You Make Me Feel

    Hello, Monday. It's been a while since I've poured my heart out. Here goes..

    It's 943a and I've been in a very broody mood since Friday night and I think I'm going to be in this phase for a while. Let me backtrack.
    I was free the whole day on Friday and all I did was knit and watch movies and tv shows online. Well, I did do my chores here and there. When I finally found the energy to leave the house, I spent more than an hour at Walmart for some grocery shopping. When I came home, I tried this new recipe for dinner. I ate dinner and then I went back to knitting.
    I got a text message from a friend inviting me to hang out with them at a local karaoke bar. After karaoke, we went dancing in a different place, then returned to the karaoke bar for a nightcap. But since we didn't wanna go home yet, my friend Noah and I decided to crash J-Ho's house and we stayed there until almost 6am watching horror movies. I came home at 6a and I only had an hour and a half to sleep/get ready because I was scheduled to work at 8a. So what did I do? I plopped down on my bed for half an hour, put myself together, made breakfast and lunch and sped on to work. Yes, I went to work with my clothes from the day before. I pretty much did the walk of shame without the obligatory shameless deed.
    Right after work, I went with my friend to pick up something in Bensenville. When we came back to her house, we watched a movie, but since I was running on half an hour of sleep, I just crashed at her place. The next morning, I woke up at 7a, snuck out of her house, stopped by Meijer, bought a hair dye and went home.
    And then it was a Sunday at home. I cooked breakfast, I made a salad and some new chicken recip for dinner, I worked out, I watched a movie with my roommates and their cousins, I knitted, I went online, I knitted again, a couple of friends stopped by so we chatted for a little bit, I had to give one of my friends a ride home, I knitted some more, I moped and moaned and whined and groaned because I couldn't connect to the internet, and when I was finally able to, I watched more shows online while knitting, then I fell asleep.
    Wait, that doesn't explain my brooding mood. Actually it did. The point being is that I did all these stuff over the weekend (and mind you, it was the two extremes of a potentially single girl: setting up for a lonely future by doing indoorsy stuff, and setting up for a lonely future by wildin' out until the sun rises), but it all seem like a blur to me. It's because of one news that although I'm very happy about, it just makes me feel more sad, and alone, and lonely. You see, my friend got engaged.
    She went on vacation and her boyfriend of about five years proposed to her, and I'm guessing he did it within the lovely beaches of Boracay. I'm really happy for her, it's about damn time.
    But from last year until this very second, I've had friends who started dating, friends who moved in with their significant others, friends who got engaged, friends who got married, friends who had babies. It's not a happy feeling at the pit of my stomach you know?
    The world is spinning around and I'm stuck in one spot. Life is passing me by, and before you know it, I'd be the friend everyone asks to babysit their kids because they have to a.) do errands, b.) they have prior commitments, or c.) they're going out (as a couple or as a group, doesn't really matter). And my little old lonely ass have nothing better to do than watch reruns of my favorite shows while I knit little cute outfits for my friends' babies.
    I don't want to be alone, I don't want to die alone. I want to love at least one more time before I check out of this lifetime. I want to be loved one more time. And as a side note, I wanna feel how it would be like to be treated like a princess, like I'm the only one.
    Everything was a mishmash of heartaches, tears, loneliness and fake laughter and happiness all throughout last year. I've had friends tell me I should move on, get over him. But a handful of friends who understood me told me to take my time, because it will always be him until there's someone else.
    Maybe there's someone else. I've actually made an effort to be happier since the new year came along. I met a new friend. I think he's really nice and he seem like a very decent person (but then that's what the last one said he was too, until he decided to cut me off his life. FYI: real friends don't cut each other from their lives, real friends accept what the other person can give, because no one is perfect). Anyway, let's reel it back in shall we? This guy, he looks and sounds very smart, and God only knows I'm attracted to sense of humor and intelligence. I'm not the smartest kid around, but you gotta learn to at the very least spell, okay? Nothing irks me more than misspelled words.
    But right now I'm on the fence. I don't know what to do, or what's going on. I'm so scared of disappointment and rejection and getting hurt again that at this rate, I don't feel like I should even complain about being alone and lonely. What's important though is that this person has given me a reason to smile.. not everyday, just when "he's there". And he doesn't even know it. He did do one thing really nice that I just can't help smile every time I think about it. ♥

     Tell me this, I will find someone right? Someone who will treat me right? Someone who will love me for me and not leave me when the going gets tough?
    My head is in the clouds.

