so....uh.... where did my blog go?

11/365 do you think crying is a sign of weakness or strength?

i don't think crying is a sign of weakness. people say crying means that you are strong enough to let whatever that hurts or bothers you go, that maybe crying is a strength because you are strong enough to admit that you can be weak sometimes. for me, crying means that there are things that bother me but it hurts so much that there are no other words to express how it means to me. unless of course you're a crybaby.

10/365 what can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?

a year ago, i would not have had this much patience when it comes to children. other people's children, other children that i know, my own siblings. i would not have tolerated all the whining and rowdiness, mess, and everything in between

9/365

i'm really conservative and shy when it comes to my attitude towards romantic relationships. i was raised in a conservative roman catholic family. i believe that men should be the ones to pursue women. not only should they be pursue, i think that women should be courted and wooed. don't get me wrong, i may have some feministic tendencies at the same time, i believe in equality and fairness between the two sexes. but romantically speaking, i'm all for being wooed, you know?

8/365

i love my sisters, and i love my family. and it took me a while to really appreciate them. so now that i'm back to being close to them, i am trying to be a good daughter and i'm trying to be a good person, someone that my sisters can be proud of and that they'll look up to.

7/365 do you ask enough questions or do you settle for what you know?

i've been told i ask a lot of questions. haha. but when i can sense that the other party don't want to divulge anymore, or i know that they're bullshitting me, or they're straight up lying, i stop. don't need to waste my time with that.

6/365 what do you wish you spent more time doing five years ago?

i know we're not suppose to regret the things we've done, but i have to admit there are quite a few things i regret doing. five years ago, i wish that i focused more on school, improving my skills, and being a better me, instead of partying, hanging out with friends, and spending money.

5/365 what life lesson did you learn the hard way?

there's not just one lesson that i learned the hard way. but something pretty recent happened to me that up until now, what i did still gives me a guilt trip.. and it still shames me everytime i think about it. i i became really close friends with this person, but i became selfish and all i did was take and take in the relationship. after all the harsh words that's been said, i was "forgiven". but i can still hear the disappointment in his voice and in the tone of his letter, that i am just so ashamed of how i acted. all i wanted was a best friend, and because all i can think about is myself, i now have none.

4/365 what gets you excited about life?

the idea of travelling. i have not done a lot of travelling in my life, and i really would wanna start soon. but whenever i hear stories, see pictures, watch movies of travelling and roadtrips and adventures, i get really excited. i get to experience somebody else's life while hoping someday i do the same.

3/365 what's the most sensible thing you've ever heard someone say?

i've received a lot of solicited and unsolicited advice over the years. but the one that would come back to haunt me constantly, are probably the 4 simplest words i'll ever hear: "it's okay. who cares."  it's given me a lot of confidence, whenever i'm reminded of these words. i've slowly stopped being self-conscious of my actions and my thoughts about myself. 

2/365 who do you sometimes compare yourself to?

let's face it, everyone has their insecurities, some show it more than others. sometimes, i compare myself to a lot of people. i compare myself to my friends and wish i am where they are now. here and there, i compare myself to my ex boyfriend, because who doesn't want to come out on the winning end of a break-up, right? i compare myself to people my age to gauge how good or bad the things i've done with and in my life. i compare myself to my sister, because we went through the same things in our childhood and yet our lives have become so different and apart. and lastly, i compare my present self to my past self, because who i am now, is not who my past self have wanted me to be. i guess this means i am my own worst enemy.

1/365 when was the last time you tried something new?

sometime in march, before i made my big move from illinois to california, i got my first tattoo! it's a script of the words "defy gravity" on my right wrist. i've always wanted to get a tattoo, but i knew i had to think long and hard about it, like what it would mean to me, what's the significance of when and why i'm getting one. i've had such a good life in illinois that i knew that at the back of my mind, it's not the right thing to move. but here i am now, just crossing my fingers and trying to "defy gravity".

