Inception: According to Jaja

If you've been under a rock lately, then you must not know that Inception is the most talked about movie this summer. Mind-boggling, mind-blowing, confusing, amazing, awesome, I don't get it.. just some words that were used to describe the movie. I'd go into a synopsis mode but I really want people to just go and find out for themselves. Anyway, the whole thing clicked in my mind days after I saw it. And I really wanted to go out and talk someone's ear off about my realizations, or epiphany. Haha. And I thought it was decent enough that I want to post it here.. so, here goes:

Janis Devicais to Kate.e.Schultz

so i saw inception, right? okay, glad we got that part right. haha.

anyhoo, here is the basic premise:

leo dicaprio (cobb?) is the extractor, joseph gordon levitt (arthur?) is the architect, ellen page (sp?) (ariadne) is another architect i guess, and then there's the chemist guy (the one who made that chemical that made then sleep deeper or something), and the other guy, i think he's called the forger coz he becomes someone else in the movie, and then the chinese(??) guy saito.

- the dreamer is where they house the situation, i guess, and that is where the architect builds the.. well, whatever it is. (see how i think this is better if i just told you in person? it can get confusing coz i feel like im rambling here.) and then of course you know about the target and he fills up the dream with projections of people or situations, whatever.

- i learned in a sociology class that when we dream, it is an overflow of our subconscious. everything in our dream is something that we have already laid eyes on in real life. so if for example you're in a dream where you think you may not know the place, the elements of the dream are random stuff you've "experienced" already.. the fire hydrant, a random person walking the street, a garbage can, a roof, wall paint, etc. (it was easy for me to understand the projections part of the movie because of what i learned in sociology class haha!)

- you can tell who's dream a particular level by who's staying awake. in the rain dream, that indian/arab/asian (im so bad at profiling haha) had to stay away because it was his dream. the hotel scene was gordon-levitt coz he was the one dreaming it, and im not sure if the snow scene was the target's or the forger's dream. anyhoo....

- they have totems right? i think (from what i understand) the totems are used so that they can tell if they're still dreaming or already back to reality. you have to design your own totem so that you are the only one familiar with it's elements, i guess so that there's a personal connection.. i never really understood why you're not allowed to touch someone else's. anyhoo, i think the totem's purpose is how it's used. i guess the mentality is that for example, leo's totem. he'd spin it and if it topples over then he's in the real world. because in a dream, he can will it to keep spinning and it will keep spinning. just like the scene where the forger "dreamed" of a bigger gun to shoot the bad guy on the roof. and ariadne's totem is supposed to topple over if she wills it in her dream, because in real life, she would not be able to. or is it if she topples it over it'll go back.. or something like that. you get the idea, right? i hope so.. i hope i'm not confusing you already..

- the timeline of the dreams are exponential,, three seconds in real life is 9 minutes in the first dream, 81 hours in the second dream.. iono if i did the calculations right, but i think it's pretty much like that..

okay, so here's my interpretation of the ending and whatnot.. (iono why i even enumerated those above.. i guess coz i figured it out too, or understood it.. whatever.. haha!)

- so the ending is pretty much leo finally sees his kids right? and then he spins his totem and walks away. so the audience is left thinking whether the totem stops spinning or not. and of course, i didn't want to commit to a conclusion. i didn't commit because i thought that that would separate the positive thinkers from the cynics. (i just don't know which one would be which).

- ooh quick trivia,, did u know that when it's reality cobb is wearing his wedding ring, and during the dreams he's not? that.. or is it the other way around? i don't remember.. haha!