Superficial or Standard

    One of my resolutions was to open up to the idea of meeting people with the potential to date. I can't say that I'm rusty at meeting people seeings as I've never really tried in the past. Let's just say I get borderline anxiety attacks from even the mere thought of talking to strangers. But that was then, and I'm trying to change for the NOW.
    I have a situation. I don't know if it's good or bad. I just know that.. it is.

    Let's start with boy number 1, Let's call him 4-N. I met recently met 4-N through a friend. I was attracted to 4-N right off the bat but I had to hold back because he was friend's ex from 8(?) years ago. I thought he is really REALLY smart, well-spoken (wait, is that even a word?), and don't even get me started with his accent. HOT DAMN.
    We shall call boy number 2 Lo-cal.  I met Lo-cal online. Lo-cal sounds very street smart, and his take on dating is somewhat traditional. He doesn't look too bad, and his height checks out with my standards.

    Now, 4-N is not a hot commodity, which is something that has lately been catching my eye. He's low-key, he's down to earth, and from what I've learned, very insightful and traditional. I have sort of an issue against liking him because he dated my friend for at least a year.. 8something years ago. But get this, my friend told me that 4-N and I should start dating because it would be awesome, and that apparently he thinks I'm a lot of fun. I'm worried about dating a friend's ex, that's girl code right? But one of my close friends pointed out that since my friend actually promotes us going out and we "have her blessing", that it TOTALLY nullifies that specific girl code between me and her. Makes sense.
    Lo-cal sounds like he'll treat a girl nice. But aside from the basic stuff that I know about him, I don't think there's much else to it. He's into cars, he doesn't smoke and he seems sweet. But when I'm talking to him, I don't feel anything. It's like he's just.. there.

    Are you waiting for the cons?

    Cons for 4-N: He lives almost 5000 miles away. I think I like him enough not to do anything about it because I might get disappointed.
    Cons for Lo-cal: I don't feel anything when I'm talking to him. He can't spell for the life of him. The way he lives his life is not exciting enough for me.

    At first, I was really trying to open up to the idea of Lo-cal but the mere fact that everytime we chat or whatever, he constantly misspells something. It bugs the hell out of me. I mean, is that superficial or what? Intelligence is a big thing for me. As much as I love talent (especially the triple threat: dance, sing, act.. in that order), I am really attracted to intelligence. I think it's sexy, it's VERY interesting, and I know that I will ALWAYS get a good conversation out of it. Should I really settle for convenience? Someone that will be there for me that's just around the corner? Figuratively speaking of course. I believe that one should always "go big, or go home" because really, what's the point of trying if you're not gonna give it your best shot right? And settling is really out of the question for me. I think that I deserve more than just settling for anything that's convenient.. that's right now.
    I can't help it that I have standards.. very complicated, intricate standards. Is it my fault? Should I really lower my standards just so I can have the promise of temporary happiness? There's no guarantee it's going to last, but at least if it did, it's not gonna kill me inside in the long run knowing that I've passed by someone better because I settled. Right?
    I probably hear from 4-N maybe once a week. Lo-cal says hey every morning. And recently, it's been annoying me for the fact that he not only says hey every frickin morning and tries to chat with me whenever it appears I'm online, he would always go through the motions of how's work, how was your day, what are you doing this weekend, what did you do this weekend, how was your thing with the thing that time.. blah, blah, frickin' blah. I'm like, "Uh, I think we're gonna have a problem." We're not even going out and I already feel pressured and obliged to answer your questions. Uhm, hello????
    So yes, bottom line is.. I allowed myself to be turned off by Lo-cal's inability to spell and for trying to be interested in the things that I do, while I'm here waiting for 4-N to say something, do something.
    Now I'm torn between my eternal self-battle of "Do I go for the one that I'm interested in, or the one that's interested in me."
    Life sucks sometimes. The dating game sucks even more.

