowed to express my emotions? Why am I not allowed to pour my heart out? Why am I not allowed to go after those that mean to me the most? Why are people telling me how to feel? How to act?

I want my nightmares to go away. I want to be able to smile for real again. I want to be able to see a smiling face that means the world to me, the one that will make the rain go away. For good. I want to wake up and see a familiar face. All I see is her. In my friends' faces, in the places that mean a lot to me, in every corner, every song, every spoken word, everything. All I see is her. I want my life back. I want my happiness back. I want my love back. I want to broken pieces back together. I need it. I'm hanging on for dear life. And who's hand am I holding on to? I don't even know anymore.

Change

What do you do when the things you believe the most, those things that you hold on to, those things that keep you sane and hopeful and alive, falter?

Like role models.

Like heroes.

Like love.

What do you do to hold on?

Or where to do you to find something to hold on to?

Word Vomit

I have a lot of things running around my mind. Today. Since I was supposed to be working, but I'm not. So I'm stuck at home, watching Sex and The City all day. And thoughts in my head.

• I'm going to be 25 in less than a month. And I am going to be 25 with nothing to show for it. 
• I want to be as independent and stubborn as Miranda Hobbes. But as smart/nonsmart as Carrie Bradshaw. And as homely and motherly and wifely and classy as Charlotte York. But as, uh, well.. when I get old, I want to have Samantha Jones' body. that's about it.
• I am stubborn.
• I miss loving and being loved.
• I miss holding hands. and kissing. Oh damn, I miss kissing.
• I hate not having a car.

AAHH!! So many things going on in my head, I can't even put it into words.

One thing I do know.

I miss you D.O.E.

Can't Let Go.

I'm tired, but I can't help it. Why can't I just wake up tomorrow morning and not love him anymore. He's always hanging out with her, and it hurts me like hell. It STILL hurts me like hell. Two months have passed, and yes, I'm so so SO NOT OVER HIM.

Everything I want is everything that he is.

Do I have to say it again? He's my happiness, he's my laughter, he's my tears. He's my love, he's my life, and he completes me.

Why does it have to end? I guess my whole theory stands true: If it's too good to be true, it's probably not.

I saw him in my future. He was going be part of my life. Marriage and kids and all that happy mushy crap. Not anytime soon, but in time.

I saw myself waking up early to make him breakfast, to pack him his lunch for work, to iron his clothes, to look at the back of my van and see car seats, booster seats, whatever. I saw myself with his last name connected to mine. I saw a wedding ring on my finger. I saw myself closing my eyes and waking up next to him from now until forever. I saw all that. It wasn't something I wanted right away. I wanted to prepare for that. But now it's not going to happen. I'm not losing hope. This is just a phase, I tell myself. So what if she's throwing herself all over her, suck it up right? Because I'm still holding on to hope, prayers, faith, fate, everything that is good that was us.

I love you, Danny Espiritu.

In General.

I love you, I still very much do.
I miss you, and it hurts so much to miss you.
I will take you back in a heartbeat.

But please..

Don't make me think that you're just like every other boy.
You hurt someone and you get over it.
I know you're different because I know you.
But it seems that until recently, I just THOUGHT I knew you.

Don't make me say "You're just like them."
Don't make me say "You're no different that all these guys you say you're different from."
Don't make me say "You are like every other guy out there."
Don't make me say "There's nothing special about you."

I am hurt.
I want you to hurt.
Then I will know life is fair.

Missing Us.

"I love you without knowing how, why or even from where." - Patch Adams.

I miss being loved.
And hugged.
And kissed.
And my hand being held.
My hair being tucked behind my ear.
My skin being caressed.
My cheek being touched.
I miss being loved.

How hard it is to fall asleep without that feeling that someone from afar is thinking about you as ~they~ go to sleep.

How hard it is to wake up without that feeling that someone from afar is thinking about you as ~they~ wake up.

How hard it is to let you go, my dude, when all I've ever known is to be yours. And that you were always mine.

How hard it is to go through each day missing you, and loving you, without letting you know.

They say that you should tell the person you love how you feel about them before it's too late.

I love you. So much still.

Oh, the pain lives on.

I thought I was going to be okay. I thought I can crawl back in my happy place and be strong. But I guess no one told me it’s going to take time. I literally cannot breathe right now, coz it hurts too much.

“But you’re Danny and Janis!”

“I know.”