- anyhoo.. there's this phrase i always use when debating with people: [blank] is relative. for example,, height is relative, craziness is relative, beauty is relative. you know what i mean, right? like height is relative to what you're comparing something with. i can say you're tall, but you're only taller compared to everyone who's shorter than you obviously.. does that make sense? when people say i'm  crazy, i say.. craziness is relative.. i'm only crazier than the rest of people you've met, otherwise you'll say "you're as crazy as" or "not as crazy as".. does that make sense really? i REALLY hope so. or when people who are skinnier than me say that they're fat. then i say if you're fat, i must be a whale. coz fatness would be relative to whatever or whoever her idea of skinnyness(is that even a word??) DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?? ugh, i feel like im confusing you even more.. bear with me.. or just pardon my ramblings.. haha!

- now, last sunday (i promise this is related to the movie), i had my friend owen fix my computer at his house. my roommates were there, plus danny. my computer stuff wasnt done yet but everyone else wanted to leave. i didnt drive to the house so i had two choices: sleep over owen's house and have his fiancee drive me home very early the next day.. or ask danny to give me a ride home. i asked danny and he said fine, nbd. when we were driving home, i didnt want to sit on the front passenger seat of his car.. just because. you know.. hehehe.. but he insisted so i'm like, fine. but i wouldnt look around his car, i only stared outside the window.. even though we were talking. because i did not want to see the new stuff in danny's car. places in his car where my stuff used to me.. ignorance is bliss, you know? haha. he dropped me off, walked me inside the apartment, whatever. when he was walking out, he saw me through my bedroom window and he decided to scare me. i opened the window to yell at him (after screaming like a mad woman of course) and then we ended up talking for maybe an hour or two. i was sitting on my bed, then he was outside standing and leaning on my window sill. we had so much fun, we were joking around, and laughing and doing stupid stuff (like walking down as if if you're on an escalator, whatever.. haha.) like old friends. and then when he decided to leave, i told him: you know the drill, right? let me know when you get home so i know you got home safe. he said: call or text? i said: call, because i don't want you to waste your text messages on me. (he only has 400 a month). so then he called. and we ended up talking some more, maybe almost an hour. about his graduation, life, whatever. and then we hung up and i went to bed. the next night, he messaged me on gchat (which is awesome btw. haha) but i was already asleep. so i woke up in the morning with a message that goes "something" like this: are you still awake? do you think that you and her (dont want to say her name) can be "friends" or at least be civil. no need to answer now, just something to think about. so that brought me back to reality. and then my phrase clicked. and in an inception-like manner, everything came flooding back to me.. reality and all that stuff, and my phrase ____ is relative, which led me to the conclusion. what if.. reality is relative.

- to bring it all in.. TA DAH!! what if reality is relative? what if our reality is what we make of it? in imdb, the kids of cobb were credited as two people, a younger and a slightly older boy and girl. what if, cobb spun his totem but didn't bother to find out if it would stop spinning or not because THIS IS THE REALITY he wants to accept. that he is back home with his kidsand he can see their faces. we do know that when these con artists were building the dreams, they're dreams, not memories. because they mentioned in the movie that you should never bring memories into dream.. or something like that. cobb didnt care to see if his totem will stop spinning or not because this is what he's been waiting for.. it could be the reality or a dream where he can construct again and made a dream with his kids on it (is that clear to you?).. because in the beginning he was also an architect but he could not construct because he brought mal's memory along with him. that is why he did not allow himself to see the maze the other architects were making so that mal would not know and sabotage their plans.. remember that part?

- in my personal experience.. i "thought" i am where i am with danny now.. i am at peace with where i am, and also happy with the fact that i did not lose a friend.. that the person that i once had as a bestfriend is still a friend to me (because i hate cutting people out of my life). and that's all there is to it. but i also choose to disassociate (is that even a word) myself with "him with her" with aspects like i dont want to see them together, photos in fb (i havent visited his site in months), comments, anything.. (get it?). because in my reality, i am at peace with who i am and who he is now.. without that other aspect of him. i am not disillusioned, i don't think so.. i just chose to accept a reality that will keep me from getting hurt again.. and to not associate myself with the reminder that i was "dumped" for danny to be with someone else. i know i always tell myself, that you cannot pick and choose aspects of a person's life.. that you have to accept everything about everyone.. but in this case my reality with danny is something that i built for myself.. because it is easier than a contant painful reminder of what happened to me.