24/7/365

    Lately, I've been having these feeling that 24 hours honestly is not enough in a day. Between work, online classes, my "online" social life, chores, errands, completing my 365s and resolutions, and spending time alone and with friends, I just am running out of time in a day! And I keep complaining I don't have a life. Jeez!
    Last weekend alone I went shopping, went to 2 birthday dinners, watched a movie with a friend, went bowling, went grocery shopping, met up with a friend for a while, and watched the Bears-Packers game. One weekend!
    This weekend, I'm working two days, going to a birthday party in St. Charles and then another one in Dekalb, and then our Sunday Family Dinner too. Sometimes, I think I have waaaay too many friends for my own good.. haha!! Don't get me wrong, I love all of them though. I'm just saying.
    Which brings me to questions that have been brewing in my mind:

• If I had been going out with someone these past year or so, would I have been able to do all these stuff?
• Would I exchange this "single life" to be in a relationship? (granted that my life is not high and social, but still)
• Will I still be able to do this if I end up being with someone?

    With my past (and only) relationship, we did a lot of things. We had a blast and we were fun and adventurous and tried out new things, and explored activities. But not only did we not just do them together, we did it mostly just by ourselves. We learned a lot of things and we learned it together. Because of that relationship, I learned to be more outgoing, more personable, friendlier, and more comfortable in meeting new people. I have become a social butterfly (so to speak) and I love it.
    Sure I complain sometimes that I don't ever have enough things on my social calendar, but it's still more than what an average person has (I think).
    I've come to terms that there are two types of singlehood. The pre-boyfriend single (never had a boyfriend) and the post-boyfriend single (obviously). I gotta say, I enjoyed my pre-boyfriend singlehood, but at that age there were more of us singletons. It wasn't hard to scroll down your contact list and message "wanna hang out?" to your girlfriends and guybuddies. Most everyone were up to being random and impromptu. But I'm post-boyfriend single at an age where most of my friends are dating or engaged or even married. The handful single friends I have are a drive and a fence away. Or in college. Or don't make enough money to spend it.
    The thing that sucks about post-boyfriend singlehood is that I'm more aware than ever of couples, things couple do/can do, places couples go to/can go to, holidays, birthdays, and every other couple-y things.
    I get comments like "Don't ever get married!" or "Don't ever have kids!!" or "If I was single like you, I'd be having lots of fun and meeting guys (another topic) and go places!!".
    "I wish I was single." BAH.
    So now I'm stuck in a rut. [refer to questions above]
    But while I'm torn and don't know what to do, I'm having fun my way. :D

Car Troubles Be Gone.

    Two nights ago, my car battery died on me on three different times: before work, after work, when I got to my friend's house. After that third time, my friend's husband checked my car. They let me crash at their house and the next day, my friend and I woke up early to buy new car batteries.. and lo and behold, oil. (Apparently, the dipstick showed no oil at all.. and no, I'm not calling the car any names.)

    Here's what I learned that night:

• I found out that if your car's dead and and you have to push it somewhere, there's a lock you have to disengage so you can change the lever to neutral.
• I learned how to change my own oil. 
• I learned how to take out and replace my own car batteries.
• I learned the basic parts of a car engine.
• I [re]learned that you can't take the keys out of your ignition once you turn it off if the car is still in neutral.

    Over the summer, my bucketlist is going to include a crash course on cars: how to fix it, what are the parts, how everything works, change my own tires, etc. That's more than what the average girl would know, right?

The Family That Eats Together..