More Dreams

So I had another dream last night. This was actually extra weird, but I kinda like it. Haha. Since I don't remember most of it anymore, all I know is that I'm going out with John Dorian (not Zach Braff, but John Dorian), and we went on a vacation somewhere and the gas stove randomly switched on and an evil spirit was trying to burn the house down while we're in it. Then we all tried to rush home, so we jumped in the car and drove off. But the evil spirit would make a car appear in front of us and we'd rear-end the car. Some other things happened in between, but that's pretty much the end of it. Maybe too much Scrubs? Haha

Reinvent

Every now and then, I'm faced with a blogging dilemma. To reformat my blog or not. I guess it has a little bit something to do with my attention span. I always want to blog about something specific, to gain more audience, but I somehow end up personalizing most of my blogs. And I feel stronger about more personal entries more than anything. But then again, sometimes I feel that being too personal on my blogs might be too much. Too much information, too much of an overshare, and it might come back and haunt me in the future. So I don't know, I really don't. I gotta think about it some more.

Dream On

I've been waking up really tired the last few days, if that even makes sense. I've been having really tiring dreams. Usually it involves running and chasing, well, being chased. 

I need to keep a notebook next to me so I can write down my dreams. I don't have recurring dreams. But I have recurring themes. Like, I'd run or fly or jump a certain way with a certain feeling. And now that I think about it, half the time I'm usually being chased. The other times, I'm meeting "a love of my life" and there's never a face.

Well anyway, since I woke up barely 10 minutes ago, I figure I'd try to decode my dream.

My dream is already starting to get skewed because I spent some time trying to find the meanings of the symbolism of my dream. The story, basically, is that I was attending my high school reunion and I was with my friend Iciang, and I happened to look across the gymnasium and saw an old classmate Dlan. I kept pointing him out to Iciang because she couldn't see him and after a few minutes, Dlan walked up to us. Then we all went out to somewhere, I think to eat, but I'm not sure anymore. Then suddenly, I was being chased by  this big fat dirty slob man with a revolver, because I was chasing a little girl in a white girly dress. She was using a rope to scale walls and trees, while I was climbing the shit out of them. At one point I ended up in somebody's living room and the guy was still on my tail. I was circling the living room, then I saw a fluttering curtain which meant an open window. I ran to that side of the room and parted the curtain to see a window that swivels in the middle, but I still manage to slide out. The guy was still shooting at me and at this point I managed to lose the girl. I found myself in the middle of this tree farm and the bad guy had a group of 2 guys and one lady and they were chasing me. I ended up running towards the opposite way of where the girl was supposed to be.When I realized it, I started climbing trees and jumping from one to another to find her. I finally go to her then I told her to give me the rope and I tied one end on her waist and the other on mine, so I don't lose her again. The guy caught up to us but he managed to lose his revolver and I ended up catching it. First I threatened to shoot him, and when he won't stop charging at us, I aimed the gun at his fat thigh and shot him, but the revolver was empty. Then I don't know how but I found gardening scissors and I threw one to the little girl and we were trying to stab the guy.... AND THEN I WOKE UP.

Revolver 
To see a revolver in your dream symbolizes lingering danger. It also represents fear, anger, aggression, and your quick temper. You are using your power to protect yourself against the fear and anger.

Palm Tree 
To see a palm tree in your dream represents tranquility, high aspirations, fame, victory, hopes, and longevity. It also symbolizes paradise and leisure. Perhaps you need to take time for a vacation and relaxation.

Climb 

To dream that you are climbing up something (ladder, rope, etc.) signifies that you are trying to or you have overcome a great struggle. It also suggests that your goals are finally within reach. Climbing also means that you have risen to a level of prominence within the social or economic sphere.

To dream that you are climbing down something indicates that you need to acknowledge and take notice of your subconscious. You are expressing some hesitance and reservation with delving into your more negative feelings. Alternatively, it suggests that you may be feeling low or emotionally drained.

Girls 

To see a girl in your dream represents your playful, innocent, and childlike nature. Perhaps you are behaving immaturely in some situation. Alternatively, a girl represents the feminine qualities of your character.

Ropes 

To see a rope in your dream represents your connection and attachment to others. It is symbolic of what is holding your relationship together. Alternatively, a rope signifies bondage, restriction and captivity.

Chase 

To dream that you are being chased signifies that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable. It is a metaphor for some form of insecurity. In particular, to dream that you are chased by an animal represents your own unexpressed and unacknowledged anger which is being projected onto that animal. Alternatively, you may be running away from a primal urge or fear.

To dream that you are chasing someone signifies that you are attempting to overcome a difficult goal or task. You may also be expressing some aggressive feelings toward others.