(sidenote, i make it sound like what happened to me and him is a big deal,, because it kinda is.. he was my first love, heartbreak, everything, whatever may be. it's not even about him as a person but just the whole situation in general. so yeah.. haha.. but i'm soooo okay now..)

so people might say that i'm living in a dream world, or that i need to wake up and smell the coffee.. but in fact. this is my reality. =/

on a happier note.. that is why inception clicked to me and i was so proud. haha. i never thought i'd pull a life experience out my butt to be able to understand a movie.. but there goes.

OMG, this is soooo long.. i told you. i warned you. this is embarrassing. haha.

now, i really have to watch inception again. grr.. but i'd have to go with someone who doesnt mind a movie talker. so i can draw up conclusions and such.. hahahahahaha!!

inxs: this gave me a headache trying to put my thoughts to words.. everyone knows thinking is faster than talking.. or even typing. haha!

i hope this didnt give you more headaches.. just a clearer understanding.. well, at the very least it didnt confuse you more..

ttfn!

....and cut.

That was my whole epiphany thing. I hope it doesn't get me too confused when I reread this in the future. And with that in mind, I can't wait for it to come out in DVD.

ThinkCrap

How is it that I wake up this morning and already I'm stressing out? And that was just (not even) an hour ago. I need to unclog my brain. Here goes:

• I have been having these dreams for the past few weeks. I never remember them when I wake up, but I always wake up feeling good.. as if I'm trying to remember a distant memory but I just can't quite put my finger on it. But I remember the feeling so well. And I wake up from these dreams and it bothers me soooo much. The general ideas of these dreams are: I like someone in the dream, someone likes me and wants to go out with me, someone was holding my hand, blah blah blah. And the weird part is that in my dreams, I know this person. I don't see his face, I don't say his name, I don't know what he looks like at all, nor does he speak much. But he's.. there.
• I have this crush. But I really don't want to say crush, because I feel like it's so.. highschool. I want to say I like this guy. But I'm not even sure If I like him like that like that. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. With these walls up, who knows? I've come to terms with the fact that I should just let it unfold and go with the flow. No questions. Besides, it's a weird situation, anyway.  I think I may have blogged about him before. Anyhoo, I've met him one time. I've seen him one time. I've had e-conversations with him a couple of times. From what I've seen (so far), he's sounds smart, I think he's funny (well, i think he has a dry sense of humor but it works), he's mature (aka older than me). He's just chill (I think). But I try to engage him in conversations, try to be friends with him, whatever. He just would not latch on. Obviously, that means Not Interested. Duh, Ja. I dare not ask him to hang out. I'm painfully shy around guys, for one thing. I've NEVER asked any guy out.. EVER. And in the spirit of Filipino cultures and traditions, I believe that a girl should wait for the guy to make the first move. Ligawan, or courtship, is a Filipino practice that I've missed when I was growing up in the Philippines because no one was really interested. And it's not like Filipinos here in America are all that aware of that practice. I think that is one practice that I might not get to experience *sigh*. And besides, I think there's rules against this type of thing. Oh crap, I forgot to mention my conflict. He's a friend's brother. Well I guess it's not really a conflict since I chose not to do anything about it. Story of my life. This friend asked me before on who this crush is that I've been tweeting about. It was this kid from ECC, but I had to hold back for half a sec and bite my tongue because I almost blurted out his brother's name. Haha. Besides, I'm not just gonna tell her "Oh yeah, by the way it's your brother." I'm such a paranoid person, that I think she might think that I'm only hanging out with her on the off-chance that she might tag her brother along again. (Sidenote: It's obviously not the case because I've pretty much thrown all hopes out the window. Nyaha,) Besides, I should leave all high hopes at the door. I'm done with expectations, and although I've never been in the dating scene, I don't think I want to partake in any of it. Don't think I'm brave enough, don't think I'm "experienced" enough. I prefer hanging out first before dating. Hah! That thought WOULD only make sense to me. I just want to stick by what I know: Friendship.. ONLY, never be bestfriends.
• There's one thing I'm really dreading: GRADUATION. Not mine, but someone else's. I'm not gonna delve into it too much because lately, I've been really good at suppressing my feelings that I've been feeling less broken. Anyhoo, here's the only thing I can say: I'm soooo happy that you're finally graduating. This is what you've been waiting for, and this is what I've been waiting for with you. I cannot be more proud of what you've accomplished becaue this is the apex of your life that you've been working so hard on. I'm just bitter of the fact that when you're thanking everyone, I'm not included. And on the slightest chance that you do, you're welcome. But it's too late.
• I need to declutter. And I mean DECLUTTER!! Books, DVDs, clothes, shoes, my computer, my files, my photos. MY LIFE!
• There's soooo many things to do, but so little time.. and so little money. And nobody to do it with. Haha.
• I have to start labelling and relabelling my posts. I've reformatted this blog a million times. Made some other "themed blogs" on here and on Tumblr. But nothing is working out. I need to take out some blogs. That or condense them. Grr.
• I'm hungry. I'm gonna eat breakfast.

