You know what pisses me off..? Fuckers.
24 June 2011
23 June 2011
Options
Looking back, I know I was given a lot of options. But those options
that I made were the reasons why I am where I am right now. I believe I
made bad choices, but can I really say I'm in a bad place in my life
because of those bad choices? Regardless of whether my choices are bad
or not, am I a bad person?
These thoughts are pretty deep and random on a Thursday morning. But I can't help it. That's actually the closest I've been able to put my thoughts into words. I get days where I feel like I've hit rock bottom, but on other days I feel like I'm stuck in a middle ground and I feel like I'm watching my life in somebody else's eyes. I know, I know, these all sound weird and all. But I'm in one of those moods.
Situation 1: I had an argument with my friend (to which I'd rather not go into detail). I had two options, tell her what I was thinking, or tell her nothing. Since I have the tendency to run my mouth a little and saying what I think/feel, I chose to do so and she got mad at me. Had I chosen to shut my mouth would she had gotten mad? My policy with my thoughts and words is that just because you didn't say it, doesn't mean you weren't thinking it. Because of what happened, I decided to vent a little to my other friend. Lo and behold, the next day I was accused of talking about people behind their back.. swear words included. I had two options, didn't I? Open up and vent what I feel because I trusted that person, or shut my mouth. I chose to open up because I felt that that person could be trusted. But I guess not. (..and people don't know why I have trust issues, sheesh.) In this case, I couldn't win.
Situation 2: Last week, I went to Chicago on three different days. Knowing that I had an outstanding bill to pay for, and the money I have to work with is on the low side, I still decided to spend it. Two of those days were supposed to be free trips to the museum. The third was a shopping trip planned months ago. I had choices right? Suck it up and don't spend money on the free days, pay the bill, and save for the shopping trip. That or spend the money, and hope for the best something good happens along the way. Well, in my eagerness to please and fit in, I just went with what everyone wanted to do. Hey, it made for an awesome good time in Chicago so who's complaining right? Definitely not me. But shopping trip came, and I was broke as hell and I ended up spending my money to the very last penny. Well, I had three dollars left. Haha. And yet, I wasn't quite satisfied with what I've purchase. Mainly because I had to settle. I'd find something I really, really like but opt for something QUITE like it for a way cheaper price. I waited three months for this shopping trip to settle?! But there you go again, another fork in the road. Settle or don't settle.
Situation 3: 75% of the time, I'm like a miserable lovesick puppy in dire need of love and attention. I miss having someone special, I miss holding hands with someone, movie dates, cuddling, sweet nothing, yada yada frickin' yada. But when I get the opportunity to "give someone a chance", I shut down faster than an expensive jewelry store's security system. What's wrong with me? I get these kind of options sometimes, and what do I do? I hit the ground running. That's messed up yo.
Situation 4: I was offered a position (a new position created and I was offered it!!) by a higher up at work, and I thought it's my lucky break. But it was an epic fail as my manager wouldn't give me up because "we have too many things to do. That really broke my heart. Here I thought I was getting awesome at what I do, but I guess I wasn't good enough because I felt like I wasn't deserving of that position. I could seriously, honestly, forreal say that I was heartbroken. And trust me, I know NOW how being heartbroken feels like. I was so devastated, I was actually going "what's the point" at work. I was sad, and I lost my motivation to be the best at what I do because what's the point? It doesn't matter if the owner of the company wanted me to be administrative anything. As long as I am needed in my department, I will never move up. I had I choice, I know deep in my heart I had a choice: talk to my manager and tell her exactly how badly I need this new position. It's the big break I've been waiting for. It will help me improve my life. But instead, I chose to shut it so as not to sever any ties with her. She's awesome and all, I know she'll give me good recommendations. So I just decided to suck it up. Grin and bear it.
Actually, I could go on and on and on. But my head hurts from all these rollercoaster feelings I'm unraveling right now. So maybe next time.
Conclusion: trust issues, abandonment issues, low self esteem.. what else?
These thoughts are pretty deep and random on a Thursday morning. But I can't help it. That's actually the closest I've been able to put my thoughts into words. I get days where I feel like I've hit rock bottom, but on other days I feel like I'm stuck in a middle ground and I feel like I'm watching my life in somebody else's eyes. I know, I know, these all sound weird and all. But I'm in one of those moods.
Situation 1: I had an argument with my friend (to which I'd rather not go into detail). I had two options, tell her what I was thinking, or tell her nothing. Since I have the tendency to run my mouth a little and saying what I think/feel, I chose to do so and she got mad at me. Had I chosen to shut my mouth would she had gotten mad? My policy with my thoughts and words is that just because you didn't say it, doesn't mean you weren't thinking it. Because of what happened, I decided to vent a little to my other friend. Lo and behold, the next day I was accused of talking about people behind their back.. swear words included. I had two options, didn't I? Open up and vent what I feel because I trusted that person, or shut my mouth. I chose to open up because I felt that that person could be trusted. But I guess not. (..and people don't know why I have trust issues, sheesh.) In this case, I couldn't win.
Situation 2: Last week, I went to Chicago on three different days. Knowing that I had an outstanding bill to pay for, and the money I have to work with is on the low side, I still decided to spend it. Two of those days were supposed to be free trips to the museum. The third was a shopping trip planned months ago. I had choices right? Suck it up and don't spend money on the free days, pay the bill, and save for the shopping trip. That or spend the money, and hope for the best something good happens along the way. Well, in my eagerness to please and fit in, I just went with what everyone wanted to do. Hey, it made for an awesome good time in Chicago so who's complaining right? Definitely not me. But shopping trip came, and I was broke as hell and I ended up spending my money to the very last penny. Well, I had three dollars left. Haha. And yet, I wasn't quite satisfied with what I've purchase. Mainly because I had to settle. I'd find something I really, really like but opt for something QUITE like it for a way cheaper price. I waited three months for this shopping trip to settle?! But there you go again, another fork in the road. Settle or don't settle.