Trees 

To see lush green trees in your dream symbolize new hopes, growth, desires, knowledge, and life. It also implies strength, protection and stability. You are concentrating on your own self-development and individuation.

To dream that you are climbing a tree signifies achievement of your career goals and attainment of higher positions in life. The speed at which you climb the tree will parallel the speed of your achievement of these goals.

Scissors

To dream that you are using scissors denotes decisiveness and control in your waking life. You need to get rid of something in your life. It also represents your ability to cut things or people out of your life. Perhaps you are being snippy about some situation.

To see a pair of scissors in your dream indicates that your focus is being divided into too many directions.

Curtain 

To see or dream that you are shutting the curtains signify secrecy and a repression of thoughts. You are concealing some personal matter or some aspect of yourself. On the other hand, to dream that you are opening the curtains indicates that you are ready to reveal something hidden about yourself.

Window 

To see a window in your dream signifies bright hopes, vast possibilities and insight.To dream that you are entering or exiting through a window suggests that you are involved in some secretive or underhanded activity. Alternatively, the dream means that you are creating your own opportunities. You make things happen instead of waiting for them to happen.

If you fall or are push through a window in your dream, then it means that you are unwillingly going along with a plan. Perhaps you feel pressured into doing something that you really do not want to do. Your own vision is in conflict with someone else's.

To see shut windows in your dream signify desertion and abandonment.

Living Room 

To dream that you are in the living room represents the image that you portray to others and the way which you go about your life. It is representative of your basic beliefs about yourself and who you are. Alternatively, the living room is indicative of your freedom and space. The living room is a symbolic boundary between your personal self and your public self. Objects that do not belong in the living room denote the various aspects of your life that are invading your personal space.

Reunion 

To dream that you are attending a reunion suggests that there are feelings from the past which you need to acknowledge and recognize. Or perhaps the dream is highlighting how you have already incorporated the certain aspects or qualities of the people in your dream reunion. 

Gymnasium 

To dream that you are in a gymnasium indicates that you need to apply what you learned and incorporate it into your daily life. Alternatively, the gym may be telling you that you need to get more exercise.

Of course, to me personally, this makes a whole lot of sense. The everybody else, they just got a glimpse of a part of me.. or the biggest part of me. I don't know but I'm tired.

Let's Get Personal

I just finished watching The Rebound (Catherine Zeta-Jones, Justin Bartha) and I actually like it. [SPOILER ALERT] The premise of the story is that 40 year old Sandy (Zeta-Jones), was living a perfectly normal suburban life when she caught her husband cheating so they got divorced and she and her two kids moved to the city. She met Aram (Bartha), a 25 year old barista working below her apartment. She hires him as a babysitter, he asks him out, they dated blah blah blah. Eventually things didn’t work out because of a pregnancy scare and they went to live their own lives. She went to become a sports news anchor and he traveled the world. After five years, they bumped into each other in a restaurant, and lo and behold, he’s thirty now, more mature, and they got back together. The End.

I know, I usually just post something touristy or travel-related, but I think I want to share this one.