Awesome Possum Weekend

Aside from last weekend's game night on Friday, my weekend was pretty much a waste of my time. Nothing to do and all that crap. But I promised myself that I will make this weekend, and the rest of the days to come, be a better and more productive one. Thanks to my awesome friends, this weekend was one of my more accomplished weekends.

Thursday: After working, Andrea and Chad scooped me up and we went on a random trip to Dairy Queen and they each took their turn in karaoke at JB's Then Chad took us ladies home and Andrea and I hung out and spent the rest of the night watching the Old Spice response videos.

Friday: "Chandrea" invited me to come along with their trip to Chicago and we we're hooked up with a tour in the Chicago field office of the Bureau, that's FBI to you. Haha! And then we went to grab something to eat in Argyle street, which I was told was the new Chinatown.. but I like Chinatown better. After fighting our way through traffic, we were almost home. But Chandrea would not be able to make it to the show they're watching at 8p in Schaumburg if they have to drop me off back at my apartment. So Andrea, on a whim, decided to buy me a ticket to see the show they're watching! I love you Andrea!!!! We went to go see Tony Rocky perform in Improv, a comedy club in Woodfield Mall. After that, dinner at Uno Pizzeria. Seriously, I felt like they took me out on a date. And I didn't even find out until past midnight that it was Chandrea's fifth year anniversary!!!! I feel kinda intrusive and yet at the same time honored that they included me in their plans. I seriously love you guys, you are both too sweet. And kudos to Chad for enduring my racist jokes. Haha.

Saturday: Today was a lazy day but it was acceptable considering everyone in the house had a busy couple of days. My roomies and their cousins went swimming while Andrea and I watched Shaun of the Dead as soon as Chad came over. After that, I just went to go about doing my errands and then KC and I went to the mall for some chill time. It was fun because KC never gets alone time and it was nice to take our time browsing up and down the aisles without worrying about the kids, maneuvering the double stroller, yelling STOP and whatnot. It was fun, it was just girlfriend time and it was nice. And then I drove her to her mom's house so she can study for a little bit, so I just read my new book while watching cable TV. Then we're home. :D

Let's see what Sunday has in store for me. Hopefully, something fun and exciting. Something I can look back to when my busy week comes. No drama, no unnecessary people, no nothing. Out with drama. In with the good life.

Jaja

Twitter Guilt

Confession: Oh, how I feel so guilty!
I've neglected my primo blog because I've been nose-deep in the Twitterworld, tweeting about every food I eat, every errand I do, every little that crosses my mind. I still love blogging more than anything. I promise that I will blog more regularly. I will give myself specific days to blog.