Situation 3: 75% of the time, I'm like a miserable lovesick puppy in dire need of love and attention. I miss having someone special, I miss holding hands with someone, movie dates, cuddling, sweet nothing, yada yada frickin' yada. But when I get the opportunity to "give someone a chance", I shut down faster than an expensive jewelry store's security system. What's wrong with me? I get these kind of options sometimes, and what do I do? I hit the ground running. That's messed up yo.
Situation 4: I was offered a position (a new position created and I was offered it!!) by a higher up at work, and I thought it's my lucky break. But it was an epic fail as my manager wouldn't give me up because "we have too many things to do. That really broke my heart. Here I thought I was getting awesome at what I do, but I guess I wasn't good enough because I felt like I wasn't deserving of that position. I could seriously, honestly, forreal say that I was heartbroken. And trust me, I know NOW how being heartbroken feels like. I was so devastated, I was actually going "what's the point" at work. I was sad, and I lost my motivation to be the best at what I do because what's the point? It doesn't matter if the owner of the company wanted me to be administrative anything. As long as I am needed in my department, I will never move up. I had I choice, I know deep in my heart I had a choice: talk to my manager and tell her exactly how badly I need this new position. It's the big break I've been waiting for. It will help me improve my life. But instead, I chose to shut it so as not to sever any ties with her. She's awesome and all, I know she'll give me good recommendations. So I just decided to suck it up. Grin and bear it.
Actually, I could go on and on and on. But my head hurts from all these rollercoaster feelings I'm unraveling right now. So maybe next time.
Conclusion: trust issues, abandonment issues, low self esteem.. what else?
Wanted: Best Friend
So I had an "atercation" with a friend a couple of weeks back which confirmed my "theory" that I really don't have a bestfriend. NBD.
Anyway, after that. I really tried to control my tongue. When things offend me, bother me, when there's something happy I wanna share, I "TRY" to hold back. What's the point? I have close friends, but I don't have a bestfriend. Well, as far as I feel anyway.
But yeah. NBFD.
Anyway, after that. I really tried to control my tongue. When things offend me, bother me, when there's something happy I wanna share, I "TRY" to hold back. What's the point? I have close friends, but I don't have a bestfriend. Well, as far as I feel anyway.
But yeah. NBFD.
06 June 2011
God Works In Mysterious Ways
First question: Is it REALLY a part of growing up and being mature to "get over" things that bother you? Do we REALLY have to?
The saying goes, "Forgive and forget." Some would argue that they can forgive but they will never forget. I agree with those some people because how will you learn your lesson when you forget, right? And while I agree, I think it's suffice to say that I'm actually part of what I think is a very small community of people that would rather forget that forgive.
And sadly enough, I can say I'm very good at that: dodging issues, not wanting to talk about it, ignoring people and things. Yeah, I'm a real masterpiece.
Anyway, enough about my wondering thoughts. Here's my story:
I had to go through an insufferable day yesterday for my friend's paintball party. He and whatsherface had decided they wanted to join my friends, and be part of my life for that day. I had asked God to give me the strength and the patience to deal with them and my storm clouds of emotions for that day. With my game face on (read: shades to cover up my eyes and iPod to tune out the rest of the world), I set out to fulfill my friendly duties for the day. As I was experiencing the constant feeling of that rollercoaster drops, anticipation, stress, and unwanted memories flooding back in.. not to mention suppressed anger boiling and ready to explode, God worked His mysterious way for me. He and whatsherface took a wrong turn along time way (read: let's not confirm that we got the right address and set off into day, shall we?) and ended up in Indiana. (FYI: the Illinois-Indiana-Kentucky-Tennessee-Georgia-Florida route is of very deep and special importance to me. Dipping in Indiana.. not good. Hahaha!!)
I'm thinking he probably got frustrated finding out he ended up in the wrong part of town, seeing as I know he misses the wolfpack (I miss the wolfpack too!! But I guess, we can't always get what we want huh? :[ ). I'm thinking he tried to make do with what he has and made a day of it, not letting it end on a sour not. FYI, if that was me, we'd have been in the right place in a heartbeat. Oh well, that's makes both of us S.O.L then. Again with the sad face :[.
Anyway, the ladies and I powwowed and we pretty much covered that God rewarded me for AT LEAST TRYING to be the bigger person in the situation. Roger wanted his friend for his party, and he shall get it, regardless of the fact that it was supposedly a private party and all.
I'm just really thankful that regardless of the emotional stress I went through that day, I was able to enjoy that day with my adopted family and my friends without any gatecrashers. And hey, don't get me wrong, regardless of what he did to me, he is welcome just because whether I'm angry at him or not, he still resides in my heart together with all my friends that are special to me. He will always a spot, I guarantee it. But that's where I draw the line.
But for now, I'm just gonna have to settle with what I have. Because, from what I've seen so far, God has wonderful plans for me. What that is, I have yet to find out. =/
The saying goes, "Forgive and forget." Some would argue that they can forgive but they will never forget. I agree with those some people because how will you learn your lesson when you forget, right? And while I agree, I think it's suffice to say that I'm actually part of what I think is a very small community of people that would rather forget that forgive.
And sadly enough, I can say I'm very good at that: dodging issues, not wanting to talk about it, ignoring people and things. Yeah, I'm a real masterpiece.
Anyway, enough about my wondering thoughts. Here's my story:
I had to go through an insufferable day yesterday for my friend's paintball party. He and whatsherface had decided they wanted to join my friends, and be part of my life for that day. I had asked God to give me the strength and the patience to deal with them and my storm clouds of emotions for that day. With my game face on (read: shades to cover up my eyes and iPod to tune out the rest of the world), I set out to fulfill my friendly duties for the day. As I was experiencing the constant feeling of that rollercoaster drops, anticipation, stress, and unwanted memories flooding back in.. not to mention suppressed anger boiling and ready to explode, God worked His mysterious way for me. He and whatsherface took a wrong turn along time way (read: let's not confirm that we got the right address and set off into day, shall we?) and ended up in Indiana. (FYI: the Illinois-Indiana-Kentucky-Tennessee-Georgia-Florida route is of very deep and special importance to me. Dipping in Indiana.. not good. Hahaha!!)