2 Things:

• Sandy left the life she knew and went to start over and create a life for herself and her family in the city. I wish that I had the courage and the strength to do that. Granted I’m only 27 and single, no kids. But that’s just that. I’m 27 and yet I’m so scared of change and starting over. 19 years in the Philippines, 6 in Chicago, and now I’m starting over (yet again) in another place. I feel everybody is moving forward and I can’t seem to get my bearings. Just when I thought I was finally going to make it, I have to pack all my bags and move. I left a lot of baggage in Illinois. No, I didn’t fix it, I ran away from it. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel complete. Sandy had the strength to start over, even with her love life. It’s been 2 and a half years, and I’m still single. No attempt to put my self out there on my part either. After getting out of a 3 year serious relationship (also my first), I’m just too scared to start over, to trust again, to let my wall down and let people in. I actually missed having a best friend. I started having a best friend again but I’m so “messed up in the head” I actually managed to push him out of my life. But that’s a different blog, different day. So anyway, is there still a stigma to dating younger men? I mean, not that I’m looking at younger men right now. Haha. I mean, if I keep up at this pace, I’m going to end up 30+ and still single. To my friends’ amusement, they all say I’m a cougar, even though I’ve barely moved from where I was standing 2 years ago. Alone. But honestly, I’m so scared of being single and being alone, and unloved, when I get older. I have blogs, and hobbies, and all that stuff to keep me company, but to what extent though? I need to be brave, to be more adventurous, I just wish I have that inner drive that I lost somewhere along the way.
• Aram, after the break up, decided to travel the world, per Sandy’s suggestion that he’s still so young and needed to get out there. He got hired to work a corporate desk job, couldn’t live with it, and jumped on the first flight out of the country. There he went places, met people, wrote on journals, worked, volunteered, you name it. I guess you can say that he found himself, because when he came back home, we was indeed a changed man. Are there other ways to find yourself, other than travelling? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I agree. I want, with my whole heart and soul, nothing more than to get out of my room and see the world. I want to visit touristy spots, learn languages, eat local cuisine, experience culture, meet people, hike and swim and climb and run, and of course take lots of pictures. Do people really find themselves when they travel? I long for it so bad. Whenever I see movies that are travel-themed (like Eat, Pray, Love), and have travel scenes (like The Rebound), my heart swells with pride. I mean, I also get that feeling when I’m driving, even just locally. There’s just something about the world and the freedom of driving that makes me feel alive. I couldn’t cut it as a girlfriend, I couldn’t cut it as a bestfriend either. I’ve changed so many jobs in my life time. What is it about me? Can I not stay put in one place and live one life? Or will I just coast along this life? I always feel like I’m running out of time. I feel like I’m chasing something but I don’t know what it else. Most times, I feel trapped in my life. That I want to explode out of my skin. I don’t know.

I guess that’s my poorly written, poorly edited blog entry for now. Pardon my dust.

Getting By

This that are making my days more bearable:

• Knitting
• Netflix
• Books
• Sims 3
• DVR'd shows

Other than that, life is the same. Plus how do you entertain a very energetic (who thinks she's smarter than you) 4 year old kid? Help.

Changes

So I guess blogger/blogspot is overhauling their look. This does not make me happy. Only because, I opened my account to an entirely different look. I almost panicked. I get that changes will happen, but I prefer it happens one step at a time, not everything at once. I don't want to lose my posts, and I have severe loyalty issues. I've had this blog since August 2008. I don't want to let go. So I need to muster all the strength to trudge along this new change. BLAH.

Bored

This boredom is killing me. I guess now I know. One month is all I need for slacking (or a vacation?). Now I'm getting really restless and irritable. I want to make money. I want to go out and make conversations with people in my generation. I want to get out of this house because it's starting to drive me crazy. I can only clean and blog and read and watch TV for so long. Life is walking past me. Everyone is getting ahead and I'm stuck. And yes, I want to make money. Because the sooner I can do that, then the sooner I can get my own car and my own place. I need to get out of here already. Yes, one month.

Chicago

I miss Chicago.

First off, I'm saying Chicago instead of Illinois because Apparently, to the rest of the world (or the US at least), nothing exists outside of Chicago (or Springfield). So everytime, I say I'm from Illinois, people ask "Where, Chicago?" and I got tired of explaining so I just say yes.

Anyway, I miss Chicago.

I miss good cheap coffee from Dunkin Donuts.
I miss the convenience of Popeye's from down the street.
I miss having people to go out dancing with.
I miss the big beautiful city that is, aherm, Chicago.
I miss Portillo's.
I miss my job, and my super-awesome co-workers.
I miss my shoes. And my dresses. And my books. And my sewing machine. And my printer.
I miss my roommates. Our loud conversations, our stupid jokes, our meals together.
I miss my friends. Our ability to be stupid together, and be awesome together. Our inside jokes, our experiences, our stories, our intertwined lives.
I miss my adopted family. Everyone that has treated me as part of their family.
I miss Chicago.

I'm happy to be with my sisters and my mom and the rest of my family and relatives. Is sunshine good for the soul? Because in the past month (ish) that I've been here, I haven't felt sad or miserable. Well, there was that one time that my sister said something mean and it made me cry, I just didn't tell her. But other than that, I have sisters who manage to make me smile. The way they knock on my door and ask for help, or they just barge in and rummage through my closet. Or when they run straight to my room when they come home from school and they tell me what happened during the day. I love it.

I love being part of a team here. But I also love how I tried (and struggled) to live on my own there. I miss my friends so much. But I'm also happy here, right now. I wish I can have both worlds with me. But for now, I'm just mowing forward in this journey.