Confession: I starter another blog. (At this rate, I should just start my own magazine. Ooh, a webzine.)

Fact: I have __ blogs.

[blogspot]
I Am: For my pour-your-heart-outs, sweet-nothings, and everything else in between. A.K.A., my main blog.
My Married Friends: I thought it'd be hilarious to compile my friends' arguments and whatnot.
Jaja Is Cooking: I want to learn how to cook, and this was my Julie/Julia version of it. I just don't have time anymore though.

[tumblr]
Overflow: I find a lot of things over the internet, and this is were I put it. That and the fact that nobody knows me in here, only a handful, and anonymity has its powers.
Welcome To The Good Life: This is my new blog. I am taking my life back. I already made a list of the areas that I need to take reign of. This is my "serious" tumblr blog.

[facebook]
(well, it doesn't really have a title): This is when I want to make a statement, basically. Apparently, quite a handful of people follow my notes in facebook. Much surprised, and greatly appreciated.

Fact: When I have the time, and the money, I will have that webzine. :D

Pride!

Oon my way to the chicago gay pride parade 2010.  

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.Dr. Seuss

It was raining cats and dogs this morning.. and super dark too. And then the sun decided to come out. (pun DEFINITELY intended).

Have a nice day!!

Angels?

Yesterday was a good day for me that I feel like I need to blog about it.

I tweeted this yesterday morning:

smiling and hoping that today will be a good day! :D10:13 AM Jun 24th via web from Elgin, IL
1.) My good friend Joyce messaged me something in FB that made me smile. Can't tell you guys what it's about. But it indeed made me smile! :D
2.) I was ringing up this mother-daughter customer at work and they both complimented me on my nails because they love the color purple. I giggled like a little girl on the inside. But I did say thank you! :D
3.) This middle-aged guy was waiting for something by the Parts window, next to my window (cashier), and he was bored so he started talking to me. A few minutes into the conversation, he complimented me on my tan and how it's really nice and that I have a "glowing tan". I thought I was getting too dark, what with swimming pretty much every other day. But the man complimenting me made me think, "Hey, maybe it's not that bad."
Yesterday also marked one week of my friend's passing. I know he's much happier now. :D
I know it's you, Nick. You still managed to make my day.. through other people. :D

The Clouds Are Amazing Today!

A really good friend passed away today. I've only known him maybe for a couple of years, but we became good friends late last year. He cheered me up and listen to me whine and complain and rant and vent when I was at such a low point. Random invitation to hang out with people at JB's, the local karaoke bar, even though I don't sing.. and neither did he. His Captain & Coke and whatever I have a taste for that night.He would randomly invite me to hang out at Steak 'n Shake in the middle of the night, throw frisbees and footballs in front of a 24hours gym. Cravings for eggrolls and bubble tea were satisfied with random trips to Chinatown.. yes in the middle of the night. He'd always pay too. Thanks for letting me mooch, kid.

It was so unexpected, he was so young. He's going to school AND just started a new job in the city. We made plans to go to Chinatown after he gets his paycheck.. and he was gonna cook french toast for me and some friends. Apparently he's really awesome with french toast, or so he said.

Yes, he can be annoying at times. But what twentysomething boy is not?

It was just too close to home, you know? First it was that celebrity, that person that a friend knows, a neighbor, an acquaintance. But a friend? It was in my own fence. It was a person I laughed with, joked around with, shared stories with, shared a hug with.

His passing taught me an age old lesson, I should've learned a long time ago. Tell the people you love that you love them before it's too late.

Him: Hey Jay (he'd call me vajanis, then vajayjay)
Me: Waza??
Him: love you.
Me: It always amuses me how easily you throw those three words around.. why?
Him: Nevermind.