I'm thinking he probably got frustrated finding out he ended up in the wrong part of town, seeing as I know he misses the wolfpack (I miss the wolfpack too!! But I guess, we can't always get what we want huh? :[ ). I'm thinking he tried to make do with what he has and made a day of it, not letting it end on a sour not. FYI, if that was me, we'd have been in the right place in a heartbeat. Oh well, that's makes both of us S.O.L then. Again with the sad face :[.
Anyway, the ladies and I powwowed and we pretty much covered that God rewarded me for AT LEAST TRYING to be the bigger person in the situation. Roger wanted his friend for his party, and he shall get it, regardless of the fact that it was supposedly a private party and all.
I'm just really thankful that regardless of the emotional stress I went through that day, I was able to enjoy that day with my adopted family and my friends without any gatecrashers. And hey, don't get me wrong, regardless of what he did to me, he is welcome just because whether I'm angry at him or not, he still resides in my heart together with all my friends that are special to me. He will always a spot, I guarantee it. But that's where I draw the line.
But for now, I'm just gonna have to settle with what I have. Because, from what I've seen so far, God has wonderful plans for me. What that is, I have yet to find out. =/
Dazed and Confused.... and Emotionally Tired.
Yesterday was Roger's paintball party. Days before the said event, all I could do was ask God for strength that I may survived the day, because there will be guests that I prefer not seeing.. because. On the day of, I woke up with a queasy stomach and a broken heart. I'm sorry, but I relive That Day everytime something reminds me of him, and I relive it like it's a nightmare.So much so that I dream about it to. Ugh. And I thought I'm closer to being done with this scenario.
Anyway, I just decided to go to the paintball party because I want to test my patience, I wanna find out how strong I really am. So with the little patience and strength I had, I went with my game face on. Read: stoic face, shades to cover up my eyes so I can roll my eyes and no one will see (haha!), and my iPod to tune out the rest of the world.
I eventually decided I'm not going to play. a.) no money, and I'm kinda tired of everyone spotting for me, b.)I'm so angry about the situation that I probably will lose self-control when I'm teammates with them and if I'm up against them, I'd just look past them, even if they're trying to shoot at me. But more like B, because if you know me, I have anger management issues, and the paintball field is not the place for my rage.
So I just volunteered to run the charcoal grill (man, I'm awesome!!), which was a fun task in itself. I ran around taking videos, pictures, cooking.. I pretty much kept myself occupied "for when the time comes". But then I had to leave at three to drive Roger's cousin home in time for his mandatory graduation dinner. On the way back, I started to "daydream" on the one hour trip back to the paintball field. The two hour window I was gone from the field would've been the perfect time for them to show up, play and leave.
And not to be mean or anything, because I TOTALLY did not see it coming at all, I just felt really relieved, to my surprise and amusement, they ended up going to the wrong place.. all the way in Indiana!! I mean, I feel bad for him and all.. had to do all the driving for nothing. I bet, he was really psyched to go. I can just imagine. But I'm sure he made something out of that trip.
But anyway, after we all left the field to go home, we stopped by the gas station and the girls powwowed. All I could say (since I'm still bewildered and all) was that God must really REALLY love me for me to deserve such a day. All I asked was for God to give me the patience and strength to get through the day, regardless of the misery and stress it could put me through. I was given a rollercoaster of emotions that day.. whenever I'd see a car pull up the parking lot, whenever I'd see two people walking towards our directions, I'd tense up and start having trouble breathing. I just don't want to be in that position anymore. The pain, the hurt, the stress, all the bad feelings and memories rushing in and drowning me.. an emotional slap in the face. I just can't. People may see me strong.. but I'm just a hard-ass trying to cover my emotional struggle. Hah, and I think I'm really good at it. Anyway, reeling it back in (haha!), in a weird twist of fate, they did not make an appearance. And although it almost didn't really benefit me since I was gone, it almost seemed not a big of a deal if ever they showed up. I've already been through the stress early on that day, trying to anticipate their arrival. But like what I've always tried to say.... I must have done something right. I told Dee about my "God loves me" theory and Dee pretty much said that I got rewarded for at least TRYING to be the bigger person in the situation. And I believe her. Granted I was just gonna ignore them anyway.. but at least I TRIED to suffer through my pain in silence in order for Roger to hang out with his friends, regardless of who they were inviting since you know, it was a private party and all. I tried and I went through the motions, and God threw me a little bone. :))
INXS: Since it was an emotional rollercoaster for me that day.. and in true Jaja fashion, can you guess what happened???? I had a dream about him. UGH. Whenever something gave an impact to my day, for whatever reason, I dream about it. All the time. Before, him and I would always talk about this one girl (good or bad conversation, whatever..), that same night, I'd dream about her. Random, weird situations. But whatever. So yeah, I had a dream about him. It was a pretty long and detailed dream (not THAT kind of dream, you perv haha!).. and it was a feel-good kind of dream, that when I woke up, I think it threw my progress back by a year FRICKIN'A!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm back to the sick to the pit of my stomach, hyperventilating, nauseous, fidgety, can't concentrate state of mind. I hate myself! It's like, I care so much about everything and EVERYONE that once it gets under my skin it's there. People that are special to me in one way or another, takes residence in my heart for such a very long time that anything and everything affects me.... because I care so much. I should really just stop caring. It's going to be the death of me.
Anyway, I just decided to go to the paintball party because I want to test my patience, I wanna find out how strong I really am. So with the little patience and strength I had, I went with my game face on. Read: stoic face, shades to cover up my eyes so I can roll my eyes and no one will see (haha!), and my iPod to tune out the rest of the world.
I eventually decided I'm not going to play. a.) no money, and I'm kinda tired of everyone spotting for me, b.)I'm so angry about the situation that I probably will lose self-control when I'm teammates with them and if I'm up against them, I'd just look past them, even if they're trying to shoot at me. But more like B, because if you know me, I have anger management issues, and the paintball field is not the place for my rage.