    Every Sunday, as far back as I can remember (and by that I mean it started summer of '09) my friends and I have been getting together at Dee's and Owen's house for dinner. Our barkada (tagalog word that means a group of close friends, and similarly like the tv show Friends; relationship) gets together and shares what we call Sunday Family Dinner. We crowd around Dee's breakfast table (there's seven of us) and tell stories about our crazy weeks, shares jokes and funny anecdotes, vents and rants about our bad days over homecooked meal.
    We've gone from all seven of us to sometimes just three, or just whoever can make it. I can honestly say that I've never missed a dinner night.. and we've only had to cancel maybe one or two times. We've had taco night, fajita night, soul food night, korean barbeque-style, grills, etc. etc. We've shared Thanksgiving meals and Easter dinners, birthday dinners, breakup dinners, come what may. There were days when the boys would be working out while the girls make dinner, our boys come home to home cooked meals and we'd wait until everyone's there before we grab our plates and attack.
    There's the occasional eat-out nights (from sundays to any days of the week) at teppan places, sushi places, buffets, chinese restaurants, tapas, etc. But Sunday Family Dinners are always the best. There'd be desserts sometimes, we'd play cards after we've cleared the tables, or watch a movie while laying down or sitting comfortably, digesting our heavy meals. When no one has anything important going on the next day, we'd even have the occasional social drinking hour after dinner.. and by that I mean jello shots, sake bombs, car bombs, scooby schapps, and whatever else our resident bartender can cook up with the liquor stash that we have.
    There'd be the occasional drama and conflicts and fights. But I gotta say, I'm the happiest when all seven of us are gathered around the table.. with our stories and rants and raves and jokes.
     I really cherish Sunday Family Dinners. Seven people, seven lives. But during Sundays, I feel like I'm part of a family. I love you guys!!

Learning The Game

    I don't know how to play the game. The dating game, that is. Even though I've been out of a three year relationship for more than a year now, I can honestly say I didn't go on dates with that guy. So technically, I've never gone on a date. EVER. Nor would I ever know how to. Kind of embarrassing to admit, coming from a 25 (almost 26) year old. I'm a late bloomer in this field actually. My last relationship was was first relationship. And going out on the dating world at this age, scares the hell out of me. When everyone knows the unspoken rules of love, lust, and dating. I am but a two year old learning how to put puzzles together.
    Trying is almost out of the question. I suffer from word vomit when I'm around the opposite sex, I ate eye contacts for long periods of time (I get really self-conscious), and my nerves are just about ready to explode on just about any flirting situation. Oh, and may I just add one teeny tiny thing: I don't know how to flirt.
    I have a handful of really good friends who met their significant others online. One lasted fore a couple of years, one lasted for a couple of months. And one is currently in progress. Two met on an online dating site and one in a chatroom. I have always thought that online dating/matchmaking is for a population that cannot otherwise find a significant other in the real world and is a sign of desperation. But now that I look back, people in my age group are too busy building roots for their own future, stability and security for their future significant others or themselves, that there is simply no time to scout each and every single-populated location. Online dating is a " fast, get in, get out" kind of way. People who sign up are obviously interested in a relationship, long term or otherwise. No need to test the waters and see if the other person is interested, so much like situations in parties and clubs, etc. No beating around the bush, no BS.
    I have a friend who's been going out with his boyfriend for more than almost three years now. They met at a club. I've always thought that people who go out and meet people in clubs and bars are just out there to have a good time, and I've never been a good time kind of girl. Because of my traditional (prude-ish) upbringing, I don't ever have the good-time guy mentality. I always think that somebody is a potential.
    I read a book when I was 18, entitled "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Josh something. He talked about how dating purely for the "right now" aspect of it is a waste of time when that time can be spent doing more important stuff like preparing for your future or serving God (ironically enough, last I heard, I think this Josh person because an actual server of God). And honesty, as hard as I try, I can't get that idea out of my head. It makes sense, but at the same time, it stops me from living as a young adult and having fun. But I guess, there are other ways that I can have fun right?
    As far back as I can remember, I've had people tell me on numerous occasions that so-and-so liked (yes, past tense) me. And whenever I ask them how come I never heard about it or he didn't say anything, the answer is always (no fail) "..because you're pretty intimidating." Ouch?
    I don't even know how I give off the intimidating vibe. I get EXTREMELY shy, I get the "I'm too plainjane" mood sometimes. But intimidating? ..well, I guess MAYBE it's because I wait for the other person to talk to me first.. because I'm SHY. But then again, maybe my go-to attitude is snarky sometimes.
    It's the new year and I'd really like to learn and get my foot in the dating door. I don't plan on being a serial dater, I just want to learn the ropes in the hopes that maybe when I come across a guy that's worthy of my dorky ways, I know what to do and what NOT to do.