And now he gave me the answer. Every night, he'd text a bunch of people, "What's going on tonight?" Half the time I blow him off because I'm too tired to hang out, or even to talk. Sometimes, I'd think, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to [insert plans here]." Just last Friday, he invited me over for a bonfire. All I told him was, "How are you throwing a bonfire when half the people are in Relay? Besides, I need to go home and sleep 'coz I have work in the morning. Plus, my ride's here." His reply? "You should've told me, I could've just given you a ride." And my thought process was, we're gonna go to Chinatown anyway, let's just wait. But I guess there's no chance for that now.

Study harder.
Dream bigger.
Talk nicer.
Laugh louder.
Smile sweeter.
Stand prouder.
Walk straighter.
Run faster.
Jump farther.
Fly higher.
Live fuller.
Love deeper.
Shine brighter.
..and most importantly, speak up like it's your last minute on Earth. Tell the people you love how important they are to you. How much they've affected your life, and how much you appreciate them in your life. And don't forget to thank them for letting you become a part of theirs.

Because you never know when God is going to call you home. And when that happens, you should've lived your life the way God intended for you to. With deep relationships, and deeper meaning.

When you were born, you cried, and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.

Thanks for the memories, kid.
You're right, the clouds are amazing today.

Playgrounds.

I wish I was still in kindergarten. The biggest drama in your life is trying to find out who stole your crayon. The ultimate surprise is opening your lunch box and your mommy packing you an extra cookie. The security that, like clockwork, you know when  it's time for recess, for nap, or for mommy or daddy to pick you up.

Growing up is taking it's ultimate toll on me. And I'm 25. You might think that I should've grown up years ago. My rebuttal is that I will always be a kid at heart, and I can't force myself to grow up. There is nothing at the finish line but death, so why not enjoy life while you can right?

But this past year and a half, I was thrown every lemon, and every rock, and every bread people can find. I also jumped over and stumbled over every hurdle that I ran into. And yet, I took it with faith that everything will be okay. Because if there is one thing that I have always felt sure of, it was clockwork. Court. Probation. Work. Payday. Off days. Hanging out with friends. Everything operates in clockwork. I have a planner, a calendar, a to-do-list, an alarm for every event. I can always count on things to happen. Relationships also operate like clockwork for me. But it seems that I can't hold on to a relationship long enough. Bestfriends, friends, family, relatives. All relationships that if not cracked, are already broken. But as long as I see that everyone else around me is okay, then I will be okay.

Let me tell you about my playground. I've never had a constant group of friends. But a year-ish ago, I found it. A mature enough yet fun enough group of people that each had their own personality.. and we all just meshed together. Every weekend, like clockwork, we hang out, we have our Sunday family dinners, we watch movies. Anything goes. Girls plan the evening while our beloved Wolf Pack work out and boost and challenge each other's ego. And since I have no family here, this is my family. And whoever messes with my family, gets it. I'm serious. These group of people is the most important people in my life right now. They have helped me beyond words. From breakups to losing jobs to cars breaking down to being penniless and no place to stay. They don't know it but they are the family that I don't have right now. We took care of each other and got each others' backs like we were all brothers and sisters. The seven of us ruled this playground.

Sure things change, but to me change means "more or less of what is already there." Change is not the disappearance of an emotion, of laughter, of a friend. Of family. And I'm sorry to be cliche but this is my Ohana right here. And to quote Lilo, "Ohana means family. Family means no one gets left behind."

But it seems that I gave more importance to these playmates than the rest of the team. I am holding them in the palm of my hand cherishing every experience I go through with them. But they're all ready to move on. And I'm stuck here. Alone. As always.

But what happens when something gets thrown off schedule or was cancelled, you ask. I say, if it does not work for me, as long as I can see it work for others, I have hope. I have faith. And what if those things around me that gives me hope.. fails? That when I start losing hope. That's when I start faltering. That's when I wish there is something else, somebody else, that will hold my hand, rub my back, and put me for a nap, telling me in a hushed voice, that everything will be okay when you wake up. Like in kindergarten.

But it's not. It never will be. Growing up sucks.

ThinkCrap.