So I just volunteered to run the charcoal grill (man, I'm awesome!!), which was a fun task in itself. I ran around taking videos, pictures, cooking.. I pretty much kept myself occupied "for when the time comes". But then I had to leave at three to drive Roger's cousin home in time for his mandatory graduation dinner. On the way back, I started to "daydream" on the one hour trip back to the paintball field. The two hour window I was gone from the field would've been the perfect time for them to show up, play and leave.
And not to be mean or anything, because I TOTALLY did not see it coming at all, I just felt really relieved, to my surprise and amusement, they ended up going to the wrong place.. all the way in Indiana!! I mean, I feel bad for him and all.. had to do all the driving for nothing. I bet, he was really psyched to go. I can just imagine. But I'm sure he made something out of that trip.
But anyway, after we all left the field to go home, we stopped by the gas station and the girls powwowed. All I could say (since I'm still bewildered and all) was that God must really REALLY love me for me to deserve such a day. All I asked was for God to give me the patience and strength to get through the day, regardless of the misery and stress it could put me through. I was given a rollercoaster of emotions that day.. whenever I'd see a car pull up the parking lot, whenever I'd see two people walking towards our directions, I'd tense up and start having trouble breathing. I just don't want to be in that position anymore. The pain, the hurt, the stress, all the bad feelings and memories rushing in and drowning me.. an emotional slap in the face. I just can't. People may see me strong.. but I'm just a hard-ass trying to cover my emotional struggle. Hah, and I think I'm really good at it. Anyway, reeling it back in (haha!), in a weird twist of fate, they did not make an appearance. And although it almost didn't really benefit me since I was gone, it almost seemed not a big of a deal if ever they showed up. I've already been through the stress early on that day, trying to anticipate their arrival. But like what I've always tried to say.... I must have done something right. I told Dee about my "God loves me" theory and Dee pretty much said that I got rewarded for at least TRYING to be the bigger person in the situation. And I believe her. Granted I was just gonna ignore them anyway.. but at least I TRIED to suffer through my pain in silence in order for Roger to hang out with his friends, regardless of who they were inviting since you know, it was a private party and all. I tried and I went through the motions, and God threw me a little bone. :))
INXS: Since it was an emotional rollercoaster for me that day.. and in true Jaja fashion, can you guess what happened???? I had a dream about him. UGH. Whenever something gave an impact to my day, for whatever reason, I dream about it. All the time. Before, him and I would always talk about this one girl (good or bad conversation, whatever..), that same night, I'd dream about her. Random, weird situations. But whatever. So yeah, I had a dream about him. It was a pretty long and detailed dream (not THAT kind of dream, you perv haha!).. and it was a feel-good kind of dream, that when I woke up, I think it threw my progress back by a year FRICKIN'A!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm back to the sick to the pit of my stomach, hyperventilating, nauseous, fidgety, can't concentrate state of mind. I hate myself! It's like, I care so much about everything and EVERYONE that once it gets under my skin it's there. People that are special to me in one way or another, takes residence in my heart for such a very long time that anything and everything affects me.... because I care so much. I should really just stop caring. It's going to be the death of me.
02 June 2011
In A Nutshell (Again)
The last two months have been quite a rollercoaster ride, it's seriously not even funny. It was as much fun as it was stressfull, and I am emotionally, physically, and mentally drained. Let's see if I can recap what the big blur has been about. (Although, if you follow me on twitter, I'm sure you're pretty much updated to when I last ate..)
- 04.12.11 - Dee, Nadienne, and I went on our girldate to Texas de Brazil. I got a buy one dinner, get one dinner free coupon for my birthday. It was fun, free food is epecially more fun! :)
- 04.16.11 - I registered for a Realy for Life team and I'm a captain this year!! I'm kinda nervous, but I'm excited as well. This is my sixth year rockin' Relay for Life, and my first time being a captain. But thanks to my friend Maria, who helping me out, I hope we raise a decent amount of money!
- 04.22.11 - This day was Earth Day and of course, Dee and I, dealhounds that we are, drove around to score some freebies. Score number 1: Starbucks free coffee when you bring your own mug in.Score number 2: Disney Store gave out recycled totes when you bring in five plastic shopping bag.
- 04.29.11 - KC and I stayed up from midnight to about 7 am watching The Royal Wedding! Hahaha! I'm sure we're not the only crazy ones who did, and it was fun. And then we pretty much slept all afternoon..ish. And then I went to see Fast Five with Dee, Kuya Owen, Melissa, and Bryan.
- And of course, here are there are a bunch of random shopping trips, food trips, and colorful conversations with wonderful people. :)
This Is Real Life
Almost two years later and.... it's still real life. All it took was one stupid song to bring me back to October 29, 2009. I'm done. I am soooo done with this feeling, this emotion, this pain already. Someone sedate me. In the wise words of Sammie Sweetheart, "I AM DONE".
I've gone through the motions already. I've engulfed myself in boycrushes, I've shopped myself penniless. I've gone on adventures, tried new things, epitomized a different me, made new friends, went to new places, EVERYTHING. At the end of it all, it only takes ONE THING to break me down.
My friend Robb is right. I told Robb that I'm sick and tired of people telling me I should let go, move on, whatever. I tell these people I can't force myself to do something like that. I'm a person that for one thing is overly dramatic.. but I feel A LOT of things, I take a lot of things to heart, it's hard for me to forgive much less forget. I'm just gonna let it happen. Robb said, it's gonna happen when it will, I should just work towards that goal, because if I just suppress it then it will erupt when I least expect it.
I met this one guy at the beginning of the year through my friend Andrea. Looking back, I can see I was just infatuatued, but whatever. In my head, I liked him so much that it was actually enough for me to let go of some of the physical memories in my room. All boxed out and ready to go. Except for one. The red teddy bear. It was his first gift to me, for our first month together and for valentine's day. After that ugly day, everytime I'd cry about us, I just get the bear and hug it for comfort. But like a junkie trying to kick it, when these certain kind of tears would fall lately, all I do is stare at the bear from the top of my book shelf, resisting the urge to grab it and let it comfort me. Anyway, going back to guy at the beginning of the year.... I don't think I feel anything for him anymore. Hah, that lasted I think a month, but whatever. All I know is I was thankful I met him and liked him enough to let go a little. After that, I thought I'd be okay.