12

People will always be jealous of what we had.
<3

i am.

i am.

i'm tired of having to defend myself and having to protect myself. i'm tired of giving people the benefit of the doubt and end up screwing me over for their own personal gain and benefit. i'm tired.

i'm tired of being a pushover. and giving my trust to people who don't need it. and letting people in without questioning their motives. if i need to, the wall is coming back up. it's the only way to protect the rest of my broken self. if i'm going to rebuild myself, i'm going to need sturdier nails, stronger foundations, more reliable helpers. none of this artificial and superficial shiznits.

i'm going back to the beginning. back before i became damaged. back when i can stand on my own two feet, back when my stubbornness was my drive for success, back when i didn't give a feck to what other people think, and back when i saw my future and anyone who crosses me and me dreams get crossed a thousand times.

i'm going back to the stronger, and better jaja.
likable.
untouchable.
intimidating.
individual.
independent.
crazysexycool.

and i hope my old happy song helps me remember what i've lost.



"Unwritten"

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah

For you, my bestfriend.

For you, my bestfriend.

If friends came with a price tag, I wouldn't be able to afford someone like you. I thank God we got the chance to cross paths and become the best of friends. If happiness truly outweighs the pain, then I believe we can get past this mountain. I dedicate this song to you, because I want you to know that as you have become my pillar of strength, it is now my turn to return the favor.

This is my favorite quote on friendship: A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

We may have forgotten the words, but it's in there somewhere.

LEAN ON ME

Sometime in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise we know that there's
Always tomorrow

Lean on me when you're not strong and
I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride if I have things
You need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
that you won't let show

Just call on me brother when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long till 'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Just call on me brother when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road, I'll share your load
if you just call me

Just call me when you need a friend
Just call me when you need a friend..

Irony

Wanna know something really ironic? For days and days, i had put off writing my 100th blog because I wanted to save it for something special. Something that's worth celebrating the turn of the century (so to speak). So when I found the perfect thing to write about, I'm like "Go, go, go!" Hence, I wrote about my indefatigable patience and unconditional love for my dude and his stress with nursing school. I wrote about my promise to be a better, more loving, more understanding, and definitely more patient and supportive girlfriend. I wrote about how I would miss our sweetnothingness and whatnot, and yet every minute I will have will him will be amazing. Because I love him, and that's all there is to it.

Oh, the irony of life, I tell you.

How ironic is it that the next blog I'm writing is about my broken heart, as he had broken up with me. It's been three weeks since it happened, and while others tell me to move on and get over it, I can't. You can't have loved a person and had a hard time getting over and then tell another person suffering the same fate to just let it go. Everyone deserves the right to wallow, to bask in the pain, to drown in their sorrow. Everyone's bound to come up for air sometime, right?

I'm slowly coming up for air, but I can't promise I won't sink again. But right now, I've come to be at peace with myself. And be at peace with him. We have an understanding that in time, we will be friends. And I'm counting on that day. Because even though I know I will always love him, I know that I will always want to be his bestfriend more than anything.

Some people try to get in the way. All this time, just waiting in the shadows, lurking. Waiting for the right time to pounce. What a shame. Where's the dignity, people?

Danny and I had a story. I was a girl inside the house, and he was the boy on the ledge. And there were three vandals who are trying to ruin my fence.. or ledge. Whatever. That's how our story started. Funny how, this might be how it's going to end.

Opportunists. I have always believed in the goodness of man. People are not born evil. But I guess, along the way some things happen and they become bad. Is experience an excuse to go bad? I have issues, I have baggage. And I am damaged good. "Dark and Twisty", like Meredith in Grey's Anatomy, who doesn't think she deserves the good things in life, that misery is company. Yes, I am damaged good. But I never aspired for perfection. Try as I may to get as close as possible, I know I will never be. At least I tried. And I am the biggest pushover, ever. I let people get the best of me. I trust, I let them in. I play by the rules. But it seems that I am the only one who follows the rules. I guess, I am the posterchild for "Good girls finish last." I can't help it. I am a traditionalist when it comes to relationships. I may not be the most religious in the lot, but I am born and raised Catholic in a traditional and conservative Filipino culture. I believe in love, in unconditional love. I believe in trust, and doing good things. I don't believe in "All's fair in love and war." I don't believe in "Free for all unless you're already married." I don't believe in kissing or doing IT outside the umbrellas of relationships. I think that kissing and holding hands in itself is sacred. I don't believe in flirting. I believe in love. In it's purest and most powerful essence. And yet opportunists are everywhere and they take advantage of my goodness.

I love my Danny. Forever. I pray that time is on my side. I will wait. I will love unconditionally. And I will do all these without having to step on people's toes. I will do all these without being deceitful, dishonest, treacherous, vengeful. I will give him my love in it's purest and most powerful essence. Because I love him.

JD.DE.011207.