Come Find Me

I don't know what is happening to me. I've been feeling really hopeless lately. I feel empty and alone and lonely and unhappy. I can't find any more words to express how I feel. The last time this happened to me, I cried practically every night for two weeks just right before Thanksgiving. What happened to me?? It sounds so cliche, and I'm pretty sure people won't take me seriously, but sometimes I'd imagine how I'd die. Sometimes I'd imagine how it'd feel if I just drove straight to oncoming traffic. Or falling down a flight of stairs. Or falling over a balcony. Maybe cancer. I'd imagine having a slow death, or maybe instantaneous. I'd imagine how my friends would react. Would it be better for them for me to die slowly or quick? It's just that I know that when I die, all these people will "be sad" or "mourn" and go to my wake and pay respects, say all this wonderful lovely things about me. How I'm an awesome person, funny, such a good friend, all that bullshit. But what about now? When I'm dying on the inside from loneliness, sadness, when I'm going crazy trying to hold back from crying my eyes out, and yet also going crazy when I bawl. Where will all these people be? When I'm at this point when I feel empty and depressed and alone, I want somebody to be next to me, someone who'll just rub my back, give me hugs, hand me the kleenex, while I let myself go and cry. But who will be strong enough and brave enough to be there for me? Who will be willing to come find me and tell me that even though not everything is going to be okay, that's it's okay, because I have a friend who won't let anything bad happen to me. You know, I have all these people right? But when I look back, when I hypothetically look behind me, I'm alone. I'm soooo tired of feeling like this. I'm so tired of crying and feeling empty and feeling all these emotions. And then put on a fake smile when I walk out of my room. I wanna run away. I wanna run away from here, from this room, be anywhere else but here. I wanna run away from myself. I wanna be anybody but me. Because what I am right now is pathetic. No one understands what I'm going through, what I'm feeling, or me. Why do people not know? Because I've heard it all before. Everything's going to be okay. God has plans for you. It will work itself out. You'll be okay. You'll be fine. Don't worry about it. Other people have it worse. The funny thing is, and this too shall sound so cliche, but I do have suicidal thoughts. But I'm too much of a coward to go through with it. Not for anything other than it's painful. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that if I were to get into an accident, I won't even fight to survive it. I know I'm messed up in the head. But I'm just so fucking tired.

♥ i am ♥: Mood Swing

♥ i am ♥: Mood Swing: Okay, something's wrong with me. Not that I doubted that before. Anyway, I was watching this Disney movie online and then my mom called and ...

Mood Swing

Okay, something's wrong with me. Not that I doubted that before. Anyway, I was watching this Disney movie online and then my mom called and I didn't answer because I knew why she was calling and I just ignored it and then I just started crying. And now, I fell on one of my mood swings again. I haven't talked to my mom in at least a couple of weeks, and I miss her. And I miss my sisters. And my mom's stories about my sisters. But I' just can't bring myself to talk to her. I don't want to tell her that I stopped trying already. There's this thing that's gonna happen in a couple of weeks or so that is totally going to make or break me. And my mom has been trying her best working hard to help me, and me? I just stopped trying altogether. Who wants to see their daughter give up? Not my mom. I'm her oldest, and I know she'll do everything in her power to take care of me. I'm 27 fucking years old and i still have my mom to protect and take care of me. I can't tell my mom i stopped trying, and that i gave up already. i just can't. i miss her so much.

Happy New Year!!

Oh wow. This is my first blog for 2012, and I guess that's okay even if the month's halfway over. But even though it's only been a couple of weeks (oh, 3), life's been quite eventful.

• My batchmates and I are having our highschool reunion this year!! :) I can't wait, and I'm crossing my fingers that I can definitely make it! I miss these guys like crazy!
• I signed up at Ravelry, a crocheting/knitting site (that won't give me SPAM!!!!), and I'm ALSO crossing my fingers that I'll get to improve my skills.
• The first day of the year I got to spend it with amazing people. So that should be a sign for a good year right?? *crossfingers*
• Work is stressful right now. Actually life is. I'm doing the same thing everyday. I need something to spice up my life. How about a new hot boyfriend with an English accent who would cater to my needs and whims? :)
• My online life is as busy as ever. I make it sound glamorous, to lessen the intensity of the fact that my online hours are greater than my outside social life hours. I'm kind of like a loser, but with amazing dresses and shoes. :)

..actually, that's it for now coz I gotta get ready. My friend's picking me up, and uh, we're going to Joanne Fabrics.