I even started listening to music again. Love songs even. Granted I still won't touch Ne-Yo with a ten-foot pole, but whatever. I've actually found that I can drift away from the real world just by listening to music. So that's an improvement.
Even watching love stories, wedding shows, all that crap. Andrea got me in a short wedding craze. I even tried to design my own engagement ring online. Hah. THAT I can tell you, is a HUGE improvement for me.
But whatever.... because apparently, none of all these "progress" matters. Because at the end of it all, the person that broke me, and cut me out of his life because he blamed me that his relationship was getting sour, and gave up on me? He still ended up turning my world upside down. Almost two fucking years later, and I'm stilll that girl.
So tell me, anybody, please tell me. How is it fair that he cut me out of his life like that but he can go as he please to my friend roger's paintball party this Saturday? And I'm supposed to be the bigger person?? When he even had the AUDACITY to not invite any of supposedly OUR friends to his birthday celebration and he got invited to all of theirs???? Not one friend got an invitation. Granted no one would've been able to make it coz another person already planned their celebration first, but still. This person got invited to the barbecue two weekends ago and all he can come up with is "I don't know what I'm doing let me see, and I'll let you know?". Oh how about, "Hey I wanna take you out to lunch coz my other buddy blew me off."
But of course, Roger's all "Hey, I'mma be a bigger person and invite him even though he didn't invite me." Good for you Roger, good for you.
So he said he's cutting me out of His Circle (pretty much until further notice), but he can come and go as he please in MY CIRCLE TOO???? No wait, he probably thinks this is his circle too.
Bottomline is that I could never hate him, he gave me the best memories, but with those memories came pain and tears which were also my worst memories. He will always be that guy to me. The guy I met who was in crutches, smiling. The cocky guy who made everyone smile in school. He will always be that guy. The one who was the other half of our unbeatable team, my partner in crime. He will always be my little sisters' big brother. He will always be the boy my mom loved, regardless of whether we went out or not. I don't hate him, I'm just really, really, REALLY angry.
I've gone through the motions already. I've engulfed myself in boycrushes, I've shopped myself penniless. I've gone on adventures, tried new things, epitomized a different me, made new friends, went to new places, EVERYTHING. At the end of it all, it only takes ONE THING to break me down.
My friend Robb is right. I told Robb that I'm sick and tired of people telling me I should let go, move on, whatever. I tell these people I can't force myself to do something like that. I'm a person that for one thing is overly dramatic.. but I feel A LOT of things, I take a lot of things to heart, it's hard for me to forgive much less forget. I'm just gonna let it happen. Robb said, it's gonna happen when it will, I should just work towards that goal, because if I just suppress it then it will erupt when I least expect it.
I met this one guy at the beginning of the year through my friend Andrea. Looking back, I can see I was just infatuatued, but whatever. In my head, I liked him so much that it was actually enough for me to let go of some of the physical memories in my room. All boxed out and ready to go. Except for one. The red teddy bear. It was his first gift to me, for our first month together and for valentine's day. After that ugly day, everytime I'd cry about us, I just get the bear and hug it for comfort. But like a junkie trying to kick it, when these certain kind of tears would fall lately, all I do is stare at the bear from the top of my book shelf, resisting the urge to grab it and let it comfort me. Anyway, going back to guy at the beginning of the year.... I don't think I feel anything for him anymore. Hah, that lasted I think a month, but whatever. All I know is I was thankful I met him and liked him enough to let go a little. After that, I thought I'd be okay.
I even started listening to music again. Love songs even. Granted I still won't touch Ne-Yo with a ten-foot pole, but whatever. I've actually found that I can drift away from the real world just by listening to music. So that's an improvement.
Even watching love stories, wedding shows, all that crap. Andrea got me in a short wedding craze. I even tried to design my own engagement ring online. Hah. THAT I can tell you, is a HUGE improvement for me.
But whatever.... because apparently, none of all these "progress" matters. Because at the end of it all, the person that broke me, and cut me out of his life because he blamed me that his relationship was getting sour, and gave up on me? He still ended up turning my world upside down. Almost two fucking years later, and I'm stilll that girl.
So tell me, anybody, please tell me. How is it fair that he cut me out of his life like that but he can go as he please to my friend roger's paintball party this Saturday? And I'm supposed to be the bigger person?? When he even had the AUDACITY to not invite any of supposedly OUR friends to his birthday celebration and he got invited to all of theirs???? Not one friend got an invitation. Granted no one would've been able to make it coz another person already planned their celebration first, but still. This person got invited to the barbecue two weekends ago and all he can come up with is "I don't know what I'm doing let me see, and I'll let you know?". Oh how about, "Hey I wanna take you out to lunch coz my other buddy blew me off."
But of course, Roger's all "Hey, I'mma be a bigger person and invite him even though he didn't invite me." Good for you Roger, good for you.
So he said he's cutting me out of His Circle (pretty much until further notice), but he can come and go as he please in MY CIRCLE TOO???? No wait, he probably thinks this is his circle too.
Bottomline is that I could never hate him, he gave me the best memories, but with those memories came pain and tears which were also my worst memories. He will always be that guy to me. The guy I met who was in crutches, smiling. The cocky guy who made everyone smile in school. He will always be that guy. The one who was the other half of our unbeatable team, my partner in crime. He will always be my little sisters' big brother. He will always be the boy my mom loved, regardless of whether we went out or not. I don't hate him, I'm just really, really, REALLY angry.
10 April 2011
In A Nutshell
Two things happen can happen when I get extremely overwhelmed (in
general): I become super-productive to de-stress.. or in my mind, I'm
curled up in a fetal position tuning the world out. With that in mind, I
haven't updated on any of my online stuff. So in a nutshell, here's
what happened/what I've been thinking.. etc.