I can't believe I haven't blogged in a month! You can just imagine how much crap I have going on inside my brain. Grr. I've been having ups and downs of my days. I'll update soon enough. Don't worry, I'm still alive.

The Name Game

My heart still breaks everytime I hear your name.
And I would rather have that.
Than to never hear your name again.

My love forever.

Kung Ako Nalang Sana. ♥

Heto ka na naman kumakatok sa'king pintuan
Muling naghahanap ng makakausap
At heto naman ako nakikinig sa mga kwento mong paulit-ulit lang
Nagtitiis kahit nasasaktan

Ewan ko bakit ba hindi ka pa nadadala
Hindi ba't kailan lang nang ika'y iwanan nya
At ewan ko nga sa'yo parang balewala ang puso ko
Ano nga bang meron siya na sa akin ay 'di mo makita

Chorus:
Kung ako na lang sana ang 'yong minahal
'Di ka na muling mag-iisa
Kung ako na lang sana ang 'yong minahal
'Di ka na muling luluha pa
'Di ka na mangangailangan pang humanap ng iba
Narito ang puso ko naghihintay lamang sa'yo

Heto pa rin ako, umaasang ang puso mo
Baka sakali pang ito'y magbago
Narito lang ako kasama mo buong buhay mo
Ang kulang na lang mahalin mo rin akong lubusan

Kung ako na lang sana ang yong minahal
Di ka na muling mag-iisa
Kung ako na lang sana ang yong minahal
Di ka na muling luluha pa
Di ka na mangangailangan pang humanap ng iba
Narito ang puso ko naghihintay lamang sayo
Kung ako na lang sana...

Oooo...
Kung ako na lang sana ang yong minahal
Di ka na muling mag-iisa
Kung ako na lang sana ang yong minahal
Di ka na muling luluha pa
Di ka na mangangailangan pang humanap ng iba
Narito ang puso ko naghihintay lamang sayo
Kung ako na lang sana...

(what a way to start my night. all i want, more than ever, is to be in the arms of the person that i gave my heart to. the heart wants what the heart wants, and needs.)

No Holds Barred. Uncensored.

Part I

It's been 189 days since I stopped being his and he stopped being mine. Actually, he's still in my heart. He will always have the biggest part of me. Just thinking and feeling all these is so overwhelming that I think I'm going to cry. It's been half a year since my heart broke, and though my heart is still in pieces, it surprises me that I can still love him like this as if it was the first time I realized I loved him.. with all the pieces of my heart. Each day feels like a month, a month a year.. and I feel like I've been trudging on deep waters in slow motion for forever. It's still hard for me to breathe. It's still hard for me to smile. It's still hard for me to listen to songs. And the funny thing is, I started classifying songs as pre-Janis and post-Janis. And either way I look at it, it's hard to listen to them.

He was the best thing that happened to me and I know that I, him. The life we shared together was something I never imagined I can ever deserve. But I know that God made him a part of my life for a reason. Like what I have always said, "I must have done something right.."

Cliche as it may sound, I love him so much it hurts. Whenever he comes around, I am always so thankful and happy and appreciative. I take in every part of him. Because God only knows when the next time I will see his  beautiful smile again.

I would look at him and he is still the Danny that I know and love. He is still the man that loved me for who I am and loved my family even more, expecially, when I didn't know how. The simple things like, handing him a plate, or serving him dinner, or throwing a blanket over him when he falls asleep on the couch or the floor. To this he would say, "You still take care of me." And punctuate it with that musing smile. Little things like that still make my heart swell with pride. For I never really asked a lot from him. Just his loving, caring, sweet nature that is Danny.

A hug that I have not felt in such a long time, I thought that I'd have forgotten what that felt like. But I remembered, he made me remember. As he offered me a hug from out of nowhere, all these emotions came flooding back and I remember. I remember everything. And like a Lego piece, I still fit in that niche as if I still belonged there.

In God's time, and in God's will.

I love you.