It's Like....

It's like this loneliness is eating me up inside.
It's like I feel a big hole in me that I've given up the desire to fill.
It's like I have lost all hope and I can't see past tomorrow.
It's like I want to cry out all these pain and sadness but I've run out of tears.
It's like it hurts so much I've ran out of ways to express it.
It's like I thought I've hit rock bottom but I just can't stop falling.
It's like I need help but I look around and the world's an empty place.
It's like I'm done trying and I'm done living.
It's like I just want to be gone.

I want to go somewhere where no one knows who I am. That way, I can stop pretending that I'm happy to the people that knows my problems.

I want to run away.

Superficial Wishes

C'mon. Everybody has them. But not everyone would be ballsy enough to admit so. Here's my list:

• I wish I was skinny. (..and by that I mean 5'5" and 120lbs)
• I wish I was rich. (not the "the world is my playground" kind of thing, not even the "socialite" rich. just.. well, rich.)
• I wish I was pretty. (i don't want boys at my feet 24/7. i just wanna be pretty where guys will actually want to ask me out, do double takes, heck yea even check me out.)
• I wish I have a talent. (talents that will amaze people, like dancing, or singing, or playing an instrument, or painting.)
• I wish I was happy. (..and not where I wish everyday that I wish I'd disappear.)
• I wish I had a bestfriend. (then maybe, life will be easier.)

Thought Overflow

In the past few weeks, I have been living inside my head and I'm just about ready to explode. I don't know where to start so I'm just going to randomly start writing about stuff.

• After writing about my friendship about a certain person, the next few days became weird. We just went from being almost close friends to barely speaking to each other. We went from talking, and texting, and hanging out to zero communication at all. I am so fucking good at pushing people away that I'm pretty sure I did something that now it seems that I have zero friendship with him. I miss his insights and my smart conversations with him. But as is with any other amazing friendship I find, I find something to ruin it. This blows.
• I spent my thanksgiving with a friend's family. I didn't wanna go Black Friday shopping with them because I had no money and I know I'll just be miserable. Plus, think about it: I'll be out in the cold, miserable I'm broke and I have nothing to show for it? Yeah, that blows too.
• I cracked. I had an emotional breakdown and I cried for hours and hours and hours. It felt like there was an empty hole growing inside of me. I was depressed for days on end, I couldn't function at work, I cried every night until I fell asleep. The worst part of it?? I have all these people that are supposedly my friends but I just felt like I couldn't call anybody who would be able to understand/help me. I've never felt more alone. If I ever give off a vibe that you can't call me for anything, please stop. I will pick up the phone at 3am if you just want to talk, if you have a problem, anything. I'm here for you. Any of you.
• I posted online that I'm tired of fighting for my life and I'm tired of trying so I'm just going to give up all together. I don't know. Maybe as a cry for help?? And of course, I had all these online friends respoinding "oh hey what's wrong?" or "what happened?" or whatever. Friends who know my number. Not one called me to ask me what was wrong. That fucking hurts, man. I didn't reply to any one of them, and no one bothered to follow up. Like, seriously. I'm not mad at them though. I'm just frustrated that our world has become so impersonal and distant. It's like everything exists online but nothing matters in the real world anymore.
• Which brings me to superficiality and materialistic whims. What happened to Thanksgiving!? It's like the dinner part has become so obligatory and the want to celebrate this tradition was replaced by Black Friday Madness. Thanksgiving dinner has now become a whimsical power-up strategy meeting of family members on what to buy where at what point during the very cold hours of the night. It was disappointing. Don't get me wrong, it's fun to be with family and friends. But if there were no Black Friday shopping, what would you do for the rest of the night after dinner?
• And another thing.. what the fuck happened to Black Friday?? Before, it actually started on the early hours of Friday. But now? Because of the ridiculous competition between retailers, doors now open earlier and earlier every year! Some stores even opened 9pm on Thursday night. Most ads claimed that their Black Friday extends all weekend all the way to Cyber Monday. Not to mention a handful of stores I know that had a three day early Black Friday Sale for those who a.)got the email, b.)have a code, c.)apply for credit cards, whatever whatever whatever. It's ridiculous!! The planning to go shopping for Black Friday lasted longer than planning what to serve for dinner!! I don't know man. Maybe I'm just saying that because I'm a hating broke-ass person, but I still think it's ridiculous.
• They should allot a Buyer's Remorse Day after all this shopping, for those who are starting to feel the dents in their wallets.
• I've realized something: whenever I have any wants or needs, I should keep them to myself. Because I've found that whenever I throw out to the universe that there are particular things that I want/need for myself and obviously can't have it for whatever reason.. well, somebody else that I know finds a way to have it for themselves. That blows as well.
• Am I a depressed person? Clinically diagnosed, I mean. All I know is that, if ground underneath me opens right now to eat me whole, I'd be more than okay with it. I've come to the point of this emptiness and sadness that I really, REALLY have stopped trying. I mean who cares anyway? Nobody apparently. I've realized after all these crying and unexplicable pain I feel that I'm ready to die. And no I'm not going to kill myself. But something were to happen to me, I'd be okay. Because I'm fucking done with the world.