Here's To Surviving The New Year.

    I'm sure everyone's scrambling around trying to make a list or accomplish their New Year's Resolution. The gym's probably going to be packed, or the membership sales are going to skyrocket in the next week or two. The streets will be filled by gasping-for-breath amateur runners with their newly purchased running gear. Of if you're me, you started a crazy online project/resolution that will most likely feel like a job after a few months.. maybe even two weeks.
    But whatever you guys are doing today, be it sleeping the day away, catching up on your life, or starting new ones.. have a safe and happy first day of the rest of the year!!

"..we only have one life to live, let's roll the dice."

1st Blog of 2011

    I really want to be a serious blogger, but as always, I have all these ideas running all over the place. Let's see if I can manage to organize it right now.

itsmy365.tumblr.com
..365 photos of my daily life
..365 movies to watch
..365 letters

thenameisjaja.tumblr.com
..all the stuff that interests me and catches my eye

mymarriedfriends.tumblr.com
..all the noteworthy arguments/conversations my married friends have

lightscamerawrite.tumblr.com
..a creative writing outlet for me

iamjajadevicais.blogspot.com
..a serious blog i would want to maintain (of my comments, suggestions, and violent reactions.. etc.)
..will include my 1 book a week project

jajacooks.blogspot.com
..will try to learn one dish a month (that's 12 for 2011!)

Follow me on Twitter: iamjajadevicais

I also have Blogtv/AIM/Skype/Oovoo (message me)

    I think that that's all for now.. my eye is itchy. I hope that I can keep up with this.. and I hope you guys can help me! Oh, and I hope everyone had an awesome start to the new year.. God bless y'all!

xoxo, jd

One Last Hurrah.

    Tomorrow is my last chance to redeem what little time I have left for the rest of the year. One day. One last day of redemption. This is my to-do list for tomorrow:

..write a year-end blog
..catch up on uploading my albums
..get around to making my "barkada"  gifts
..get my resolutions together
..do some #reverb10s
..make a 2011 bucketlist
..organize my 365s.
..aside from stopping by at work and going to the mall with kc of course.
..sign off on 2010 and welcome 2011 with open arms and a huge smile.

Surprise Surprise

    Some things still never fail to surprise me. Can I get this life over and done with? It's too.. surprising to speak of it out loud.

#reverb10

I am a coward.


I have a friend who is currently participating on a #reverb10 project. If you don't know what it is, screw that, look it up yourself. But anyway, I looked into it and I really want to participate. But did I mention I'm a coward? Looking at the prompts, I know I'm going to have to "dig deep" seeing as it seems like it's going to be emotionally tedious.

For the past year, I have learned (and have apparently become really good at) skimming on the surface of emotion. I'm not sure if I want to go through that exploration and bravery and shiznits. But the new year is around the corner and I want to try and leave baggage behind.

It's not even a question of "Should I do it?" It's more of.. can I?

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Jaja and I'm a coward.

Things To Do.

I haven't been my usual Miss Things-to-Do-List lately. But I do need a major overhaul. With the new year coming up, I need to declutter my life. One project I wanna start though is this #reverb10 I've been seeing at my friend's blog/tweets. I was curious so I looked it up. I'll MAYBE start tomorrow. I'm kinda sleepy already. :D