- There was that one day (last Tuesday) where I was off from work and I was stuck at home all day that I think I flatlilned to boredom. I was so bored, I didn't even bust out with my knitting/sewing/beading/reading/editing. I just watched episodes of That 70's Show all day, and read pages and pages of Lamebook in between (as of late, I'm on pg137).
- On Wednesday, same boring shiznits happened except late in the afternoon, my roommate asked me if I wanted to do errands at Walmart with her. It's very sad to say that that was the highlight of my two-day break from work.
- Thursday, my roommate KC and I went to Old Navy for some much needed shopping. Actually, she can go shopping 'coz she's now a ballin' LNP while I probably could have done WITHOUT that $45 shopping trip. I told myself I'm punishing myself until I get me a car. Two tops and a cardigan later, guilt is sitting at the pit of my stomach. Mind you, that feeling continued until I came home from work late that night.
- I guess it didn't help that we Just Had To Go Back to Old Navy to buy the canvas peacoat I didn't get the day before I didn't have enough money. Since I bough something the day before, there was a survey participation thing going on that gives you 10% when you go back to the store. So this peacoat was originally $44.95 dollars, but was on sale for $19.99 PLUS an additional 30% off for all clearance items.. PLUS PLUS my 10% discount for doing the survey.. $13 baby. SUPERSCORE.
 | ||
| My $13 Super Score from Old Navy |
- I finally FINALLY had a Jurin-style birthday!! My friends and I absolutely love going to Jurin. Our teppan/sushi place of choice used to be House of Tokyo/Mr. Samurai in St. Charles.. but we crossed over, haha! Everytime there's a birthday at my friend Dee's family (or any of our friends really) we ALWAYS go to Jurin now. And since my birthday plans didn't include Jurin, I was kinda sad. But KC was kraving (<-haha, see what I did there? :] , we all went. I have a happy tummy, I got the staff to sing for me, I got my Jurin picture AND a free dinner for my birthday next year. Hells yay!!
- I looked pretty cute at work Saturday. Haha, just saying. We're not really supposed to wear jeans at work but sometimes I wear jeans on Saturdays since I'm the only one in the office. But anyway, I was wearing my $7 pair of brown riding boots from Walmart (again, another superscore, as it was originally $30 I think). I got complimented too! One of the sales guys were like, "That's an awesome pair of boots!" I go, "Thankyousevendollarsatwalmart!!" Hahaha.
- After sitting at my desk for nine hours, Dee and I went to go see her a musical at Marmion Academy (hello expensive catholic privates school for boys!) where her niece has a small role in. Can I just say that sitting for another three hours to watch a play (musical?) that I have no clue about REALLY tested my attention span. Halfway through the first act, I told Dee to google the plot so we can understand the twist already. She ended up following along while reading it, haha. I guess, it's about racism and sexism right?? 'Coz the nurse didn't wanna marry that Emile guy because he got with it with a Polynesian woman and had two kids, and this guy Cable (Gable?) couldn't marry this girl because she was a different race (was she supposed to be black?) and he ended up dying and without getting the girl too. *SHRUG* Oh, and according to what I saw, nurses where pretty little sluts back then (with their annoying giggling and strutting their stuff and whatnot).
- Now I'm just chilling at Dee's house because I slept over because she was too tired to drive me back to my apartment.
04 April 2011
Whoa There, Bad Dream
So I woke up around 7am this morning because of a really bad dream. (For a detailed account, check my other blog here.) So what do I do after I've blogged it all out? I try and interpret it.
According to Dream Moods,
According to Dream Moods,
To dream that you are at somebody else's funeral, signifies that you are burying an old relationship and closing the lid on the past. You may be letting go some of the feelings (resentment, anger, hostility toward someone) that you have been clinging onto. If your are dreaming that you are at a funeral of an unknown person, then it suggests that something in your life needs to put to rest or put aside so that you can make room for something new. You need to investigate further what aspect or component of your life you need to let go.
To dream that you are crying, signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In your daily lives, you tend to ignore, deny, or repress your feelings. But in your dream state, your defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of those feelings that you have repressed during the day.
To dream that you are in tears, signify that you are undergoing a period of healing in your life. The tears symbolize compassion, emotional healing and spiritual cleansing. Alternatively, tears indicate pain
To see a body in a coffin in your dream, signifies that you are going through a period of depression. You may feel confined, restricted and that you are lacking personal freedom. There may be a dead or decaying situation or issue in your life that you need to address. It is time to end this situation or relationship.
To dream that you are inside a church, suggests that you are seeking for spiritual enlightenment and guidance. You are looking to be uplifted in some way. Perhaps you have made some past mistakes which have set you back on your path toward your goals. With proper support, you will get on the right track again. Alternatively, the dream may also mean that you are questioning and debating your life path and where it is leading. You are reevaluating what you want to do.
To see others fighting in your dream, suggests that you are unwilling to acknowledge your own problems and turmoil. You are not taking any responsibility or initiative in trying to resolve issues in your waking life.
To see a shattered and broken window in your dream, represents your distorted view and outlook on life. It is also indicates a state of vulnerability.
To see or sit on a pew in your dream, suggests that you need to stop and reflect on your past mistakes or issues before you can move forward. You need to question the decisions and choices that you are making. Perhaps it is time to acknowledge your former wrongdoings
To see friends in your dream, signify aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Alternatively, dreaming of a friend, indicates positive newsSo there it is. I just listed down some of the things I remembered from my dream and tried to interpret it. Basically, it's telling me that I'm ready to move on from my past, I'm ready to close that chapter behind me, that I shouldn't hold back my feelings or pretend it's not there. Pretty much.
Bad Dream.
It's 713am and I woke up with my heart still pounding. I just had a really bad dream, and I don't know how to make of it.
Basically in my dream, there's Dioni (my good friend from high school that I used to have a crush on) and in my dream we're really good friends (high school history and all) and he's dating this girl (it's actually She Who Must Not Be Named, aka the ex's current squeeze). The setting was all familiar: apartment, surroundings, etc., only back home in the Philippines and I'm surrounded by all my other high school friends.