Deserving

I can say I have a lot of friends. Some good, some better, but nobody has come close enough to be called the best. But it's nobody's fault. After losing a bestfriend, I've been scared to let people in. In my mind, people will do things that will disappoint you over and over, and if you regard that title to those people, you're setting yourself up to be heartbroken. I've lost a bestfriend and I don't think I can go through that heartache again. I love all my friends, I really do. I have a handful of the best closest friends ever, but somehow I still find myself alone at night. Like, there's nobody there for me. I'm sure that all my friends love me just the same, but I'm just so broken and burdened with baggage that I'm just too, too scared.

But what if you meet someone that wants to be friends with you in the sincerest form? What if you meet someone who wants to put the effort and the trouble and go out of their way to get to know you, hang out with you, treat you right, and make you feel that they'll be there for you and actually mean it?

I have this one friend, and we've started being friends just a couple of years ago. I've known him for a little over five years now but we've only become closer friends just recently, I'd say over the past six-ish months(?). Anyway, he is such a nice person. He's a gentleman, he'd kind, but he's honest, he's real. He makes me feel that my life matters too (if that even makes sense). I mean, I can't help it that I'm a pushover sometimes, but he makes me feel that I can be heard. I can't really explain it, but he makes me feel like I matter and that's all that I can say.

I mentioned to him that I've been contemplating about moving to California. He asked why. I told him that I feel like I need a change of pace, because I'm tired of trying. He asks, "Trying of what?". I said, "Trying to make it." He stops and looks at me, and tells me, "We just started hanging out and now you wanna leave? That's it, I'm going home." And we just both cracked up. But in my mind, I was really touched you know? A few weeks back, I had mentioned to a couple of friends that I might be going away for a while, and they said, "But who's gonna cover your share of the rent?" Apparently, they're joking. But jokes are always half meant.

So of course now I'm creating a totally unnecessary moral dilemma for myself. I really, really want this friendship to work out. But I'm too scared to let people in, did I mention that? I feel like, he's been sent to fix me, and that when I'm not broken anymore, he's gonna up and leave, just like all the other people that mattered in my life. He's such a good person that I feel like I don't deserve him, that being friends with him will come with a price, and I won't know when I need to pay up.

We were talking and we talked about how I feel obligated to some friends and why I feel that way. He said, "That's why I let you pick what we do, is because I know how people treat you and that's not right.." Then he looked at me and said, "I hope you don't ever feel obligated to be friends with me."

I should stop now. I'm just gonna end up jinxing stuff up some more. With my bad luck streak, I'll probably mess this up too. I just wish that he'd be strong enough to stick around and be friends with the fucking emotional mess that I am.

Thanks, Prime Factor.

Lots of Nothings.

I have a lot to blog about. But I just don't want to get into it, because it would mean dealing with a lot of emotions, and I'm just too sick and tired of that.

So now I digress.

It's so frustrating to have tF as a boss because I'm having mad "Like" issues with him.
Plus, I heard he's got a girlfriend in the city?
She's probably pretty and smart and all that hoopla.

Ugh. I'm sick of this.

Oh Hello Good Dream

So I'm kind of in a good mood this morning, because I just had a really wonderful dream. And I will not stop reiterating it. I actually feel giddy, haha. I'd share what my dream was, but I know it'll sound just ridiculous to everybody else. Let's just say it was -of course- about tF.

Anyway, long story short, I had an awesome dream and that's it. Good Frickin' Morning. \^o^/

****

In other news, the last week at work have been REALLY stressful. The only way to describe it is that I'm in job position limbo. I'm already doing the work of my "new job" but I just can't quite leave my old position behind. Since none of the new girls can work in the morning, I have to do my new job in my old desk so I can do BOTH jobs. The work load of the new job is not what stresses me out, I like it actually.

It's just that, I honestly believe that I think I have undiagnosed ADD.. well maybe. When I do my new job, I have to focus really hard and tune everybody out so I don't mess up. There's a lot of numbers and paperworks and all that stuff I have to take care of. BUT, when I'm still working the old job, I have to stop every five minutes (sometimes not even) so I can answer the phone, transfer the call, page someone, take care of a customer, blah blah blah. And when that happens, I have to refocus to continue what I was previously doing. AAAAND I really have a hard time refocusing. I'm always like, "Where was I?", "What was I doing again?", "Wait, I lost my place."

I gotta say, I've gotten really good with crying on the inside. You know, like, you cry coz you're frustrated but you literally show no tears. But apparently, I shouldn't complain because this is what I've wanted. Yes. But No. I don't want to hate my job, and the people I work with because I ACTUALLY love my job and the people I work with. And that's saying something, because most of the time, you get either or. Not both. And I've had a bajillion jobs so I know for a fact that I really do want to stay in this company.

 ****

In other OTHER news, I went to a wedding over the weekend. It was soooo pretty!! It was a small wedding, just family and friends. But really, who am I to say it's a small wedding. As far as weddings go, I've only been to two, and the first one I was a bridesmaid in a wedding party of 21 (pshyea no joke, and no that doesn't include the godparents and such), and there were 250 guests.

Anyway, after seeing my friend's wedding, I've decided it's not the amount of people or the lavishness of the ceremony/reception that makes a beautiful wedding. It's the spirit of it. The essence, the execution, the people. Anyway, my friend's wedding, like I said was beautiful. The groom and his men were wearing white tuxes, the Tiffany blue really popped out against the white and silver, the music they played during cocktail hour was classy and elegant, and the couple's first dance was just frickin' lovely and adorable. Oh and the Dj was hella funny too, BUT he has to go back to DJ-ing school because the way he mixed songs was ATROCIOUS. Of course, I held my composure as they were doing the Father-Daughter dance, touchy subject for me that's why.

Oh, did I mention the open bar? Haha.

photocredit: KaterinaBeth

****

Tuesday came and went. But Prime Factor and I didn't hang out. So we just took a raincheck to do lunch and hang out since there was no time coz he had a deal coming in after he gets out of work so he had to stay around. Instead, he texted me and told me he'll come visit me for a couple of hours at work. Unfortunately for me, I can only do 30 minutes of those two hours coz I'm not really allowed to leave my desk for ANY social hour.

Then I went out to dinner with MommyDee and PFN (acronym meaning withheld as it's just between Prime Factor and me (I?) ). After a free dinner, courtesy of the wonderful MommyDee, we checked out t he new Walmart and got dropped off home.