Anyway, in my dream, I guess Dioni was on his way with another friend Roy and they were gonna go to the house of the girl Dioni was dating. They were inside his car, parked and about to drive away when two ladies came up to his side of the window and started pounding on his window. Dioni rolled the windows down an inch to yell at them to stop. One girl suddenly produced a baseball bat and started smashing all of the windows in Dioni's car. He got out of the car and he started fighting the girls, and blah blah blah, something bad happened.
I was in my apartment with a bunch of other girls hanging out when Roy, barged into the living room with the bad news. I was crying my heart out and was hysterical and all that. I was yelling at him why he didn't help, or why they were out so late and he was driving and they were parked in a shady part of town.
Cut to the next scene. I was in my bedroom which is actually the master's bedroom in the apartment, and I was crying and I was on the phone with my friend Iciang when She Who Must Not Be Named entered the room.
ME: What are you doing here?
HER:I just found out the news right now. (But she wasn't crying)
ME: Well, if it's any consolation, I know EXACTLY what you're feeling right now. (Sarcastic coz she didn't looked like she cried at all)
HER: How come everyone told you and not me?
Cut to the next scene, the funeral at a church. For some reason, She Who Must Not Be Named and I went to the funeral together and since we were late, everyone kind of turned around on their seats to look at us. Hello awkward turtle.
There was a musician playing some funeral-y music in the middle of the aisle and the casket was opened but it was facing the front of the church meaning you'd actually have to go around it if you wanted to look inside. I didn't want to walk up to the casket but everyone was not-so-subtly whispering that I should go look. Oh, and She Who Must Not Be Named just eventually took a seat somewhere seeing as nobody was paying attention to her (coz no one knew her and for whatever reason, the only people who attended that funeral were all my high school friends).
Eventually, I walked up to the casket and when I was halfway around it, Dioni was placed in a really weird and awkward position. Pretend you're arms and legs are wrapped around the trunk of a tree so you don't slide down.. yeah, that's what he looked like. As soon as I saw that, I turned and walked away (because I thought it was really weird) but not before I saw in the corner of my eye that he moved, sat up, and started wiggling his body parts.
Around maybe 90% of the people in that church got up and started walking towards the exit, like nothing happened. A handful started gasping, crying, screaming, whatever. SWMNBN started sobbing quietly at one end of the pews. I heard some of the people walking out say stuff like "Finally, we can leave" or "About time" or whatever. My friend Iciang came up to me and started talking to me. "Ja, why are you still crying? Didn't you get one of the cards he sent out? This is all a test. I thought you were just playing along." And at that point, I looked up and saw Dioni barraging towards me saying things like, "Ja! Why are you still crying? I'm back! I'm not really dead! It's a social experiment I had to do for school. Don't cry now, I'm still here. Don't be mad, diba nag-iisa lang ako sa buhay mo? Andito na 'ko, wag ka na umiyak o sige na..!" (aren't I the only one in your life? I'm here, please don't cry anymore..!"
At this point, I saw SWMNBN look up from what Dioni said and she turned around and ran away.
...and then I woke up. And my heart was pounding.
(For a detailed interpretation of my dream, check out my other blog here.)
Basically in my dream, there's Dioni (my good friend from high school that I used to have a crush on) and in my dream we're really good friends (high school history and all) and he's dating this girl (it's actually She Who Must Not Be Named, aka the ex's current squeeze). The setting was all familiar: apartment, surroundings, etc., only back home in the Philippines and I'm surrounded by all my other high school friends.
Anyway, in my dream, I guess Dioni was on his way with another friend Roy and they were gonna go to the house of the girl Dioni was dating. They were inside his car, parked and about to drive away when two ladies came up to his side of the window and started pounding on his window. Dioni rolled the windows down an inch to yell at them to stop. One girl suddenly produced a baseball bat and started smashing all of the windows in Dioni's car. He got out of the car and he started fighting the girls, and blah blah blah, something bad happened.
I was in my apartment with a bunch of other girls hanging out when Roy, barged into the living room with the bad news. I was crying my heart out and was hysterical and all that. I was yelling at him why he didn't help, or why they were out so late and he was driving and they were parked in a shady part of town.
Cut to the next scene. I was in my bedroom which is actually the master's bedroom in the apartment, and I was crying and I was on the phone with my friend Iciang when She Who Must Not Be Named entered the room.
ME: What are you doing here?
HER:I just found out the news right now. (But she wasn't crying)
ME: Well, if it's any consolation, I know EXACTLY what you're feeling right now. (Sarcastic coz she didn't looked like she cried at all)
HER: How come everyone told you and not me?
Cut to the next scene, the funeral at a church. For some reason, She Who Must Not Be Named and I went to the funeral together and since we were late, everyone kind of turned around on their seats to look at us. Hello awkward turtle.
There was a musician playing some funeral-y music in the middle of the aisle and the casket was opened but it was facing the front of the church meaning you'd actually have to go around it if you wanted to look inside. I didn't want to walk up to the casket but everyone was not-so-subtly whispering that I should go look. Oh, and She Who Must Not Be Named just eventually took a seat somewhere seeing as nobody was paying attention to her (coz no one knew her and for whatever reason, the only people who attended that funeral were all my high school friends).
Eventually, I walked up to the casket and when I was halfway around it, Dioni was placed in a really weird and awkward position. Pretend you're arms and legs are wrapped around the trunk of a tree so you don't slide down.. yeah, that's what he looked like. As soon as I saw that, I turned and walked away (because I thought it was really weird) but not before I saw in the corner of my eye that he moved, sat up, and started wiggling his body parts.
Around maybe 90% of the people in that church got up and started walking towards the exit, like nothing happened. A handful started gasping, crying, screaming, whatever. SWMNBN started sobbing quietly at one end of the pews. I heard some of the people walking out say stuff like "Finally, we can leave" or "About time" or whatever. My friend Iciang came up to me and started talking to me. "Ja, why are you still crying? Didn't you get one of the cards he sent out? This is all a test. I thought you were just playing along." And at that point, I looked up and saw Dioni barraging towards me saying things like, "Ja! Why are you still crying? I'm back! I'm not really dead! It's a social experiment I had to do for school. Don't cry now, I'm still here. Don't be mad, diba nag-iisa lang ako sa buhay mo? Andito na 'ko, wag ka na umiyak o sige na..!" (aren't I the only one in your life? I'm here, please don't cry anymore..!"