Prime Factor and I had another Application Trial Session. Last time, we did Skype, Tango, and Qik Chat, We compared notes and which was the best. We couldn't work the camera on Skype, we couldn't work Qik Chat AT ALL, and Tango had good voice quality but the camera would freeze here and there. Last night we tried TikL, which is like the smartphone app version of Nextel's PTT (push to talk, yo), or your average walkie talkie. It was a fun way to communicate, as long as you remember to hold the phone at least 3 inches away from your pie-hole. And it's not for an actual serious heart to heart conversation. It's pretty much like twitter, but with voice.

****

And I guess that's that for now. Sorry for the long blog entry, but did I mention I had a really awesome dream? Haha. That's probably why I got so motivated to recap the last week of my life. 

That's it for now, I gotta get ready for work. :)

Pinteresting.

I have a lot of things to blog about but as always, the world wide web is taking over my life. Specifically, Pinterest. Now I have a whole bunch of DIY projects lined up and I just need to go to the thrift store and craft store for it. It's going to be fun, fun, fun!

Hi, Matt.

So.. I had a dream about you last night. It was so weird because it was random. In my dream your ghost was following me around. There were two other ghosts there with you but I'm just not gonna say who they are okay? Anyway, you three were following me around. I was feeling guilty all day because I kept saying death comes in threes, and when you passed away, another common friend passed away, then another. So I was being too hard on myself, that I shouldn't have opened my mouth. I was depressed. And the whole time you were just following me, with the two others right behind you. You were giving me crap for being depressed. That I shouldn't worry about it. My dream was really long, but as always, I barely remember it. That is why I'm trying to blog as much nonsense as I can get out of it. In my head, if I close my eyes, I can see what you look like. But not enough to write it on here. I remember that when no one is looking at me in my dream, I'd come and give you tight hugs. Even more weird, I was ABLE to give you hugs like you were just there with me. I know you're trying to tell me something. But what is it?

....and then of course I woke up.

I went to your FB page after I woke up and your mom posted a video of you, Jaimie and Noah, jamming together. I only saw your face the beginning of the video and I started crying.

You're probably wondering why I'm writing my sentiments on here and not on FB. You probably already know, that's why you visited me in my sleep last night. I'd miss you all the time, Matt. I'd miss when we used to hang out all the time at my mom's house, or your mom's apartment's pool. Remember my mom's birthday when we just took over? Or when we all went to the Art Museum on a random day?  Or you, me and Krackel grabbing a handful of those Soy Amada pins at the Jewelry store? You and Danny sitting in on my Spanish class instead of waiting for me outside so we can all eat at Wendy's afterwards? And then you'd be giving me all the answers so that I can show off in that class. Haha, Senor Martinez probably thought I was super awesome in Spanish class 'coz of you. Tengo una pregunta para ti. Haha. Or we skipped class to go swimming at your pool and we brought margherita pizza from Target for everyone. Playing Pool Nazi with Danny, Jason, Steve and me and Krackel just sat on the side coz you guys played for HOURS and it got old for us within the first 30 minutes. Haha. I miss you sooooo much Matt. Not only because you are gone. But I missed being your friend even before what happened. I missed hanging out with you. I missed you being my life coach. When Danny called me to tell me what happened, one of his first words were "I know you think that Matt's a really cool person and that I know you missed having him around, but I wanted to tell you that.."

So yeah, why am I putting my dream here on my blog? Because my blog is the "I Don't Give A Fuck" part of me. When I go on your FB page, all these people that tell you they miss you, and share stories and music about you, that say you visited them last night, I feel that they deserved to be part of your life and they deserved to put all these amazing stories and thoughts about you on your wall. I feel pretty insignificant, because I know that it was majority my fault why we drifted apart. You and Danny had a silly falling out and I was stupid enough to take sides. And now my guilt is eating me up inside. I feel that I don't deserve to tell the world what an amazing person you were when we were hanging out because I chose to drift away from you. Now I don't have a boyfriend and I don't have a friend. I'm soooo sorry, Matt. I'm really really really sorry.