At this point, I saw SWMNBN look up from what Dioni said and she turned around and ran away.
...and then I woke up. And my heart was pounding.
(For a detailed interpretation of my dream, check out my other blog here.)
01 April 2011
Just Dance
So this is really frustrating. Lately, I've bombarded my life with
anything dance. I've been obsessing with choreography videos by Kyle Hanagami, my friend updating her Twitter with her dance adventures, and movies about dance.
When I was 7, my grandma insisted on signing me up for ballet classes but I wouldn't go for it because I wanted karate lessons. Ballet = Girls. Karate = Boys. So I ended up signed up for neither. Years later, here I am looking at dance classes at local dance academies or park districts around my area. I don't want competitive dancing. I just want to learn how to dance. I want to learn how tap, belly dancing (even though I'm sure I can't force my body to move like that), jazz, ballroom, and of course hiphop. Heck, I'll even give ballet a shot.. or Zumba. I just want to move my feet and dance.
I'm a clubhead and sometimes I get frustrated because I really wish I can get clubbing out of my system. But I really love going out and dancing the night away. Granted, I would never bootydance with someone that's not my boyfriend, but still. I can't sing to save my soul, I can't model (which I really wanted to back in highschool), I can't act, I can't even play an instrument. But I know that I can follow rhythm. I'm not flexible, I can't do the splits or cartwheels but I swear with every dance bone in my body, I can dance.
This obsession with wanting to learn how to dance increased after I had a Step Up movie marathon with my roommates a few weeks ago. So much so that "Good Dancer" has now been added to my ever-growing list of Guy Standards.
Is that bad?
When I was 7, my grandma insisted on signing me up for ballet classes but I wouldn't go for it because I wanted karate lessons. Ballet = Girls. Karate = Boys. So I ended up signed up for neither. Years later, here I am looking at dance classes at local dance academies or park districts around my area. I don't want competitive dancing. I just want to learn how to dance. I want to learn how tap, belly dancing (even though I'm sure I can't force my body to move like that), jazz, ballroom, and of course hiphop. Heck, I'll even give ballet a shot.. or Zumba. I just want to move my feet and dance.
I'm a clubhead and sometimes I get frustrated because I really wish I can get clubbing out of my system. But I really love going out and dancing the night away. Granted, I would never bootydance with someone that's not my boyfriend, but still. I can't sing to save my soul, I can't model (which I really wanted to back in highschool), I can't act, I can't even play an instrument. But I know that I can follow rhythm. I'm not flexible, I can't do the splits or cartwheels but I swear with every dance bone in my body, I can dance.
This obsession with wanting to learn how to dance increased after I had a Step Up movie marathon with my roommates a few weeks ago. So much so that "Good Dancer" has now been added to my ever-growing list of Guy Standards.
Is that bad?
The truest expression of a people is in its dance and in its music. Bodies never lie. ~Agnes de MilleI need to do something significant. I'm going to dance. Hmmmm, where should I go?
April Fools Indeed
Ok, so I totally get it. Today is the day when you don't believe what
ANYONE has to say. Today, everyone's either going to be a parent,
getting married, getting engaged, quitting their jobs, moving somewhere
far, got injured, died, got sick.. whatever, anything.
With that point in mind, what did I see when I opened my inbox today? An OKCupid suggestion. Wait, let me backtrack..
A few months back, I had this blog about online dating and how it's a more acceptable form of meeting people the older you get. I know of a handful of people who are with their significant others they've met through online dating websites. So, to experiment on that and see what results it gives me, I signed up for a free account at OKCupid.com.
Here and there, they would email me notifications telling me they found new matches for me. Today, when I opened my account this is what I found:
Not only do I KNOW this person PERSONALLY, I hate his guts too!! I mean
granted, we're civil around each other, but I really dislike this
person. He did something a while back that got some of my friends in
trouble and he got away unscathed. After that, I just stopped being his
friend.
I laughed when I saw this because it's hilarious and NOT hilarious at the same time. I checked his profile and it said that we are 88% compatible. Yeah, okay. I immediately deleted my account before HE receives a notification saying I'M compatible for him.
Which brings me to this mindset: Are my options really running low? I've tried online dating so that I can meet someone outside of my comfort zone and I was RECOMMENDED the one person whose guts I hate? I'm 26 years old and I've only had one boyfriend. Am I really gonna end up single? To tell the truth, marriage is in my life plan okay? But I've been single for a year and a half now. And in that span of time, I've never dated, hooked up, or even MET someone.
I guess what this life is telling me is that.. The Joke Is On Me.
With that point in mind, what did I see when I opened my inbox today? An OKCupid suggestion. Wait, let me backtrack..
A few months back, I had this blog about online dating and how it's a more acceptable form of meeting people the older you get. I know of a handful of people who are with their significant others they've met through online dating websites. So, to experiment on that and see what results it gives me, I signed up for a free account at OKCupid.com.
Here and there, they would email me notifications telling me they found new matches for me. Today, when I opened my account this is what I found:
I laughed when I saw this because it's hilarious and NOT hilarious at the same time. I checked his profile and it said that we are 88% compatible. Yeah, okay. I immediately deleted my account before HE receives a notification saying I'M compatible for him.
Which brings me to this mindset: Are my options really running low? I've tried online dating so that I can meet someone outside of my comfort zone and I was RECOMMENDED the one person whose guts I hate? I'm 26 years old and I've only had one boyfriend. Am I really gonna end up single? To tell the truth, marriage is in my life plan okay? But I've been single for a year and a half now. And in that span of time, I've never dated, hooked up, or even MET someone.
I guess what this life is telling me is that.. The Joke Is On Me.
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